[Michael is on his computer, looking a little confused]
JIM
Michael, what are you doing?
MICHAEL
Why, Jim?
JIM
Well…
[talking head]
JIM
The other day, Ryan called up this office. He told me how important it was to keep an eye on Michael and he wanted someone trustworthy to do that job, and said I was unfortunately the closest thing that came to that description. Actually, he asked Oscar first – but Oscar apparently said no. So, I am now forced to check on what he's doing occasionally. And Ryan said he'll "make sure" of that. Still, kinda screwed my day up.
[back to scene]
MICHAEL
I saw something on 'Michael Scott' on wikipedia, and it didn't seem like it was me. So I had to look up 'accuracy of wikipedia' on the Internet.
[cut to Yahoo! Michael is typing in 'wikipedia'.]
MICHAEL
Ah! I've found something good…and useful.
[talking head]
JIM
He then went on the 'Wikipedia' article…on wikipedia.
[back to scene]
MICHAEL
All right…accuracy…okay! Here is the section. Only thing is, Jim, should I go on 'Criticism' or 'Reliability'? Both are…
JIM
Michael, not only is there probably more than one Michael Scott – you're looking at the reliability of Wikipedia on the site itself. How do you think that's…
MICHAEL
Jim! This is wikipedia, it's never wrong.
JIM
Michael, this is the Wikipedia article on Wikipedia. You're not gonna find anything that's possibly vandalized under 'criticism'.
MICHAEL
*sigh* Jim. I can't even remember this office back before Wikipedia was invented. And now someone is possibly spreading around…rude…lies on the Internet – and you don't think that I'm going to go to the best source for a site that could so often be wrong? You…don't make sense and you don't understand my point. Go back to your desk.
[Jim sighs and leaves]
MICHAEL
Ooh, an 'edit' button. That should put a stop to this… [he starts typing]
*OPENING CREDITS*
PAM
Okay…yeah, he's in his office. [pause] What? No…yeah, I'll connect you. [calls to Michael] It's Ryan.
MICHAEL
All right.
RYAN
Michael…
MICHAEL
Ryan! Buddy! What's your…
RYAN
I'm great Michael. Better than ever.
MICHAEL
Great to hear! So what do you need, sir?
RYAN
I'm making drastic changes to this company Michael, and nobody in the Scranton branch seems to be cooperating, so I'm going to have to let y'all off with a quick warning. This company will not be the same in a year – and I'm disgusted with what's happening in some of the branches, so I've had to take action.
MICHAEL
Slow down, slow down, you're acting…a little too hostile and it's like you don't even know who you're talking to. This is Michael, your friend, your old boss…not Toby. What branches are you even talking about?
RYAN
None of the other bosses told me they had any problems with the new policies I've explained. Michael, you don't take your work too seriously – and the website is suffering, and I think it's probably because my employees aren't acting competent enough. I put up with all your crap down in your old branch without saying a word even though I knew it was all pointless, but now I finally get to…well, decide what's best for Dunder Mifflin.
MICHAEL
There's not one bad salesman here. Stanley – great. Andy – excellent. Dwight and Jim are of course, two of our best. And I have been selling paper since before…you even got out of high school. So I don't want to hear anything like that…from someone like you.
RYAN
You remember who this is right?
MICHAEL
It's Ryan…and me, Michael. Having a conversation. About work. As buddies. What's the city been like?
RYAN
Yeah. I don't care how good of a salesman you are – you have to keep up with it. You haven't made a sale in MONTHS! So stop. Maybe…I'm thinking some of your workers should teach you what to do. You need to remember. You need to be a good boss, and I don't think people see you as one when you can't do what you need to. A friend of yours paid for the attitude he had.
[talking head]
MICHAEL
Sometimes I get so…sick…of Ryan. He's still got it looks-wise, definitely, but that beard…[laughs]…he thinks Pam'd go for that? Pam wouldn't go for that. I liked him a while ago, but now he's giving out orders to every single one of us like that's what every boss is supposed to do. I believe in karma – karma is…well, one of my teachers taught it to us, and it's hard to describe the exact definition – I'll ask Kelly about it later – but basically it's when bad choices you make eventually come back and bring you down. For example, Osama bin Laden, the guy who carried out the 9/11 attacks several years ago – he did that, and he came back with a message for our people in America last year, and the news called him impotent, and now he can't make love to his many wives. And that's what's gonna happen to Ryan. I know it.
[in Michael's office, Michael is on the computer examining Jim and Dwight's recent sales reports. Pam comes in]
PAM
Michael, what are you doing?
MICHAEL
Have to check sales reports, Pam.
PAM
And why do you have to do that? Is it because Ryan—
MICHAEL
Yes! Ryan, Pam! You heard him – he was being, well, all up on his pestedal – and he basically screamed at me to take a look over the sales reports, and to do some more of my own! But thanks to him, this office isn't even fun anymore. A boss is supposed to show his workers…fun. Back when Jan was our office manager, well—maybe I should call David Wallace and ask for Ryan's position.
PAM
No—you know, before you do that – maybe you should keep checking over the sales reports, make sure everybody's doing their job adequately.
[Pam sees Michael's sales reports, notices that he hasn't made a sale since October]
PAM
Oh my God…Michael…this doesn't ever come up, does it?
MICHAEL
[sighs, lays head down on his desk]
That's what she said.
PAM
I can't believe that – Michael, you have to monitor this stuff. Everybody here has been doing a lot more sales lately because of the failure of the…
[Andy walks in]
ANDY
Hey Mike. Been working on that sale – and it was tough, but I finally got it down. Now, it's not like I expect a reward – but c'mon, my figures are, and always have been impressive. Even Dwight looked really impressed—
MICHAEL
Yeah, Andy, good…I'll record it when I get some time. Is anybody else outside there, besides you, working hard?
ANDY
Most people…I'll let you in on a secret out there—Meredith isn't selling anything. Neither is Kelly or Creed.
MICHAEL
Yeah, listen, get back to your desk – I need to talk to some of the other salespeople.
[Andy stares at Michael for a few seconds, and backs away and closes the door. Cut to Michael in his office later talking to Dwight]
MICHAEL
Do you believe in karma?
DWIGHT
Absolutely.
[talking head]
DWIGHT
Karma is one of the most prominent principles in Buddhist culture, split between the two concepts 'yin' and 'yang' – 'yin' meaning good, and 'yang' meaning evil. It also reflects the balance of life, but one of many assumptions to more naive outsiders that has a certain truth is that karma is maintained by the heavens in a way that causes good people to be rewarded and the bad to be punished. Just look at that guy on "My Name Is Earl". He doesn't get it like I do.
MICHAEL
Well, you know I'm not big on asking you about weird, religious stuff like this—
DWIGHT
Michael, I think you misunderstand the entire—
MICHAEL
Shut it…I'm…I'm trying to make a point. The only reason I asked you is because Packer called me up, and told me Ryan had just fired him.
DWIGHT
What?
MICHAEL
Yeah, he was just being a jerk! And that's like, one of the most jackassy things he's done ever since he became boss. If I had gotten that job, I'd be firing a lot different people. [camera pans over to Toby, who has his head lain down on his computer]
[talking head]
TOBY
Yeah, I'm thankful Michael didn't get the job. I could only imagine what would've happened...
[different talking head]
MICHAEL
Yeah, I imagine all the time what it would have been like to get that job. Ever since I got that interview, I started thinking about it and how everyone at Scranton would have been affected. Jan told me to forget about it, but I think it's just sour grapes because it was her job. And that was one of the reasons she broke my TV I think...
[cut back to the office]
PHYLLIS
Michael, why are you so worried?
MICHAEL
I'm just...I'm not just worried about me, Phyllis! I'm worried about everyone here, and every dedicated employee working at Dunder Mifflin who's future is in jeopardy because of our new boss. You always need someone to subdue you when you have stupid ideas.
[Several people at the same time, either look at or roll their eyes at the camera]
PAM
Well, Ryan apparently has come up with a lot of new ideas...
MICHAEL
Yeah, and they're all...overly advanced for this company – it doesn't need a huge overhaul or a brand new website. It just needs people...and paper...and care. Like every company does.
PAM
I'm not saying I like his new ideas...
MICHAEL
Good. Because no one does. Toby!? Last resort. Do you like his ideas?
TOBY
I actually thought they were relevant – and smart –
MICHAEL
[sighs] Toby, stop saying things like that—
TOBY
Michael, I'm not saying it was good he fired Todd Packer—
KELLY
Todd Packer? Wasn't he the one that grabbed my ass at the St. Patrick's Day party we had last year?
MICHAEL
It was you or Karen...I don't remem-
JIM
Wasn't that the party where you stopped everyone for a minute, admitted you didn't know what St. Patrick's Day was celebrated for, asked Ryan to look it up, and when he got you the information said 'no, hey! Just another excuse for a PARTY!'
MICHAEL
How do you remember my exact words?
JIM
I... [pauses, can't figure out what to say]
MICHAEL
Never mind. We need to figure something else out. Because the office will not have a point if everyone is just worrying with me...
[talking head]
JIM
I'll be honest – some things about Michael are hard to forget. Really hard.
MICHAEL
Ryan says this is like global warming. You can't do much, or stop it—
ANGELA
Global warming is a lie. God wouldn't do something like that to this planet. He told Noah back in Genesis.
[everyone is somewhat confused, even Andy, but then he nods a few times and then turns back to Michael]
[talking head]
ANDY
Yeah, I believe in global warming. But I'm not gonna tell my girlfriend that. [voice gets a little lower] Just because, she gets a little forceful when I question…things like that. She says you shouldn't question God, or his plan, or what he's done. Or…what she's done – because God decides for her. So I'll have to keep what I personally…think…on the low, for this relationship to work. [smiles]