Shock and Shock

A.N. I'm only going to warn you once, do not take this seriously. This is a quick idea that popped into my head and was meant to be a joke-fic. That said I hope that some of you do enjoy it.

"Commander Shepard can I talk to you please?"

"Of course you can Kelly, and what have I told you about calling me John?" Shepard said as he exited the elevator.

"Sorry Shep, John, what I need to say is rather private and I was hoping that we could talk in your quarters."

"You know I have an open door policy Kelly."

"Some of us like to keep things private in the bedroom though," Kelly muttered and John tilted his head to the side a look of confusion clouding his face.

"Did you say something Kelly?" Kelly blushed and frantically shook her head making John even more confused. "Oh, okay then. If you're ready?" Chambers quickly moved past the commander and into the elevator leaving him to follow behind. The short ride up was awkward and when the doors opened John resumed the lead. "Okay now, Kelly why did you lock the door?"

"I love you!" With the door locked and her confession falling from her mouth Kelly did the only thing she could think of to salvage the situation. She leapt onto Shepard and wrapped her legs and arms around him. Before he could speak or regain his balance Kelly began to kiss him deeply and fervently. As soon as her lips were on his, his hands reached out and cupped her ass as he stumbled into his desk.

"Kelly, I," words failed the commander as they regained their breath.

"When we were captured I knew that you would come for us. Ever since the beginning I've had a crush on you and watching you and everything you do, it has only grown. I love you Commander John Shepard and if only for one night I want you to love me too."

"I can't love you for just one night Kelly," Chambers froze as the words emerged from John's mouth. "Ever since I woke up in that Cerberus lab I've been lost and confused. To me it was just yesterday that my ship came apart around me while it was actually two years. Then I met you, you were always there to offer me someone I could talk to, someone to help me learn what I missed, someone I could depend on. You became the nearest and dearest friend I have ever had and I,"

"Please John, no more, I,"

"I want you to be more."

"What?" Kelly was blinded by the tears pouring from her eyes, but there was nothing wrong with her ears.

"I love you Kelly Chambers and I can't nor want to love you for just one night. I want to love you for the rest of our lives. Kelly Chambers would you do me the favor of making me the happiest sentient being in the universe."

"Oh, John, I," the tears of sadness were washed away by the tears of joy as Kelly kissed Shepard with all her might. The moment was right even though it had started so wrong and as Shepard carried her to his bed she could only think, this is the happiest moment of my life.

Miranda had just finished her report on the Collector Base Assault mission when a message popped up on her screen. Clicking on it she activated a communications link with the other terminal. "Yes John can I,"

"Miranda my chambers, uh, quarters now!" The link went dead and Miranda could only blink in shock. Eventually she got going and one quick elevator trip to the loft had her outside the commander's door, which was locked. Raising her hand to knock the door shot open revealing a half-dressed Shepard, wearing only his pants. It would have been quite distracting if not for the fury in his gaze and a naked Yeoman Chambers curled into a fetal position on the bed.

"Lawson, you've got some explaining to do." With that the commander grabbed her arm and dragged her into his quarters and relocked the door behind her. Staggering from the quick pull and release she turned only to stumble backwards as John advanced on her, murder in his eyes.

"Shepard! What the, what is going on?"

"You tell me Miranda and this time it had better be the truth."

"I," Miranda froze as she took in the half-naked Shepard and the completely naked Chambers, "oh, oh no, I."

"Yes," the ursine growl actually seemed to make the room shake a little.

"The Lazarus Project was not actually successful."

"What!" The shout made her stumble back until she was right next to the bed. "You mean to tell me that you restored every other part of me except for my,"

"Genitals," Miranda offered helpfully." Her reward was a narrowing of Shepard's eyes. "Well to be fair if you think about it there was one prominent clue that you were missing something."

"What might that be Lawson?"

"When was the last time you went to the bathroom?" This time her reward was more amusing as Shepard froze one finger raised and his mouth open. Slowly he shut his jaw and lowered his hand and stared at her blankly for a few seconds.

"What exactly happened Miranda?" Lawson let out a sigh of relief, finally Shepard was beginning to calm down a little.

"Well first haven't you wondered why it took two years to reconstruct you?"

"Like you said in you logs, my body was badly damaged and according to Liara the collectors almost made off with my body. Between those two events I'm surprised that it only took two years to reconstruct my body."

"Actually the retrieval of your body didn't take very long and as you know, it takes nine months to create an infant from an egg and sperm."

"Get to the point Miranda or so help me!"

"We had your entire body and worked twenty-four seven on your body, often relying on the nanites and machines to do the actually reconstructing. However, we didn't have the technology to rebuild you so," Miranda paused and bit her lip. Shepard visibly struggled to stay calm as his hands flexed at his side.

"So what Miranda?"

"We built a robotic duplicate," Shepard stared at her agape while Kelly sat bolt upright on the bed. "It was a secret that the team that was rebuilding you swore to take to their graves, and every last one of them did, even that slimeball Wilson kept the secret."

"I'm a,"

"A robot yes, I've never even told the Illusive Man, although I think he either suspects or know outright, given the resources he has at his fingertips. For what it's worth Shepard I'm sorry."

"Thanks, but, you couldn't have given me,"

"Uh, typical male, we were pressed for time and we needed to focus on making sure that you were you."

"Well I'm obviously not completely me, now am I!"

"Uh, you, just like a male to think with his primary brain and not the one in his head. If we are done here Commander?" She barely waited for his nod before stalking past him."

"How long could it possibly take to build a,"

"I refuse to listen to this!" Miranda unlocked the door and practically ran to the elevator. Shepard collapsed on the bed as Kelly laid a hand on his shoulder.

"John, I just want you to know that this doesn't matter. I love you, robot or human, it doesn't matter."

"Thanks Kelly I, I love you too. Although I have an idea if you're up to it."

"Anything," Kelly said breathlessly, "I mean sure, anything you say." The cool routine failed as Shepard stood and pulled her to the edge of the bed until her feet touched the floor. Kneeling down he parted her legs and dipped his head down. "John I, ouch!"

"What!"

"Your tongue shocked me!"

"Uh, maybe we could just cuddle."

"Yeah just cuddle. Note to self do not throw out any of my toys." Kelly muttered as the two slipped under the sheets.

"What was that Kelly?"

"Uh, nothing."