I could just sit on this bus all day long and stare out of the window, everything was a blur, it reminded me of my life but it looked much prettier out there. No one to worry about or even have to think about. My life is just so hectic at the moment I can't remember the last time I actually had some time to myself, let alone think about the past year an a half. Don't get me wrong I love what I do but I really do miss my family, my girlfriend, and my friends. Yeah ok im with my 9 best mates everyday, but sometimes you just need to get away from it all. Im just looking forward to getting home, sleeping in my own bed and not having to get up and out by 9 o'clock in the morning.
There they go again Sam, J and platz playing eye spy, they can be real children at times, and can't they just be quite for once in their lives, they are going to drive me to the edge one day. The trees keep rushing past the window like they are in a rush to get somewhere, a little like me you could say. I wonder if my baby will be there waiting for me, I cant wait to see her these past 3 months have been so hard not being able to hold her, touch her or even smell her sweet fragrance. I hope no one is planning on throwing a welcome home party or anything for us tonight, because im not in the mood to party I just want to be with my family and be able to get an early nights sleep for the first time in as long as I can remember.
The bus is slowing down; I think I might finally be home. The bus has completely stopped and I can hear the boys rummaging around for things down the back of the bus, but I can't stop looking out the window hoping to see a happy familiar face, I felt something touch my arm as I realised the lads were departing the bus. There she was, looking more beautiful than ever; I grabbed my bag and got off that bus as fast as my legs would take me. I was last off and there she was finally in the flesh, I dropped my bag as she ran into my arms I didn't want to ever let go of her again.
"Ok babe you can let go of me now" she said whispering softly in my ear, but I didn't want to let go of her, I just wanted to stand there and just hold her, to make up for all those nights I'd dreamt of seeing her again.
"Come on lets go in its cold out here" She said kissing me lightly on the cheek, I reluctantly let go of her, as she took my hand. I shouted bye to the lads and everyone that had come to welcome us back home, I could see my dad and brother standing in the front room window waiting for my to come into the house, I couldn't wait to see them again.
"Welcome home son" My dad said not giving me chance to get through the door before giving me a hug.
"Hiya dad" I said trying to push him off me so I could catch my breath, once my dad had finally got a hold of himself and let me go, I was quite surprised my brother hugged me, it was not something he'd usually do. "Missed ya bruv" he said which actually brought a tear to my eye. He let me go and smiled at me, Lucy took hold of my hand again and we went upstairs, I was just happy to be home again.
I just couldn't wait to lie on my bed, my bed not some little bunk on the tour bus, or a bed that most of the population may have slept in, in a grotty hotel room this was my bed and mine only. As soon as I opened my bedroom door I ran and jumping onto my bed causing the quilt to ruffle. "I had a feeling you'd do that" Lucy laughed from the other side of the room, she was just standing still smiling at me, I loved to see her smile. "Come here baby" I said holding my arms out to her, as she walked over to me. "I missed you so much" she said sitting down next to me, she placed her head on my shoulder. "You won't leave me again will you" she said making me feel guilty for having to go in a week, it's not that I wanted to leave her again but it's my job, and I have to. "I don't really have a choice baby" I said as she moved her head and looked up at me.
"But why am I never allowed to come see you?" she asked, I racked my brain for an answer to give her, but the thing was I didn't have one to give her. From the moment we signed the contract we were told not to have girlfriends and if we did then no one and I mean no one was to know about them, but I didn't want to keep Lucy a secret any longer, I loved this girl, she had stayed by my side through anything and everything, and if the fans were loyal fans they'd understand how we felt about each other. I just can't get my head around the fact I have to keep her a secret. "I don't know" I finally said not knowing what else to say. She just smiled at me and put her head back on my shoulder, we just sat there in silence for a moment before I got up and put the television on, I didn't even bother to flick through the channels to find something decent to watch I just climbed into bed with Lucy lying beside me. I could of lay there all night just watching her sleep. I still can't get over how beautiful she looks, why is she with me? Come on she could have anyone she wanted and I know when we first met mus was well into her, what made her want me? And what has made her be with me for 3 years? I must be the luckiest man alive I suppose, gorgeous, sensitive caring girlfriend and my dream job had become a reality, but why don't I feel happy with it all?
"Ollie mate" Stu's voice came booming through my bedroom door "Get up" he then added, I wanted a lay in this morning cant these people see that, I turned over putting my head under my pillow hoping that he'd get the message and leave me alone, but did he hell, Stu being Stu wouldn't leave it until I was up. "Ok, ok im up" I said sitting up in bed and rubbing my eyes. It was only then I'd noticed Lucy wasn't beside me "Where's Lucy?" I asked looking around the room. "Im here baby don't worry" she said appearing at the door, standing in one of my t-shirts holding a cup of tea in her hands. "Luce do you actually have anything on under that?" Stu asked "yes I do thank you very much" she replied slapping him around the head, it was too early in the morning to laugh but somehow she worked her magic every time. "Anyway you two get dressed we're going out" Stu said leaving my room, but I didn't want to go anywhere I just wanted to stay in with Lucy. "So what are they planning?" I asked pulling my quilt back over me and snuggling down into my pillow, and I closed my eyes, I could hear her placing her cup down on my cabinet, next thing she was lying next to me. Now I really didn't want to have to get up. "They are planning a small get together tonight around Tom's" Lucy said placing her head on my chest. But why, can't they just leave me alone for one day, "Do you want to go" I asked Lucy as she looked up at me, "Yeah I do, I wana see the girls" she said, well that was it we were going. But I didn't want to get up just yet, I think I deserved a little time to myself. Not long after we fell asleep anyway.
Lucy finally woke me up at 5 o'clock, I was quite shocked when she told me what time it was, I didn't realise I could actually sleep for that amount of time. As I started to come around I could here Sam laughing down stairs, oh no I thought to myself, why do they want to spend their time apart together, what is with that. I'm all up for a party but not after spending all day with them when I don't have to. I could always just go back to sleep "Ollie get up" I heard Lucy's voice call from the bathroom. I slowly got up and rummaged around in my wardrobe for something to wear, I only got half way through and gave up, I was feeling hungry. "Do you want anything to eat?" I called to Lucy, "no im fine thanx" she replied as I made my way downstairs. "Ollie you're up mate" Sam said as I walked through the living room, I just waved my hand in the air, I couldn't be doing with him just yet, I searched the cupboards for something to eat, there was only corn flakes so I thought they are better than nothing. So I poured the remains of the box into a bowl, filled it up with milk, grabbed a spoon from the dishwasher and made my way outside. It was a bit cold to be sitting outside in the garden but I was going to be spending yet another night with the lads so all the time I could get to myself was time Intended on having to me alone.
"Baby" I heard Lucy's voice echo through the house, I picked up my bowl and casually walked into the house to be greeted by Lucy who was dressed in her sexy bootleg jeans and her favourite black Ted baker top with her knee high boots. "You better go and get changed" she said kissing me softly "Hmm yeah in a minute" I said kissing her back, she pulled away and gave me that look which she means it. "Im going now" I said kissing her again and then going up to my room, I just noticed that Sam had gone. Finally I thought to myself peace and quite, but then again I'll see him again in an hour. I took my time to get ready; there was no real rush to see them. Lucy kept shouting up the stairs for me to hurry up, she was getting very impatient so I thought I'd better speed things up. "Right im ready" I said going downstairs. Her face lit up as she grabbed her coat off the arm of the chair and we headed over to Tom's. as we arrived Lucy knocked on the door and we were both greeted by Becci.
"Hiya babes" she said giving Lucy a hug "welcome back Ollie" she added in as she then wrapped her arms around me, I hugged her back and smiled. Not that I felt like smiling much I did it for Lucy. As we walked into Tom's house we were greeted by more and more people, I didn't recognise some of them, but most I knew from school. "Ollie" I heard a familiar voice shout from across the room, I looked around to see who was calling me, and before I knew it Kelly was running towards me and had flung her arms around me. "Hiya babe" I said, this time I couldn't help but smile. Kelly and I had known each other for who knows how many years. I have known her longer than any of my friends here, and before we got signed we'd do everything together unless I was out with Lucy or she was doing something with Chris. I can't actually believe we are the only two couples that stayed together. I wonder why? "Ollie mate" another voice came from behind me, I didn't have to turn around to know it was Sam, I felt like I was going to blow my top, "Calm down" Lucy whispered in my ear, before kissing me on the cheek and going off with Kelly to get a drink. I turned around "Alright mate" I said through gritted teeth, all I'd heard all day was him laughing, and I don't even know what at. He is really starting to irritate me. "Umm yeah Sam I'm gona get a drink" I said thinking on my feet to try and get away from him "I'll come with you" He said just as I'd turned to walk away. I tried not to say anything, but I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter and the more he talked away to himself because I wasn't listening. Thankfully Lucy was in the kitchen, and she could see how Sam was getting to me. I saw her whisper something to Kerran, and then she smiled at me and Kerran came over and took Sam away, "Thank you so much baby" I said walking over to Lucy and placing my hands on her waist "It's no problem for you" She said biting her lip, which sent shivers down my spine, she looked incredibly sexy and devious when she did that. "Hiya mate" I heard Tom's voice say as he quickly wandered past Lucy and I over to his decks.
Finally some decent tunes I said to myself as Lucy had now wandered off to talk to someone. Alone at last I began to think, but I started thinking too early, I heard Sam coming my way, I grabbed a bottle of vodka that was juts sitting in front of me and made my way outside before he could spot me. I know I shouldn't be like this with him but I can't help it he just annoys me like mad. I was just sitting there on my own with this bottle of vodka when I noticed Platz and Becci sneakily walking back into the house from behind the shed "busted" I said causing them to both stop dead in their tracks and turn to look at me, Becci shyly smiled before rushing into the house leaving Platz outside with me, he slowly walked over to me and sat down next to me. "Alright" he said looking at the bottle of vodka "yeah fine" I replied, he just smiled and made his way back in the house. I just sat outside for the rest of the night, but by the time Lucy came to get me to go home I'd devoured a bottle of vodka, and bottle of Bacardi and a 12 Stella's, so now I was well and truly legless I don't really remember much about getting home or the rest of the night for that matter, I can vaguely remember Lucy, Chris and Kelly have to carry me home and put me in bed. The toilet seemed to be my best friend that night, and I don't know how Lucy coped with me being like that. I don't even know what made me want to get in that state, I felt like I was throwing up all my insides. Why was I getting like this, I could of just hung around with my mates and had a good night like we did on the road but for some reason I just felt like being alone and nearly drinking myself into an oblivion.
I woke up the next morning feeling the worse for where, I couldn't even think without my head hurting, it was like someone had smashed a bowling ball over my head repeatedly, and as for my stomach that was just churning at the thought of what I did last night. "How's your head this morning?" I heard Lucy's voice say from the doorway of my bedroom, "Not good" I replied as she just nodded and walked off, I couldn't make out what was wrong with her, why was she being so distant. The next few days weren't any different either she was avoiding me for some reason, she was the only thing keeping me home but if she was being like this then I have no worries about going away again. It had come to when we were all off again, people came to wave us off and although Lucy came to see us off she still wasn't herself. We were on our way up to Newcastle to perform that night at a club, I spent the whole journey thinking of her and trying to ignore Sam's laughter in the background.
"What's wrong with you?" Lee said sliding along the seat into Ollie "Nothing" I replied as I kept watching everything outside rush past "Yeah ok mate" he said as I seen him pulling a face out of the corner of my eye as he got up and went to the back of the bus where the others were messing around. I thought that it wouldn't bother me going away again after Lucy being off with miss, but now it was starting to kick in, what was wrong with her to make her be like this. I thought about texting her or ringing her, but then again she always comes to me when she is ready to talk. So I just did nothing for the rest of the journey, I kept myself to myself and left the lads to it.
Meanwhile: Lucy's thoughts
How am I going to tell him, and what if he gets all excited about it? Im not ready to have kids, don't get me wrong Ollie is the only man I want to have them with, but im too young right now, but I don't know if he'll see things the way I do. But I have to tell someone, let it all out of my system and I think I need some desperate advice on this issue. Right I'll phone one of the girls. After 20 minutes of ringing up all my so called mates and them thinking up the worst possible excuse that they could not to come and see me finally Kelly, said she'd come to see me. Why were they all being like that it's not as if they were being occupied by one of the lads or something. Why could they never be there for me? There it was a knock on the front door, I knew it was Kelly and now I'd actually have to tell someone about it. I went downstairs and opened the door to see Kelly standing there with a happy smile, I just couldn't contain myself anymore and burst into tears, her smile soon faded as she stepped forward and hugged me, I just couldn't stop crying, I couldn't even talk through the tears and sniffles, she just kept hugging me and telling me that whatever it was I'd be ok. Once she had finally calmed me down, we sat in the living room and I told her everything about me being pregnant and that I didn't think I was ready to have kids. She totally understood where I was coming from which made me feel that little bit better. "You know if you do decide to get rid of it im here for you" she told me as I hugged her, I just didn't know what to tell Ollie, Kelly offered to tell him for me but I thought it would be best coming from me. I still don't know how he'll react with it though even Kelly wasn't sure how he'd take it and she has known him all his life. But I'd rather tell him to his face than over the phone, it wouldn't be too bad he was home in 3 days, in suppose I could wait that long, and I made Kelly promise not to tell the others and I'd just have to put on an act for them all.
Maybe she was going to finish with me, that's it that's why she is being so off with me, but what am I going to do without her, does she really not love me anymore. Or maybe she has found someone else who will spend more time with her than I can. Or maybe he's just better looking, and more caring and sweet. What if she really is going to break up with me? "Ollie you alright mate?" I heard Stu's voice say bringing me back to the reality of it all "yeah fine" I replied faking a smile, he just nodded and went back to the lads, it was starting to show that I wasn't happy, and it wouldn't be long before they figured it out well it might take Sam a little longer than the others but that's only to be expected. I just want to get these next 3 days over and done with, then maybe everything will sort itself out. Or maybe I should go and interact with the lads so they think im fine, but just Sam's pointless jokes drive me insane it wouldn't be all bad if they were slightly funny, but they're not I don't see how the others can laugh at him, actually I think they are laughing at him, not with him at him.
I had now finally calmed down a bit and was interacting more with the lads, I was starting to become my old self, we were on our way back home for the night before we headed off to south Wales. Although I didn't quite know how Lucy was going to be with me I was looking forward to seeing her. I was battling Platz on the play station and I could hear Lee whining in my ear to let him have a turn. I felt like telling him to grow up, but I thought I'd better not. He finally went off to sulk and left us alone. "I can see Kelly" Chris screamed right down my ear, thanx for that Chris I thought, Platz turned off the play station and we all grabbed our things, and headed to the front of the bus, as the bus started to slow down I could see Lucy standing and waiting. "Hey" she said as I walked off the bus and over to her, she looked as though she was going to cry "See you later lads" I shouted as I put my arm around her and we went inside. "Ollie I think we need to talk" there is was, would it be the I don't think we are right together, or the it's not you it's me speech. She took my hand and we both sat down on the sofa. "Ollie, I'm pregnant" at first I was hearing the break up in my head until I had released what she had just said, "what" I said as I looked at her stunned. "Im pregnant but I don't want it" she said "ok" I said still trying to take things in, it's not everyday you think your girlfriend is going to dumb you and then she comes out with she's pregnant. "I don't want kids yet Ollie, im not ready with you being away all the time" I just keep looking at her "Ollie are you listening to me" she said shaking my hand "umm… yeah" I stuttered im 18 I cant have kids now, I have my life ahead of me. But why does she want to get rid of it, if it was mine wouldn't she want to keep it, maybe it's not mine and that's why she doesn't want it.
All these things kept rushing through my head, but surely Lucy would never cheat on me. I just placed my arms around her, and told her everything would be alright. I don't know why I was thinking all these things because it's not as if I wanted a kid now so if she did decide to get rid of it I'd be there for her all the way. We have plenty of time to think about having kids, don't we?! We talked about it for a few hours and we both decided that none of us were ready to have kids, we were both too young. At least now I knew why she had been so off with me the other day. We were just relaxing on the sofa watching a film when I could hear rowdy noises outside, we both sat up and peered out the window, the first thing I saw was Sam's face appear at the window. Not again I thought to myself, don't I spend enough time with him. Lucy jumped up and went to let them in. Kelly came over to me before I could even get up off the sofa and asked me about what I thought of Lucy's decision, we talked for a few minutes before the lads started turning the music up so loud that I couldn't even hear myself think never mind here what Kelly was saying.
Lucy seemed to be enjoying herself, so I thought why not; I might as well enjoy myself as well, but the thoughts that maybe the baby wasn't mine keep running through my mind and after a few drinks that's all I could think about. I saw her in the corner of my eyes sitting down with Sam, they looked rather cosy. Maybe it was his, no it couldn't be, could it? I had to think to myself for a bit. No Lucy would never cheat on me I can't believe im thinking about this again. I went outside to do a bit of thinking, I must have been gone for at least an hour, but when I went back inside Lucy was all over Sam, I couldn't believe my eyes at first I thought I'd just drunk too much and was seeing things but I hadn't actually drank much. So what I was seeing wasn't an illusion of drink they were actually flirting in front of my eyes. I couldn't believe it. How could she do this to me? I couldn't help myself I was just tormenting myself with thought of her with someone else, while she was still with me. As before I turned to the bottle, I took a half empty bottle of vodka off Tom who was quite surprised as I just walked off with it. Tom started playing some tunes on his decks and I just drank more and more, I wasn't as drunk as the last time but I was drunk enough to do stupid things. Lucy was deep in conversation with Sam so I tried to make her jealous by dancing with Frankie, but she still didn't notice so I think I may have gone a little too far, but I could try to start explaining things but somehow I don't think it will make a difference. I did something very wrong, well I thought it was right at the time but trust me it wasn't it cost me a lot, and it didn't exactly fix things, I started to feel worse instead of better.
"Ollie what are you doing?" I heard a voice say, I slowly sat up to see Kelly standing in the doorway of my room. "Hiya Kel" I heard Lucy's voice pass the room, if that was Lucy who was lying next to me!? I looked to my left and saw someone wrapped up in the duvet, I hesitated for a second, uncertain of whether I should look to see who the person was who I'd spent the night with. Wait…. How come Lucy hadn't come to find me!? Oh my dayz I bet she was with Sam! I remember them lookin all cosy now. I shook my head viciously tryin to get the thoughts out of my head, it wasn't really working, I had to stop thinking of the one I love cheating on me. I'd cheated on her…. Oh god! Right this is it… I slowly pulled back the quilt and looked at the sleeping girls face….. Frankie! How could I!? I don't even like the girl that much, and here I am, lying in bed next to her naked, sh!t, sh!t, sh!t!!!! "Ollie!? Ollie o my god how could he!?" I heard Lucy shout from outside the door, she was crying, I'd hurt her, BAD! She ran out of the door, I heard it slam as I threw on some jeans to chase after her. I sprinted down the stairs, everyone kept staring at me. I felt so stupid, so small… I felt like I fool when I saw Sam…. I know why I ended up there now, it was his, it was his baby! I'm sure of it! How could he? My best friend?!
He smiled at me sympathetically, like it was ME doing the wrong! I wanted to smack the smug look straight off of his face, the rage inside was overwhelming, but I couldn't do it! I couldn't ruin the other boys career over a girl, we made a pact that that would never happen, Marcel let Becci get in the way once, that's why they split up, but its aiite for him cos he got his own personal hoe in her, but I've got no one now! I wish Sam would stop tryin to be nice! ARGH man there isn't anyone for me! Only Lucy and he shagged her, got her pregnant and made me do this… oh gosh I wonder what everyone thinks of me now!? I cant handle this man I've had enough! I walked into the kitchen, Becci and Marcel were in there, obviously doing something I shouldn't have seen but I didn't care I needed drink and I needed it now! Whisky, that'll do…. I had to lean over then to get a glass, but they were too caught up in what they were doing they didn't even realise I was there! Me n Lucy used to be like that… why!? Why did she do it!? It kept running over in my head like a broken record, each time it hurt more. I left the glass on the side and walked back up stairs, takin huge gulps from the bottle, the whisky was burning my throat on the way down but I deserved it, I deserved the pain for what I'd done to Lucy, for what I'd let her and Sam do to me.
A month had passed and we had started to rehearse for the tour, Lucy just blanked me whenever we were out together. I had lot of time to think and maybe she didn't do anything with Sam, she loved me too much to do anything like that. But if she did do something with Sam it would make me feel a lot better in myself for sleeping with Frankie. I couldn't take this trying to learn to dance lark so I picked up my bag and headed for the nearest shop. "Bottle of Bacardi and a bottle of vodka please" I asked as the man behind the till passed them over to me "twelve ninety please" he said as I handed him a twenty, I put the bottle in my bag and took my change. I went back to the arena and went into the toilets and opened up the vodka bottle. Its kinda weird you know, I've bein pissed everyday and not one of the boys have bothered to even notice! Drink aint really workin anymore though, but its only thing ive got to keep me going through the tour and basically through everything.
The drink kept me going through the tour but I was being to become immune to it, it wasn't really doing much for me anymore. We had just finished the last night of the tour in wemberly; I decided to go for a walk while the lads did whatever they did after the tour which was no doubt chat up some beanies, who would hang on their every word. I was just walking with a mixture of thoughts in my head when I came across someone trying to sell some kid some drugs. "I don't want any" he said running away scared, I stopped in my tracks was this my way out? I slowly walked over to him "I'll take whatever you've got" I heard myself saying, Ollie why are you doing this to yourself, come on the drink was bad enough but turning to drugs this wasn't who I was, but yet I still paid him and off I went looking at them in my hand, I sat down on some swings at a local park. The next thing I knew I was back at the hotel where the lads were, I was in such a happy mood, and walked over to them and sat down. "You alright mate?" I heard tom say, tom was always the one concerned about everyone "Never felt better" I replied going over to the bar and getting myself a drink. By 2 o'clock I'd passed out in the waiting area of the lobby. Chris, Marcel and Mus had to carry me to my room and put me in bed. I woke up the next morning my head spinning I was so glad to be going back home. All I did that day was sleep off my banging headache. The lads just assumed I'd drank too much. But the drugs were giving me something the drink wasn't.
I decided to go for a walk to try and clear my head, I wasn't looking where I was going and I was too busy thinking to notice where I was walking. "Sorry" I said as I bumped into someone, I looked up and it was Lucy "its ok" she said with a small smile before walking around me and carrying on to where ever she was going.
I just sighed and decided to go back home and have a rest before we had to go and do an interview and performance at CD:UK. I went back and had a lay down.
By the time I woke up it was morning and I felt groggy, so I searched through my jacket pocket and found a few pills left. I took 3 and got changed and went off to meet the lads. We got there and just chilled until it was our turn on stage.
During the performance I was starting to heat up a little more than usual and at times things started to get blurry, but I didn't think anything of it and we went to do the interview with Cat. I could see her mouth moving as she asked us all questions but I couldn't here anything at all not even the other lad's responses. I was trying hard to concentrate on what they were saying. I started to get slightly dizzy which was not a good thing as I was sitting on the end, and I felt like I was going to fall off the edge, which at the time I didn't think I was but a few moments later Cat came to me with a question but I couldn't hear anything, I was looking at her with a confused face before I blacked out…
Ollie had died from an overdose of alcohol and drugs.
The lads carried on for 6 months before calling it a day.
Tommy continued to DJ up and Down the county making a name for himself.
James (flava) went into the producing industry.
The other lads went off their own ways.
Lucy kept the baby as it was the only thing she had left of Ollie.
Lucy had always been faithful to Ollie.
Sam was only trying to be a good friend.
Lucy named her baby girl Georgina Olivia.