THE CACTUS JUICE TALES,
or,
The Big Rocky Eye's Insanity Defence
in which is Post'd for the Enjoyment of the General Publick
various Tales concerning the esteem'd Avatar and his Friends
and in which is Establish'd the Fact that the Author is certifiably
Insane.
DISCLAIMER. The Big Rocky Eye lays no Claim of Ownership upon the tales of the Last Airbender Avatar, so charmingly transmitted by the esteem'd Mr. B. Konietzko and Mr. M. D. DiMartino under the title Avatar, subtitled The Last Airbender. Furthermore the present Author considers it his most pressing Duty, to impress upon his Honourable Readers the true Fact that the Reading of the following Tale, call'd by the Author Dear Sokka, could induce in certain Persons a Shock, and in others perhaps a certain Sense of Disgust, and in yet others a Burning Out of the Eyes. Having thus, then, discharged his Duty, the Author now disclaims any Responsibility for the above-described conditions.
The Author humbly presents to the General Publick his first Tale, call'd
DEAR SOKKA.
Dear Sokka,
For ages I have been wondering how to pick up my brush to write to you. But how can I convey the feelings I have when I see you? How can I tell you how my heart beats when I watch you swing your sword with the elegance of a phoenix-swan swooping down on its prey? With what words will I write of how your sharp wit pierces my sides and leaves me breathless with laughter? Where shall I find the right word to describe your perfect form, your wondrous body? How can I say these things to you?
And yet, how can I not?
Sokka, you are my joy, my life, my all... and yet, how shall I tell these things to you? I have no talent with words. My courage fails me now—how can I tell these things to you face to face? So I write this, and leave it with you, a silent testimony of my love.
From one who shall for now be unnamed, to Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe.
"KATARA!" Sokka screeched. "KATARA! AANG! SOMEONE! ANYONE! HELP!!"
"What's the matter? What's going on?" Katara asked, rushing in.
Sokka held up the paper. "Some random guy left me a love letter in my sleep! What am I going to do?"
"Sokka, calm down," Katara said. "Let me see that." She took the letter. While she was reading it, Aang came in.
"Everything alright, Sokka?" he asked.
"NO! Everything is NOT ALRIGHT!" Sokka cried. "Someone sent me a love letter! Arrgh! Ahhhh!! Eww!!"
"Relax, Sokka," Toph said, leaning in the doorway. "It's just a love letter."
Sokka stood, delirious with confusion and fear and not a little bit of rage. "Just a love letter?? JUST A LOVE LETTER??"
"Wait a minute," Aang said. "Where's Suki?"
"She's already at the tea shop," Katara mumbled, still reading.
Zuko came in, visibly confused and angry. "What's going on here? Why's Sokka screaming like a girl?"
"Someone sent him a love letter," Katara said. "Not very well written, either. Here, O Great Firelord, why don't you have a look?" She presented the sheet to him with a low, mocking bow, earning herself a very nasty snarl.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Don't do that," he muttered as he grabbed the letter and read it out loud.
"What the hell is a phoenix-swan?" asked Aang.
Toph in particular enjoyed the letter immensely. "This girl's amazing. She even appreciates your 'wit'! Wait till Suki finds out! Oh goodness, this is too funny!"
"You think this is FUNNY, Toph?" Sokka exclaimed.
"Yeah, I really do!"
Katara dragged Toph outside. "You'd better shut up before Sokka murders you."
"Oh, man! I'm going to get Suki! Hahaha!" She ran off.
"Wait! Toph! No!" Katara chased her to the tea shop.
Aang took a deep breath. "Alright, Sokka, I guess what we need to do now is—"
"—BURN THAT THING BEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND SEES IT!"
"Yeesh, Sokka. I thought you were good with girls. What's a little love note doing, getting you all worked up?"
Zuko laughed. "Good with girls? Sokka?"
"Yeah, he's pretty much my go-to person for girl advice."
Zuko's eyes bugged out. "...Right."
"Well, I know enough about girls to know that GIRLS WHO WRITE LOVE LETTERS ARE CREEPY!" Sokka shouted. "ZUKO! Burn that letter NOW!"
"Wait!" Suki shouted, marching into the room. "I'll take that, Mr. Firelord." She read the letter as Zuko groaned.
"Please don't call me that..."
"Oh dear, Sokka," was all Suki said after reading the letter—and crushing it.
"Suki, you were sleeping with Sokka last night. Did you notice anyone come in?" Aang asked.
"No, I didn't; but both Sokka and I are pretty heavy sleepers. I didn't notice the letter when I woke up, though. I assume someone snuck in after I left for the tea shop."
"Well, did anyone else hear any noises?"
"Only Iroh and Suki's footsteps, I think. I was half-asleep," Toph said. "Besides, you're the one who sleeps next door. I sleep at the end of the hall!"
"Well, I didn't notice anything. You, Katara?"
"Nope. Nothing."
"Suki..." Sokka moaned. "Help. Some creepy girl is stalking me."
"No, some creepy girl is trying to poach my boyfriend! Aang, I'm borrowing Appa!"
"What, is it your turn to take a little field trip with Zuko?"
Silence.
"What do you mean by that? I'm taking Sokka, not Zuko."
"Oh, right. Well, have a—"
"I'm coming too," Katara declared. "If anyone's stalking my brother I'm going to know about it. Come on, Sokka!" She grabbed Sokka by one wrist while Suki grabbed the other, and together they dragged him through the door.
"Wait!" Aang cried. "Do you even know where you're going?"
"No," Suki said, "but I'll find out. And when I do..." The glint in her eyes said more than any words could.
"How about you do a little more hunting around here, first?" Zuko said. "Maybe a clue or something. You can't just go off on Appa without knowing where to go or who to look for."
"Fine!" Suki grumbled. "I'll check the room for anything the—witch—has dropped. Katara, help me ask around to see if anyone saw or heard anything suspicious. Sokka—take a bath. And do something about your nudity!"
Everyone laughed.
Later...
"Did you find anything?" Katara asked.
"Nope," Suki replied. "You?"
"Nothing."
"Well, Sokka, you're the detective. What do you think we should do?" asked Katara.
"IF YOU THINK I'M TOUCHING THAT THING AGAIN, YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN...than..."
Katara chuckled. "Alright, fine. I just want to find out who this girl is. She must be sick in the head or something—"
"TELL ME ABOUT IT!"
"—if she fell in love with you. I'm still wondering what Suki sees in you."
Suki laughed. "I'm just with him because he's desperate. He's a rather sad case, really."
"And yet you're so interested in finding the girl who's trying to 'poach your boyfriend'," Sokka shot back.
"Oh, shut up. I was just kidding. Anyways, we've got no leads. I'm going back to the tea shop. I'm sure the breakfast rush is starting. I'll be back later."
"Alright, then. See you later, Suki. Sokka! Aang! Get over here!"
"Katara, I'm already here," Sokka pointed out.
"What is it, Katara?" Aang asked, coming in from next door.
"Suki's going to the tea shop, Zuko's doing his Zuko thing and Toph's somewhere else, so there's just the three of us. Iroh is coming over tonight, and we've got no food. We're going grocery shopping. Come with me."
Aang groaned heartily. "We don't need to go grocery shopping. We can just get someone to do it for us. That's the beauty of having a house in the Upper Ring."
"Do you remember what happened the last time we let one of those women do our grocery shopping for us?"
Begin flashback.
The dinner room was empty, though the table was filled with half-eaten food. The chairs were in disarray as if everyone had left at once in a hurry, not caring what state they were leaving the table in. Two or three pairs of chopsticks had been dropped on the expensive carpet. Retching could be heard outside. Zuko returned first, and the first thing he did was throw the plate of vegetables out the window.
End flashback.
"Thought so," Katara said. "Come on."
She dragged the groaning boys out, hailed a carriage, forced the two on (a girl has her ways) and, in short, got to the marketplace. They went from stall to stall, buying a significant portion of everything in sight—Katara seemed to have lost any inhibitions on overspending—and before very long at all Aang was trying to balance a basket of fruit on his head while dealing with a (very big) bag of vegetables and a (equally large) bag of rice. Sokka had the equally pleasant job of carrying a box of roast pig. A whole roast pig. The only thing Katara was holding was the money bag.
"It would be nice," Aang snarled through his teeth, "if you helped us out, Katara."
"Quit complaining and hurry up. I still haven't gotten to the seafood section yet."
"If you don't hurry up, Katara, this pig isn't going to be the only thing that's roasted around here!" Sokka snapped.
"Come on. I think I see some sea prunes."
"NO SEA PRUNES!" Aang roared, releasing a stream of flames from his mouth. Katara was unfazed.
"Why not?"
"They're disgusting! How can you possibly eat that stuff? I'm about to throw up just thinking about it!"
"They're not that bad, Aang," Sokka said. "They're chock full of Vitamin C!"
"Vita-what now? What are you talking about?"
"Uhh, I don't know. I think someone's sticking words in my mouth."
"You been heading to cactus juice again?"
"..."
"Ooo! Seal jerky!" Sokka shouted, nearly dropping his box. "Can we have some? Can we have some?"
Katara slapped him in the head. "No seal jerky! Now come with me. I heard that Iroh loves roast duck, and that stall is supposed to sell the best roast duck in Ba Sing Se."
"More dead meat?" Aang cried. "We've already got a whole dead pig! How much more meat do we need to have?"
Katara sighed. "You're right, I guess. The pig's enough. We'll come back for the duck tomorrow."
"Good idea! Besides, look at the line," Sokka said, gesturing to the winding queue. Finding the end of the mile-long line-up would be just as annoying as waiting in it.
"Well, let's see. We've got the rice, the roast pig, the vegetables, the fruit…I guess the next thing to do is hit the spice stands!"
Aang and Sokka could have died on the spot.
"Don't worry, guys, we're almost done," Katara said.
"Riiiiight," Aang said. "Almost done." They dragged themselves off in the direction Katara had run off in.
This section of the market was filled with sweet and savoury aromas, being as it was the location of all the spices. Row after row of stalls, stacked with the most exotic flavourings known to mankind, filled the space. Katara wandered around with glittering eyes, inhaling the perfumed air with unbounded joy as Sokka and Aang followed, eyes filled with nothing but unbounded annoyance. Sokka was just about to demand that Katara hurry up when an oddly familiar voice called his name.
"Master Piandao!" Sokka called, running over to the swordsman and bowing.
"It's so good to see you, Sokka. Have you been keeping up your training?"
"Yes, of course! But tell me, what are you doing here in Ba Sing Se?"
"I needed a vacation. The Fire Nation may be beautiful, but it gets old when the only way to leave was by enlisting in the army. That's all over, of course, and that's why I'm here. Besides, I'm not the only one out of place here. I thought you were of the Water Tribe? What are you doing in Ba Sing Se? And why are you carrying around that big box"—he sniffed the air—"of roast pig?"
"Katara—my sister—insists on "relaxing" here for a while, and we're having Iroh over for dinner, and Katara's making me and Aang go grocery shopping with her. Speaking of which, here they are. Katara! Aang! Look who's here!"
Katara ran over quickly, clutching a little bag of spices of an (to borrow a mathematics term) undefined nature. Aang had nearly dropped his bag of rice and had to take some time to steady himself, but he managed to walk over without too many accidents.
"Wow! We meet again!" Katara bowed. "How are you, Master?"
"I'm doing quite well. And here is the Avatar himself!" he said as Aang came over. "I heard of your most impressive feat—taking away Ozai's firebending! ...Are you alright, carrying all that food?"
"Oh, he's fine," Katara said with a wave of the hand. Aang shot her a nasty glare.
"Sokka," Piandao said, "You don't look so well. Did you not sleep well last night?"
"Naw, he slept fine," Aang said. "It's what he found when he woke up that shocked him."
"What did he find?"
"NOTHING!" Sokka yelled as Aang whipped out a sheet of paper—the sheet of paper. "Where'd you get that?" Sokka demanded.
"This is what he found, master," Aang said, handing the sheet over. Sokka tried to recover it, but Piandao managed to evade every move while reading the letter.
"What did you do that for?" Sokka snarled to Aang after giving up. Katara just stood on one side and watched, chuckling quietly.
"A love letter," Piandao murmured. "Sokka, did you not notice...something interesting about this letter?"
"No, sir, I didn't," he said, eyebrows raised. "Do you know something?"
"Sokka, a man from the Fire Nation wrote this."
Aang and Katara laughed heartily, the former barely retaining control over his packages. Sokka's face could have been put into a dictionary under the heading "Extreme Shock".
"A MAN?! A MAN WROTE THIS?!"
"Look at the calligraphy. This style of running script is of the Sun tradition, based on the style of a very famous Fire Nation poet. It is known only to the upper classes of the Fire Nation—nobles and princes. In fact, this calligrapher is quite skilled, notwithstanding the poor writing style. Look at the downstrokes, steady and sure; the points, distinct yet subtle. It is a fine specimen. I doubt there is a single native of the Earth Kingdom who can—or will—write in this style. They follow the Kong school, which emphasizes less the flow between the characters and places greater attention on the structure within each individual word." (1)
"How do you know a girl of the Fire Nation didn't write it?" Katara asked.
"Well, to be honest, it is possible. However, I can only name one woman who can write with such skill."
"Who?"
"Ursa, the mother of the current Fire Lord. I have a scroll by her in my study. Exquisite!"
"So, unless you're saying Zuko's mom wrote Sokka a love letter...a guy did it?"
Piandao could not resist a little chuckle himself. "Yes, that's right. Well, I must be off. It has been good seeing you all."
"Goodbye, Master Piandao," Katara and Sokka said, bowing. Aang was still trying to steady his packages. As soon as Piandao was out of view, Sokka started screeching.
"AH MY GOODNESS A GUY WROTE THIS TO ME! I'M GOING TO DIE!!"
"Calm down, Sokka," Katara said. "Let's get all this stuff back to the house." She surveyed the packages she had bought. "Looks like we'll need to send for an extra-large carriage."
Even later...
"You won't believe what happened today," Toph blabbed, mouth full of food. "Sokka got a LOVE LETTER!"
"Ohh! What a surprise! How delightful that must be, to have girls leaving love letters for you," Iroh said with a big smile.
Suki suppressed her anger and replied, "Yes, yes, how lucky. Too bad he already has a girlfriend."
"And a very pretty one, too. Katara, this roast pig is delightful!"
"Well, I got it in the marketplace earlier today," Katara replied humbly.
"And made me carry it for three hours!" Sokka grumbled.
"In that case, you must tell me where! Oh, I am very glad you have invited me for dinner tonight. Katara, you are a wonderful cook. I have much to learn," Iroh said in his sage-like manner.
"Hey, I helped too!" Aang declared.
"And the Avatar, too! This food is delicious!" Iroh sampled some noodle-like strands of "seafood" that were placed near his end of the table. "Nephew! You must try some of the chilled jellyfish. It is delectable!"
"No, thank you, Uncle," Zuko muttered.
"You know what the most shocking part about Sokka's letter was?" Toph continued, unwilling to relinquish the subject. Sokka glared at her, then remembered that she was blind.
"What was that?" Iroh asked politely.
"It was written..."
Sokka cringed.
"...by a man from the Fire Nation!"
The entire table erupted into laughter. Iroh was not the only person that was not aware of the fact.
"A man! Of the Fire Nation? Impossible!" Iroh cried, his belly bouncing with laughter.
"Well, it's true!" Aang added, about to roll onto the floor with laughter. "Master Piandao said so himself after looking at the calligraphy!"
Iroh continued laughing with the rest, but henceforth it seemed...a bit forced? No one seemed to notice, though...
Even later than "even later"...
Iroh had gone back to his apartment, leaving the Gaang (plus Suki) in the house. They had just finished cleaning up after the enormous dinner, and were sitting in the sitting room (as opposed to standing, or kneeling, or jumping, or meditating...).
"Well, that narrows it down considerably. We can assume that this man is in Ba Sing Se, of course. There can't be more than a few Fire Nation nobles around here so soon after the war," Suki was saying.
"What about the possibility of it being written on behalf of a girl?" Aang asked.
"Then the man will lead us to the girl," Katara replied.
"Ah, but what if whoever's written it has left Ba Sing Se?"
"We'll just have to ignore that possibility for now."
Toph, who was previously silent, spoke up. "Guys, I think I know who it is."
Everyone was on her at once. "WHO IS IT? WHO IS IT?"
"I think..."
"Hurry up!" Sokka yelled.
"I think it's Iroh," Toph said. "I heard him walking around the house this morning when he picked up Suki. And, just at dinner, I could feel that he was trying to hide something when Aang mentioned that Piandao had checked out the calligraphy."
"Of course!" Zuko smacked his head. "Let me see that letter again. Yes...yes. This is definitely Uncle's writing. Why didn't I recognize it before?"
Sokka could have vomited. "IROH SENT ME A LOVE LETTER?!" He began shaking Zuko. "YOUR UNCLE SENT ME A LOVE LETTER!! EWWW! AHH!"
Zuko allowed himself to be shaken. All he could do was hope that this was a big joke...or a big mistake.
Meanwhile...
Someone knocked quietly on the door. Iroh opened it.
"Oh, it's you. Please, come in. Unfortunately, I do not have dinner prepared. I was at a friend's house, and have only just now gotten home."
"Sir, I cannot stay long. However, I did want to thank you for helping me write that note."
"It is no problem. I do not believe they know it was you."
"I will confess my feelings eventually, of course; but I have no courage right now. But, please, take this as a token of my gratitude." The person produced a bag and presented it to Iroh, then ran off into the night.
Iroh took the bag into his apartment. "I wonder what is inside...Ohh! Cabbages! Delicious! Perhaps a midnight snack will not hurt..."
(1) Complete bullshit.