When one drinks it's for the most part to forget the things that are slowly eating away at what remains of the sanity of your mind. But most people don't realize that the very action doesn't help much. No. Not that overused line of, 'drinking won't change anything. It won't make things better.'
But the very fact that you ARE trying to forget, and it's hard to forget when you choose to drink alone. Sitting alone in a darkened room, drowning your sorrows. But drinking alone only gives you more time to think about the very things that are ever so fervently trying to destroy you.
Roy Mustang knew this all too well. And yet he continued to pull out a bottle of whiskey or scotch and sit in his darkened apartment. The only light in the room emanating from the window he sat staring in front of.
Sure, he could always go out to a bar and slowly die as the foul liquid slowly devoured his body. And more than a few times he had. But his foster mother had put an end to that. Using her considerable influence to 'persuade' the owners of the other bars in town to refuse him service...damn her.
So now he had grown accustomed to heading out to some run down sleazy liquor store to buy a bottle of numbing substance.
But on a night like this...one wasn't going to cut it. He came home with three bottles this time. Sure, he knew damn well he couldn't drink them all. His liver would finally kick the bucket if he did. And normally...he wouldn't mind it if that one extra shot of amber liquid finally snuffed his life out. For years he had been trying to find some reason to force himself to continue his painful existence. And he could only really find one...the one thing he couldn't have to begin with...but it had kept him going. Even as the horrors of Ishval replayed through his head every night.
...but now...it hit him hard again. He was surprised he hadn't started already early that morning as he laid out his dress uniform. Pulling out the dark sash he thought he'd never had to use...while staring at the picture of he and his best friend...the friend he was about to watch get lowered below the ground.
He hadn't started drinking at that point...but he had a flask in his inside pocket in case. And if it wouldn't have been very inappropriate to do so...he would have cracked it out right there at Hughes' funeral.
But he had somehow managed to survive most the day. Even long enough to dig around and find some information that could possibly lead him to the bastard that murdered Hughes.
...but the second Hawkeye had left his side...he headed off to that same sleazy liquor store, nursing the flask along the way, and bought the bottles.
It had become one of those days where he wouldn't have given a shit if he succumbed to alcohol poisoning...but he knew he couldn't. He had to find Hughes' murderer first. Then he could send himself to the great beyond if he still so wished it.
But here he sat in his usual spot in front of the window, the light blue hue of the moonlight engulfing the room and one bottle gone...and finding himself wishing he wasn't so utterly alone.
He looked over at the clock on the wall. "...three in the morning...she'll shoot me in the head..."
After a few moments mulling it over, he shrugged and got up, grabbing his coat and one of the bottles and stumbled out his door.
He slipped the bottle into his inside pocket before making his way down the dark street, droplets of cool rain starting to fall.
"...heh...told you it would rain..." He mumbled to himself as he tried to traverse the darkened streets in his drunken stupor.
More than a few times he had taken a wrong turn and even, to great fright to the poor old woman, knocked on the wrong door. Needless to say... it is not easy running from an angry old woman waving her cane at you when you're drunk off your ass.
After a few hard placed thwacks of a cane and stumbling over numerous trash cans...Roy finally reached his destination.
After repeatedly checking this was indeed Riza's home, he made his way inside and found her apartment door. (again reading her name several times through his blurry vision to be sure it was hers.)
Taking a breath, and preparing for more blows as she would kill him for visiting this late...or this early...whichever, he knocked.
He ended up knocking several times before a very tired...and very pissed looking Riza, answered the door.
He grinned...and she glared. The cold stare seeping any confidence from him and causing the grin to slip from his face.
"...it's early sir...what are you doing here?"
He opened his coat up and pulled the bottle out, dangling it between them.
"...sir...we BOTH have to work in the morning...and you already look quite wasted. I think maybe I should just drive you home and let you sleep it off."
"...I don't want to go home...think too much."
"If you were thinking at all you wouldn't be drunk right now." She slapped her hand over mouth as soon as the words slipped out, remembering again that he was still her superior officer. No matter how much of a mess he was.
He just waved a hand dismissively and slipped passed her, disregarding any sort of protest she may have. He just waltzed straight to the kitchen like he owned the place. He switched the kitchen light on and after trying just about every cupboard door, found the glasses and pulled two down.
Riza walked over, arms crossed over her chest and looking more pissed off than before. Along with feeling more than a little vulnerable in just her silky laced knee height bed gown.
"Sir...I said no. If you don't want me to drive you home than I at least insist you walk yourself home. This is very unprofessional."
"Is that all anything is to you? Professionalism? Everything having to go by the damn book? For gods sake Hawkeye, let your hair down a bit." He poured a glass and slid it over to her, ignoring the puzzled look on her face.
She let out an irritated sigh and took the glass in spite of herself.
Roy grinned a bit. "Good girl."
She quirked a brow at him, glass halfway to her lips. "Excuse me?"
"...sorry. Drunk." He averted his eyes for a moment before taking a seat at the table. Reluctantly, Riza did the same, taking a seat across from him and accepting she probably wouldn't sleep much more tonight.
She took a tiny sip from the glass, eying him over the rim of it before speaking again. "Guess it's not hard to see what brought this on tonight..." She said with a solemn laced voice.
It was Roy's turn to stop with glass halfway to his mouth now. He only looked at her for a moment before continuing the action and downing the dark liquid rather quickly, slamming the glass on the table.
That was all the answer she really needed.
For the longest time both sat in silence. She still nursed the first glass he had given her while he had already downed half the bottle.
Realizing at this moment he probably already polished off a full bottle before coming over, Riza set a hand on his wrist; stopping him from pouring another. She decided at this moment that being professional really wouldn't do and with a quiet voice and soft gaze she spoke.
"Roy...please stop. You're going to kill yourself."
The words were so...personable...so distinctly care ridden and lacking that matter of fact attitude that Roy was momentarily struck dumb. At many points in their time together he had seen moments where worry had flashed in her eyes. But the instances were so brief that he wasn't even sure he had seen right. And even some of her actions as of late were a bit questionable. She had become more bold when reprimanding him. Hell, reprimanding him to begin with was a rather bold move in itself. But then again, despite their being subordinate and superior officer...he never really treated her as such. And most the time he only did it to humor her because she was so hell bent on professionalism.
Yet now here she was, being so to the point that his drunken mind couldn't think of a damn thing to say in response.
Realizing she had him in a position where she could take control of things, she again continued. "I'm assuming you already finished one of these before coming over correct?"
Slowly he nodded. His voice still absent.
She shook her head sadly, the years of this finally showing it's wear on her. At that moment she looked far older than she was and a good portion of it was his fault.
She looked into his dark eyes, hand still rested atop his wrist. "...we all miss Maes, Roy...but this isn't the way to handle it. You know damn well if he could he'd club you for this right now. He doesn't want his memory to be the cause of this...and he sure as hell doesn't want you putting yourself six feet under this early on either..." Her breath hitched a bit at the last bit of that sentence, proving to Roy just how much his own death would affect her. But he could still feel his own greed just beneath the surface. He in no way wanted to hurt her, but the pain in himself was welling up so much that he just couldn't handle it anymore. As much as he wanted to stay for her...stay to find the the asshole that stole away Hughes' life...he just couldn't find the strength anymore.
He lifted his free hand, running it over his face in a sad attempt at trying to clear his thoughts. He let it rest on his chin, letting his eyes fall to the table. "...Riza? Has there ever been a point in your life...where you just didn't see anything stretched out before you? Where you just...saw no future?"
Her eyes too lowered to the table at that moment, not being able to look at the immense sadness that suddenly fell over his eyes. "...no. I can't say I have. I have...wondered where the path might lead one day...have even gotten more than a little lost...but the point of paths is there's a multitude of them...if ones not working you can always turn down another. Getting lost is fine...giving up isn't."
"But what the hell do you do when you hit a dead end and there's no other paths to divert to huh? Tell me what then...tell me why the hell I should keep moving forward!"
Her eyes darted back to his again, a slight gleam to them as she was obviously trying to fight tears. "Because you made promises that's why! You have things to fix here! And you have people that care about you...yes, I may be sounding greedy here. But it's not like you aren't yourself. You don't seem to understand that you'll be taking people down with you if you choose that course..."
"...I don't know what else to do..." He said quietly, turning a longing eye to the bottle again.
"...you do that...and you're on your own. I've spent years quietly watching you destroy yourself Roy...I can't keep doing it. You weren't the only one in Ishval you know. You weren't the only one who killed. And you weren't the only one who was friends with Maes...there's nothing wrong with asking for help you know..."
Roy just shook his head, pulling his other hand from hers and grabbing the bottle. "You were in Ishval yes. But you didn't see everything. You stared down the sights of your rifle at armed militants. People you knew were fighting. I was sent to just systematically blow up every damn city block I went down. Do you have any idea how many children I've Killed Riza? Do you!?" He moved to pour himself another glass, his hand shaking uncontrollably. "The youngest...by my best guess, was only three. I held him in my arms...his flesh so burned he couldn't even feel the pain anymore because all his nerve endings were gone. He was...hot to the touch...his flesh still cooking while I held him in my arms! I nearly retched at the smell...and he...he died in my arms...still managing a smile...I don't even think he knew I was the one who killed him..." He downed the drink quickly, already reaching for the bottle again. This time Riza was quicker. She got to her feet and rounded the table, snatching the bottle just before his hand fell on it.
He gave her an irritated look which she of course ignored, walking over to the sink and emptying the bottle down the drain.
"Hey!" Roy shouted, jumping to his feet.
"No!" She yelled back as she rounded on him. "Yes, that is a horrible thing you have to live with for the rest of your life. And yes...I wish you never had to go through that...nothing can ever justify it. But you are not a murderer. You weren't like...those other soldiers who grinned or laughed as they gunned those poor people down. We have all regretted every day the things we did there. The things we deserve to hang for. And one day...we might still...but we all in the meantime have to live with what we did. And the only way we truly can is by being there for each other...it's the only way most of us have made it this far."
"I made it this far with promises to a now dead friend that I'd make it to the top. And there's a good chance he's dead because of that ambition. I've caused more harm than good and you lot are better off without me."
He turned swiftly on his heel at that point and made his way for the door. Riza wasn't far behind, grabbing his arm before he left the small sitting room. "You can't keep running away from this Roy. That bottle won't help you. It will only end you and end any possibility of you finding out who killed Hughes. Don't turn your back on this now."
"Let go Riza." Roy said with a low growl in his voice.
"...no."
His drunken mind was acting before his rational one at this point as he turned and grabbed hold of her with his other arm, pushing her up against the wall and holding her there. He said nothing and did nothing. He just stood there with narrowed eyes and glared at her, his hand pressed firmly to her shoulder.
She winced slightly and it was only at this point he realized he was hurting her. "...what the hell am I becoming...?" He let her go and stumbled backwards, clipping the end of the couch and flopping unceremoniously down on it. He made no attempt to right himself and instead covered his face with his hand.
It took Riza a few moments to come around. She was still in the same spot against the wall staring at him, her eyes slightly wide and holding her now sore shoulder. She made no attempt to move at first, being afraid of the man for the first time in her life. But she knew that hadn't been him. It was the alcohol and the demons trapped in him. And he would get no better if she didn't keep trying.
Taking a shaky breath, she stepped towards him, standing at the side of the couch. For the longest time neither did anything. Both still disturbed by the moment.
But at last, she kneeled slowly, reaching a hand out and touching his shoulder lightly. "...you can't go on like this Roy. You need help..."
He parted his fingers a bit so he could look through them at her. Right now he could care less if he needed help or not. "Did I hurt you...?"
"...I'll be alright."
"That shouldn't have happened...I am so sorry..."
"Well...lets just make sure it doesn't happen again. You can drink if you want Roy, can't really stop you. But you can't get to this point anymore. You've seen now just what it can do to you..."
Slowly Roy sat up, letting his hand slip from his face. "Hughes' death...was just the last straw. I'm not that strong Riza."
Letting out a little sigh, she moved to take a seat next to him. She fumbled with the words going through her mind before just slipping an arm about his shoulders. "You can beat this Roy...we'll help you."
He only nodded slowly, letting his head fall on her shoulder. By this point he was just so mentally exhausted. And he was at the point where the alcohol was working less and less and he was in a down swing. "I really don't know what I'd do without you Riza. I wouldn't be half as organized if you weren't around..."
"...half as organized? You're not organized at all Roy." She said with a slight chuckle.
This drew out a low one from him as well. Sitting here, allowing for her words to sink in instead of dismissing them as he had done most the night, was actually helping him. He could almost feel the weight on his shoulders slowly ebbing away and a new vigor replacing it. He did have a lot of work to do. Promises to see through, people to live for.
"...you know Riza...you're pretty good at talking people down. Didn't know you had that in you."
She smiled slightly. "Well after so many years babysitting you, I got experience."
"You've never talked like this before.."
"I repressed it..."
"Looks like we both need some work..."
A slight smile played on her lips. "Seems so. I won't deny it."
He tilted his head up slightly, trying to get some sort of view of her but only managing a substantial view of her chin.
She glanced down at him momentarily before moving her head slightly so she was looking down at him and giving him a better view in the process.
"...you are damn beautiful you know that?"
She tried her best to quell her eye roll. She had assumed at some point he might try this as drunk as he was, but she had thought it would have been much earlier on. But given his current psychological state when he first got there, she could see why he hadn't right off.
But now that that seemed to be passing, the usual drunk Roy showed through. Part of her just wanted to shove him off of the couch right then and there and almost hope he'd hit the coffee table on the way down.
Wow...that was a violent thought.
Instead she just shook her head as best she could without whacking him with her chin. "As flattering as that is sir, I think it's time you got home to sleep this off."
"...you're doing it again..."
"...sir?"
"That. You're calling me sir again. We're not at work you know..."
"...if we get too comfortable we might carry it over to work and that's not permissible."
A sad look played over his features now. Sad and almost...pouting. He was at that stage where she felt no more pity for him anymore. She just wanted to slap him cause she knew some form of dirty thought was going through his mind. She could never tell if that part of him was an act like all the women's names were. Or at least she thought they were. Part of her wondered if he really had known all of them at some point in his life. It made her want to smack him more.
She blinked a couple times. Was this really happening right now? Was she...jealous? All the depression she faced this night, nearly watching Roy kill himself in front of her. Watching him become something that she was actually afraid of...all that...and now she was feeling...jealous? After all that there is no logical reason she should be feeling this way. It was inappropriate for the situation.
But then again...maybe it was the situation that did it. She'd never seen him so vulnerable before. Well, not since Ishval anyway. Any other time she did see him drunk he was acting like a five year old dancing on the bar and twirling his uniform top around over his head.
Had his current state just...brought this side out in her? Yeah, she couldn't deny she fell for him. Though how she really didn't know. He was so infuriating at times and she still wasn't quite sure he wasn't a womanizer. The thought of the possibility of him actually sleeping with all those girls that he used the names of for his codes...
Her face grew redder and redder from actual pure anger.
While below her gaze, still looking up at her, Roy was in a state of complete loss while she went through her internal monolog. "...Riza...?"
Her gaze shot down at him again, angry and cold. He swallowed hard, not quite sure what he had done this time. He hadn't even been saying anything this whole time.
Her gaze slowly softened after a moment. Regardless of her inner turmoil, this wasn't the time for it. Roy was in real trouble and he needed her right now. Besides, what he did with that part of his personal life was none of her concern.
She took a deep breath before speaking again. "...thinking about it...you really shouldn't be alone like this right now. You might just crack open that other bottle I'm sure you have at your place. Why don't you stay here tonight si...Roy? I think you could use the company anyway..."
Roy in no way complained. He welcomed the gesture with a slight nod. After all she had done for him tonight, he couldn't possibly think of continuing down his destructive path.
"I'll get you some bedding." She said after a long pause, moving to get up. But Roy stopped her, taking a gentle grip of her wrist this time.
"Please...just stay like this a little bit longer? It's helping."
Every inch of her professional mind screamed at her to decline. But every part of her being...told her to stay. So she just nodded slightly and leaned back against the headrest of the couch, taking Roy with her who had yet to extricate himself from her shoulder.
They sat quietly like that for quite sometime, neither saying anything. The only sounds being the ticking of the clock in the other room. In all of that time neither nodded off, both still going over things in their minds.
And with all that time to think...Riza found she couldn't hold the question off any longer, no matter how much she wanted to.
"Roy? Can I ask you something?"
"...sure. What is it?"
"...all those women...the code names...are they real?"
"...somewhere in the world...yeah. But I assume you're asking if I had flings with any of them? Well, answers no. Believe it or not I was raised better than that. I just got the idea from...well...some of the women that hang around my foster mothers bar." He said, diverting his eyes to the side a bit. He knew if he wasn't careful in this conversation he stood a good chance of getting VERY hurt.
Riza only nodded slightly, satisfied with his answer. If there's one thing in the world she knew, it was that this man would never lie to her.
The silence fell again, this time rather awkwardly. Riza felt stupid for asking such a thing while Roy and his still slightly inebriated mind, felt like he had to get everything out there.
So he looked up at her again, and after only a moments pause, spoke. "Sides...you're the only one I've ever looked at that way..."
Her gaze fell to him again, ready to give him that annoyed look. But just seeing his eyes...she found herself pausing instead, at a complete loss. There was none of his usual smirky look when he said something like that. It was an actual, genuine statement. And for once in her life...she had no idea what to do.
Every bit of this was not right. It was a huge no no by military law. She couldn't allow it and she couldn't allow Roy you pleasure the thought. Things had to stay as they were, or one or both of them could lose their jobs. And with everything yet to be done...neither could afford that.
"Roy...I..."
But she didn't get very far. Roy had shifted quickly and captured her lips with his, effectively putting an end to any sort of protest. He knew the rules just as much as she did. But when did he ever follow rules? They were still human, and though he understood the reasons for the law, it didn't mean he had to like them. It's not like he'd for any reason give Riza promotions because she was in a relationship with him. She wouldn't allow it anyway. Both in their own ways believed that you should work for the things you want, not have them handed to you.
But rules were rules and...well fuck it. Rules were made to be broken. To a certain degree anyway.
And he was very well at this moment breaking them.
But it wasn't really like she was complaining in any way. After the initial shock, she began to kiss him back, even shifting a bit to not strain her neck so much.
Every part of this should not happen. They were risking their careers so much right now. It wasn't worth it with all they had to do but...it was also so worth it. She couldn't deny in any way that she wanted this for so long. As far back as she could remember she had always had a bit of a crush on him. Obviously it had grown so much more in recent years. But she could remember even as far back as when he came to learn under her father, that she liked being around him. She would often peek into the study while he worked and silently watch. And when she was sent to fetch him for dinner she always found it hard to say anything to him.
So in this moment...even though she knew how wrong this was...she also knew how right it was.
And so she shifted again, giving herself enough room to allow her arms to wrap about his neck, pulling him a bit closer in the process.
He was pretty much on top of her now, caressing her lips with a little more fervor now. His hands trying desperately to find something to hold onto. His motor skills still quite obviously impaired.
Instead he chose to flip positions, leaning back against the headrest and pulling her onto his lap, continuing to kiss her, hands resting firmly on her hips.
He nipped slightly at her bottom lip before letting his mouth slowly trail down her neck to her collar bone, where he gave the gentlest of nips.
Riza could not help but to let out a gasp, gripping at his shoulders and letting her head lull back a bit, biting her bottom lip as he began to suck the spot.
But then...everything came into perspective, and although she didn't want to, she stopped him; pushing herself back a bit. "Roy...we can't."
"...I know the rules, but..."
"No, it's not that. You're still drunk Roy...this is something very serious...something meant to be special...something that we should both be sure about..."
"I am sure though..."
She smiled slightly, placing a hand on his cheek. "There is so much at stake here Roy...in our careers and in our lives...we have to be as sure about this as we can possibly be. And I know you care about me...it's not really a question of if...but a question of is now the right time? Would you regret doing it at this time when you're sober? I think we need to be sure first..."
Slowly he nodded, understanding what she was saying. He knew he'd be upset if this was something they would both regret in the morning. So reluctantly, he removed his hands from her hips and let her get up. She said nothing more and moved off to grab the bedding for him.
In the meantime, he realized how massively overdressed he still was. He hadn't even taken his coat off for gods sake.
With a sigh he stood up and removed it, letting it drop to the floor as he sat back down to undo his boots, placing them under the coffee table so his drunk ass wouldn't trip over them if he needed to get up in the night.
Riza returned about that time with a pillow and a blanket, handing them to him. He rested the pillow against the armrest, giving it a pat for good measure before laying down. He moved to pull the blanket up but was forced to pause as Riza squeezed in next to him. He blinked a few times, confused.
"...just watch where your hands go...I just...I know the nightmares will come. It's better for me to stay..."
A small smile pursed his lips and he nodded slightly. He uttered a 'thank you' as he pulled the blanket over them.
There quite obviously wasn't a lot of room for two people on a couch so he didn't really have a choice but to sling an arm over her. She didn't seem to mind at all, cuddling against him instead. He had to admit...this was going to be hard. His body still wanted to do other things while his mind and heart was happy with things just as they were. So willing his body to shut up, he closed his eyes and did his best to get what few hours there was left to sleep.
The morning dawned painfully bright and even though his eyes were still closed, the light that did manage to get through was kicking harshly at his head. He groaned and sat up, only now realizing Riza wasn't there. He looked around the room for a bit till a clanging from the kitchen told him where she was...and gave him yet another massive kick to the head.
Groaning again, he slowly got up and made his way to the kitchen, the pleasing smells of breakfast both making his stomach grumble and turn at the same time.
He took a moment to make sure he wasn't going to throw up before moving closer, hesitating slightly before wrapping his arms around her from behind. She stiffened slightly as she hadn't heard him enter. Which was...surprising. She could hear a pin drop on a pile of feathers her hearing was so good. But she just assumed with what they shared and the fact she knew he wasn't a threat, that she just let her walls drop.
He rested his chin on her shoulder, kissing her neck gently. "...I'm sober now...but nothings changed. I'm just going to say it...I love you Riza Hawkeye...and damn the rules...we'll just have to keep things secret for now...once I'm Fuhrer...no one will be able to say anything about it."
She thought things over for a moment before speaking."This is a dangerous game we're playing..."
"This is childsplay compared to the dangerous game we're playing right now..."
"...and at the same time...with no idea who did it...if it was an outside or inside job...we could run the risk of this being used against us to get rid of us..."
Roy mulled this over for a moment. He knew she was right, but he also knew after last night...there was no way either of them would be able to suppress this any longer.
"We'll just have to be extremely careful...be the best actors we can be...because you know there's no going back on this now. Our hearts wouldn't let us..."
She nodded slightly, turning in his arms so she faced him. "Then we act. It's not like we don't have things to keep us busy anyway. We have to find the person who killed Hughes...we have to see how deep this goes...those things will certainly keep our minds from wandering at work..."
Roy nodded solemnly. It would indeed keep their minds busy...he just wished it wasn't Hughes case they were working on. He wished his friend was still here. But he wasn't. And the most they could do now was find the bastard that killed him.
So for now they would put on one of the best acts of their lives. Love in secret and wear a mask when out in the world.
He felt more determined than anything now. He had his reasons now. He had work to do. He would turn from that dead end and go off road till he connected with another path. And he knew Riza would be there helping him along the way, pulling him back to his feet if he stumbled. And in this moment he knew they both thought the same thing...this path that they were heading towards was going to be extremely bumpy. They had no idea who they'd be facing or what would happen. They would just have to take it as it came.
He shook the thoughts from his mind and started to pull away but Riza pulled him back, giving him a gentle kiss. "First good morning kiss..." And a nice pink flush of her cheeks accompanied her words. Roy chuckled slightly, dipping in and giving another kiss. "And not the last I hope."
"Of course not." She said with a slight laugh of her own. "But now...you might want to try to stomach some food. We have to get to work soon. The less you look like crap the better."
"Hey now." He chuckled and took a seat, Riza sitting beside him. For now, everything was alright. All they could do was enjoy it while it lasted.