The Following Trailer Is Rated NFM For No F##king Mercy!
From the saga that taught countless girls it's okay to make rushed, life altering decisions based on obsessive attractions to guys they barely know, comes the installment that marks the beginning of the end for the Twilight franchise… Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn- Part 1
After three bloated movies about dealing with their immature commitment issues, Bella and Edward have finally decided to get married, after realizing that no one else on God's green earth could put up with either one of them.
Scratch your head as Twilight actually hits the ground running for once, rushing through the wedding ceremony right off the bat. Hey, slow down bud, it's not like you have anything important to get to. No, seriously, you have nothing important waiting in the wings.
Then, if you aren't a complete creepo, run from the theater at the approach of the long awaited wedding night, which results in Bella getting a bruise, and Edward consequently taking a vow of chastity. Unfortunately, it's not enough to prevent Bella from becoming pregnant with a baby that cursed a whole generation of girls with the stupidest female name since Clowance.
As the Volturi gather their forces and prepare for battle, ignore the impending war looming on the horizon and watch everyone bumble around wringing their hands over Bella's pregnancy. Which, like everything else in Twilight, goes to shit and Edward is forced to turn her into a vampire, completing Bella's evolution from a unattractive, boring-as-shit human, into an unattractive, boring-as-shit vampire, because on the list of things that are beyond the power of nature to change, giving Bella a personality is right at the top.
Just as you've recovered from vomiting over Renesmees' bloody birth, head for the toilet all over again as Meyer raps up her convoluted love triangle by having Jacob fall in love with the baby. Oh, I'm sorry, not fall in love, "Imprint," because that makes it sound more socially acceptable.
So grab a barf bag, or two, or three… and prepare for a nauseating mix of teen angst, abortion debates, and pedo vibes, as you desperately cling to the knowledge that this house of borers is almost over. Stay strong my brothers, stay strong.
Starring:
"You are hereby sentenced to spend an eternity with Kristen Steward without the possibility of parole"!- Edward
Fishface- Bella
Damien Thorn- Renesmee
Magic Mike- Jacob
The One Legit Vampire- James
And the most boring honeymoon in the history of the universe!
The Twilight Saga: Boredom Dawn!
The only truly scary part of this movie was when Edward read unborn Renesmee's mind and said she was just like Bella. Oh mother of God, please not another one.