AN; I understand if this doesn't make sense lol. I just have way too many feels right now that I had to write it out.

"You can't be serious."

Strangely enough, I expected this reaction. But then I didn't. How else do you go about asking someone to help you take your daughter away from her other mother? There's no good way to ask, no good way to go about it. But this was all I had.

Meredith's statement had a mix of disbelief, but sever bluntness attached. It was like she knew the words that were coming out of my mouth, but couldn't truly believe it.

"I wish I wasn't." But I was.

Meredith sighed, removing her ferry boat scrub cap.

"Callie, you can't ask me to do that."

I scoffed, "Mer, I need you to do this for me. Richard and Alex already agreed to help Arizona, I need somebody to be there for me. You know I would never ask that of you, but…I can't lose. Not again."

"You never lost anything. God, don't you understand that by now? You gave it all up!"

I closed my eyes. I was sinking. Like seriously. Fucking sinking.

Ever since Penny won the grant, I've been bending over backwards to be happy with my life. To be…more than what I have going for me now. And I have a lot going for me. A hospital, a daughter, a career, friends, a life. But…Penny was leaving. She was going to leave me, regardless if I stayed here or not. She was going to leave, for a great opportunity, to be great. I couldn't go through that again.

"I'm not giving up Sofia."

You started this.

Maybe I did. Maybe I did it first, maybe I wanted to make a step. Maybe I wanted to be anywhere but the place where my marriage died. Where my best friend died. There was too much death, and anger. That's one thing that I've realized. I stayed here, instead of going to Africa, because I had my job and my friends. And now, I still have that, and I still don't have Arizona.

Some things didn't change. But yet everything did.

Which is why…maybe…I need to go now. But not without my daughter. I can't be that woman who runs across the country, without any consideration for the little life that I carried inside me. That has never been me. What exactly am I now? I'm not too sure. But it's like no one understands where I'm coming from. They only see the fact that I'm leaving, that I'm their friend, family actually, and a part of this hospital.

They don't see the fact that all I want is for someone to love me without hurting me at the same time. They don't see how lonely I was, or how I feel like only have of myself exists. The other half somewhere else. Or with someone else.

"And you expect Arizona to just give her up?"

"No," I stressed. "I don't expect that at all! I told her that we would figure out visits and have everything scheduled. It's just a 6 hour flight!"

Meredith Grey was a lot of things. I'm determined that she'll outlive all of us. Seriously, the girl's got cats beat in the whole 'nine lives' department. Her face can stay completely slack, but her eyes will tell you a different story. She's also my friend. Which is funny, because I never thought I would feel a kinship with the general surgeon. Her opinion matters. But I'm not sure I wanna hear it this time.

"A six hour flight. Once again, you can't be serious. We were in a plane crash, Callie. What the hell is wrong with you?"

…

Oh…right. I wouldn't blame her for smacking me upside the head. A plane crash. I spent a lot of time thinking about that plane crash. That plane crash almost ruined my life, and a part of me thinks it did. The plane crash doesn't invade my thoughts like it used to. Maybe that's the problem.

"I – I could fly then, instead. I mean, I have a few positions lined up and its fewer hours and Penny will be busy so I'll have plenty of time…"

"Callie, you seriously can't be this dumb," the blonde says softly. Now she's looking at me in pity. Like I don't understand.

There's a tingling on the back of my neck, and my hands feel cold and numb. I shouldn't have sought her out right after surgery. Like I was in a race to get to her first. Staking my claim to my friend before the other side did. I've been given disapproving looks and judgmental eye raises all day. You would think I'd be used to it by now, but it still sucks. I'm still the bad person.

"She got a lawyer. She got a lawyer, and she's taking me to court. I'm all out of bright ideas, Mer. I - " I shake my head, "I don't know what to do but this."

I thought that if I had everything planned, that maybe it would be easier. That Arizona would shine her dimples at me and be excited for the next step in my life. Arizona's a lot of things, but she's not malicious. I left her, ended our marriage for the last time, but I still didn't think she would do this for some reason.

But maybe I don't know her anymore. Maybe the Arizona now is different. Maybe I made her different. Cold, defensive, but poised.

"I lost Zola. Of course, she came back, but I lost her. And there was that period of time where I didn't think I'd ever see her again. I didn't give birth to her, but she is my daughter. I held her and she looked at me and she was mine. Arizona heard Sofia's heartbeat for the first time and Sofia was hers," she shrugged. "I get why she's doing this. She's scared. She lost you already, she doesn't want to lose Sofia."

Zola coming into our lives seemed like another…lifetime ago. I feel like she's always been Meredith and Derek's daughter. But I remember when she was taken from them and into Janet's arms. Mark and Arizona had practically sprinted to day care, the situation making them want their own child. At the time I couldn't imagine what they were feeling, wondering if that was the last time they would hold their child. A child that wasn't theirs biologically, but still theirs.

"She's not going to lose Sofia. I would never do that."

"You're doing it right now. Arizona's probably going crazy because she knows she's not the biological mother, and you're taking her away to New York. The grant is for a year, but who says Penny will end up back in Seattle? What if she decided to stay in New York, or – or go somewhere else? Have you even thought about that?"

"I love her."

It's a muted love. I'm not sure if it's supposed to feel like this. But in a way, it kind of feels right. I always thought love was supposed to tackle you into oblivion. That I would feel something so strong and so raw that it's almost paralyzing. That was the kind of love I had with Arizona. It was all-consuming, the end all of my be all.

It made me not feel like that was how it was supposed to be. Because it crushed me, it made me…scared.

"I know. And I get it, it sucks. But this is your daughter." Meredith's not sure she believes her. There's still a lot about life that she has yet to find out, but one thing she is sure of is love. She had love, she's loved, and continues to do so. It's hard, loving people. But when she does, she dives head first, without a single thought.

Callie's kind of like that too. Only the Callie she is looking at now is scared. Vulnerable. Defensive. Desperate. Meredith knows Penny is nothing but a crutch. Callie doesn't know, and she'd hate for her friend to find out. In New York.

"If I stay, and Penny goes. I will lose her. Maybe not right away, but eventually it won't last. And I – I can't go through that again."

Meredith inhaled knowingly. So this was what it was about. She was a little bit out of touch lately, what with her own widow problems, but it didn't take a genius to figure it out.

"I can't help, Callie. I'm sorry. And I can't support what you're doing. If I believed that Penny was the one, that you really loved her, I still wouldn't do it. Because this isn't about you, or your insecurities. This is about Sofia's life. You are actively trying to take her away from her mother. Arizona is just trying to protect herself, and Sofia."

"Don't you think I want to do the same thing? Protect myself and Sofia?"

"No," Meredith said simply.

I narrow my eyes, "So you think I'm being selfish?"

"Kind of yeah. You're being selfish because you've been beat down and hurt many times. I don't blame you, but is it really that serious though? Don't get me wrong, Blake's not a bad person. I know that now. But is it really worth, all this? Because no matter what happens, you can't take this back. This will ruin you two. And once you walk into that court room, it'll never be the same."

"I don't want to do this! I don't want to let another person out of my life again. Me and Arizona didn't work. We will never work. Me and Penny work, and I owe it to myself after all the shit that I've been through to find out."

Meredith sighed, fiddling with her scrub cap in her skinny hands.

"You do owe it to yourself. It's been horrible for you, I know. Some things just…die. And that's life. You're grasping at straws now, because of now." She looked desperately into her friend's eyes, "But Penny's not the one, Cal."

I shake my head, "You don't know that." Penny could be the one. She's the one, right now. She could be the one, if I go.

Meredith smiled sadly, "She's not."

"I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. That I'd find someone again, and I don't want to stay here while Penny goes. I can't lose anyone else."

Meredith patted me on the shoulder.

"She's not the one."

"I need her…to be the one." I feel a single tear fall down my cheek. I wipe it away with my palm. I needed this. More than what Meredith or anyone else could understand. More than what Arizona could understand. But I needed my daughter too.

Meredith squatted down, her cap still clutched firmly in one hand. She met my eyes. Sometimes Meredith lets herself look vulnerable. Like now. And I see the pain that she still carries with her, and probably always will. It's a different kind of pain, but she gets it in a way.

"You're better than this, Callie. You're stronger than this. You're not delusional. You don't need Penny to be the one. Because you already have the one. What are you so scared of?"

"Everything."

I know Meredith can understand that at least.

"You'd be less scared if you were more honest."

##

Stress affects me in weird ways. Which is why I'm scrubbing cabinets. Why? Because I'm stressed, and cleaning is better than crying. Which is what I've been doing all day. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be sitting in my car while Richard tells me that I have to fight.

I didn't want to program my lawyer into my contacts list because I would in fact be talking to her quite frequently.

And I didn't want to hand that lawyers card over to my ex-wife, because she wants to take my daughter across the country.

I didn't want any of this. But I just…I can't just let Callie take Sofia away from me. I'm not losing her.

Sofia was the one thing that kept me going. That kept me in Seattle.

Losing Callie was something that I never thought I could overcome. And most days I do feel like I did get past that. I loved Callie enough to get past it and let her be free. I shook my head ruefully. I honestly still don't know what that means.

Being free and shacking up with a resident are not the same thing. But I try not to think too much about that. Penny's not bad. I actually like her. I'd like her a lot more if she didn't win that grant. A very tiny part inside my brain wishes she'd stay, so I could just call this whole thing off. I'd rather deal with a lifetime of Blake than just summers and holidays with Sofia. With plane rides that will haunt me weeks after. With a separate life that I'm not a part of.

I'm trying to be more, fulfilled. I was trying and things were better. The mere sight of my ex-wife didn't cause me to avoid eye contact and find an on call room to burst into tears. I know that Callie is a never ending presence in my heart. I wish she wasn't, but it's what I got. We took something from each other. It's just a matter of living with it. I know that now.

The sound of bristles scouring the cabinet calms me in a way.

I try to look on the bright side. The sentimental part of me is happy at the fact that Richard and Alex want to go to bat for me. Richard's been a great friend lately. Although our comradery is new, I feel closer to him than anybody else in my life. And Alex can grumble and say what he wants, but I know he loves me. I know he's protective and looks to me like a big sister. The kind of sister that kicked him around until he was exactly who he was supposed to be.

Even Bailey squeezed my hand protectively at the nurses station. She didn't say anything, because she 'doesn't do personal,' but I knew what she would have said.

I used to think I didn't have anybody. That everyone was Callie's friends. And they still are, or I hope they will still be, but it pulled at my heart strings to know that for the first time in forever, I didn't feel so alone.

Currently, I was alone though. Deluca was at the hospital and Sofia was with Callie. I don't know if she's told Sofia the news yet. My hand puts a little more force into the scrub brush. She's innocent in the matter. She's happy, and kind, and funny too. I don't want to put her through this. To think that her moms don't care about what she wants, what's best for her. Either way, she's losing something.

I decided to put a halt to the dating scene and trivia night. I didn't need distractions. At least, not from random women. I needed to focus on the custody case. On keeping myself together but knowing that I might lose everything.

The fact that it's for a year never fazed me. I'm not stupid, I know there's a strong possibility that it could be longer, that Sofia traveling between the two of us til she's 18 just might happen. The one year story that Callie tried to feed me wasn't the point. The fact that I moved myself frequently as a child wasn't the point either. I moved with my parents, together. No matter where we were, we were together.

The brush slips from my grip at the sound of the pounding on my door. I stand up carefully while holding onto the counter. The time on the stove makes me pause. It's kind of late for anybody to be showing up.

I walk to the front door quietly and look into the peephole. Sighing, I rested my head against the wood. I square my shoulders and open the door.

"Callie I told you not to –"

"Do you love me?"

I can't lie. I really can't. I can pretend, sure. I'm a good pretender, which was a rule that I made for myself a long time ago not to do. But I am. Callie makes me a lot of things. But I can't even lie about this. I'm not a liar.

"Yes."

"And if I go…will you still love me?"

"If you took Sofia away from me, there's no way I could love you."

Callie gasped out a sob then, with one hand clinging to the threshold. I looked behind her. I didn't even notice it was raining.

"Arizona. I need her to be the one." Her voice, especially in anguish, pains me still. She's unraveled, and drenched in the Seattle rain. But she's still beautiful, and not herself. But maybe this is her now. The woman who uproots her life. Maybe Callie will actually go this time. I know this. It's not even about Africa, I'm actually glad I didn't go, because I'd be missing out on Sofia's life.

And me and Callie have hurt each other a lot. But I wouldn't take it back for anything.

"Is she?"

"No she's not, because you are!" Callie shouted, the rain serving as the dramatic background noise that was our love affair. "And I need you not to be, because we're over."

I couldn't help but chuckle. It was bitter, and toneless. She said I'm the one, and it didn't feel an inkling as good as it did in my dreams.

"So you come to my home, in the middle of the night, to tell me that I'm the one? I thought I made it clear your manipulations aren't going to fix this."

She looks at me, shocked. Confused. "Arizona – I wasn't trying to manipulate you."

I lean against the door, crossing my arms. Now I'm just mad. "You're not going to get away with this. I lost you already. I get that. I've accepted it. You're not taking my daughter."

"She's our daughter!"

"Fine, our daughter! You're not taking her away from me so that you can go be happy with Perfect Penny. I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. Sure, it sucked that I couldn't give you that, but Sofia is not coming with you. Not if I have anything to say about it. And standing here, in the fucking rain, saying that I'm the one is not going to work! You – you practically ignore me for years and now you want to come to my house and say this? Fuck you!"

I'm harsh and a bit rude. Which is why I wish she'd never come over. It's typical of Callie to not respect my wishes. To take matters into her own hands. It used to be endearing and sometimes it still is, but not now. I tried to be the rational, calm one. The person that I've grown to be. But Callie is in my space, at my house, and saying things that are just too late to hear.

"You – you were better. You moved out and you went along with everything…" Callie trails dumbly.

I shake my head, "Because you wanted this! You walked out of that room and I lost you, and –" I pause, trying not to cry, "you left me."

"I can't let Penny leave me like you left me."

"Callie," I trail, knowing in my heart that it's different, "you and me and you and Penny are not the same thing."

"Penny's…an easy version of you and me. And she's a good person. And she loves me. And I – love her. To an extent. Not like I love you. I could," she sighs, "never love her like I love you."

"This isn't about us."

"Isn't it though?" she asks timidly. "You said after the baby, you couldn't take another loss. I can't either."

I feel like the roles have reversed. Like I'm the only who suddenly has my shit together. Which is laughable, really. Because if I'm honest, which I like to be, my life isn't passionate or interesting, or even fun. Sometimes it's fun, like when I'm out with Richard or playing with Sofia, it's a blast. But it's starting to become obvious to me that me and Callie… we're both a mess.

"That's a really selfish way of looking at it," I say pointedly.

"I know. I'd give anything to not be fighting with you. I don't want to fight with you."

"I never wanted this either. But this is where we are. What we have now. I have to do what's best for Sofia. And New York is not what's best for her. Her family is here."

It's as simple as that.

"If I go, will you still love me?"

"Callie I al –"

"No. If I go, will you still love me?" She's stepping closer, and that feeling in my gut that I haven't felt in years is coming back. Her perfume fills my nostrils, the same one that she's used for years. She's different. We both are in varying ways, but we're still those same people somewhere.

"Callie," I warn her. I can't do this. I can't go back to that person before.

"What?"

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"I told you not to talk to me about this anymore."

"We're not talking about Sofia. We're talking about you."

"It doesn't matter."

"Just answer me."

The threshold serves as my life line. Because if I let go, I'll fall into her. Again. And I won't feel the least bit bad about it.

"I'd still love you. But you're going to New York. You made that very clear."

She's almost that woman who threw me a party, even though I hate surprises. Or that woman who threw me into the shower because I couldn't do it myself. Or the one who stuck by me through the worst of the worst. She's maybe still that woman. And I love her. She's the one for me. Maybe for always.

"Will you love me when I come back?" it rolls off her tongue almost in a joking manner. It's not funny. Nothing about this is funny. But it makes me smile a little. Because we both know the answer now.

"Probably," I admit. I'm not a liar.

She nods, understanding what I already knew. I already knew, because it made me angry, and sad. Maybe we're inevitable. Maybe not now, or next year, or the year after that. But we're tethered to each other. Not because of Sofia, although she's a big part, but not the only thing. There's some things you can't erase.

I can see the faint trails of mascara trickling down her cheeks. She's too close now. Sometimes I can't help myself. I lean forward a little closer. My nose brushes hers. She's still, probably not believing that I'm actually letting up. Callie makes me this way.

"Calliope."

"What?" she breathes across my lips. I can feel her. I can still feel her, because she's everything. We're everything. Maybe just…not right now.

I close the distance, pressing my mouth across hers. It's quick, and her eyes are closed, waiting for more. I wait until I see her open them again. I still feel her lips on mine. I take a deep breath.

"Go."