AN: If you liked my other fic, If That's what it takes, you'll probably enjoy this.
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, nor the lyrics from 'If Not You' by Dr Hook.
My Only Friend
Gil Grissom tossed and turned, but sleep would not come to him. He sighed as he removed his hands from his face. He willed himself to relax as he stared up at the spackle in his ceiling tiles. As a child, he used to love staring at spackle and discerning shapes and patterns. He hadn't done that in years. For a moment, he forgot that he was almost fifty-two and an accomplished scientist at a respected Crime Lab. He was that imaginative five-year-old again as he stared up at the ceiling and picked out shapes and images. He could make out a butterfly next to something that could have been the sun. He laid there for a long time, picking out a dinosaur, some letters of the alphabet, a bear, and an anchor before the dots morphed into a familiar face.
He froze and stared at the arrangement in his ceiling. She was the reason he wasn't sleeping. He was sure of it. All night…or morning, rather, he had been fending off the memory of her in his office before he left work. Now, as he stared at the spackle, he could see her standing in the doorway of his office, as had become customary over the years, as she stared at him while he worked on some last-minute paperwork.
"What do you need, Catherine?" he asked without looking up.
"Nothing," she replied, hesitantly stepping inside the office. He raised his head and his eyes met her cerulean ones. He raised an eyebrow conveying his scepticism. He watched as she sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. When she was settled, she spoke again, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for breakfast after shift."
He was sick of his colleagues asking him to do things with them. That was all they did since Sara left. What was the sudden fascination with his life? He exhaled loudly and said shortly, "I can't. I'm busy."
He was about to turn back to his paper work when he saw her shaking her head with a grimace on her face. He pursed his brow in confusion.
"I'm sorry I asked," she spat bitterly as she moved to get to her feet. He inwardly cursed himself. He had known her long enough to know that she was offended.
"I didn't mean to snap. I'm just…busy," he tried to amend. She halted her movements and just looked at him for a moment. He could see hurt in her eyes. Surely it wasn't because of him.
"Gil," she said softly, "When did we start lying to each other?" she asked, pain lacing her tone.
"What?" he questioned, confused again.
"I know you, Gil. Despite your best efforts to keep me from knowing you, I do. I know that when you finally force yourself to leave the lab, you just go back to that hermetically sealed townhouse and do nothing," she shot at him, pain replaced by anger, "I know that this is a tough time for you, Gil. I went through it with Eddie. We all want our alone time. I get that! But there are times when all we want is a little company. You could have just said that you wanted to be alone. I would have respected that. So why did you lie to me just now? Are your bugs and your damn genius-level crosswords more important than your friends?" she asked, struggling to keep her voice calm. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"I…I'm sorry, Catherine," he managed to get out. She shook her head.
"It's too late for that, Gil," she said sadly.
"What?" he asked, confusion overtaking him once more. She got to her feet and pointed a slender finger at him.
"I know that you don't mean that!" she shot at him, ignoring the panic that flashed over his face, "If you meant it, you wouldn't keep lying to me! You barely said two words to me all last year and when you do finally say something, you said that you're involved with Sara. I dealt with that. I thought you were a hypocrite and, as your friend, I was a little hurt that you didn't trust me enough to tell me before. Then she left and every time I ask how you are, you lie and say you're fine. Every time I try to be your friend, you shut me out and say your busy! I thought we were friends, Gil! I thought we could trust each other!"
"We are friends, Catherine," he stated rising so that he was at equal height with her.
"Right," she scoffed, "Twenty years of knowing each other and you'd rather shut me out than allow me to get close to you. And God knows that I've tried to get close to you! I tried to be your friend!," she cried, silently cursing her watery eyes, "But obviously you want me to stay away, so I won't bother you again, Grissom," she said, turning on her heel and walking out the door.
He was speechless. All he could do was watch as she walked out of his office. He didn't see the tears streaming down her face.
He replayed her last words to him through his mind. They were so final. And she never called him by his last name unless she was pissed off at him. He had really stepped in it this time. He turned on the light and walked through the empty townhouse, bitterness clinging to his heart, like the blanket he had wrapped around himself, every time the memory of their last altercation flashed in his mind. If that was the way she wanted it, fine. He was fine. He didn't need anyone.
"Uncle Gil!" three-year-old Lindsey squealed as she ran into his outstretched arms.
"Hi, Butterfly!" he cooed, picking her up.
"Uncle Gil, why does the fly fly?" she asked.
"Uh…" he looked to Catherine in confusion, bet she merely smiled.
"'Cause that spider spied her! Geddit?" Lindsey exclaimed gleefully, obviously delighted with her joke. He laughed in realization. Lindsey joined him. Catherine laughed along with the pair, infected by their laughter.
Gil pulled the blanket tighter as he attempted to blot out the memory.
He sat perfectly still, offering a silent comfort to mother and daughter as they slept in his arms. He had been awake all night. He had half-a-mind to go find Eddie Willows and make him wish that he had never hurt Catherine and Lindsey. Instead, he settled for being their shelter during the storm.
He watched as the sunlight caressed the faces of Catherine and five-year-old Lindsey. Once again he was in awe of the Willows women. As he stared down at their sleeping forms, he vowed that he would always be there for them.
So much for that, Gil thought, sitting on the leather sofa. Lately, he hadn't been too good at taking care of either of them.
"Wow, you got burned bad, huh?" she asked, taking a sip of her screwdriver, "Welcome to the club. I got third-degree burns from my marriage. Happens to everybody. Everybody just moves on."
"Good. Let's move on," he tried to change the conversation. She gaped at him. She wasn't going to be put off.
"But you have to deal with it!" she chided him, "You have to deal with it first! You got to deal with it before it goes away. You are the supervisor. You have responsibilities, and people are making a family around you whether you like it not, whether you give them permission or not. We don't have to go to the Grand Tetons together, just ... every now and then you got to lift your head up out of that microscope."
He was tempted to tell her to put the drink down, but what she was saying made perfect sense.
It still made sense, he thought, staring out the window. But it was too late. No one was building that hypothetical family around him anymore. He had screwed that all up. He wasn't there for them. He pushed them all away. Sara was gone and she didn't want him to follow. Greg barely spoke two words to him since Sara left. Grissom had a feeling Greg thought it was his fault that Sara left. Warrick didn't want anything to do with him after he threatened to fire him. If he had made an effort to lift his head up from the microscope, maybe he could have got Warrick the help he needed before things escalated to that point. To Nick's credit, he had tried to be a friend and take his boss out. But Nick had given up after Grissom rejected him a few times. Brass and Robbins had left him alone, convinced that he could handle it on his own, that he didn't need anybody.
It was only Catherine who kept trying to drag him back into life, even after all the times he had wronged her. Finally, after all this time, he had pushed her to the edge. She was ready to stop trying.
The thought scared him. He had had lots of people complain about him and stop trying to change him, but he had never thought that she would stop trying. She had always been his lifeline, the anchor that dragged him from the lab and into the real world. She had been his one connection to the people around him. Whether it was connecting him to the other members of him team or to the people who played politics around him. She was always right by his side, his right and left hands.
For a moment he imagined what his life would have been like without her. He would have spent all his time in the lab because no one would have taken the time to drag him back into the realm of the living. He would have been fired years ago because he was politically tone-deaf. He would have been killed if she hadn't cared enough to shoot a man to save his life. Half his team would have walked out on him by now. One of them already had in the year that he had ignored her. Another two were poised to go. He would have never opened up enough to let Sara get close to him. It was Catherine showing up at the hospital for him that showed him how nice it was to be cared for. If Catherine wasn't there to guide him, he would have been lost. And he wouldn't be able to tie a bow-tie. And who would have covered his shift for him when he was on sabbatical? Who would have supported him when Sara was taken, even though she didn't approve?
It all reminded him of a song by Dr. Hook called 'If Not You'. He chuckled. He remembered that Catherine used to have a slight Dr. Hook obsession.
"Who's gonna kiss where it hurts?" he sang to the empty townhouse. That was true. Somehow, she always managed to make him feel better.
"Who'll smile and say I look fine? And who's gonna stay on my mind the whole day through?" he sang, reflecting on the moment she put her arms around him to tie his bowtie. The second part was even more accurate. She had been on his mind the second she had left his office.
"Who's gonna see that I'm fed?" he continued, chuckling as he remembered a case where Catherine literally had to force feed him.
Who, if not you? Tell me, who, if not you?" he finished. After singing those snatches of the song, he began to wonder if the song had been written about them.
Suddenly, he didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be with her, to know that she would always be there for him. He had just realized how much she had always meant to him.
Suddenly he had to make things right.
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
He found himself at her door. Before he even thought about what to say, his hand met the wood in three urgent knocks. For a moment, he thought that she'd look out the window, see him, and turn away. It was a good sign that she didn't.
"What do you want?" she asked coldly, crossing her arms and glaring at him. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Words escaped him as he gazed at her blazing face.
"I…" emotions swept over him. How was he to communicate this?
"What?" she prodded impatiently. He knew he only had this one chance to communicate what she meant to him and how important she was in his life. He couldn't screw this up.
"I…Catherine…Don't…give up…on me," he choked out, the words not thought out, but rather just blurted out there. He thought he had messed up. That wasn't the right thing to say.
But Catherine's face softened as she spoke, "Don't give up on you?" she asked.
"Please?" he uttered like a schoolboy who had forgotten his manners.
"Gil, I…" she hesitated. Suddenly he knew what he needed to do to convince her that he needed her. He needed to allow himself to say the words that resided in his heart.
"Please, Catherine," he begged, preparing to make his big revelation, "I'm sorry that I took you for granted, that I took our friendship for granted. I really am. You are the most important person in my life. You always have been and I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I'm the most important person in your life?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. He let out a shaky breath and when he spoke, she had to strain to hear him.
"Catherine…you're…you're my only friend," he admitted, looking down, ashamed of his miserable life. Surprise found its way on her face. She uncrossed her arms and took a step towards him.
"Gil, that can't be true-"
"It is," he interrupted her.
"But what about Jim and Robbins and-"
"No," he said shaking his head, and he blinked furiously, "No. I've succeeded in pushing everyone away…all of them. It took me until now to realize it…to realize what I've done. You're the only one left. You're the only one who still cares. If I lost you…"
She had seen something in his eyes that told her that he truly believed what he said. It couldn't have been farther from the truth. She felt her resolve crumble at the sight of her best friend like this.
"I…I'd be lost," emotion constricted his voice as she pulled him to her in a hug. He was ashamed at the tear that fell.
"…I don't want to be alone, Cath," he revealed, relaxing in her embrace.
"You aren't," she assured him. They pulled apart and stared at each other on her doorstep, no words needed to convey what they were thinking. It felt right again.
"Thank you," he said, giving her a shy smile. She returned it.
"Have you had breakfast?" she asked. He shook his head. She motioned for him to get inside. He stepped inside her house.
During the rest of the morning, he was elated to find that they were able to revert back to the easy friendship that they had before things went haywire. They moved effortlessly around each other as they prepared a simple meal for the two of them to enjoy. They caught up on each other's lives, filling in the other about what had transpired in the time that they had been apart. And after breakfast was done, Catherine turned on some music as they did the dishes. He smiled as Dr. Hook's 'If Not You' filled the room. From the corner of his eye, he watched her movements with a smile.
As he watched her, he felt some of his old ways slip away. No more would he try to keep her away. If anyone could shine into his life and make him feel like a new man, it was her. It would always be her.
He may have pushed her to the edge before, but he was able to stop her before she jumped away from him. At that moment, as he helped her with the dishes, he vowed that he would never, ever push her that far again.
The End
AN: I don't know, I might consider writing a sequal if there's enough interest.