a/n, 1/3/08: Three years later, Sweet Daddy D and I have actually decided to finish this, man.
Chapter two was already up, but we fixx0r'd the formatting and made it longer and we're going to post chapter four soon. But probably chapter three will be up before then. Because chronological order is valued by some people, yes?
Anyway, this prologue and the first two chapters were written when I was 13, at which point we abandoned it (le gasp), and the chapters after that are more recent. Not any less stupid, but maybe a little betterly-written. No promises, though.
...
One, a long time ago, there were many, MANY power sick freaks. It was based on the "what do all men want? more power!" theory, and it was running wild.
See, there was this guy, named Sauron. A big fan of Lizzie McGuire, Sauron loved to watch it and eat his fluffy pink marshmallow peeps. One day, after Sauron had finished his homework, he decided to make an Evil candy factory. He decided to make lots and lots of all-ruling gumballs.
He gave three to the Elves, in hopes that the gumballs would ruin their perfect sparkly white teeth.
Seven were given to the Dwarf lords, who were great minors, but were suckers for a nice, chewy gumball. The bastards couldn't have much more tooth decay as it was -- they weren't smart enough to use tooth brushes -- so Sauron figured those evil gumballs could turn them into toothless old pricks.
And finally, nine gumballs were given to the race of men who, as I said, desire power above all else.
But all of them had no idea what the fuck was going on, for another Gumball was made.
This powerful, sugar-filled piece of candy, the One Gumball, was the most powerful and tooth-decay-causing gumball of all, and Sauron kept it and drooled over it like a hungry mental patient, clutching it in his sweaty, dirty hand while watching reruns of Lizzie McGuire over and over and over again.
The races formed an alliance of protesting warriors, united in a desperate attempt to kick his sorry Gordo-obsessed ass. He sent out his army of marshmallow Peeps and malevolent sentient Sour Patch Kids, and numerous evil sugar-warriors got their asses kicked as they cowered and attempted to look seductively delicious.
As King Happy-Thought-Pansy took up his giant blow-torch and advanced on Sauron with it, yelling, "Suck my big fat one you cheap dime store hood!" Sauron threw a Converse shoe at the King, hitting him right in the eye, knocking him up against the wall of rock.
Isildor was the king's son, and he was pissed.
He took up his father's blow-torch, but Sauron stepped on it, crushing it flat, and making quite a sharp edge on one side.
Isildor seized the blow-torch and chucked it at Sauron.
The sharp edge sliced Sauron's arm off, and he screamed like a girl in a high pitched voice, hopping around and going "Like, oh my god! You like, totally cut my arm off!"
The arm fell to the ground, along with the evil cherry-flavored One Gumball. As Sauron hopped off, still shrieking, Isildor wiped his brow and muttered "God, what a pansy."
Then he spied the One Gumball laying upon the groud, and he reached for it.
Isildur reached for the Gumball, and he stared at with love and sugar withdrawal in his eyes, and he gave it a single lick. "CHERRY!" he squealed happily, bouncing off the walls in a super sugar-rush.
"D'oh! You're turning purple, like in Willy Wonka!" Elrond said, slapping his head in frustation. He grabbed the Gumball away and tried to set it on fire.
"Eeee!" Isildur squeaked.
"Oh shut up, it's not working anyway," Elrond frowed.
"We can't destroy it, so LET ME EAT IT!" Isildur yelled, tackling it.
Too late. Elrond already had it.
"There's only one way we can destroy this thing. It must be taken back to Sauron's house, sneaked in past his five hundred pound mother, and cast back into the candy-melter from where it came!" Elrond said, trying to look important. Ha, NOT.
Isildur snatched it back. "Precioussss.." he hissed. "Ooh! a birdy!"
And Isildur dropped the gumball, skipping off towards the bird, which pecked his eyes out.
The Gumball was found by Gollum, who carried it with him to his secret lair, named it Bon Bon, and befriended the evil sugary goodness. He conversed with the Gumball, never realizing that it never spoke back, and dressed it in minuscule dresses made from fish skin.
But after about five hundred years or so, the gumball rolled away from Gollum, and was found by an ugly-ass hobbit, Bilbo Baggins who had been walking around in that dark, evil cave of Gollum's, which smelled horribly like rotten fish.
"Damn dwarves, leave me behind, those bastards.. how the frick am I supposed to get out of here.." Bilbo was muttering.
He tripped over a particularly big rock.
"OWW! GOD DAMN SHIT SUCKING ROCK!" he howled, rolling around and holding his big, hairy toe.
When he stopped moaning and cussing, he looked around on the ground.
"What the hell is this.. ooh! a Gumball! I shall it Gummy, Gummy it shall be, and it shall be Gummy!" Bilbo said, pocketing the thing.
He then went skipping down the tunnel whistling I Feel Pretty.
That is how the gumball came into possession of Bilbo Baggins, in the Shire. Now our story begins, a shitload of years later...