A huge thanks to sa-mu-uu and corazson (on tumblr) who betaed this chapter for me!
Before meeting the Strawhats - Sanji's sexuality
When he got to his teens, Sanji had long since settled into the chaotic life of the Baratie. Many glancing at the surface would find the environment rather stressful, but to Sanji it was the opposite - nothing would relax him more than entering the kitchen and hearing the loud cursing of the former crooks they have for chefs. After a long day of work, they would always gather to eat, bicker, curse (as usual), as well as to share their past adventures. Sanji especially loved the stories, he would listen closely for any mention of All Blue; it never happened, but he never lost hope nonetheless. By the time he'd hit puberty, however, the stories changed from fighting monsters at the Grand Line to the many lovers they supposedly had. Zeff did his best to rip the life out of whoever shared anything pornographic until Sanji got into his double digits, but there's a limit to how one man can control a bunch of uneducated ex-pirates. That's how Sanji found out about how marvellous women were, not that he didn't find them amazing before – they were certainly different from all those gorillas he lived with; more delicate, gracious, pleasant... But now he had discovered some extra things; about a woman's body, about love, about lust, and it all sounded amazing, and he really wanted it too; so after a few talks and some weird posters he got as birthday presents, he was longing for some new types of adventures. Of course, he wouldn't be like those brutes - Sanji was a gentleman, so he developed new tactics of swooning that he had classified as "smooth".
He was 14 when one of his pick-up-lines had an unexpected outcome: it worked. He wasn't exactly ready. Actually, he wasn't ready at all. He grew to find the process of swooning and then being rejected a normal part of his life, so when he got a positive response he didn't really know what to do. It was probably one of the most awkward moments of his life. The girl was probably a couple years older than him, their hair had the same shade of gold. He still can't remember the colour of her eyes, for he couldn't manage to look at them for too long before becoming red as a tomato. It was the first time since he could remember that he lost his words and stuttered. It was also his first kiss, a kiss that left his lips tasting like cherry the whole evening, and he could still taste it in his memory. For two more years, his hands would still feel as trembling and wet as they did at the time, just by thinking of his first kiss – mostly because he'd felt like an idiot. During these two years he was quite certain that he definitely liked girls – mostly kissing girls, and girls' bodies too. And the only reason the memory of his first kiss stopped bothering him was because, at the age of 16, something way greater started to trouble his mind – he had his first sexual experience. With a man.
OK, it wasn't exactly sexual, but it was sexual enough alright. It wasn't with a customer, as his usual flings were. No… to make it worse, it was with one of their new waiters. Sanji never knew a lot about the guy, he never really bothered asking him questions. Instead, he would unconsciously make deductions; when he realized it, he actually enjoyed his detective work, turning it into a new hobby that used to make him feel "smart". When he first saw him, all that came to his mind was "he is tall"… Well, "he's handsome" was definitely a thing too. He used to smile a lot, "cheeky". He had darker skin so "maybe he is from a summer island". He looked older, probably in his early 20s. Huh, green eyes… "Nope, what am I thinking?".
He definitely didn't like the guy; there was something about him that really made him irked. The name was Indra. Zeff really liked the boy, he used to say "the little shit has ambition in his eyes", and that he knew he wasn't going to stay that long. He was sharp, fast, witty and dreadfully handsome (goddammit). Until Indra's last week working at the Baratie, they never really interacted; nothing more than a few awkward moments caught staring at each other. Sanji had deduced, by the other man's many scowls, that Indra was annoyed by his presence.
Only three weeks had gone since his arrival and the weird dreams started - cold kisses on hot skin, the contrast of their bodies, the sweat making the friction stronger… Dammit, he couldn't sleep. Just the sight of the guy made Sanji feel the heat of his skin as he had felt in his dreams. That's why, during the half a year Indra spent with the crew, Sanji would avoid him with all his will. It was around that time that Sanji's smoking habits worsened. He'd spend the last hours of the nights watching the ashes floating and then sinking in the dark sea until he wouldn't think about absolutely anything; that was for the best. Zeff interpreted the teenage zombie behaviour as the spawn of crazy hormones, and once or twice tried to talk with the boy, only to end up leaving, cursing the bratty eggplant that he raised way too well.
It was during one of those insomniac nights that the two boys first talked; it was also the first time Sanji considered something he'd rather not know existed. That night the moon was just a scratch on the sky; but the stars were so plenty and bright that one would barely notice that all the lights were off. Between the movement of the ashes on the waves, and the smell of the salted water, Sanji didn't perceive the young man that settled by his side; not until Indra's voice startled him to a point that he was pretty sure his heart moved at least 2cm away from the place it had been before. "Can't sleep?"
It took a few seconds to process the sentence and a few more to stop his body from shaking; at least enough to be able to answer without stuttering too much. What came out of his mouth was more of a whisper, but Sanji was proud enough that it was a complete word. "Yes".
"We never really talk much, right, Sanji? I think we should. I'm the closest to your age here on this ship. We should become friends". At this point, Sanji wished with all his will that the sky wasn't so bright, that the stars disappeared, that he couldn't see Indra's smile. He wished with all his misplaced heart that those green eyes weren't so bright, and that nothing about Indra would make him shake that way. Why was he like this? He'd had girlfriends before, and he knew for a fact that he was attracted to them, but never even once had he felt those freaking butterflies dancing in his stomach.
For the first time in his 16 years of existence, Sanji had fallen in love. Upon this realization, all he could do was scream; if only his voice would stop breaking. "Why? What do you want? Stop… please…"
At first, Indra's eyes were surprised, then confused, hurt and, finally, slick. He then got closer and, with a smirk cutting through his face, he asked "Heh… Sanji… Is it possible that you have a crush on me?" Sanji would run, if he could - he couldn't. He also couldn't speak. He was stuck in an awoken sleep paralysis. "Sanji, it's ok. I kinda fancy you too."
Indra tried to come closer; that's when Sanji finally awoke, and muttered a nervous "no" that sounded more like a "please" than anything else. Indra obliged, he stopped. But not without saying, "Look, it's ok. Is it your first time like this? You're young. Don't worry. But I'm here. Not for long, though. So if you want to try something, I promise I won't tell or judge. Let's see… In two days I'll be here, exactly here. Come even if you just want to talk or ask anything, ok? You better try to sleep now. Good night, Sanji".
And that's how Sanji was left with the most excruciating question that he's ever had to answer. "Should I?" He certainly wanted to. But at the same time, he didn't think it was right. He wasn't gay, was he? Oh, god, he was gay. He was super gay. Fuck. For two days he tried his best to forget it all, mostly because he knew that if given a chance to answer he'd say 'yes'. When the time came he couldn't avoid it and, as if he could fool himself, he decided to go, but just to ask a few questions. That night he drank half a bottle of Zeff's best wine; he'd never drunk so much before. Good. When he met Indra it was dark; perfect because he couldn't see his eyes this time. Sanji was sure to have a drunken talk, go to bed, and finally sleep.
He doesn't quite remember how he got there; but as if he'd just blinked and teleported to another place, they were together in a small cabinet, and Indra's kisses were leaving cold spots all over Sanji's burning skin. He wasn't sure where his hands should go, he didn't even know if his voice was really coming out of his mouth – he couldn't hear anything. Before he could even notice, Indra started to descend; the kisses that once started on his neck were now going down his stomach. Sanji wanted desperately to reciprocate, he wanted to kiss him too, he wanted to hold him and he wanted to look at an Indra as breathless as he were. A bit later Sanji went blind for a few seconds. He slid with his back on the wall until he fell on Indra's arms. He couldn't look up but the other man's hands fondled his face, and making Sanji look into his eyes he whispered "Are you ok? Did you like it?" All he could do was nod, and hug him as tight as humanly possible - as if they could merge, as if he could keep that moment there forever.
A few days after they met on the cabinet, Indra left the Baratie, just as Zeff had predicted. It was another first to Sanji – his first broken heart. After that, Sanji had to settle with the idea that he indeed liked girls, but he liked boys too. He just couldn't process it quite right. Nobody, besides Indra, talked to him about this. All he knew was that when men like men they are gay. And from what he'd heard, it wasn't a good thing. The cooks would often call each other gay when they did something wrong or funny, so Sanji decided to bring this part of him to his grave and only show the other half. He did the best he could to make it clear that he absolutely positively liked girls, and only girls. One thing really bothered him though – he never even once felt connected with any of them. He was certainly attracted, but it was almost as if girls were a pleasurable game, whilst with boys he'd often feel more engaged; but only when drunk, obviously. That was the excuse he kept for himself – he was drunk after all.
Years had passed and Sanji grew up used to the life he led, embracing one side of him with all his might, hoping that it'd compensate somehow for the abandonment of his other half. When he was 19, his worries weren't about his sexuality any more; they were about the stillness of his life. After all these years listening to the many adventures of the cooks and waiters that had come and go, he never had an adventure of his own. He had dreams, of course, but he had a debt too, with Zeff. Sometimes it would also occur to him that it was more than a debt – he was scared not to be able to show Zeff how much he appreciated everything he'd done for him.
But, one day, he ended up having to deal with all his fears at once. A weird kid with the broadest smile he'd even seen appeared and broke all of Sanji's organized chaos; and this kid wasn't alone. That was the day Sanji met for the first time the origin of all his upcoming fears and all his upcoming doubts. The owner of all the questions he'd have to answer and, as he later found out, of all the answers he'd ever need. Green again huh…
Notes: I started this one based on my headcanons for Zoro and Sanji. This fic is going to be Sanji-centric, expect lots of angst because it's mostly a one-sided fic (I'll probably give you a happy ending later, but... later). As you can tell, I hope, it's about a bisexual character trying to deal with his sexuality, I'm not bi myself so I hope I'm doing this right; I'd love some insight on this. English is not my first language so please tell me about any errors, I'm already writing the next chapter but it will take a while because I'll have to revise it a lot, because of the language thing, and because I'm also writing my college thesis. Hope you enjoy it, please tell me your opinions and expectations, I'm a newbie on this, I'll need all the help.