Something is dripping.
Dripping from the ceiling, covering the floors.
Dripping red all over the windows and the doors.
Sliding down and gathering in the words scratched into the walls.
(Did I say 'words'? There's just one word. One one word, repeated over and over and over and-)
I wonder how long those words were there? Seconds? It seems only seconds. Years, had I never noticed?
(No I would have noticed, I would have)
But why why why do they repeat? It's
Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless Hopeless
Hopeless Hopeless
I can't look at it any longer.
(It will burn my eyes and sear my tongue and take all my words and the air from my lungs and it will take my observations and my thoughts and oh oh my voice my my voice no, silence is torture when you cannot break it what will I be then?)
No matter. I wonder if John will be home soon?
I will wait.
When he is here I want him to understand to know to see oh John why is why is humanity not so human after all?
I will tell him of the atrocities in the night and the vile things in the light and he will smile, he will smile and he will say gently "That's what people do."
(No no no that's not right it's not right it's not why would John say that?)
Am I wrong? Am I wrong is humanity human why do they grieve it's been so long?
I will wait for John to come home and I will ask him. Oh but John is John is if anyone he is human if anyone is he is human.
Am I, John am I human?
Because no one thinks I am. Do you John, do you think I'm human?
I'm not I'm not John you know right?
But don't leave don't leave, the words in the walls will tell you John don't listen. Your truth can be my lie but we won't have to hear it.
I wonder what Lestrade would do if I asked him.
No no it's fine, I don't have to ask him but I can if I want, I can if I want to.
I can ask him if I want to know the answer.
And I wouldn't I don't want to know I don't want to ask I don't need him to answer but here he is and here I am, why is he here but I will ask.
"Lestrade Lestrade you know, how high I am and it's very high and still I don't think I would fly because I'm not an angel Lestrade I'm not you know I'm not you know I'm not human?"
He seems confused. I wonder what it was I said?
"Do keep up Lestrade."
He tells me as high as I am there's no more up to go.
Be sensible for once, Lestrade you know that now you know that now the only way to go is down. I hope I don't break I don't want to break too much I hope I hope I hope I'm not hopeless.
(The words in the walls tell me otherwise but I don't want Lestrade to know of them I don't want him to know I don't want anyone to know so I keep it inside.)
Hello John did you come in with Lestrade? I didn't see you but I remember you I remember you clearly you are John I hope you catch me before I break.
Don't look like that John I'm only being logical.
Is this logical John you don't look as if it's logical John are you well? You seem concerned about me are you concerned? Don't be don't be I will break but not forever.
John it's fine oh are you taking my pulse? I can feel it John, it's racing because John I'm hopeless the words in the walls tell me I am but I knew long before.
Oh Lestrade John you're picking me up why have I fallen yet and broken on the ground? Because John it didn't hurt as much as it did last time.
You have an odd look on your face John, did I say something odd? You look gentle John but I knew that John did you catch me? I momentarily wished to break but did you catch me before I fell?
That was good of you John.
That was good of you but I wouldn't have been irreparable. It would hurt John oh it would hurt but it wouldn't last forever. Didn't I tell you I wouldn't be broken forever? I would be cracked perhaps John, but being broken is tedious and I would like to get on with it.
John I want to ask but I don't and I have to but John am I human? They tell me I am not and I don't understand, why why would they I don't grieve? Because sometimes I think I don't and it's so hard to tell when the walls are bleeding and so are you, and John I'm so cold I have no warmth do they shout at you too? Do they shout at you when you are shattered on the ground?
Am I inhuman, John? They say that I have no right John, no right to feel, are their words true? Am I ice and frost and emptiness and cold eyes and silver tongue? You know you're not cold don't you John and you're the sun?
Why can't they see why can't they see why my mind is a frozen palace and it has no use for the warmth of sunlight. But it does John it does have a use for you.
John do you think if we had wings we could fly? Maybe you could John but my wings would be worn and damaged and I just don't think I want to jump only to fall.
Don't John, you just stepped in red now how will you get it out? Don't let it get on your hands John you have fine hands but I don't want to see red on them if it's because of me.
Don't bleed inside John because he will burn you. He will burn you from my heart and he will set you afire, he will brand you and brand me and he will sear our skin and steal our souls and we will all burn until there is nothing left of us.
How then will we be remembered as anything but ashes and the echoes of our screaming? The words in the walls will not give us life.
So if we run we will break and we will be cracked open. I wonder what they would find? Do you think numbers and lies will come pouring out of me? But John that is not all I am. Unless it is? Unless I am all that I am and all that I am is numbers and codes and those are already broken.
So don't run and we will not crack.
No John just don't if I'm falling don't let go can you hear me John? Have the words in the walls taken my voice? I don't want that John. Silence can hurt too oh it can hurt so so much.
John do you understand? Did the words in the walls take your voice as well? Don't worry John we can be voiceless together.
Lestrade why are you holding my hand? Oh are you also keeping me from falling? You don't have to breaking can be fine. I'm fine you know Lestrade if you let me break.
John you are telling me you won't let me break John I am I am John are you warm? You are warm John because you won't let me you just won't let me fall and John do you know how good you are?
I am saying your name John because you deserve to be said. Lestrade will you let me break? If you let me break you know you know Lestrade you can't you will still deserve to be said.
Oh Lestrade don't do that don't you are dripping red. You shouldn't let the red on you Lestrade do you know what it is? I don't I don't know do you know why?
Because I don't want to know. I don't want to know why red is dripping from the walls and making the words bloody so that they shout at me and I know why they are hopeless. They are because, John . . .
So am I.
We are breaking aren't we John? Are we fracturing and is it spreading very fast? Can we stop before it all cracks? No no I think not.
Can you breathe John? Can I? Is it terrible if we cannot tell?
I wonder if it's lonely to hit the ground on your own. After all shattering only by yourself is it sad? I don't remember except I do but John I am not about to tell you a story so do put away that look on your face. I don't care to burn. You know John I don't like it when I recall I cannot fly. I'll plummet and wish for wings.
But the sky will be bright and regret will be brief. The crash will not hurt for long, and then we can breathe, and the feathers on the ground will be a reminder that if we jump again, we'll lose more than that and the sky won't be as bright and the crash will be longer.
And if we cannot fall alone, then perhaps we can fall together.