Not Alone
Collins rolled onto his side. He did this every morning. Or tried to, at least. He loved watching him sleep just before he woke up. He looked so peaceful, and then the young drummer's eyelids fluttered open.
"Good morning Angelcake," Collins said softly.
"Hi," Angel moaned at the sunlight pouring through the window, "it's too early. The sun should wake up when I wake up."
"If I could do that for you, I would. I'd do anything for you, my Angel." Collins ran his fingers over the boy's jawline.
Angel smiled softly, "That was cheesy, don't you have to go to work honey?" Angel glanced at the clock, "It's getting late Collins."
"Now I know you aren't trying to get rid of me now, are you?" Collins said teasingly as he pulled himself on top of Angel. "Can I get a good morning kiss?"
"How could I say no to that face," Angel smiled, kissing Collins.
"What'cha doing today?" Collins asked.
"I actually have plans," Angel smirked. "I have a date today."
"A date?" Collins looked concerned, "do I know the guy?"
"You might," Angel smirked. "He's really cute, tall, he's a teacher." Collins smiled. Then Angel pushed him off the bed playfully. "Now go to work. Someone has to pay Roger and Mark's rent." Collins laughed before leaning in to kiss Angel once more. He lingered above his lips afterward, and Angel shoved him playfully. "Go, I love you" Angel said smiling. Then he rolled back over, attempting to sleep some more.
Angel sifted through her closet. "This outfit has to be perfect," he thought. Angel was going to visit Collins at work today, and take him out to lunch. He finally decided on a new white skirt she had made, and a pink knee length sweater over it. "Blonde or Brunette?" Angel asked himself, sitting in front of the bathroom mirror. "Brunette," he decided, pulling the short black bob wig onto his head. Once Angel was done putting makeup on, she heard a knock on the door. Slipping some black stilettoes on, she almost jumped to the door.
"Angel!" Mimi cried, "you look fabulous girl!"
Angel pulled the thin Latina into a warm embrace. "Thanks chica, but I'm surprising Collins at work today. I'm taking him to the Life for lunch, so I have to go soon."
Mimi set a duffel bag on the floor of the apartment. "Not just yet," she said. "So I was at work, you know, doing professional things," Angel nodded, even though she knew anything Mimi did at the Cat Scratch wasn't everyone else's idea of professional. Mimi continued, "when this elderly looking man just walked up to me. I assumed he wanted a lap dance, so I headed towards him. Then he pulled my wrist and led me to the bar. 'Wanna drink, sweetie?' and I was like, 'Sure.' And I don't know what happened, but he just kept talking to me, telling me his life story. His wife divorced him and took his two kids… ya da ya da ya da. And then he mentioned the clothing store he owned was foreclosing, and he had to get rid of all the merchandise. But he didn't just want to throw them away."
Angel gasped and pointed to the bag, "No way. Really? Are you serious?"
Mimi nodded, "Take a look. Decide what you want, and what fits, and we can sell the rest!" Mimi squealed.
Angel quickly unzipped it. Then the young drag queen screamed. The bag was full of sparkly and glitzy scarves, glamourous heels, shimmery tops, and skirts galore. Angel screamed, "Omigod Mimi! This is insane! AAAHHH! I might faint!" The joy lasted a full hour as they tried on everything, and got to work on altering what didn't fit.
"Angel, how do you manage to be good at everything?" Mimi asked as she accidentally stabbed her finger with the sewing needle. "I can't even sew- ow- two stiches without pricking myself."
Angel laughed. Mimi continued, "We should probably eat Angel. It's twelve and I'm starving! Wait," Mimi paused, "Weren't you gonna do something for lunch?"
"Oh my god Mimi! Collins' lunch date! I totally forgot!" Angel yelled at herself.
"Calm down Angel. Didn't you say it was a surprise? He won't even know you forgot," Mimi said, soothing her friend. "You can surprise him with one of your new outfits tonight," Mimi winked. "You could wear this one," she pointed to a slim fitting red dress, "or not."
Mimi burst into laughter. Angel shrieked, "Mimi, chica you don't understand. I told Collins I had a lunch date today with a cute guy! I was implying him, but now he'll think I actually went on a date with someone else!"
"Then what are you still doing here? Go! Go find him Angel! Explain yourself before he gets ideas!" Mimi shoved her friend out the door, handing Angel her purse.
Angel ran down the hallway as fast as her heels would let her. Then someone bumped into her. Angel looked up. "Roger?" she said. She could barely recognize him. He looked terrible, messy hair, with huge bags under his eyes. He was wearing way too much cologne. And to be honest, it smelled terrible. Traces of alcohol lingered on his breath, and he looked like he was about to fall over. "Oh my goodness, are you okay?" Angel held him up, leaning him on her arm. "Let's get you back to the loft."
"Mimi?" Roger slurred.
"No sugar, it's me, Angel. What happened to you?" Angel asked as she guided him down the stairs.
"I love you Mimi," Roger said drunkenly. "I really do."
Realizing Roger still thought she was Mimi, Angel just ignored his comments.
Then Roger forcefully pinned Angel against the wall, kissing her sloppily. "Eww! Roger get off of me!" Angel cringed. Roger was a lot heavier and stronger than her, making it hard for Angel to get out from under him. Roger crashed his lips into hers again and again, Angel screaming. How could no one hear her? But then again, Roger was her friend, and it was obvious he was drunk, she didn't want to get him into trouble. So she pushed him off and left him at the top of the stairs, running down to get Mark.
"Mark! Mark! Anyone open up!" Angel screamed, banging on their door.
Mark slid the loft door open, "What's wrong Angel? Oh my god, it's not… Is Collins…."
"No!" Angel shouted. "It's not Collins! It's Roger, he's at the top of the stairs, drunk, and I think he's been using again! I really have to go now, just thought I'd tell you," and with that Angel ran off towards the elevator. Her feet were killing her. Now she had to get to Collins, before he started assuming something.
"I thought you had lunch plans Professor."
"Yeah, so did I. You should go Stacy, I'm fine. I think I can survive one lunch hour alone. Don't keep Dr. Wood waiting," Collins said to his T.A. "I guess Angel has a thing for teachers," he thought to himself. "I can't believe she'd do this to me. But… there has to be an explanation, I mean, if she was cheating on me, why would she admit it? Maybe she's just late."
Stacy walked out of his office door, and touched shoulders with a young woman who was coming in. "Sorry sugar," Angel said running up to Collins. "Hi honey, I'm sorry I'm late," Angel leaned in for a kiss, and Collins delivered.
"You taste like alcohol my Angel, have you been drinking?" Collins asked suspiciously. Then he realized something. "Why do you smell like cologne?" he paused, "Roger's cologne." Collins backed away, rushing to conclusions.
"It's not what it looks like Collins," Angel started to explain.
"Oh I think it is. Angel what did you do?" he shook her. "Answer me!" he shouted. He'd never been this mad at anyone. If not her, Roger. He was one of his best friends, why would he steal Angel, the one good thing Collins had?
"Collins baby, Roger was drunk, I was just helping him-"
"Helping him with what?! His self- esteem! Angel get out of here now! I'm going to kill Roger! Get out Angel! I said to get out!" Collins was steaming.
"Collins I didn't-" Angel started. "You have to believe me! I would never-"
"Fine. If you won't leave, I will," Collins marched out the door.
"No! Collins please don't leave me-" Angel muttered before sobbing into her hand. "Oh my god, no. This can't be happening, not again." Now she was full on crying.
Collins opened the loft door to find Mark, as usual fiddling with his camera. "Mark? Do you mind if I stay here tonight?" Collins asked pointing towards the couch.
"Of course you can, what happened to Angel?" Mark set his camera down on his lap.
"Nothing... is Roger here?" Collins asked.
"He's in the bathroom, super drunk. He must have been at a bar. He and Mimi had a fight earlier," Mark smiled. "You have any idea what it was about? Roger's too drunk to tell me."
"Oh I think I know," Collins muttered.
"Huh?"
"Nothing," Collins sighed.
Just then Mimi came running in. "Guys! Have you seen Angel? Last time I saw her she was going to see Collins," Mimi paused, seeing him on the couch. "What did you do to her?! Where is she?!"
"I have no idea, and really, I don't care. You shouldn't either, after what she and Roger did," Collins yelled.
"Her and Roger?" Mark questioned. "Roger was drunk at the bottom of the stairs, Angel was helping him get up." Collins looked confused.
Just then, a little-less drunk Roger stumbled out of the bathroom. "Mimi?" he said, pointing toward her.
"Yeah I'm Mimi, hi babe," Mimi smiled.
"Nooo…" Roger groaned.
"What?" Mimi asked.
"I kissed Angel," he muttered, hitting his head.
"WHAT?!" the group shouted.
"I… I thought she was Mimi, then she slapped me…. That's all I remember…" Roger said looking up at Mimi, "I'm sorry, I didn't know… I'm so confused."
"Oh no," Collins thought. "I have to go find her guys!" Collins yelled as he hurried out the front door.
"Collins will find me…. Collins will find me…. He has to find me…. Collins loves me…. But what if he doesn't anymore….. He does…. But what if he doesn't," a million thoughts ran through Angel's head. She was lying behind a dumpster, where a gang had thrown her after mugging and beating her badly.
"Fag!" they had called her.
"You're a freak!" another one had shouted.
"No one will ever love you!" another screamed as they ran a blade through her arm. She had screamed in pain and told them she had AIDS, she had to warn them, she was too kind to give her curse to anyone. No one deserved it. Not even them. But they didn't listen. "Whatever! We're not listening to your lies! I bet you think you can save yourself like that, but we're not falling for it!" they shouted angrily. Then they left her, beaten and broken behind a dumpster.
"ANGEL! ANGEL! ANGEL WHERE ARE YOU? AANNNGGEEL!" a voice called out into the night.
"Collins…." Angel murmured. She didn't have any strength left to shout, let alone move. "I'm here…" she whispered into the night. "I love you…." and with that, she slowly fell into unconsciousness.
"Omigod, Angel," Mark said. The filmmaker had run down the alleyway chasing a camera lens that was trying to roll away. "COLLINS! ROGER! MAUREEN! ANYONE HELP! CCOOOLLLLINNNS!" he cried. He hated this. He couldn't touch Angel, or lift her up, or even feel for a pulse. She was covered in blood, HIV positive blood.
Roger came running down the alley. "Mark? Oh no…. Oh god not again…" Roger cursed himself for letting this happen as he scooped Angel into his arms. "We need help. Where's Collins?" Roger wasn't as terror-stricken as Mark was.
"H-how am I supposed to know?" Mark snapped before sniffling back his tears. "Oh Angel, not again…. Oh god…." Mark started crying.
"Mark! Pull yourself together man! She isn't dead yet! But she could be if you don't go find help!" Roger shouted, Angel still resting in his arms.
Mark ran outside to the telephone booth. He searched through his pockets, he only had one nickel, one call. "Collins…. Pick up please pick up…."
"Hello?"
"Collins? It's Mark…."
"Did you find her?" Collins asked with worry.
"You're not gonna like this. Call 911 for me Collins, I only had one nickel."
"No…. What the hell man?! Oh god…" Collins seemed to have dropped the phone.
"Collins! We need you! Angel needs you! She needs you Collins!" Mark screeched.
But Collins had already left his apartment. He grabbed a coat, dialed 911 and ran out the door. "This can't be happening…" he thought. "Please God, if you're there, please save her. Please. You have no idea how much I need her. Please."
He spotted Mark waving his hands franticly. "Collins! Over here! Oh my god Collins hurry! She's losing so much blood…. So much…" Mark was hyperventilating.
Collins ran past Mark and into the dark alley. There, he saw Angel, his Angel, limp in Roger's arms. "The ambulance is coming," Collins told Roger.
Angel stirred, "Collins…" she murmured. Roger carefully placed Angel into Collins' arms. She curled up against him with any strength she had left. Somehow she found comfort in his arms.
"I got you Angel, I got you…. Hold on… please hold on for me… Please don't leave me… I need you… I love you so much… I'm-"
Angel shushed him, "It's okay, I know…" she muttered.
Collins looked into her deep eyes. Eyes that used to be filled with such light and joy. Something was different now, something had been taken from her. There was a new hue in them, a spark of fear. But she knew she was safe with Collins, her Collins.
The ambulance came, taking Angel and Collins in it. Roger, Mimi, Maureen, Joanne, and Mark drove behind in a car.
When they got to the hospital, the bohemians were surprised to see Benny sitting in the waiting room. "I hope you don't mind guys," Joanne said, "I called him. We all know we can't afford this, and Benny might be able to help."
"It's the least I can do," Benny said.
"Whatever, it's too late to fight. I just hope she's okay," Roger sighed.
"I think we should be more worried about Collins guys," Maureen pointed at Collins sitting with his face in his hands. His breath was heavy, but he didn't look sad, just scared.
"You okay buddy?" Mark patted his back.
"NO! NO I AM NOT OKAY MARK! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE COULD BE IN THERE DYING RIGHT NOW AND THEY WONT EVEN LET ME IN!" Collins broke down into smothered tears. "What if she dies, and the last thing we did was fight… I… just can't anymore… oh god."
They all sat in silence for a while, until Mimi spoke up. "Collins, she loved you. Trust me. She loved you with all her heart. You're all she ever talked about, trust me."
Collins just buried his face in his hands. Then a nurse came up to them, "Anyone here for a Mr. Shunard?"
Collins lifted his face up, tear stained. "Is she okay?"
"Sir, are you Collins?"
"Yes, why? Oh god… did she-" Collins couldn't bear to say it.
"No sir, she is fine. She asked for you, come with me," the nurse said motioning to follow her.
Walking down the hospital hallway, Collins remembered something. "Oh! I didn't say anything before, but she has AIDS, I'm not sure if she took her AZT yet today but-"
The nurse cut Collins off. "Yeah, she told us and she took it. I appreciate your concern, are you her… uh?"
"Boyfriend," Collins finished.
"Okay, here we are sir." She stopped in front of a door. "I should warn you, she doesn't look-"
But Collins didn't let her finish, he opened the door, he needed to see his Angel. There were tubes all over her, needles poking into her body. She was attached to a monitor, her heart rate was slow but steady. He walked up to her bed, assuming she was unconscious. He ran his hand over her hair.
"Hi Angelcake," he whispered in her ear. "I love you, I'm here."
"Collins…" she stirred.
"Shhh…" he said. "It's okay honey, you're going to be okay. Trust me," he said, grabbing her hand.
She relaxed, and her breathing slowed as she fell asleep. He sat back into a chair by her bed. Just then the same nurse walked in. "Hey, so she's doing great. She lost a lot of blood, do you know how long she had been lying there?"
Collins scratched his head, "I have no idea. It was probably from around 1 o'clock, and Mark found her at 4 ish."
"Okay, so she's obviously gonna be a little weak for a few days while her body heals. So nothing extremely active, no running, lots of rest. And," she paused smirking, "no heels for a while."
Collins smiled, Angel would have liked this nurse. She continued, "So, can I trust you to watch her? She's obviously going to hate feeling useless, but it's critical that she takes it easy."
"Yeah," Collins answered, "I'll watch her." He looked down lovingly at Angel. "I'm never going to let her out of my sight again."
"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse said smiling. "You guys are so cute together."
"Thanks," Collins replied, watching the nurse walk out. He pressed his head to her hand. "I will never let you go again, I'm so sorry, god I'm so sorry Angel… I didn't want to hurt you… I love you so much… thank you, thank you so much for loving me," he said to her, even though he knew she couldn't hear her.
"I hate this thing," Angel grumbled. Collins was pushing him to the car in a wheelchair.
Collins smiled, "I'm just happy you're alive."
"Me too baby," Angel leaned up towards him. "Kiss?"
"One thousand," Collins responded kissing him.
"That was cheesy," Angel said, scrunching up his nose.
Collins laughed. They had reached their apartment. "Now how are we going to get you up the stairs?"
"I can walk fine," Angel stated, standing up.
"If you say so," Collins said. But after two steps, Angel was wobbling. So Collins picked him up and carried him up the steps. He had gotten so light, Collins was worried. He told himself it was the blood loss, but deep down he knew his Angel was dying. He only had so many days left with him, and he was going to treasure every one. He carefully changed him into his pajamas, the pink heart ones. Then he set him down into the bed before changing himself. Then he crawled in with him and just held him.
He soon heard him whimpering. "What's wrong Angelcake?" Collins asked.
"I just… I never… how will I live without you?" Angel was crying softly now.
"Shhh… my Angel, you'll never have to live without me. I promise," Collins said, running his hand over his short curly hair.
"You promise?" Angel asked like a child, burying his face in his chest.
"I promise, cross my heart," Collins replied, linked his hand in with Angel's small delicate fingers.
He just listened to Angel's labored breath, until it became steady and soft. "Sleep tight, my Angel," he whispered.