Summary: Why doesn't Gil have any "personal stuff?"

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own anything to do with CSI, not even the DVDs.

Spoilers: slight refrences to dialogue from Pledging Mr. Johnson

Rating: T, just to be safe

Feedback: Makes my day! Seriously!

Notes: This fic was inspired by the song "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson, which, in my opinion, is the best song she has ever done.

Flashbacks in italics.

.:Personal Stuff:.

Catherine sat curled up on her couch, staring into space. Her hands were wrapped around a cup of hot chocolate that had long ago cooled. Her thought were far from the cheesy movie she had flipped on in a failed attempt to drown out her feelings. She loved him so much. God, what she wouldn't give to show it...to have him return her feelings. But she couldn't. Because he couldn't. He could never return them. So she would never let him know. Never make the same mistake he had.

He had been hurt all those years ago, and he still hadn't gotten over it. He denied it, of course, but she knew. She always knew.

It was eighteen years ago. She and Grissom had met a few months before, and had become best friends. The shy scientist and the former exotic dancer-not stripper, mind you. Her opinions actually mattered to him, and they talked about anything and everything. Then one day, they met her. Her name was Heather. Catherine had never liked her. Had seen right through her from the start. But Grissom hadn't. A few weeks and dates later, Grissom had been in love. Deeply, irrivokingly in love, he confided to Catherine. But as soon as he showed that he was even in the least emotionally involved, Heather had started slowly backing off. It was obvious to she hadn't wanted a serious relationship. But Grissom had been oblivious, until the night she told him she didn't want any emotional entanglements, and proceeded to walk off to find a different man who she left with less than five minutes later. The love of his life had tossed his love back in his face. And he had been hurt, shattered, torn into a million pieces, leaning on Catherine for support.

So Catherine kept it up, never once admitting what she felt for him. Instead, going for the men that meant nothing but sex. Damn good sex -after all, a woman had her needs-, but nothing more. Never any emotional entanglements, because those could hurt you. Hurt you deeply, leaving you scarred for life. Grissom had taught her that the hard way...through experience. Because of him, she played it safe, terrified to go through what he had. Oh, she knew he was nothing like Heather. He would never be so cruel as to throw her love back at her so harshly. But he would reject her all the same, or might even pretend to love her out of guilt. And that would be even worse. But what he would probably do would be pull away. Retreat back into that shell, letting all their years of friendship fall away. Catherine could not let that happen to herself. If she didn't tell him, he would never know. He couldn't reject, and therefore hurt her if he didn't know. Or so she told herself.

And he asked her why she went for the men that did not treat her right. Why should he care? It was his fault, anyway! If he would just love her...but she knew that wasn't fair. It wasn't his fault. But it helped to blame it on someone else. On him for not loving her.

Not on her, for loving the forbidden.

She remembered the day she had almost broken down in front of him because of it.

It was two years ago, and Catherine had finally admitted to herself that she loved him...and had for a long time. That night, Catherine had been almost cautious around Gil, measuring her every comment and movement, so as not to give herself away.

Somehow, they got into a discussion reguarding a conversation they had had a couple of years before that about Grissom not having any "personal stuff." She had asked him why he still didn't, and the hurt that registered in his eyes had almost been more than she could bear. She had apologized, and rushed out, not wanting to cry in front of him. Because if she stayed, he would ask what was wrong. And she couldn't tell him.

Couldn't tell him that she was crying for him because he still hurt, for her because the pain he caused her by still hurting was almost more than she could bear, and for them because the fact that he was still in love with Heather just made it even more concrete that she would never have the slightest chance of him loving her. Gil Grissom, she knew, was the kind of man who loved one woman, and one woman only. That was just who he was. And that woman was Heather. She just had to come to terms with that.

The motions she went through every day had become a second nature to her now. When he caught her staring at him, she would fake a laugh, saying that she was just deep in thought.

She faked a smile every day when she saw him, pretending to be happy when she was aching inside from the reality that they would never be together in the sense that she wanted them to be.

She would say that her heart broke a little more each day, but it wasn't possible. Her heart wasn't even whole to start with. It had been broken years earlier, the shattered fragments belonging to Gil Grissom, never to be in her possession again.

She was afraid. Catherine knew it; she could admit it. She was deathly afraid of being rejected as he had been. Afraid of the pain that would follow, although she couldn't imagine hurt any deeper than that she already felt.

She had watched him, held him as he broke down from the pain. She had stayed with him in his apartment, hearing him sob into the night. She had been so young, it had almost frightened her that people could really feel that much pain, and she had vowed never to put herself through that.

But she had failed. With Eddie, and now with Gil himself. And she cried every single night because of it.

And so it continued. A boyfriend here, a boyfriend there, no commitments. Because her heart belonged to one Gil Grissom...it always would. Even if she had a heart to give away, she wouldn't. Because of him.

She had gone to Chris last night, in attempt to forget. It had not worked. Lately, she couldn't even forget him when she was with her boyfriend, whose sole purpose was to help her find a momentary release from everything. It was useless now, she couldn't escape him even for a moment.

And her life was a living hell each and every day.

Because of him.

The End

...of this chapter. I could never leave off there!