Hulk's Swing
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognizable characters or products in this story. This is all for fun.
AN: New achievement unlocked. My first crack-fic. Hope you enjoy!
Oh yeah, completely un-betaed, as this came out of my head like Athena from the forehead of Zeus. I could not rest until I wrote and posted. Any errors are entirely mine, please be kind when pointing them out!
Tony was manic that morning, a hundred different thoughts screaming through his brain at Mach 3. He seemed to vibrate in place every time someone caught site of him, the rest of the team thought it was just the result of way too much caffeine.
Bruce knew better. It had been a long bender of science, working out an implementation on the suit, plus tweaking the energy output from the Tower reactor, and trying to deal with several 'fires' in Stark Industries' R&D. They were lucky the last 2 days, and had no call outs on the villain of the week.
He handed Tony some decaf coffee, well doctored to hide the supposed taste the engineer swore he could determine. If Bruce was successful, Tony would eventually drop unconscious and sleep until his body had recovered. His brain never would.
"Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!" Tony sounded exactly like a hyper 6 year old.
"What Tony?" Bruce was a study in loving exasperation, as he watched the other man bounce on his toes like he had some secret to the universe in his back pocket.
"What's your opinion about tire swings?" Tony wanted to know, an eyebrow quirking up as Tony focused on his lover.
"They are fun, I guess. Why?" Bruce wondered where this was leading.
"Okay, thanks! See you later! I need a few hours in the lab," Tony said, grinning like a shark. He spun on one foot and leapt away from the kitchen counter where they'd paused to refuel.
"JARVIS, make sure he drinks nothing but decaf," Bruce warned the AI, sipping his mug of camomile tea. He knew better than to try and stop Tony's burst of creativity, months of living together had given him the clear clue that Tony preferred free reign during those moments, and was generally a happier person when left to his own devices. Bruce more or less just stood back and watched, as well as supported him as best he could.
Down in the lab, Tony focused on a clean work screen. "Okay, J, this is what I need. Tires off a dump truck, and not the wimpy kind. Has to be those really big mothers, on the mining trucks? You know the kind I mean?" he began talking at the AI, while sketching out a simplistic drawing on the screen in front of him.
"I believe so, sir. Do you mean this type?" And JARVIS provided pictures of the type of tire Tony had described. The images were photos of several earth mover types of trucks. Big, heavy monsters of machinery and metal, with giant, house sized tires. One, the Caterpillar 797, attracted Tony's attention.
"That's the one J-man, that Caterpillar truck. I need a dozen of those tires, new if possible," Tony demanded, a smirk crowning his lips. "Good, this won't be any more difficult than building that damn collider," he murmured.
"Of course sir. Will there be anything else?" the AI replied, after placing the order for immediate delivery. The artificial intelligence had enough expanded programming to know that Tony hadn't wanted any delay on getting his hands on those tires. Whatever his creator wanted to build, JARVIS would assist him in obtaining the needed materials as soon as conceivably possible.
"Yeah. I need to also get some kind of fulcrum. This idea I have," he waved a hand at the screen. JARVIS didn't need an extra set of eyes to figure out what it was. A sketch of a tire swing dominated the glass. "I need some way to hang a tire, and allow it to swing on some kind of rope, and not break under the gravitational forces put to bear by a 900 pound rage monster."
"Sir, I am obligated to ask if this is a wise idea," JARVIS said first. He was indeed obligated, by protocols first established by Pepper, and reinforced by Bruce, to warn his creator that something might be terribly off with any craziness Tony could think up.
"Yes JARVIS, this is a GREAT idea," Tony practically crowed. "We have been wanting to get Jolly Green out to play, and maybe work on his team skills a little. What better way than to give him the beginnings of a jungle gym?"
"As you wish, sir. Where would you like those tires shipped?" JARVIS realized that the Tower, in the middle of Manhattan, was not the best place for this jungle gym.
"Let's send them to the island in the Caribbean. I think I can get a crane down there. A crane should work, right? And steel cables for the rope. We'll try a few sizes of that, see what works best," Tony ordered, flipping screens to find a crane he could buy and get sent to that small island.
A good month later, and Tony had completed as much of his idea as he could from New York. So, he called up the team, and invited them to go on a mini-vacation to the tropics.
"Tony, what's going on?" Steve asked, while lounging in a cushioned seat aboard one of Tony's Learjets.
"We're going to my island, south of Haiti, to do some team building, and have a little fun. Besides, I have a little surprise for Bruce and Hulk," Tony admitted, a sly grin forming on his face.
"Oh no. Tony, what have you done?" Bruce pulled his attention away from the latest issue of Scientific American and stared hard at his lover.
"Nope, not telling. You'll just have to wait. I promise Hulk will enjoy it," Tony laughed, waving off Bruce's concerns.
"Tony, come with me," Bruce got up out of his seat and grabbed Tony, hauling him out of his own. They headed to the back of the plane, where there was a separate, enclosed office. Bruce indicated Tony should go in, then followed, pulling the door shut behind him.
"Uh oh, trouble in almost paradise," Clint giggled, eyes dancing. Natasha smacked him in the shoulder.
"What? I'm joking, relax!" She just glared at him.
"You do not think the good doctor would appreciate a gift that would also benefit his berserker half?" Thor wondered, looking at the closed door in the back of the plane.
"Most likely not, Thor, but we'll have to wait and see," Steve said, shrugging, before turning his attention back to his book.
Inside the little office, Bruce leaned against the bulkhead while Tony sat on the desk.
"All right Tony, spill. You've been entirely too secretive over the last month, and I'm done waiting on you to tell me what's going on," Bruce practically growled. He wasn't upset or angry about the secrecy, just genuinely tired of Tony hiding anything from him.
"Aw, Bruce, c'mon. I can't surprise you? Not even a little bit?" Tony mock pouted. He tapped his fingers against his thighs, slightly nervous.
"You've had enough time with it. Please?" Bruce turned milk chocolate eyes up to meet Tony's own, and the softness was enough to break Tony.
"Okay, okay!" he threw his hands up in defeat. "The island is now a playground for Jolly Green," he admitted, ducking his head so he wouldn't see the disappointment in Bruce's face.
"A what?" Bruce was stunned. They knew that Hulk was cognitively a young boy, and tended towards treating him as if he were their child. This was an interesting development.
"Well, he's mentioned that smashing is getting dull, right? So, I thought if he had some way to get rid of all that excess energy, without having to be in an actual fight..." Tony couldn't finish. He couldn't bear the thought that Bruce didn't like the idea, that he thought Tony'd wasted his time.
"Oh Tony, c'mere," Bruce held up his arms, inviting Tony into a hug. Sometimes the genius was a big kid himself, and needed all the positive reinforcement Bruce could give him. Tony slid off the desk, still not meeting Bruce's gaze, and walked into the man's embrace. "It's fine. More than fine. Hulk feels happy that you went to all this trouble. Now, if it survives the encounter..." Bruce chuckled, holding Tony tight, and rubbing gentle circles between his shoulder blades.
"If it doesn't, we'll replace stuff. I'm good for it," Tony murmured, face tucked into the crook of Bruce's neck. Bruce simply held him for a bit, occasionally kissing his neck and face. After a few minutes, they broke apart and went back to their seats. The rest of the team checked on them visually, but, seeing nothing amiss in their expressions, went back to their own diversions for the rest of the flight.
The plane landed on the floating runway, and taxied to a stop. The team disembarked and made their way to a water taxi bobbing just off the side of the runway. A porter collected their bags and loaded them into the boat so it could take off, bearing the 6 heroes off to the island not a mile away.
Steve and Clint kept their eyes on the horizon, watching as the shoreline got closer. Thor was the one to spot the huge container crane in the far distance.
"Friends, what is that metal structure there?" he pointed at it.
"That, Thor, is what we're here for. This is a playground for the Hulk," Tony told them all. Each person had various forms of shock written on their faces with this admission. What would a 7', 900 pound being want with a playground?
"Are you serious, Stark?" Natasha was the first to recall her senses, and glared at Tony.
"I think it's a good thing," Bruce quietly interjected. They had made peace since the Helicarrier incident, but Natasha was still wary where Hulk was concerned. It was something they always tried to work on, during team functions.
"Oh, so, what, we have monkey bars, a swing set, and a slide for Jade Jaws?" Clint asked, disbelief written plain on his face.
"Well, we have a swing, not a whole set. Working on the rest," Tony replied, that smirk back in place.
"Great," Steve said, eyes still on the fast approaching dock.
They took the rest of the day to settle into the little house Tony had built on the island. Each member had their own room, save Bruce, who shared with Tony. Coulson hadn't been able to get away, so Clint was alone on this trip. The small staff that had been summoned there had whipped up a good, filling dinner of local delicacies that everyone enjoyed. The night passed without much fanfare.
Early the next morning, after breakfast, everyone gathered to watch Tony explain how this swing would work.
"Okay, so Hulk is basically an oversized kid, right? So I came up with the idea to give him his own playground. Unfortunately we had to put it here, because there's no where else that could handle the G forces involved in a Hulk who decided to leap from the swing," Tony explained to everyone seated on the veranda, enjoying fruit juices and coffee.
"So, a container crane can at least shift the swing, but what's the swing made out of?" Steve wanted to know.
"That's the best part. It's just an old fashioned tire swing," Tony laughed, and then drained his cup. "C'mon, I'll show you." And he beckoned them to follow as he stepped off the veranda.
Curious, they all did, finding themselves in a clearing with a hill of rubble on one side, the crane on another, and the beginnings of a water slide next to that. The slide was so huge, it looked like a displaced cliffside just jutting out into the water. The crane squatted like an inactive AT-AT from Star Wars, immovable until you needed it. The steel girders were painted in a mixture of greens and purples, with the driver's cab a brilliant silver that gleamed in the sun.
"Good lord, Tony, that thing is gigantic!" Clint said, staring up at this monstrosity he now desperately wanted to climb. When Natasha saw that particular gleam in his eye, she could only shake her head. But she'd take pictures of the fool when he did start up that scaffolding.
"Yep, had to be. Not like Hulk is really the size of a 5 year old that we could use regular equipment," Tony agreed.
Bruce walked over to the machine, his attention on the dangling ring of rubber that hovered over a deep, blue lagoon that was reasonably protected from the rest of the open ocean by a simple breakwater.
"Is that lagoon deep enough?" he asked Tony.
"Should be, but not hard to refill. The breakwater is submerged at mid and high tides," Tony answered. "Want to give it a try?" He looked so excited by the prospect, Bruce didn't have the heart to even try to argue. He simply nodded and began to strip out of his shoes and shirt, leaving himself bare except for the odd purple shorts they'd created a couple months ago.
"The crane is actually fixed in place. The cables hang from a pivoting caster that lets the whole affair swing and spin in place. I have the oceanic armor here, so I can join you out there," Tony explained while Bruce shucked his clothes.
"This looks like a marvelous invention, Man of Iron. I wish to try it out!" Thor boomed, a huge grin on his always open face.
"Well, Jolly Green gets first crack at it, then we get turns, if he let's us," Tony explained.
Bruce nodded, and quickly gave himself over to the transformation. While always painful, it was less so when he asked for it, rather than fighting it. In no apparent time at all, the team was confronted with their giant rage monster. Tony'd called for the suit to appear when the transformation started, and had a few seconds yet before it arrived.
"Hey, Hulk!" he called, not moving from his spot on the beach.
"Tony!" Hulk responded, his voice all growly and deep. Something resembling a smile cracked across his mouth, an unusual gesture usually reserved for the middle of battle.
"Yeah, Big Green, it's me. Turn around huh? See that?" Tony pointed at the suspended tire. Hulk obligingly turned, kicking up small dunes of sand. "That is your new toy. You can go out there and swing on it, if Bruce was able to show you."
"Swing?" Hulk growled. He looked puzzled at the idea, not really knowing what Tony meant. A faded memory surfaced as he stood there contemplating this new puzzle, of a small, brown haired boy playing on a much tinier version of the current physical specimen. The whole sequence went through the boy climbing into the tire between cables, and then getting the swing moving, complete with spin. The small child laughed at the fun of being part of centrifugal forces tossing him to and fro.
"Oh!" Hulk moved out into the water, and grabbed ahold of the thick cables that supported the tire over the water. "Like this?" he asked, tugging hard on the cables, making them creak as he clambered over the side of the 14 foot piece of rubber.
"Yes, that's it!" Tony crowed, pleased that Hulk had gotten the message from Bruce about what to do. He had really wanted Hulk to be the absolute first to get on the swing. The oceanic suit arrived, and encased Tony within its shell, allowing the engineering to monitor the stress the swing was now under with Hulk attempting to use a swing for the first time.
Hulk frowned a bit, settling into place. "How move?" he asked.
"Kick your feet," Natasha suggested, surprising everyone. Clint looked at her, and she just shrugged.
Hulk began kicking his feet, but all that served to do was spin the tire in a circle like a tea cup ride.
"No, kick them together," Clint offered. Hulk adjusted his movements, slowing the spin, and getting the preferred side to side motion.
"That's it!" Tony yelled, hyper with ecstasy at how well this experiment was going.
"Spin!" Hulk shouted, leaning to one side and setting the tire into motion.
"Fun!" the great, green man child shouted as the tire swung and spun. Tony laughed from inside the armor, watching the various readouts.
"Okay, now, see if you can jump off and into the water, Big Guy," Tony suggested. He wasn't sure it was all that possible with the triad of cables forming a cone atop the tire. But the top of the whole arrangement was so far away, there were huge spaces between each piece of braided steel.
Hulk studied the possibilities, aided in no small part by Bruce's long buried memories of childhood activity. He looked over his landing zone, and thought about it more.
Suddenly, he shifted his position on the edge of the swing, moving each foot up onto the edge he had sat on. Standing on the tire, he generated more momentum in each sway of the tire, until he had what they thought was enough. He let go, and backflipped into the lagoon with a mighty splash that caught the entire beach, soaking each of his teammates to the bone, save Tony, who was safely tucked into his armor.
Tony busted up laughing at the drowned rat appearance each person had. They swiped at their faces, attempting to clear their eyes of salt water. Clint started laughing, seeing each person that stood with him.
"Oh!" Tony gasped, laughing harder at their expressions of dismay, "Forgot *wheeze* about...splash zones..." he got out between laughs. He clutched at his sides, and tried to remain standing in the depths of his mirth.
Hulk surfaced, spitting a stream of water out of his mouth. "FUN!" he shouted, "AGAIN!"
"All you want, buddy," Clint called, after getting himself composed.
Hulk grinned, supremely happy with his new toy. And went for another round.
AN: Yes, that Caterpillar type does exist (Yay for a husband in the tire business), and so does the crane.
The crane specifically is the type that handles loading and unloading cargo containers off ships, and therefore can handle some of the stress put upon it by a happy, playful Hulk. I jury rigged the rest of the science there.