Summery: Everyone expects me to be the hero. The one everyone says is supposed to live forever- invincible. But I'm the one dying. Character Death. SasuNaru
A/N: Probably the most depressing Fic I will ever write. If I make you cry, you have to tell me.
**Quotes are used as dividers**
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Death Is As Love Is
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He noticed something strange sometime between the increasing bouts of dizziness and loss of appetite. He thought it was a cold- some little bug going around the village that Kyuubi would take care of in a few days. So he didn't see a doctor or inform anyone of his worsening condition.
It was easy enough to hide. Naruto was rarely called on to do any extraneous missions: Akatsuki was all but disbanded, Madara was in hiding, and no one had heard anything about Sasuke in months. Everything was in a temporary state of peace, a little breathing room in the middle of the ongoing war. His stomach was the first thing to go; holding a meal became a luxury among the many nights throwing most of it up. Naruto no longer had the will to join his friends' luncheons. Restless nights filled with sweats and tremors quickly followed. The few hours he ever managed seemed relentlessly plagued by nightmares and shadows. But it was all so harmless- he laughed at others for getting pills to handle the simple ailments.
It wasn't until the breathlessness (after using any amount of chakra) and hallucinations (of friends dying, of the village being threatened, etc) that he began to really worry.
It wasn't until blood joined his coughing that he finally convinced himself to see Tsunade.
"This doesn't look good. Not good at all," she stated gravely, looking Naruto in the eye- drained and wearied from the hours of probing, testing, and near-dissection.
Naruto laughed nervously.
"I take it, this isn't your common flu?" he joked, clenching and unclenching his hands together, shifting uncomfortably on the examination table. The two blondes took deep breaths of the sterile air in Konoha hospital, stealing themselves- for what one will tell and for what one will hear.
"No- this is… I don't know what this is," the Hokage ground out with a frown, worry lines marring the corners of her mouth and the space between her eyebrows. She hunched over in herself, almost appearing to fold into nothingness- to escape.
The blonde did not think it was a good sign, and felt his stomach tighten with a familiar nausea.
"At first, I thought the source of it all was the Kyuubi, but it seems like it is actually the seal itself," the woman let out a worried sigh, "It appears it's duty has shifted from sealing the Beast to draining its existence- literally meaning leeching the life force of the fox's chakra. The problem is that over the years, your life force has bonded and meshed with that of the Kyuubi's. The seal can't differentiate between the two- so it's taking all of it,"
Naruto nodded his head throughout Tsunade's diagnosis- for once, listening and striving to understand the complexities of this lesson, as his life so depended on it. His seal- that his father had personally created and placed on him- was killing him. His head spun. Was this the Yondaime's plan all along? That, once he reached to a certain point, the seal would evolve and work to eradicate him? Would Minato really do that for the safety of the village- sacrifice himself and his son to rid the world of a terrible monster? His only consolation was that if he died with the Kyuubi, Madara would never get his hands on the beast.
The air seemed to weigh down on him in thick black clouds, closing his mind and lungs- pressing, pressing, pressing- until his eyes began to water and his vision faded out.
All this time- spent thinking he would always have the time. All these years (sixteen of them) spent making promises and plans, assuming he had been given even longer to reach them. A part of Naruto told him that had been his fate- Neji would be proud at the word's use- had always been his fate.
"And to stop it?" he asked, voice sounding far, far, far away- small, young. Dare he try for hope? They were far more advanced in knowledge than when his father had placed the seal on his son. Could something be done to undo it? To set it back to its original form?
He couldn't see Tsunade because of the pressure around him, the tension building in his body- a swell of flooding… despair? Loss? Helplessness?
"It would take a long, long time-" implying time that Naruto didn't seem have, assuming it was indeed killing him- "And with some luck, maybe we can slow down the rate of decay-"
Decay. Naruto's stomach lurched rejecting- no, no, no! Decay happened to dead people, he wanted to tell her; decay only happened after the heart stops beating. His heart stuttered (or maybe it was his imagination, him psyching himself out) and- oh, god- he was dying. He couldn't hear the string of words leaving lipstick painted Tsunade's mouth:
"…researchers and scholars. I can have Shizune form a team to look…"
Because all he could think of was everything he had promised to Sakura ("I'll bring Sasuke back; believe it!"), everything he had promised himself ("I'll become the Hokage and win everyone's respect- you'll see!"), and how sad- so very sad- Kakashi will be because he'll be loosing another teammate, and all the man ever seemed to have going for him was loosing, loosing, loosing. Who was going to fight Madara? Who was going to avenge Jiraiya's death? Who would teach Konohamaru all the things about being a ninja that the sensei doesn't tell you?
"…try our very hardest to…"
It seemed so final, so concrete that the blonde could almost convince himself he felt the disease taking his body, felt the Kyuubi groaning and aching in his cold cage. I'm supposed to be the hero, he groped around his mind for an argument (arguing with death), I'm supposed to be the invincible one.
"Naruto? Are you okay?"
Naruto tried to fist his hands in his hair to grasp at something (anything), but he seemed frozen, his hands couldn't move, and suddenly he felt his cheek pressing into the icy tile- had somehow fallen off of the table- and it felt so nice to lie his head on something solid, as if even though he couldn't hold himself up, the ground could.
Gravity crushed against his chest cavity and his eye sockets- and a voice in his head whispered so softly You won't wake up if you fall asleep now, but he was already gone.
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…"I'm not afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens," -Woody Allen…
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Naruto stayed under Tsunade's close watch after that first examination, returning to a personal room (tucked nicely out of the way so as to avoid running into anyone who might know him- which only included the entire village) twice a week to log the progress of the seal. It was simple enough to fabricate a story ("Tsunade made me promise to keep it a secret, guys,"- and the current rumor was that he was undergoing special training to take Tsunade's job) that would cover up his disappearances and absences. And of course, Naruto would never ever tell a lie, so they trusted him unconditionally.
It was increasingly more difficult for him to conjure any of his own chakra- it sputtered and hiccupped every time he tried to gather it on his fingertips. It was crippling to know how swiftly his strength was leaving him. All of that chakra- his and the Kyuubi's combined- that he had been so known for, was so easily being taken away. He walked upriver (on the water, of course) and scaled up and up the trees for the simple pleasure of it, drinking in what little capability he still had, ignoring the exhaustion that clung to him afterwards. He ceased summoning his little toads to send messages and scarcely traveled by the rooftop, so as to save up his precious strength. The life of a civilian ill suited the blonde, but the little excursions (burning a hole through a leaf with his chakra, contorting the air to create a breeze) Naruto distracted himself.
"You've been pretty lazy these days," Sakura teased him lightheartedly, taking a bite out of the dango (Naruto envied her ability to eat), "You're going to get out of shape,"
"Bah- I'm too masculine to get out of shape!" Naruto grinned, holding up an arm to flex an impressive bicep. Sakura rolled her eyes and laughed her bouncy, charming giggle. Kiba snorted.
"You- masculine? You're like, the smallest guy in the village!"
"K-Kiba!" Hinata gasped, face turning bright red, "I'm sorry, Naruto- he doesn't mean anything by it,"
The blonde laughed, shaking his head with a murmured "It's fine, it's fine,".
"Kiba's just jealous because he's getting fat," Ino smirked, eyeing the teen smugly. Kiba balked.
"I'm not getting fat! I'm just filling out,"
Hinata patted his arm comfortingly when he looked to her for help.
Sakura smiled at Naruto when his gaze turned to her and their eyes met.
She really was a beautiful young woman. Her eyelashes were thick and long, her eyes were bright and intuitive. Her skin was- perhaps due to the intensive care she had given it over the years- was clear and smooth and her smile was purely natural and enchanting. Naruto founs himself quietly admiring her (and, he noted, had found himself admiring many other attractive people- as if his impending extinction had triggered some hyperawareness of appreciation). Naruto wished he could stick around to see her develop- physically and mentally- into a full grown adult. He imagined it would be something stunning.
"We should go spar; Neji told me there are no Genin teams in sector 1," Lee informed them.
While Naruto wasn't so weakened (yet- that voice breathed) that he couldn't hold his own against one opponent, he was fairly certain it would do more damage than he wanted. What if he drained himself trying to appear as good as should normally be and the chakra never came back?
"Actually," and at this, Naruto couldn't look anyone in the eye, "I have to get to a meeting with 'ol Granny,"
Kiba groaned loudly about "-special treatment- getting taught straight from the Hokage-" as Naruto stood from the tea house's tables (they had to push two together to accommodate their large party). He waved to them and leisurely strolled out, the morning sun humming against his golden skin. The blonde was glad that- out of everything he seemed to be loosing- his pallor had somehow survived.
When Naruto reached the hospital- as it really had been time for his next checkup- he bypassed the front entrance and walked around the massive building on a narrow, weedy sidewalk. It branched out and divided to meet the various doors- the pediatric wing, the cancer centre, the emergency waiting room. He passed them all, until he reached the second to last door- an opening that lead to a hall that would take him straight to Tsunade's personal clinic.
The clean white walls were familiar to him now, having spent more than a dozen accumulative hours inside them over the past month. As usual, Tsunade hadn't made it in yet, and Naruto made himself at home, stripping off his customary black t-shirt and hopping up onto the much used patient's table with a magazine. He didn't take in the words on the laminated paper (page 14, Ten Ways to Make Your Garden the Best on the Street) and let his wind wander to the possibilities this meeting could bring.
Maybe Tsunade had had a breakthrough and found a way to restore his seal. Maybe she was taking so long because she was in the middle of an epiphany that would lead to a cure. Or maybe she had developed some new medication to level his condition out- or even halt it. Or maybe-… his mind ran away with him, prancing circles and turning cartwheels (maybe, maybe, maybe) with every new angle.
Tsunade entered the small room after a while of daydreaming, her mouth set in a grim line and hands carrying a yellow file. It was one of the rare times she had come in wearing her white coat ("This thing is so stiff- I hate it,"). Naruto set the issue of Beautiful Homes aside and sat up.
"Good morning," he finally said- to break the ice.
The Hokage nearly jumped, eyes whipping up to her patient as if having just realized he was there.
"Yes- well…" she trailed off, slumping down into her rolling chair.
They fell silent and nothing but the buzzing air conditioner- a soft static- vibrated their eardrums.
"We have a problem-"
Naruto willed himself not to let panic and anxiety sweep him away.
"We've tried various ways of stalling the seal's work: healing the worst of the damaged tissue and chakra veins through medical Ninjutsu, deactivating the seal itself as to release the Kyuubi from your body and thus, giving the seal nothing to take, and studying the chemistry and makeup of the seal itself to try to alter it," Tsunade took a deep breath, "The problem lies in the natural defense of your own body. It sees the seal as an intrusive force and has gone into a sort of lockdown, because your body doesn't realize the harm isn't external. Unfortunately, your defenses aren't strong enough to block the seal- again, because your chakra has mingled too long with the Nine Tails,"
"But even so, what does that have to do with an external route of healing?" Naruto asked, growing more and more restless.
"Your immunity isn't strong enough to keep the seal from taking your life, but it's strong enough to resist any medical assistance. Your body is in a state of panic- whether you realize it or not. The protection it's putting itself under sees any force that isn't your own as a threat,"
"That sounds terribly counterproductive," Naruto muttered, letting his face fall into a hand.
"It is," Tsunade conceded sorrowfully.
"Is there any way we can deplete my defenses long enough to deactivate the seal and reset it? Surly, we have the technology for that,"
"I considered that possibility, but I'm afraid you'll never recover. At this point, the chances of you surviving that kind of blow are so little. I can't imagine going through with it,"
Naruto took a shuttering breath- in, out; in, out.
"How much time do I have?"
The woman bit her lip.
"Two to three months,"
One, two, three months. Or rather- One, two, maybe-three months. (Like dancing one, two, three to a broken record player- the third step never quite gets there.)
"Then what do I do now?"
Tsunade let the file fall out of her hands, the papers scattering on the checker print tiles. She slowly stood and in one step, pulled Naruto into a hug. He felt her chest heave and tremble, felt her warm breath flutter out sobs against his neck, making the stop wet and matting his blonde hair.
"I'm so sorry-" she whispered, voice trembling and sounding so small.
Under her display of remorse and mourning, Naruto felt himself break. Soon, he too was had boiling tears rolling over his scarred cheeks in thick trails. They grew loud, not holding anything back- it had been the first time the blonde had ever seen Tsunade weep so uncontrollably.
Decay- Tsunade had said not but a handful of weeks ago, but Naruto wanted to shake his head at her. Not decay. Death. Plain-and-Simple Death. (I am dying and there's not a thing in this world that can stop it. I am dying and I only have one, two, maybe-three months.)
They shook together, as one heap of anguish, wails dying to sloppy sniffles.
"You have to tell," Tsunade finally said, voice tremulous, but firm nonetheless.
Naruto clenched his eyes closed. He had to tell. Sakura, Kakashi, Sai, everyone. Sakura deserved to know first. But then he would have to say it more than once, and he honestly didn't think he could handle that.
"I know," his voice was raw, "I just. I need some time. To get myself- together."
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…"I do not believe that any man fears to be dead, but only the stroke of death," -Francis Bacon…
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It seemed as if an army were being mobilized in Konoha, and mothers poked their heads curiously out of their front doors to try to catch snippets of what was going on. But the gathering shinobi were unsure as well- why they had been summoned to the Hokage tower.
Tsunade's own office wasn't large enough to fit them all (one Team Kakashi, Team 8 and 9, Team Gai, and Konohamaru too many) so they congregated in a small auditorium used for district meetings and elections.
They chattered and gossiped among each other, they stood in their own personal minding, and eventually, when all were present, Tsunade and Naruto took a stand at the front of the room. It was kind of funny- seeing them all gathered with bright, oblivious or even indifferent expressions on their faces. When the nin noticed their Hokage, the talk died down to an ever-so-often whisper.
Naruto found Sakura seated in between Kakashi and Ino and beckoned to her with a soft call of her name.
When she reached him at the front, he turned to her and grasped both of her hands. Naruto pulled her close enough that he could smell her sweet perfume and conditioner.
"I wanted to tell you first-" she leaned closer in anticipation and Naruto was filled with guilt (I'm so sorry; I'm about to ruin your day; maybe even your whole year; you don't deserve this-), "But I only want to say it once,"
The auditorium went so quiet- true to the ninja nature; if the lights had been off, one would think there was no one in the room. What did Naruto have to say? He seemed to be struggling with the words.
It occurred to some, that Naruto was finally being announced as Hokage, that this was going to be the start of an all night celebration. But why did Tsunade look so tired? And why was Naruto acting so nervous?
"You see…"
Sakura's brows furrowed as Naruto swallowed thickly (You can't break in front of these people. You have to be the strong when for when you tell them).
The blonde's turmoil eyes steeled and he turned his face to address the crowd and opened his mouth- finally-
"I'm dying,"
He hadn't said it loudly or strongly- in fact, it was barely a whisper to those in the back of the room- but the words themselves screamed. They clawed and raged and ripped (I'm dying, I'm really dying; this is not a test)- if only to get a reaction out of Naruto's peers. They certainly hadn't expected it- and who would? They certainly didn't believe it.
Sakura laughed- obscenely loud in the throbbing silence.
"What? Are you joking?" she asked, drawing herself away from the fidgeting blonde. Her emerald green eyes carefully studied her closest friend's face, waiting for acute torment to morph into that of mischievousness. It didn't.
"No- I'm not joking," Naruto seemed almost out of breath, like saying anything was a deep struggle, "I'm sick, Sakura,"
"I don't understand,"
Her eyes flickered over his body, but it looked normal- maybe a bit thinner, maybe a few shades darker under the eyes but still normal.
"I got sick a few weeks ago and- well. I'm not getting any better,"
"But- the Nine Tails. Why isn't it healing you?"
"It can't. This is something out of its league," Naruto told her gently. He had a heavy knot in his stomach watching the understanding creep into her wide, confused eyes.
"You're not getting any better… So, worse?"
He felt tortured at the pace she was going to catch up (drawing it out, out, out).
"Worse," the blonde affirmed, and softly grabbed her shoulders and looked her in the eyes, "Sakura- I'm dying,"
In all his life, Naruto had never heard a more pitiful noise. Sakura's moth opened and let out a choked string of his name. She was tense and gaping her mouth open and closed before she raised her hand, and Naruto didn't dare block the slap she gave to his cheek. It stung- little burning needles skipping up and down his jaw line- and through watered eyes, he saw her crumple to the floor sobs spilling out and rolling across the floor to bump against his ankles.
He cupped the swelling skin (she hadn't held back) and turned his eyes to the others. They were staring- it hadn't registered yet.
Tsunade rested her hand in Naruto's soft golden hair before dropping it back to her side. With a final nod, she swept past her subordinates and exited the auditorium. The door she slammed behind her jarred the gathered nin back into their present bodies.
"You- idiot! You. You bastard-" Sakura gasped through her strangling, violent racking from her spot on the ground.
Naruto closed his eyes and didn't open them until he felt a large, warm hand land on his shoulder. It was Kakashi. His one grey eye scanned his former student.
"Is it true?" he asked in his deep, for-once-not-bored voice.
"Yes," the blonde whispered and he was pulled into a hug not a second later- though he was unsure if it was for Kakashi or for himself. He decided both, "I'm sorry,"
"It isn't your fault,"
That's right- Naruto saw Neji's figure over Kakashi's shoulder- because there was no fault in fate, right?
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…"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome," -Isaac Asimov…
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Things began to get hazy.
Chakra was too little to be of any use. Muscles were too tired from shaking in his sleep to want to move much. Eyes were too out of focus to look at anything. It made Naruto feel more like the world was leaving him than he was leaving the world.
Somewhere between Sakura's soothing hands and heaving blood, Gaara's joined- though Naruto couldn't say when the Kage arrived. He spent most of his time in a special bed and as much time as he could on top of the Kage Mountain.
Hinata and- surprisingly- Shikamaru liked to come every other day to talk- about their experiences, their memories, their families, their fears. Naruto liked to tell them everything in return (I used to be afraid of the dark, you know? Sometimes, I pretend I've already been appointed as the Hokage and walk around town through Tsunade's eyes. I really love Sasuke- probably even more than Sakura does. He's my most precious person).
He never knew that along with arranging flowers, Ino could cook too. She would make him come to her quaint little shop, sit down, be blindfolded, and guess what it was she was feeding him. It was funny how people changed when a man was dying. One, two, maybe-three narrowed quickly to one, maybe-two.
"I know it seems like I'm jumping the gun here," Shikamaru said over a game of Shogi. Sakura paused in her reading and Naruto looked up from the game's board, "but have you thought about a final request?"
Sakura leapt from her chair.
"Now, see here-"
Naruto cut her off loudly.
"Yes, actually,"
He picked up a wooden Shogi piece and turned it over in his fingers before placing it in a new spot. Shikamaru immediately retaliated, having probably already predicted and planned.
"I want to go see Sasuke,"
"Surprise," Gaara murmured, before gesturing where Naruto should move next. He had been steering Naruto's entire half of the game.
"Absolutely not. There's no way you're leaving the village,"
"Oh, lighten up Sakura," Naruto scowled, squinting across the room at her, "I'm dying no matter where I am. Konoha, Suna, the moon. I'll still be dead by December,"
"I know that!" Sakura hissed, slamming her book down (A Tale of Two Cities), "I've seen Tsunade's reports on you! I've seen you spend the last two weeks surviving on a liquid diet! You think I don't notice how weak you're getting?"
"Of course I don't think that. None of us do. But you've got to accept that part-" Naruto stood (less steadily than he wanted) and crossed to her chair, "I want to see Sasuke. I need to,"
"You Don't have the endurance to leave," Shikamaru interrupted, "I can gather a team and bring him here,"
Naruto frowned, turning back to him.
"Bring Sasuke here? I don't think that'll ever be possible,"
"Then somewhere close,"
The blonde felt the pull of drowsiness (You're sleepy-sleeping your life away. One day you won't wake up, a voice sang).
It was the last time he saw Shikamaru, and had he known, he would have tried harder to give a proper goodbye.
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…"Most of us die with much of our music still in us, un-sung, un-played," -Grant M. Bright…
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"Can I trust you?"
Sakura didn't like the answering sneer. Sure, Sai was her teammate, her comrade, and all- but when it came to Sasuke, he had proven himself to be less than… well- trustworthy.
"Of course. I already told you I will not threat Uchiha's life because-"
"Naruto and Sasuke's bond. Right. But can I trust you to find him and somehow bring him back all in one piece? This is Naruto's last-" and at this, her voice faltered a bit- "request we're talking about. We're on a time limit here," Sakura insisted- more to assure herself that she was getting her point across.
Sai smiled, and maybe he was doing it on purpose, but it was damn creepy.
"Who do you want me to take?" he finally asked, submitting.
"Neji and Shikamaru, definitely. Anyone able to scope out areas and fast,"
Sai didn't reply to that- only disappeared from Sakura's apartment without a trace. It wasn't until a few hours later, when a certain two village genii and a few others came up missing that Sakura felt sure Sai had truly gone.
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…"Death is a distant rumor to the young," -Andrew A. Rooney…
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"I think I'm loosing my taste buds," Naruto whined with a pout, holding up a fork full of cake, "Everything is beginning to taste like… grey. Grey mush,"
Ino gaped at him.
"Are you saying my cake is flavorless?" she cried, yanking the fork to her own mouth and taking a mouthful, "You're crazy! This is delicious,"
Sakura laughed but Tsunade only cleared her throat. Upon seeing her serious expression, the three sobered.
"Naruto, I've been talking with a few people here and there- you know, the council, villagers- and many have expressed a wish to throw a festival in your honor tomorrow night,"
Naruto blinked several times, sitting up straighter on his bed and sliding the tray of desserts out of his lap. A festival? Isn't that something you're supposed to do after the ailing has died? Didn't these same people ridicule and isolate him not but a few years ago? And now- a whole festival! In his honor. He scoffed at the very idea.
"It's nice, but I don't want all that attention,"
"But I've already started coordinating the decorations with Hinata. Lee was looking forward to do 700 hundred laps around Konoha just for you," Ino said with a frown, "And all of those flowers and sweets I've prepared,"
"And Teuchi has already opened a huge bar for the whole village. Everyone wants to eat your favorite food," Sakura pointed out, "And Sai painted a mural last week,"
Tsunade nodded. Naruto could only stare at them.
"And Shino has been working to cultivate a whole army of butterflies to set loose on top of the Kage Mountain,"
"Didn't Iruka and Kakashi go down to Iwa for two weeks to get their best fireworks? I'm pretty sure The Hyuugas are working on something pretty big too. Should have seen all of that moving around in their district,"
"So you see…" Ino trailed off with a smile.
"Everyone's already anticipating this," Sakura finished, and jumped in surprise when her blonde friend looked down at his lap and softly began to cry.
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…"We all labor against our own cure, for death is the cure of all diseases," -Sir Thomas Browne (Religio Medici)…
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We've got him.
Neji had to paralyze him and cut off his chakra with his Palms technique, but we finally got him. Not too happy. Refuses to speak or listen, but we hope once he realizes what we have to say is relatively important, I'm sure he'll calm down some. Blind folded him in case the Sharingan happened to activate (Don't worry- I stopped Sai from doing anything too unnecessary). It's too dangerous to bring him into the village, but I think if you can get Naruto somewhere close, it'll be just the same. We'll be back right on time for the festival. I'll keep in touch.
Nara.
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…"Death is like coming to the end of a long novel- you only regret it if the ride was enjoyable and left you wanting more," -Jerome P. Crabb…
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"This is… unbelievable," Naruto breathed.
Konoha had always been famous for its Spring and Sakura festivals, but seeing the life and purity of all that was before him blew all of those years of fame out of the water. People were everywhere- running around with balloons and spirit masks and sparklers- and it was just barely noon.
"And it's all for you," Tsunade whispered in a voice just as thick as Naruto's- hell, her son.
They were seated in the Hokage's office in chairs, facing out of the broad window down below. It was all so colorful- the Hyuuga can had been creating something: a gigantic, chakra-string powered Kyuubi costume, styled after the Chinese Lion Dance. Children were darting around it, playing with its swaying tails- laughing. It was amazing that such a thing was so easily accepted.
Naruto pulled the blanket on his lap around his shoulders and pulled it tighter on himself. It was cold in these last months of the year, and having lost so much weight did not help him at all.
True to Sakura and Ino's words, the decorations and attributions were all there.
"I'm speechless,"
"They love you,"
Naruto nodded, feeling his throat close up at the effort not to cry. He had cried too much already.
There was a knock at the door and Shizune came in, carrying a platter of tea cups and pain pills- per Naruto's request- and set it at Tsunade's desk before joining them. They sat- and stood- in silence, mentor and students, and always family.
"Good morning guys!" Sakura rushed in with Ino. The pink haired girl held a message in her hand that she swiftly tucked away, "Are you ready, Naruto?"
The blonde looked at her curiously, taking the pills that she swiped up and handed to him.
"Ready?"
Ino graciously held out her hand and helped him get to his feet. He thought his knees might break with the weight.
"We're taking you for a walk,"
Sakura grabbed Naruto's other frail-turned arm and the two held him up efficiently.
"Where to?"
"Oh-" Tsunade drawled and a black veil fell over Naruto's eyes that he instantly recognized as the blindfold Ino used when giving him food quizzes, "You know how surprises work,"
His world blanketed in darkness, he could only let the women lead him through the Hokage tower, past the excited villagers, and beyond. He was tired, freezing, and, despite the cold, sweaty- the pale blue kimono Hinata had picked out for him could only keep him so warm.
Naruto was wheezing by the time they reached the base of the mountain. Giving him a brief warning, Tsunade swept him up and took him to the very top, stopping at the tip of her own carved head. The blonde could hear whispering above his chattering teeth.
"Really Tsunade, was all of this necessary?" he asked as he was shakily placed back on his feet, "I can hardly breathe,"
Sakura nodded with a smile to Shikamaru, who held one side of a subdued, bound, and blindfolded Uchiha.
"Is that-"
Neji clapped a hand over Sasuke's mouth and Kiba hissed "Shut it, you!" under his breath. Sasuke scowled. He was not happy. How the hell did a group of mediocre shinobi get the better of him anyway? And what was all of this about Naruto wanting to see him one last time? One last time before what?
Slowly, Sai reached behind Sasuke's head and untied the tight knot keeping the headband over his eyes (marked with Leaf's symbol just for the irony). Sasuke glared, automatically whipping his head up to start some serious Sharingan torture.
He stared.
Naruto was standing- hunching- in front of him, his eyes covered and his lips parted. He looked small- so small and Sasuke was sure the kimono was hiding the true extent of the male's skinny figure. Not slim. Not lithe. Malnourished. Painful to see. He was still tan- but the hue somehow seemed greyer, as if washed out.
Something was… wrong.
Without realizing it, he moved forward, brows pulled together and the hands holding him slipped away.
Naruto waited in the silence, not sure what was happening. His eyes swiveled back and forth and tried to get a peek, but the fabric hindering his vision was heavy.
Then, he felt cold hands, chilled from the crisp wind billowing about, press against his cheeks. His heart beat faster. These hands…
"Sasuke?"
The Uchiha stepped closer, and frowned at the weakness in his tone.
"They…" Sasuke paused when the blonde jerked in surprise upon hearing his voice for the first time in months, "They told me you were sick,"
Naruto laughed, sounding tired. He reached up and tugged the blindfold down so that it loosely hung around his neck. Sasuke felt relieved that his eyes were still the same.
"Sick, huh?" the blonde asked, looking away. He took a deep breath, "I'm dying, Sasuke,"
"Very funny," he replied dryly. Naruto- dying? Hysterical. Was this a new way to try to get Sasuke to reunite with Leaf?
"Tsunade told me yesterday that I have maybe a few weeks left,"
"Hn,"
"My seal went funny and started dissolving my chakra. Pretty soon, I won't be able to keep up any more,"
Went funny- he said. Sasuke's frown deepened.
"It actually started turning my skin purple around the seal,"
He was talking to casually about it- and as Sasuke looked him over again, he saw that yes, he did appear to be seriously ill. But dying? And if so, that still didn't really explain what he was doing here.
But no- I don't care, he thought. These people have nothing to do with me anymore. It doesn't matter if they're dying.
"Well, anyways-" Naruto stated loudly (too loudly), "This is all I wanted and more, so you can go now,"
What?
The blonde reached out and Ino and Sakura were there instantly, holding his elbows, and Sasuke noticed the sheen of sweat on Naruto's forehead. It came to him just how fragile Naruto was.
"You have a fever. We kept you out here too long,"
"It's okay,"
Sasuke bit his cheeks. Don't say anything. Don't say any-
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Naruto looked over his shoulder at the Uchiha, confused.
"You. Dying and all. What did you want from me?"
"I…" he looked away, the lost volor flooding back to his face, and Sasuke was surprised at just how relieved the sight of the blood there made him feel, "Wanted to see you,"
The words were almost lost in the wind, and as Naruto quickly turned his neck straight ahead to hide his face, Sasuke felt himself want to smile. For the first time since he had killed Itachi, he wanted to smile.
Dying or not, Naruto was still the same dobe he had always been.
"It was nice seeing you again Sasuke. Goodbye,"
It occurred to Sasuke, that as Naruto disappeared with Ino and Sakura, the first snow had begun to fall.
.
…"Our dead are never dead to us until we have forgotten them," -George Eliot…
.
Naruto was not dying because it was not possible. Because Sasuke would not allow it to happen. Who else was he supposed to battle in order to get stronger? Naruto was the only one worthy- the only one strong enough- to get into a serious battle with.
So Sasuke decided to hang around a little while- and of course it had nothing to do with Naruto's teary smile when he opened his window to the curious scratching noises coming from outside. And of course he wasn't about to stay there permanently. Only until Naruto got better. And he would- Sasuke would have it no other way.
Staying with Naruto nearly twenty-four seven made the Uchiha realize just how bad the blonde was off.
He needed help getting out of bed in the afternoons- he was too weak to get up in the mornings-, and couldn't keep a bite of oatmeal in his stomach to save his life. He could hardly stay awake for more than nine hours straight. He needed someone to help him bathe (a bit embarrassing for him and the Uchiha at first, but fumbling around each other like twelve-year-olds got old pretty quickly).
Currently, the blonde was in his bad, looking across the dark room (lights had become too sensitive for his eyes) at his only companion (at the moment; Sakura and Gaara had obviously caught on that Sasuke was still lurking around).
"I'm really glad you're here Sasuke,"
The Uchiha didn't answer- almost pretending he hadn't heard at all. With how soft the blonde's voice had gotten these days, it wasn't exactly a difficult thing to do anyways.
"Sakura is nice, but I think I've always preferred your company," he went on.
Sasuke snorted.
"It wasn't me you were telling your undying love to," he stated dryly, then added mockingly, "'Come on Sakura, let's go on a date!',"
"I don't sound like that," Naruto whined.
The Uchiha smirked and muttered under his breath "You used to".
Naruto laughed, trailed off into a coughing fit, and reached blindly through watering eyes for a trashcan (incase he coughed up another wad of blood). Sasuke was there before he even realized his body had moved- a sense of déjà vu coming over him as he was reminded of the time he had taken a hundred little needles for the blonde- holding the trashcan for him and running cool hands over his clammy back and messy hair.
"Sasuke," the boy whimpered- now, seeming so little like the man he had been growing to be- weak, small- "Sasuke, I try so hard to be strong, but it hurts,"
The Uchiha felt panic rise in his throat like bile.
"It hurts. And I'm scared because I'm dying- and it would be so much better if it was quick, but it isn't and I'm rotting from the inside out and- and I-"
He was choking on his words as he heaved and shook with sobs. Sasuke felt his body spasm in his indecisiveness- should he get more pain killers for him since it hurt? Or should he stay here? (Because something was telling him that he should not leave Naruto's side).
Placing the trashcan on the floor next to them, Sasuke pulled the thick, heavy blanket back and slid in next to the simpering blonde. Slowly, as he hadn't initiated physical contact (on an intimate level, at least; fighting was different) in years, Sasuke tugged the blanket back up, pulled Naruto to his chest, and pressed their torsos together. He held him, realizing he was probably doing something he would never do in any other circumstance, but the fact that it was Naruto somehow made it all right.
"I love you," he cried desperately, in a voice that was too weak, too tortured that Sasuke could hardly bare to listen, "I know- it's ridiculous, but I do. I love you, and I always thought I'd be able to knock some sense into you and drag you back and have you in my life, but it's too late, because I'm like this. And there's no saving me,"
The Uchiha was speechless, and just watched Naruto burry his face against his neck. He felt the hot tears wetting the skin there and felt his fists clutching at his shirt.
"Please- I don't care what you think. Please, just stay with me until-" he lost his nerve and shuddered, and in a tiny voice that sounded a hundred miles away, "the end,"
Again, his body acting of its own accord, Sasuke pulled Naruto's face level with his and kissed him. It was filled with sorrow- and maybe iron, Sasuke added, thinking he might taste the blood Naruto had been so frequently coughing up.
Naruto pulled away, disgusted with himself- he wasn't exactly in shape- he was practically blue with decay and veiny and felt ugly. Sasuke saw this and had no patience for it. He rolled his eyes and shoved a knee between Naruto's thighs and earned a gasp.
"But I'm-"
"I'm not perfect either. Now, shut up and let us enjoy ourselves,"
Naruto didn't have the strength to put up much resistance.
"Promise me you'll stay," he whispered.
Sasuke couldn't have said no anyway.
.
…"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality," -Emily Dickinson…
.
It was impossible to ignore that the end was coming.
He stopped eating and only seemed to take any sort of sustenance through an IV drip. He was awake for only a quarter of an hour at a time maybe twice a day. He was pale. His breathing was labored; his slumbering was restless. And Sasuke thought that witnessing would make him go insane. He had days when he just wanted to sneak out of Naruto's window and go far, far, far away where only his own death was a concern. But then, he remembers that incredible feeling of complete elation at being there when Naruto is awake for those fleeting moments.
It didn't even matter that Sakura had walked in with him still there. And why should it? Naruto was slipping away from him just as much as he was from Sakura.
The blonde probably couldn't even distinguish his dreams from reality anymore, but sometimes- sometimes, when the Uchiha squeezed the blonde's hand just so or held his frighteningly frail body against his, he thought he could hear a bit of his name slipping past Naruto's chapped, purple-bruised lips.
Sasuke ran his fingers through blonde hair- regrettably, it was thinning, falling out, and loosing it's color- and Sasuke began wonder how he became so damn caring.
"This is your fault," he whispered against Naruto's forehead, "It's always you,"
The blonde beside him let out a little gargled noise deep in his throat, and Sasuke, concerned (too much so, he thought), propped himself up on his elbow to examine the sleeping blonde. They had hooked up a heart monitor and oxygen machine a few days before, and he listened to the clicking and breathing of the machines, comforted- and somewhat disturbed- by their presence. Another gargled, noice and a beep of his heart caught and sputtered.
Sasuke held his breath. Watched. Tried not to listen anymore because now the machines were cruel, cruel creations.
Naruto's eyes shot open, the skipping and radical rhythm of his heart continuing. Sasuke hoped he was waking up, but the blonde's eyes were a cloudy, glazed blue that stared up into nothingness, searching and unable to find. His thin arms reached towards the ceiling, the sound of a scream filled the air; and though both Sasuke and Naruto's mouths were gaping, the shriek seemed to come from a different source. The Kyuubi, he realized distantly.
The thudding of Naruto's heart slowed, Sasuke thought everything might return to normal, but the beeps on the monitor grew shorter, the silences in between them stretching. With wide eyes, Sasuke stared. The green squiggle representing the blonde's heart flat lined.
The Uchiha slowly, achingly looking back at Naruto, realizing he had missed it- had missed the finally moment. At the moment he was glad for it.
Sasuke had seen d- and god, he just couldn't say it- bodies before, but Naruto looked so much more still. Too still to trick himself into believing he was only sleeping.
He's gone, Sasuke thought. Gone, and no one but me was even here to see it. Did Sakura and Tsunade even get to say goodbye?
"Shit," he croaked, crumbling into the mattress, Naruto's still warm body next to his. He felt his chest heave and his nose burn and his throat clog (ashamed that he hadn't cried this hard for his own brother).
"Shit," and nothing was enough- no tears he cried, no words he cursed- because nothing, nothing could make Naruto sit up with a grin, with shining blue eyes, and a stupid personality. Nothing could make him roll over, mischief on his tongue and mutter "Teme" in a voice with more allure than an insult should allow.
Sasuke lay there and cried- like a fucking baby. Like the night his ran after Itachi begging him why, why, why? And still- no different from that sniveling child, Sasuke wailed in his head- why, why, why.
There was no answer.
Sakura came in that next morning and seemed to instantly identify the cause for Sasuke to be sitting against Naruto's bed, head down, a low, dull groaning spilling from his mouth and echoing around the silent room. He had long since ripped the shrieking machines from their plug outlets.
They tried to move Naruto out of the room- to the morgue- ("The fucking morgue, can you believe it?") but either his menacing presence or the threat of Sharingan kept everyone at bay throughout the day.
"He needs time," Sakura whispered, "We all do. I can't even walk in there,"
Come night fall, Sasuke stood, legs screaming and creaking in protest. He looked around the room, looked at Naruto. But not Naruto. Because Naruto was too much of an existence to be taken by death, so Naruto simply didn't exist anymore. It was just a body- a shell of what used to be.
The Uchiha turned to the window, thought of how much time they had lost because of his need to attain revenge, thought of all of the memories that could have been- what he felt should have been, thought of all of the mornings and nights they could have lain in bed together, just being. Just living.
He vanished- forget the funeral- leaving everything behind.
Hope. Life. Future. Love.
What good were they now?
Naruto was dead.
I am dead.
End…
Thank you for reading. Please tell me what you think, whether it be praise or improvement.
Cannibal.