Disclaimer: None of the characters herein are mine. They all belong to CBS and Bellisario Productions. Well...I put in a couple of people who are of no consequence to the story.
A/N: I think Gibbs does not like me very much. He does not want this story told and he's been fighting me for several weeks, but my muse keeps pushing me forward. Beware. It is dark and contains cursing.
Definition: ATAC – Antiterrorist Alert Center which in 2002 became MTAC – Multiple Threat Alert Center.
Dedicated to my Sveta.
DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, LATE 1991.
"What the hell, Jenny?" Gibbs' reaction to Jenny's abrupt departure from the plane brought the exclamation from his mouth almost involuntarily. They had been sitting side by side for seven hours on the flight from Paris. Coming back to the states to get their new assignments. He had not expected her to immediately jump from her seat and run to the exit door as soon as the pilot turned off the seat belt light. He could see her there at the door, first in line, not looking at him, concentrating on getting off the airplane. A touch of claustrophobia? Just needing fresh air? Gibbs didn't have a clue.
Just then the flight attendant opened the door and Gibbs saw Jenny push her way out and disappear from sight. Presuming she'd wait for him at baggage claim, Gibbs retrieved his "go bag" from under the seat in front of him and stood up. That's when he noticed that Jen had left her coat on the seat. She really was in a hell of a hurry to leave her coat behind! He picked it up and put it over his arm and began to make his way toward the exit, patiently waiting for other passengers to move ahead. Was this why Jenny moved so quickly? Didn't want to put up with the cattle call again? At times like these, she was still an enigma to him. Even after all they had been through together; working, playing, loving.
As they arrived, he'd been looking out the plane window thinking of opening his house after being away several years. There would certainly be repairs to make, and he'd have to get the utilities turned back on. The last renter had been gone for a couple of months, so he'd been making list in his mind of the things that needed to be done to make it habitable again. The plane had taxied into its position to the passenger ramp, and Gibbs was still thinking when Jenny made her mad dash to exit. He was still wondering about it as he found his way to the baggage claim. As he got into the terminal itself, a man in a suit holding a sign with "GIBBS" on it caught his eye.
"I'm Gibbs. NIS."
"Then you're with me. Give me your baggage claim tickets and my partner will bring them to you at headquarters. The Director wants to see you as soon as possible"
Gibbs handed over the baggage claim tickets and the driver gave them to a nondescript man who had been standing behind him.
"Is my partner, Jenny Shepard, going there too?"
"I have no idea. I was just told to pick you up and get you to the director's office ASAP."
"Did you see her get off the plane? She's a slender, red head."
"Oh, yeah, I did see her. Wendell was waiting for her, I guess, cause they left together just as soon as she showed up."
Jethro nodded. He would give her coat back to her when they met at headquarters.
Satisfied that he'd see Jenny at Director Morrow's office, Gibbs wondered why there were two vehicles picking them up, but he put it out of his mind as he followed the man to the terminal exit. As they walked, the man held out his hand to Gibbs and said, "I'm Joe Parker. Glad to have you join us Gibbs. We've been shorthanded for a few months."
Gibbs had gotten a terse comment from Decker as they left for the airport, "Hey, Gibbs, enjoy the Navy Yard." He had presumed that meant that Decker already knew where Gibbs next assignment was going to be so he was not surprised by the statement from Parker.
The car was parked right out front with a policeman standing close by. Parker said, "Thanks for watching the car, officer."
"No problem. Glad to help."
Parker walked around the car to the driver's side and Gibbs got into the passenger seat. It was uncomfortable holding Jenny's coat in his lap, so he turned to put it into the back seat when a pale blue envelope in the coat pocket fell out onto his lap. He saw his name written on the envelope in a hand he recognized immediately. Jenny. Without a thought, he reached into his pocket for his knife and slit the envelope open and took out the single page. As he opened it, he caught the faintest whiff of her perfume, that smell that had drawn him to her as surely as a flower draws bees.
"Dear Jethro,
"Thank you for all that you taught me.
"I mentioned to you once that I have a five point plan for my career – you probably don't remember.
"It is time for me to move on to phase two of that plan. I have an assignment outside the country. If you have the need to know in your new assignment, someone will tell you where I am. Otherwise, please don't try to find me. It could be dangerous for both of us.
"You mean a great deal to me Jethro, and I am sorry that I have to say goodbye this way, but I think I could not do it looking into your eyes. I shall always remember our days together, and I shall cherish the nights we made love and you held me in your arms.
"Goodbye, Jethro.
"With love, Jenny."
The jolt to the pit of his stomach was the same as when he'd received word of the death of Shannon and Kelly. The bile began to rise into his throat and he almost choked on it before he could swallow it back down leaving a nasty yellowish taste in his mouth. His mind was stalled – stunned into inaction. He could not think. There was a darkness descending over him that he thought he'd put aside never to have it reappear. He did not see anything of the trip from Dulles to the Navy Yard, and when they got to the gate, Parker had to tap him on the shoulder to get enough of his attention to show his identification. He moved in a fog. Not knowing or caring where he was going. The darkness in his mind was terrible, keeping him from knowing anything going on around him.
Suddenly he realized he was sitting in a chair and Director Morrow was standing in front of him with his hand out as if to shake. He did not remember entering the building, but he did vaguely remember going up a flight of stairs and a woman telling him to have a seat.
"Agent Gibbs! Are you okay? Did you have a bad trip?"
"Sorry, Director. I'm okay now, jet lag I guess."
"Understandable. From an undercover op almost straight onto a flight back home doesn't leave much time for debriefing. I'd have thought you would get some rest on the flight, though. Well, never mind. Come in. I've got a proposition for you."
The two men went into the director's office and sat at the conference table. Director Morrow poured a glass of water for Gibbs and placed it in front of him.
"Tell me, Gibbs, how did the mission to eliminate Zukov and his assistant turn out. Decker's initial report was sketchy at best."
Gibbs had to concentrate to be able to reply. The darkness still overwhelmed his mind. The name Zukov really meant nothing to him initially, then he remembered the undercover operation with Jenny and replied, "I killed Zukov. Two shots, one to the forehead. Jenny killed Chernitskaya. I think she was more than just his assistant, maybe a handler from the cold war days. We got out clean. Decker told me he had the safe house cleaned completely after we were out and that the flics had no clue who, what or when."
"Good. It's good to have that gun runner out of business."
"Now, down to my proposition. Over the next few months we are going to reorganize NIS. We are going to have fourteen field offices across the globe, not just clandestine service activities working with other agencies like you and Shepard and Decker have been. This is going to be the headquarters and I want my very best investigative team right here with me, and I want you to head that team. You'll have access to the ATAC and you'll be able to pull anyone you want from where ever you want to make up your team. I suggest a four person team, but that's up to you. I'm going to give you some time to think about this, Gibbs. I can see you're tired. I want you to take some time off, say a week, and when you come back, I'll expect to hear some input from you."
"Director, I'd like to have Jenny Sheperd on the team."
Director Morrow smiled at Gibbs as he said, "Yes, I'll just bet you would. I know you and she have done some marvelous work together, but it's time to split you two up. Her ambition is driving her Jethro, and before some guy convinces her to leave the service and have a bunch of babies, I'm going to use her talents to help this agency all she can…and that's not Washington D.C. right now. Go on, get out of here. I'll see you in a week. Tell Parker to take you wherever you want to go. You've got a house here in the area, don't you?"
Gibbs nodded and left the room in a dazed fog. He knew he had to get it together. And he forced himself to sit down and pull a notebook from his inner jacket pocket to make some notes. Things to think about over the next week. When he returned the notebook to his pocket, his fingers touched the letter from Jenny and the world around him darkened again.
GIBBS' HOUSE – 2030 HOURS THAT SAME DAY.
Gibbs stood teetering on the edge of the abyss, surrounded by darkness. Seeing nothing. Hearing only the sound of his own breathing and occasionally the sound of his blood pumping. He knew the pit was bottomless. He knew if he fell into it, he would never stop falling. The thought should have terrified him, but it only pulled him closer to the edge of that monstrous hole. He had been here before and somehow had escaped the temptation to walk into the numbing cold that erupted from it. No wind, just that goddamned cold that rolled over him like the blanket of darkness. His eyes ached with the effort to see into the depths of the pit. His belly churned with the bile that threatened to surge through his throat and out of his mouth. He could smell the rot of falling bodies deep in that abysmal hole. His body shuddered with the cold and with the sense of loss that overwhelmed everything.
"Goddammit, Jenny! Why? What the fuck were you thinking? Don't you know that I need you?"
His voice echoed back to him from deep within the black hole.
Then another voice came. "How could she, Jethro, you never told her."
"Shannon? Is that you, Shannon?"
"Yes, Jethro, I'm here."
"How long have you been here?"
"I'm with you all the time, Jethro, and this time you have to do most of the work yourself to get away from this temptation, this spell that's pulling you down."
"What spell? What are you talking about?"
"This depression, Jethro. This abyss that's tempting you to lose yourself in its maw."
"What can I do?"
"That's pretty easy, Jethro, but also very hard…forgive yourself. You were able to forgive yourself for losing Kelly and me because it truly was not your fault, and in the end you understood that. This time most of the fault is yours and you will have to work harder to forgive yourself."
"I don't understand."
"You're not dumb, Jethro, so stop beating yourself long enough to think about this. You didn't love her much when she was yours – at least not enough to tell her, so you have lost her to her own ambition."
"I did love her! I do love her!"
"You enjoyed her company. You enjoyed teaching her and leading her. You enjoyed using her body. You were afraid of losing her, and now you have. You did not love her enough to tell her.
"Think about it, Jethro. Think hard. You did not love her enough to tell her about me and Kelly. You did not love her enough to let her inside your shell of pain and fear. It is time to let her go. You'll hurt for a while. You will probably drive yourself too hard at work – and your people too. There will not be much happiness for you for a while, but in the end, you will come out of it."
Somehow Gibbs believed Shannon's words. She had never lied to him. Reluctantly, he released Jenny with the words, "I did love you, Jenny. Sorry I never told you."
GIBBS HOUSE, THE NEXT MORNING
Gibbs woke on the cold, hard concrete of the basement floor. The empty Jack Daniels bottle next to him was testament to his headache. His body ached as if he had taken a beating. Somehow his mind was clear enough to remember his own words of the night before. At that moment he decided that he would forgive himself. He knew that it would not come easy, but he was used to hard work, and as he picked himself up off the floor he said, "Gibbs, you idiot, if you find someone else, marry her." (It never entered his mind that he was setting himself up for future disasters.)
A/N: In my mind's eye, I see this episode taking much longer to resolve itself, but I have truncated it to keep it short and hopefully succinct. I do not mean to denigrate those who have been through depression. I know from experience that there are some of us who cannot resolve depression without counseling and maybe even some help from prescription medication. However, there are a few who have been able to use their own strength and the strength of significant others to reacquire the normalcy in their lives.
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