Chapter 1
They say the big bang was a cosmic scale eye-opening, as if some eldritch god just emptied its palm and bam, presto. But I like to think maybe it dipped its pen into an invisible inkwell, and suddenly the universe was spread out in contours of constellations and stardust in bright, beautiful lines. Yeah. I like the sound of that.
Children run by me as I make my way along the dust-covered path. It's summer now, and the heat is almost unbearable. I've already stripped off my shirt and stuffed it into my backpack, leaving only a thin, white t-shirt covering me. I feel a cool breeze stream down from the clouds and swim through my hair, and I revel in its breath. It doesn't last long, however, and I'm soon thrown back into the fiery heat of the day.
As I walked, I thought of the day I had ahead. It was a Thursday, and the first of many fear-filled days I would spend at a brand new school. I groaned at the thought of walking into a new classroom; standing in front of new people and introducing myself. Talking had never been my strong point. I'd practically stopped talking when I was eight years old. It wasn't that I couldn't talk; I just couldn't talk in front of people. As the five-story building came into view, I shivered. Maybe I should skip registration? I thought, nervously. I reached the iron gates that loomed high over my head. Peering into the playground I saw hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. My first though was run. It's what I usually did when I was nervous or afraid. I ran as far as I could away from the problem and I hid under my nice warm duvet cover and stayed there for as long as I could. It was a comfort to me, my bed. It was the only place that made me feel safe and secure.
I took one step through the gates, holding my breath as I did so. To me the air was thick and unbreathable. I took another step, and my heartbeat sped up. I felt it hitting my ribcage and trying to break free, I felt it drowning in the airless cavern it was now in. I still held my breath. Another two steps and I found myself next to a group of three benches, all occupied. At one, a girl sat reading. I subtly peered at the cover, afraid to move any part of me too much in case I drew any attention. She read "The Book Thief" which was one of my favourites. I'd read it several times since my mother had bought it as a birthday gift the previous year. She had raven hair that brought out the deep blue of her eyes. I took in her appearance, momentarily forgetting my nervousness. She had headphones in her ears, and as I continued to walk, I tried to guess what song she was listening to.
I turned my head away from the pretty girl to find I was close to the front steps. Only five more steps and I would be there, but there was a large group of boys blocking my path. There were five or six in total, and each looked rather frightening. The majority of them were stood, surrounding a muscular dark-haired lad with shoulder-length hair. He said some words, and the surrounding gang laughed. I guessed the one in the middle was the leader of the group. He seemed to be the biggest, at least.
As I approached, my palms grew sweaty and I took in a deep breath, allowing my heart, and lungs, to relax. I walked slower than I had before, my eyes falling to the floor and my hands clenched at my sides. If you were to ask me when my anxiety issues started, I wouldn't be able to give you a definite answer. My mother claims it was when I was three or four, but I'm not sure I believe her. I guess it's been a problem for a while. I remember when I was a child; on the first day of primary school, I got so worked up about going and being around new, scary people that I hid in the attic. My mother got so worried, she called the police. I still feel guilty about that.
I was close to the group now, and I found myself feeling nauseous. I felt like I was displaced; like my physical self was in the school yard approaching a group of ferocious dragons, ready to devour me whole; but my mind was not really there. In my head I was flying, soaring above the treetops and floating through clouds. I felt like a ghost as I walked.
I rested a hand on my stomach and sucked in my breath, as was habit, but I did not feel the usual dizziness in my head. I felt almost weightless. As I moved to the side, my shoulder brushing against the back of one of the boys, I clenched my eyes shut. I must have looked completely insane; holding my stomach and shutting my eyes so tightly like that. I felt like the walk would take hours, if not days. But when I opened my eyes after a moment, I was at the bottom step. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I let my breath out, but that soon went away as I realised that the worst was not yet over.