So this is a collaboration fic between myself and siamesercute which stemmed from us talking about Peri and the Master shouting at each other- the beginning of this fic actually.
This is very much crack fic.
.s.s.s.s.
"I am the Master!" The velvet clad man yells at the girl. He was rather pissed off with all the sand in his shoes.
Said girl is not impressed by this and balls her fists up angrily, only just avoiding crushing the device in her hands, leaning forwards to sneer at the Master.
"So what I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" A strange man swings an arm over the cliff top and pulls himself over the ledge, technicolour coat looking only slightly less worse for wear. He looks up and sighs.
"Oh no- it's you two!" His face crumples into disgust and the girl almost drops the component in shock. In contrast the other man smirks, looking decidedly pleased.
"What the hell is your problem!" Shrieks the scantily clad woman. Both men- well, Time Lords- go to answer then another man with a rather magnificent beard appears with a crack, eyes almost murderous over his half-moon glasses.
"HARRY! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH!1!" Seeing her yelling skills as being challenged the girl instantly responds;
"I'm not Harry! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
"HARRY! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH!1!" The man places a hand to his temples and breathes out a little, clearly calming himself while the woman screams back at him.
"I'm so sorry my girl- I seem to have a bit of a headache. Nothing that a few lemon drops can't cure." He thinks for a second, "Would you like one?" The man extends the packet towards them only for it to be slapped out of his hand and off the cliff scattering the yellow pearls to the wind. A short ceremony is held while he mourns the loss.
"Wouldn't you prefer a jellybaby?!" The new man's scarf trails far off into the distance as he invades the clifftop. The magnificently bearded man disappears with a crack. The girl screeches again.
"No! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" She grabs the jelly babies and calmly upends the package over the side of the cliff. For hours there is a veritable flood of jelly babies before, finally, the supply runs dry. With a cry of horror the man jumps, scarf trailing behind him like a majestic cape which never ends.
A dark haired woman walks up to the collection and the velvet clad man points down. With a long-suffering sigh she yanks at the scarf, pulling the man up again.
"That idiot." She walks off with her haul still lamenting the loss of the luscious lifegivers. Loudly.
"Prepare to die Harry-wait you're not-"
"I'm not Harry! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" The snake faced man is thrown bodily off the cliff just as the beam hits him. Peri dusts her hands off menacingly.
The Dalek screams in fright and trundles off the cliff too followed by a huge furry thing carrying what looks like a cross between a prune, a man and a pepperpot.
"We shall become all p-"
"Oh my word!" A hobo, who may or may not be from space, comes to a halt with his hairy-legged highlander.
There is an explosion as the king of pepper pots hits the ground, sending molten jelly babies into the air and prompting a shrill scream from off-screen. The Scot points at the ball of flames.
"Look at the size of that thing Doctor!" He casually gropes for the other man's arm who stares on obliviously.
"Oh, yes Jamie- that is a big one isn't it!" The two wonder off aimlessly and the dark haired, almost naked woman points at them warningly, a hand on her hip.
How dare people forget she is here!
"I'm not Jamie! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" Belatedly the man dressed entirely in question marks begins his speech;
'Powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! Unimaginable power! Unlimited rice pudding! Etcetera! Etcetera!" Once again Peri decides to make the crowd aware of her assets- her shouting skills of course! What did you think I meant?
"I'm not rice pudding! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" From behind a boulder a girl in a leather jacket appears, throwing something over the edge of the cliff and diving back behind the stone.
Nothing happens.
Perpugilliam gets the urge to shout.
The questioned marked man facepalms.
"Ace, it didn't diffuse. We must go and rrrrretrieve it." Saying that the short man drags her off the cliff and they begin climbing down it.
"Ace!" She fistpumps, somehow not losing her grip and falling to the puddle of molten plot devices.
"Nitro-9! Nitro-9! Of all the preposterous things!" The technicolour coated man harrumphs, crossing his arms and pouting like a small child.
In the midst of the turmoil an man in an RAF coat appears. He arches an eyebrow, simultaneously eyeing up everyone.
"Well hello there. Captain Jack Harkness. And you are?" He directs to the humanoid with the least clothing with a wink and a 1000-watt smile.
"So what I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" His grin only spreads.
"Ohh, feisty."
"Stop it." The rather attractive man turns to face the guy with big ears. With an unamused frown the man he folds his arms.
"I was only saying hello." The American responds. A ginger emerges from behind a conveniently placed rock.
"Oh, I've heard enough about you 'saying hello', Martian boy told me all about you!" She points to a man in a pinstriped suit and a coat entirely unsuited to the weather. The Scot and his hobo appear again.
"I heard there was an Ice Warrior around. I don't like it!" The Scot clings to the other man's arm, slowly pulling a knife from his boot. The guy in the trench coat looks quite alarmed,
"You know I'm not actually a Martian…"
"Not a Martian! Not a Martian! That's utter poppycock!" At the same time Peri starts up again.
"I'm not a Martian! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" The 'Martian' sighs.
"I think you would know I'm not a Martian seeing as, well," He scratches his head awkwardly, "I used to be you." A man in a blanket runs on screaming.
"WHO AM I!" He tackles the man in the trenchcoat in his panic and the two go tumbling off the cliff, the blanket clad man gripping the other tightly as he, in turn, extends his hands to the skies.
"I don't want to go!"
"So what I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" Two men, one solemn looking, the other looking somewhat like a magician, drive up in a yellow car. They both sniff disapprovingly before driving off the cliff, forcing Technicolour Dreamcoat, the American Dream, the best temp in Chiswick and Big Ears off the cliff with them.
The Scottish highlander and his hobo jump into the back of the car, clinging tightly to each other as the car dives over the edge.
A man with a fez runs, looking frantically behind him in terror from beloved wife.
"Riiveerrr! What have I told you about being nice to Mr. Fez!" Sure enough there is a smoking hole in it. He trips off the edge and into a cartwheel. His curly haired wife sighs in irritation, diving off after him.
"Sometimes I really would like to shoot some sense into him." There is a moment of silence.
"I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
No one responds.
"Well that escalated quickly." Sighs a woman clad all in purple as she gently floats down from the sky. A grey haired man cautiously creeps out from behind yet anther conveniently placed boulder.
"Doccttaaahhhh!" The woman crushes her grey haired fox against the rock, grabbing at the back of his head. She pulls away with a cruel smile and the old man breathes out, clutching at the rock for his life.
"Well that escalated quickly…" The woman cackles, hoisting the man onto her shoulder. With a shriek of joy she leaps off the cliff, clicking upon her parasol and reattaching her lips to his.
"I'm too old for this." He flails futilely as they gently float down.
A man with striped trousers and a man with short shorts join them.
"Oh, there you are Peri!"
"I'm not Peri! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" The ginger arches an eyebrow.
"We're running out of places to run from idiotic humans." He comments sardonically, grasping the other man's elbow before he can say anything, dragging him off into the distance.
"I'm not human! I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!" She screeches to their backs.
The velvet clad man sighs, facepalming.
"Forget this planet- I'll invade Earth instead." And so he wanders off too, leaving the scantily clad girl to scream at the horizon.
"I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
And that is the story of how the first and last Shouters Anonymous meeting ended.
Not with a bang but with a screeching human.
"No more, no more." A wearied and aged man looks out into the distance, sack over his shoulder, "This fanfic has gone on long enough!" The woman behind him smirks.