Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
"Sorry I'm late, guys," they heard Kakashi say from behind them.
"Nah, it's fine," Asuma started, turning around, only to stop short. Kakashi was holding a toddler. In his arms. A real human child. What? This needed to be solved. He exchanged glances with Gai, Kurenai, and Anko, but they all looked as confused as he felt.
"Why did you take a babysitting job, Kakashi? That's genin stuff," Asuma asked, confused.
"I didn't."
"Then whose child is that, Kakashi?" Kurenai asked.
"Mine," came the simple reply.
"What do you mean, he's yours?"
"I mean that he shares 50% of my DNA, what else could it mean?" Now that Asuma thought about it, the kid's fluffy silver hair was remarkably similar to his old friend's. It was so foreign a concept though, he was having trouble believing it.
"My cool hip rival has beaten me in having a child?! I must find a wife so I can have a child too!" Kakashi and the others looked on in bemusement.
"Uhh...you do that, Gai."
Kurenai then asked if she could hold the toddler, and Kakashi, obviously very reluctantly, allowed his son to be taken. Kurenai gushed over his cuteness, and Asuma smiled.
"What's his name, Kakashi?" He asked, and was surprised and gladdened by the answer.
"Sakumo."
Asuma turned his attention to the other's reactions and noticed Anko's calculating look.
"How did that happen?" She said, pointing to the toddler.
"Well you see Anko, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..."
"Don't give me that crap, Kakashi. Where'd he come from?"
"My wife."
Asuma's cigarette drops out of his mouth. "You have a wife?" He almost yells incredulously.
Kakashi just eye-smiles. "Yup! Sure do! She's the best!" He surreptitiously flared his chakra a little bit and asked for his son back.
Kurenai gave him back regretfully, tilting her head a bit at the chakra flare. And then a person came through the window.
She was compact, like many other kunoichi, but had a deadly grace more commonly found in the ranks of the elites. And compounding onto that, she was clad in ANBU gear. Unruly black hair was held back by a mask of a wolf, behind which Kurenai could only make out piercing amber eyes. The stranger's impassive gaze slowly encompassed the room before stopping and softening. Kurenai followed the stranger's gaze to a certain silver-haired nin and toddler, one of whom was asleep, the other smiling in obviously fake innocence.
The strange woman sighed in exasperation. "What was the chakra flare for?"
He eye-smiled. "I wanted to say hi."
"I'm supposed to be on duty, baka."
"Sorry." The copy nin said unapologetically. As if by some unspoken signal, the toddler in Kakashi's arms stirred. He moved around, snuggling into the shinobi's chest before turning and meeting the gaze of the ANBU kunoichi. "Kaa-chan!" The boy burbled excitedly.
Kakashi gave out a sheepish laugh. "Heh...can you take him?"
"Two conditions. One, we switch. Two, you explain to the Hokage why."
"Fine." Kurenai, Asuma, and Anko just watched the exchange disbelievingly. Who knew the copy-nin was actually telling the truth? He was married, and had a kid - and a very cute kid at that.
She removed her bracers and torso armor, placing them on the ground next to Kakashi, as well as her mask. She took the toddler from Kakashi and stuck him on her hip, and Kakashi donned the mask and armor.
"What's the mission?"
"Watching over Naruto."
"Got it."
"Now, go!"
"Alright, alright. I'm going," he said, and hopped out the window.
The kunoichi turned and smiled uncertainly at all of them. "Hello, I'm Hatake Tsumiko."
"So, the lazy idiot wasn't lying?" Anko asked.
"Lying? About what?"
"You're actually married to him? And that's your son?"
"Of course."
"But you're way out of his league!" Asuma protested.
"Are you blind?" She asked, an eyebrow raised. "Kakashi is one of the finest specimens of a human male to ever walk the earth."
Kurenai made a sound of agreement and Anko gave an emphatic nod. Asuma felt foolish.
"Why has my youthful rival never mentioned your youthful presence to us before?"
Tsumiko grinned. "Well, knowing Kakashi as I do, you probably never asked him."
The group all thought about it, and realized that it was true that they had never flat-out asked him about being in a relationship.
"So, how did the two of you meet?" Kurenai asked, wondering how it was possible that Kakashi could and would keep a secret for that long. She also found it incredible that she had never before heard of Tsumiko.
Tsumiko laughed and shifted Sakumo down to the floor so he could toddle around. "Funny, really – I was, well, still am, kind of – we were ANBU Captains at the same time and we'd have this silent competition to see who could complete the most missions the most efficiently. And then Sandaime-sama stuck us on a few missions together, and well, things just kind of happened..." She cleared her throat. "But then Sakumo was born, and one of us had to get out, so, yeah."
"Well. You learn something new every day."
A/N: I don't know if I'll ever post any of the rest. But this is just something that got stuck in my head, you know - a wouldn't it be so funny if this happened...
And this came out.
(P.S. - thanks to tabjoy13 for catching a spelling mistake!)