AN: Please... do not take any of this seriously. I wasn't even trying to keep them in character, my mind just caved out on me in the middle of one of my scripts and... this happened.

Disclaimer: Luckily for the sane, I do not own Doctor Who.

"Rose..." the Doctor's voice was quiet, hushed. It was the whisper of wind between the trees, waves of water quietly flowing in a pond, the noise of invisible cockroaches scattering around the floor. "It appears as though I might have made a minor miscalculation."

"Great," Rose deadpanned. Her tone was as flat as Katy Perry's singing voice was on one of her live performances, most likely Firework. Her fists flexed at her side, a sign that she was clearly trying to keep a lid on her anger.

"I can easily fix it," the Doctor said, his expression transforming into a meek grin. "All I have to do is figure out how to walk across lava."

Rose made a terrible-looking face. Which was basically just her normal face. "Of all the places to get us stranded, it had to be Mount Doom."

The Doctor frowned. "Mount Doom-what do you mean, Mount Doom? We're tied up next to Mount Vesuvius. I know you didn't attend school as long as I did, but certainly-"

"Just. Stop talking," Rose sighed. "You know, I really hope you have a plan or something to get us out of here. Like you always do. You've gotten the both of us in danger so many times, it's almost as though I've gotten used to it. You do realize that isn't a good thing, don't you? You do have a plan, right?" She looked exhausted once she'd finished speaking. The Doctor didn't blame her. It was exhausting listening to her talk all the time. He couldn't imagine how she must have felt, being the one generating all that witless babble.

"Of course," he said. He hadn't actually been listening to her, of course, he'd been thinking about other things. However, he'd previously discovered that whenever Rose was cross with him, he could respond with 'Of course' and she'd calm down.

Rose sighed, calming down. "Thank goodness, Doctor."

The Doctor didn't hear her. He was thinking about the film This is The End and pondering mosquitos. They were like miniature vampires.

"Doctor?" Rose sounded worried again, and the Doctor sighed, mentally bracing himself for the rant to come. "Why is the ground shaking?"

The Doctor frowned and looked up. It was hard to see behind him, since he was tied up. Unfortunately, he was also tied to Rose, whose hair had been caught in the ropes in the back. Turning to the side pulled her hair backwards and far away from her head, which was not a good direction for hair to be pulled. She shrieked, and the Doctor mentally prepared himself for Daleks. They were always back, because they had made a deal with the devil; Steven Moffat.

"It looks like the volcano's about to erupt," he announced loudly, because he wasn't sure Rose could hear him over her whimpers. When he turned, he frowned at the way she slumped forwards with a sigh. He waited for his words to sink in. However, it took her more than five seconds to contemplate his message, so instead his mind turned back to mosquitos.

"Oh, my God," Rose whispered. "The volcano's going to erupt?"

The Doctor hummed The Thieving Magpie under his breath. The soundtrack was excellent, as was the composition, but the arrangement he had listened to had been fairly awful. He frowned when Rose started viciously struggling against her bonds.

"What are you doing that for?" he asked.

Rose's face was bright red with fury and panic. "The volcano's going to erupt and we're right beneath it, we're practically sitting ducks!"

The Doctor smiled wryly. "Ah, Rose, my lovely Rose. Ducks do not sit. They do not have chairs."

"Kill me," Rose whispered.

"But that would be rude, despite it being a favour to the universe," the Doctor said. "Also, murder is for cheesecakes."

Rose leaned backwards and began to rub the rope against the sharp rock they were leaning back on. Her hair bounced up and down with the movement like a basketball, or like a female jogger's jugs. The Doctor did not understand why joggers now carried around large milk jugs, but he did admit carrying them helped to build the muscles. It was probably why Jack was so attracted to milkmen. Although that was not surprising, because Jack also found Katy Perry attractive, so apparently he was capable of being attracted to anything in the universe that moved.

The rope did not appear to be close to snapping, even as the tremors in the ground grew more distance.

"Oh, my god, we're going to die, we're going to die, we're going to die," Rose said. She had begun to hyperventilate, which only served to make her an even bigger waste of oxygen. However, the Doctor did not say this, because he was busy thinking about Jack's hair and what kind of conditioner he used.

"And then regenerate," the Doctor said, after Rose's fiftieth reiteration of the phrase 'we're going to die'.

Rose's eyes fluttered closed. "Oh, and my mother will never know what happened to me."

The Doctor very much agreed with that logic, mostly because Jackie probably hadn't missed Rose in the first place.

"Maybe Batman will come to save us," he whispered.

Rose sent him a faint smile, and managed a light chuckle in between a sob and a hiccup. It made her sound like a dying zebra, which was a noise not far off from her regular talking voice. It was also a good impression of Taylor Swift.

"Oh, Doctor," she said fondly. "You know what to do, you know how to make the most horrible things okay."

The Doctor also agreed with that logic, because he had made Rose okay. Well, sort of.

"Listen." Rose closed her eyes. "I know I've never said it before... but I love you."

The Doctor was thinking about Of Mice and Men at that moment, in particular the fifteenth movie adaption. "Of course," he responded.

Rose's face crumpled. "You aren't going to... of course," she breathed. She slumped over, her hair cascading over her broken expression like a waterfall in the desert. "I guess I just... I mean, I'm sorry, springing it on you like that," she said, doing the half-chuckle half-sob thing again. The Doctor was briefly reminded of Carly Rae Jespen.

"Sure," the Doctor said.

Rose leaned backwards. "We had good times, didn't we?"

"Of course."

The ground heaved and trembled, and the volcano above them announced that it was time for them to die. The Doctor smiled to himself, because volcanoes were such drama queens.

They were both struck by a blast of lava. Rose promptly died. Except for the Doctor, because Batman swooped down and carried him out of the blazing inferno, just in time to save his life.

The end

P.S. I love Katy Perry, especially Firework.