"Padfoot, what is it that you and Moony…erm…do together?" James asked cautiously.
Sirius, who had been sprawled face-down on his bed, turned on his side to face the messy-haired boy.
"What do we do?" Sirius blinked in confusion. "Um, we do a lot of things together, Prongs. We pull pranks, we ride our brooms, we study—okay, so that's more what Moony does—we make fun of the Slytherins-"
"No, I meant…whatdoyoudosexually?" James squeaked out hurriedly.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at his best friend. His very straight, very naïve best friend.
"Why the sudden interest?" Sirius drawled. "Want to join us or something?" He wiggled his eyebrows.
"NO!" James shouted nervously. He shot up and started to pace around the dorm.
"I…I…no! I like girls! I like how they smell, I like how they giggle at my jokes, I like when they wear white shirts and it starts to rain-"
"Calm down, hetero-and-proud, I was only joking," Sirius assured him. He cocked his head to the side, studying his friend. "You're awfully twitchy today, James. What gives?"
"I have to know. Could you just answer my question and then we'll never speak of this again?" James pleaded. "Please?"
"All right," Sirius agreed.
James sat back down and directed all attention towards his friend.
Sirius cleared his throat dramatically. "You see, James, when two people like each other, they want to express their attraction in a physical way. This is called 'sex'. Sex is-"
"I bloody well know what it is," James interrupted angrily. "I'm not that thick."
"Could have fooled me," Sirius retorted.
"Shut up."
"Anyway," Sirius got back on track. "When a boy and a girl want to consummate their relationship, it's rather easy. Insert appendage 'A' into orifice 'B'. But when two blokes want to do it, they have to be more creative. In this case, there's an appendage, but a different sort of orifice to insert it in." Sirius coughed and subtly pointed to his bum.
James turned bright red.
"You see, the bloke who is getting shagged is called 'bottom', and the bloke who is doing the shagging is called 'top'. Don't be deceived by Moony's shy and reserved exterior—he likes to be on top. Quite the animal in the sack, that Remus J. Lupin fellow…" Sirius drifted off fondly.
James was looking thoroughly disturbed by the recent revelation, but still he pressed on in his quest for answers.
"How…and…fits...too small…how?" James rambled.
"Lube," Sirius answered, "And lots of practice," he grinned wolfishly.
"Oh," James muttered dazedly, "Is that all you do together?"
Sirius snickered. "Sweet, innocent Jamesie. I fear that if I tell you any more, your head will blow up. And not in a good way, mind. See you later." Sirius patted James on the shoulder and made his way for the stairs.
Just before the door closed behind him, Sirius ducked his smirking face back in.
"Oh, by the way, Prongs, I gave Moony a blowjob on your bed last week. Ta!"
Sirius' mad laughter echoed throughout the entire Gryffindor common room.
Ten seconds later, Remus appeared in the dorm with his eyebrows furrowed.
"What have you and Padfoot gotten off to this time?" Remus asked.
James fell off his chair.
-END-