I honestly have no idea how this story happened. But here you are. Castiel's vessel Jimmy bitching about Cas's crush on Dean. (Because Castiel sure as hell has a crush on Dean.)
The most common emotion for Jimmy is confusion. It is not really surprising since he serves as a container of an angelic substance; that does that kind of a thing to you. It changes you, creeps you out and makes you rethink your life and what you value in it. The thing that frightens Jimmy the most is his incapability to recall what was happening throughout the time when he's been eyes and limbs for an angel. There are reminiscences of fights, torture and other things he would be pretty happy to forget, just for the record.
Sure, he had had faith in God and naturally he believed in angels before all the crazy stuff began. Then he heard Castiel's voice and it was okay, because, come on, when an angel asks you a favour you don't just tell them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine – and honestly you can't really be sure about that with angels, because who knows where the sun shines in heaven. Certainly he thought it was a bit odd when he was told to plunge his arm into a huge pot of boiling soup; it's pretty lame and unsanitary – to say nothing about the little detail that thrusting your arm into boiling water probably wasn't something that would earn you a Nobel Prize. For anything. But an angel told him to do it and that it was cool so Jimmy obeyed because one does not simply defy angels, even the unimportant ones you never heard of. It surely had nothing to do with Jimmy's ego; you didn't start doing idiotic things just because an angel told you you were special. Right?
There were other tests of his faith and loyalty but neither of them was this weird. He had known he would have to leave his family, but he never realised he would have to abandon them, just vanish into thin air, get lost and never glance back. Afterwards, when Castiel was preoccupied and gave Jimmy some time for thinking on his own, he was telling himself off for being like a damn teenager who met his celebrity crush and lost his mind completely. He can't understand how he could miss out as important thing as the duty to drive his daughter to school every morning. How he could forget he would never be allowed to caress his wife's cheek, pat his daughter on the head or argue over baseball with his friends. He should have had this in mind when he was considering giving his body to an angel – who, just saying, may not even be an angel. It was quite possibly in the contract, but he was always too lazy to read small letters.
But there was one thing that wasn't a part of the deal and he was pretty sure he should have been told that Castiel was not only going to stay in his body but use and change it as well. Jimmy could cope with the fights, exorcising demons or even arguments with other angels; those were strange but kind of the things he expected to do when he agreed to carry Castiel within himself. He may have wished for some stay in paradise as well, you know, hanging out in heavenly restaurants, driving expensive cars and meeting authors of quality and artistic books, but he could understand that Heaven was not currently head over heels to host ordinary humans and inferior angels.
That thing was the actions and sensations of his body that certainly weren't coming from him. He thought Castiel would just use his body to exist and walk the Earth, not really use it as a body. Jimmy had always imagined angels as divine creatures without urges and appetites of the flesh. Good lord, it was Jimmy's flesh they were talking about. And the damn angel used Jimmy's body as if it was his. He didn't ask for Jimmy's permission, he just did what he wanted, influenced the body and forced Jimmy to live through all that as well which left scars.
Jimmy was a normal, ordinary guy who was trying to live a healthy, happy and ordinary life. He believed in God, had a job which he hated in plausible extent, argued with his wife on occasions and overall he was an example of a casual respected man who would die unnoticed by everybody except the Tax office and would be pretty satisfied with it. He's had quite good marks at school, paid insurance and only tried smoking one time and drank only the amount of alcohol he knew he could digest without problems. He was so decent he never even considered some things.
Including being attracted to men.
And yet when Castiel first took over his body and revealed himself to that Dean Winchester who was the kind of guy Jimmy blamed for all problems of the world, starting with oil stains and ending with famine in Africa, Jimmy's body hadn't had a new master for long but it immediately ignored what it had been told and obeyed Castiel. Jimmy was locked, silenced and tied within his own head but he wasn't unconscious all the time. So he had to watch his body reacting how it shouldn't to a man and he wished he never prayed to a single angel or whatever Castiel was.
Jimmy understood better than anyone else – maybe even Castiel himself – how tied the angel was to Dean Winchester. Jimmy was there all the time, observing, and he felt his own heartbeat elevating at the mere sight of the man. Castiel was confused by his own feelings, Jimmy could sense that and it puzzled him as well.
In the first moments he thought it was another test; that maybe Castiel saw some flaw in him and tried to test this on Jimmy. Because hey, have you read the Bible? It says that lying with a man was abomination. When Jimmy believed it was all just a test for him, he tried to remember if he ever felt tempted to break that rule, if he ever had a dream about a man, if he ever saw somebody else than his wife during their sex, but there was not a sign of it. To say it as Dean Winchester would put it, he was straight as an airport runway. But there was no outcome; Jimmy wasn't told whether he failed the test or not and after a few days he drew the conclusion that maybe this was all real.
It shocked him greatly, almost as much as when his prayers were answered. Because he would be alright with angels loving men, that's how God created them – or so Jimmy thought. But Castiel didn't love everybody, even if some people were much better than Dean Winchester. Frankly, many people were better than Dean Winchester and yet it was this... bloke who got raised from perdition by an angel of the Lord. Sometimes Jimmy was frustrated and hammered on Castiel's consciousness, asking questions he didn't expect answers to. After he got tired of that, he accepted the explanation Castiel has given to the Winchester guy – God needs him to do whatever a mere man can do. That meant that even if a person is a complete... douchebag and breaks every rule, kills people, screws every girl that's not a monster to run fast enough and overall is an example of what Jimmy sees as impersonation of all the seven sins at once, this person can be useful and in extreme cases might be spared eternal doom.
What Jimmy doesn't get though is why an angel would love a man like this. He expected Castiel to be repulsed by the idea of working with Winchester, he expected to spend as little time with the man as possible and when the time comes, to throw him back into Hell. Castiel seemed to not care about Dean at first, before they met, everything went as Jimmy intended. But then Winchester and that other man summoned the angel and when Castiel looked at Dean Winchester – when Jimmy's eyes met Winchester's – there was something new, extraordinary and while Castiel failed to describe the sensation with words, Jimmy had no problem with it. It was bliss, happiness, contentment and above all, it felt as if Castiel had found a piece of himself.
Jimmy didn't discuss it with Castiel because... well, there's no such thing as a manual called "How to talk to an angel who's been struck by Cupid's (obviously poorly aimed) arrow." There were several things that really bothered Jimmy about that affair. When he got past the fact that angels really fall in love not just love from the moment they were created – meaning they actually choose a person over other people – he needed eons of time to process the whole fate thing because damn, meeting Dean Winchester was Castiel's destiny.
But there was this one thing, this small, but important detail, the one that still made Jimmy doubt that this whole thing was God's idea. If angels were created to fall in love with people – which (again) contradicts the Bible – and if there was something like soul mates, why would Castiel's true love have a male form? In the easy times when Jimmy could decide whether to believe in angels or not, he usually thought about them as of conglomerations of goodness, kindness and mercifulness but also of power. They had names and in Heaven they probably had bodies as well. But they were not supposed to... be of any gender, to say it very clumsily. They were not supposed to feel physical inclination towards humans, male or female; but if they did – as Jimmy has recently found out – they should follow the same rules humans do (or should do, anyway.)
But Castiel was a man, chose a male vessel to carry him during his stay on Earth, and Dean Winchester was showing his masculinity at every occasion he could probably get. Castiel was made aware of it over and over so many times it made Jimmy feel extremely frustrated because come on, was it really important to hit on that bartender, to drink all that alcohol of fishy quality and brands or to do that disgusting thing when he climbed onto a bed with his shoes still on? And yet Castiel kept staring at Winchester – using Jimmy's eyes – observing him and feeling such longing Jimmy was almost out of his mind because of it. (And this time metaphorically out of his mind, because Castiel's kicked him out literally a long time ago.)
Castiel, an angel of the Lord, was absolutely and completely in love with a prototype of a heterosexual, amoral and masculine man. Castiel, an angel of the Lord who occupied the body of an ordinary Christian who until that never really looked at a guy, had a crush on Dean Winchester. Castiel, an angel of the Lord, fell in love with a man he was told to save from Hell.
And Jimmy has to witness it all. Until then, being skin for an angel was a bit creepy and uncomfortable but Jimmy could live with it. But when Castiel first laid his eyes on Dean Winchester – for the first true time, not the one when they were in Hell – everything just got out of hands. But there was no going back, no unsinging the contract, no breaking the deal, no reclaiming his body like a bag after flight in airplane. Jimmy is there every second every day and he has to walk the path Castiel has chosen for himself, the path that must necessarily lead to eternal damnation.
Jimmy has to experience every single moment of the roller-coaster ride that is Castiel's stay on Earth. He has to live through all the downs – the depressions and sadness the angel can't understand and yet can't stop feeling. Jimmy has to watch an angel doubt himself, be on the verge of tears, never knowing how to shed them, Jimmy sees Castiel feel small, unwanted, redundant and powerless. On the other hand though, Castiel can feel strong and unrestricted happiness and mirth – when he laughs with Dean, when Dean tells him they're friends, when Dean asks him something – when Dean prays to him – and God, isn't that even more annoying? Jimmy can relate to sorrow and pity and if he didn't see the Winchesters all the time, he would almost believe the grief is his own. But the joy is so much worse because there are only little things that actually make Castiel happy and don't include Dean Winchester. The angel is so fascinated by humanity and he had to choose this man to study it on!
Jimmy doesn't know what exactly the thing that bothers him is. He has lost everything, agreed to be Castiel's vessel, and losing the right to control his body was a part of that deal. But he's so disappointed. He expected to serve a greater good, to be part of something important, to mean something and maybe if he was lucky to save the world in the process. Hey, not a very modest way of life, but after so many years of being ordinary and good, Jimmy wanted a reward. And Castiel made it all sound so alluring, glorious and fantastic; after all, Jimmy should have predicted something would go wrong. When he looks at it now, he was just so greedy for fame, importance and power it only serves him right what happened.
But he doesn't think his sin was so bad that he had to be punished this way. Not only does his body act independently on his will, he lost his family, friends and overall his whole old life and above all, God and angels – his faith, the only reliability in his life, his anchor, has shattered into pieces because wings and might aside, angels are just as corruptible, flawed and weak as mortals. Jimmy wishes he never prayed to anybody and anything, he wishes he didn't choose the weird way of teenage rebelling against his parents and becoming an ardent believer and most of all he wishes he could just close his eyes and stop experiencing what Castiel is going through.
Because as much as the emotions and sensations are uncomfortable for Jimmy, their meaning is not hidden from him. Castiel has never felt anything, not really, not an emotion on his own. He has loved his father, his siblings, he has loved humanity, but it was all programmed in him, he felt it by default. He was supposed to feel it, he was supposed to be loyal and obedient because there was one angel who was doing some thinking on his own and look what happened to him.
Dean Winchester was pushing him farther and farther from his path and what was expected of him and neither of them noticed. Dean doesn't truly understand what hides in Castiel's heart, what a potential, what a strength, what love that have been sleeping during Castiel's whole life. And sure as hell they don't know what could happen if Castiel acted on those feelings.
But Jimmy can see it all, because that's what he does, and as far as he can say, the whole world is going to pay for Castiel's little crush on Dean Winchester. Because it's not a crush anymore, is it? It's grown into something so much stronger and dangerous; it's turned into a full, unhealthy infatuation. Jimmy is a human and he has had childhood crushes and teenage love affairs like normal people – normal people which means humanity minus that little pool of lost cases including Dean Winchester. Jimmy knows what it feels like to be desperately in love with someone you can't get; an older super-hot cheerleader, smart nerdy classmate because all guys love smart nerdy girls or a celebrity that would never ever care about your existence. It's a normal part of life human life, but it can turn into a disaster in the hands of angels. Desperate teenager in love would do a lot of silly things but he has neither the courage nor the means to do anything that could actually affect people.
An angel though, has too much power to be trusted. But nobody would listen to Jimmy, because Jimmy's gone and he can't warn anybody. One day though, Castiel will be too tired of his love for Dean and he'll try to impress the human even more; by doing something bigger, by becoming something greater and it will put the whole world in danger. Like when a boy studies hard to be the best in class, gets classes of self-defence so he could stand up to a bully or does something equally pointless to gain a girl's attention. Though in Castiel's case, it will not end in maths test or champion title in cross-country running.
The world is going to shatter into pieces when Castiel tries to play God in attempt to impress Dean Winchester and Jimmy will be there, watching it as he always does, because that's all he'll ever be allowed to do.