Missing

You know the feeling when you're happy with your life but something feels odd, out-of-place…Missing?

I was feeling that way.

I was enjoying this state of my life.

I finally moved to live on my own, YouTube started going even more good than expected. I was spending my days entertaining my fans and sometimes going out for a real drink with the Late Night Crew.

Saturday nights were the best days of the week.

Everything looked perfect and just the way I hoped it to be…But sometimes when I caught myself thinking, I realized I was happy but somehow empty inside. Something too important was missing.

Some days when I walked down the streets, going to the groceries I captured specific eye or hair color and every time something inside me "clicked" Blue and golden…Those two colors hounded me everywhere.

And one day I got it. It finally came to me.

My Swede. My Pewds.

I missed him. I haven't heard a word from him since he left back to Sweden.

And this was about 3 months ago. Because now was September. I remember that day clearly. The day he said he was leaving and probably never coming back again. But the worst was…he was thinking about quitting YouTube.
So that mend no more co-ops together, no more streams , no more chats and calls…No more "Bro day every day."
I remember being scared. About him…or about everything the future could offer him? He was alone now. Marzia had left him. But he on the other side left Italy without hesitating even for a moment.
I didn't know the reason and I couldn't help him either.
Although, he promised to call me from time to time…he didn't do it even once for those 3 months.
He wasn't on Skype or Steam. I slowly started giving up.
"He is just busy, Ryan. Live him be."
"Everything is fine. He will call you soon."
I repeated this all over again, hoping to make myself believe it.
Eventually, I forgot about it. It was like annoying pain, somewhere deep in my chest but I refused to let myself think about it.
Now, I had more important things on my head. I was helping my sister and her newborn baby. I had become an uncle a month and a half ago, and they took me for a babysitter for the little squirt. I didn't mind. It was something to keep me busy and not over thinking.
My life went to its normal boring repetitive way, but this time with two cats and a baby to look after at the weekends.

The Crew reminded me for Pewdie. And just when I had used to not thinking about it…everything crushed down quicker than it was build. All my walls build higher around me, all my masks…everything. My mouth dropped and that feeling of emptiness overtook me again.

One day, I finally got the courage to call him. Not caring about time zones or what is he doing. No answer. I tried one, two, three, four more times…Nothing just this monotone
Beep…Beep…Beep

It was early in the morning and I was still sleeping when there was a knock on my front door. I open my eyes trying to define the sound. The knocking became louder and I hurried downstairs annoyed.

I opened the door without checking who it is. And the next moment blue and golden mixed in my eyes.
The man standing there smiled at me.
Somehow I got into his arms, hugging him tight. I knew this smell too well. I knew this laugh. I remember those arms…

Pewds. My Pewds…

"Where have you been?" was the only thing I manage to say before burying face in his neck.

I think I was about to cry. I didn't know why. It was just like something awful had fallen from my chest. I felt the pain slowly releasing my chest, allowing me to breathe freely and in the end it just…disappeared.

We went inside and sat close to each other. He told me everything. How Marzia left him and how he took a little vacation from YouTube. He went back to Sweden to work for his father's company till the end of the summer. And when he earned enough money for ticket to Florida…He came to me.
"Why don't you stay with me?" I spoke to him. Pewds smiled, his eyes met mine and he squeezed my hand.
"I have to think about it, friend."
"Would it change anything if I ask polite?" he gave me a soft laugh
"Maybe"
I hugged him.
Just be careful. You are treading in deep water, sir.
Weeks and months passed. Pewdie and I went on with all YouTube stuff. The bro army was so happy when he returned. We decided to keep secret about living together. Only few people knew it.
Life used to be boring till now. I thought it will take time for me and Pewds to get used to live with each other but it was like things were always like this.
It's little odd sometimes…Seeing this person every moment but I didn't mind.
Maybe, because Pewds was always around me. Sometimes we stream together or just sit somewhere near me while The Crew and I played.
It was all alright for couple of months but all of a sudden this "missing" feeling was replaced with something new. Something I couldn't quite understand. I found myself thinking about that warm feeling when I hugged him that day.
You are treading in deep water, sir
This was something different and dangerous…because this time I knew what it was and what it was causing it.

"Do you really want to know why I left Italy…And not stayed, begging her to take me back?" the question came unexpected. I look at him. Pewds was smiling softly. I nodded.
You are treading in deep water, sir
"I left because of you." I looked at him nervously.
"Why?"
Careful,
Careful,
You are treading in deep water, sir
"It's just maybe because of the fact that I love you."
I kissed him.
You've come too deep inside, sir.

No way to turn back now…
And after all…this feeling of emptiness was replaced with something bigger, stronger than it.
With love.
I don't know when I felt in love with him…Or when he felt for me. I just know it was and it is something we both didn't expect.
But I am glad we did.