The only thought in your mind is:"Have I been here before?".
« Sorry, Dean » You can barely stand on your feet, when you feel it. The wind of change. You whisper about making amend, or coming back, it doesn't matter now, you know that you won't. 'Cause as far, you have never done it. Never have Time. You smile painfully, and wonder if it will never end.
Sometimes, You curse Them, or the time you met them for the first time.
They're in a different plan of existence but it happens the same day.
You are an Angel of Lord. Beautiful. Powerful. Devoted. You save the "righteous" man by raising him for perdition. Dean was a broken toy in Hell and you put back in souls together.
You're a Spy fighting besides Lucifer because God ask you to do so. Beautiful. Powerful. Devoted. You learn from Ruby, that's the day has came. Sam was a lost puppy without his brother, so easily corrupted, but it's not your part of the game.
The Apocalypse must begin, and you will do anything (won't you?) to achieve this goal, after all, it's your only chance to get Paradise on Earth (maybe you were right at this time.)
And it all went down from this moment.
Dean tells you that he has no business with Angels. Dean asks you (and not one of your brothers) to trust him, and it makes him the first to talk with you about feelings, that you shouldn't have.
Sam tells you that he is pleased to meet you, and you think that it's just irrational. Sam is a man of faith, whatever they told you, and it makes your shell crack with doubts, that you shouldn't have.
Dean holds your gaze him and his beautiful eyes looks like shooting star.
Sam smiles to you and you think it's the brightest thing you've ever seen.
You look back and consider yourself stupid for not realizing.( But you couldn't have, could you?)
There is a plan. It's risky and complicated but it could work. It could kill Lucifer, get a rid of Michael and it's what you believe in and Dean watches you in the eyes for like it seems an eternity and told you "He's my brother."
The first time you die, you're helping him changed his destiny. (Now you're laughing at yourself and you've got the right to.).Dean makes it, not you. Raphael blows you up. They're just a little too late.
Your world explodes and you're never sure if it's you or your grace who dies there, if it's Dean or Sam who first left you to save the other.
All you know is that you wake up the next day or two days before; Dean watches you in the eyes for a like it seems an eternity and told you "He's my brother."
Sometimes You curse memories.
You never die painfully: beaten up, burnt in holy oil, bleed out, become human, a knife of his brother in the back… You know how painful it is to die in every way and, sometimes, you wish you could be among all the others who forget. Forget not just the pain, but the betrayal, coming from everywhere, most of all angels, Raphael put a price on your wings, but also demons, Lucifer got it bad being tricked, but the way it hurts the most it's the brother themselves. You remember all, but you choose to lock the reason of the last case.
You don't want to forget 'cause forgetting the bad means forgetting the good.( And to be honest, It's only good memories that keep you from falling, again..)
It means forgetting Dean's eyes full of trust and hope, Sam's bright smile full of gratitude.
It means forgetting when Dean is good; Sam is evil, or whatever combination that puts them on the same side. Sam lays a hand on Dean' shoulder, (At the exactly same place of Your Mark is located) and Dean smiles to him with so much love and devotion that you think you might drown in it – if he ever gave it to you. Sam return a look, and you think that maybe, you misjudge Sam' smile and Dean's eyes, maybe it's reversed.
You know that none have taken a sit between the Winchester's brother like you did, but you know, you're far beyond their connection. (And you can still hear the echo of your laughter.)
Too many timelines to count and you don't know if you can exist without them anymore.( Such a waste, you were a so beautiful, powerful, devoted angel.)
You don't wonder if they could exist without you. You know.( And Paradise seems so far away.)
Sometimes, You curse the people.
There's the drunk driver who kills Dean when he's sixteen, the demon-other than Ruby- who makes Sam drink demon blood and sacrifice his life, Lisa who keeps Dean during an entire life, John and Mary once not even conceiving Sam…
They destroyed happy times, you tell yourself. They tipped the scale of good and bad memories.
Then, you remember Sam (Or Lucifer? Some lifetimes are fucking confusing) secretly organizing the Hell and Dean fighting him (But there's no more laughter, you know the difference between Dean and Michael).You remember Sam laughing at one of Dean's jokes (that you still have difficulties to understand) and then makes a damned mistake that by –pure chance- you have to die to make it right again .You remember…
"I must save him, Cas! That's why family is for!"
And
"I can't let him down, you're his angel, please help me!"
And
"We don't need you!"
And
"Sorry, people change, nice trip to heaven, son of a bitch!"
And
"You betrayed us, you deserved to die."
And
"To think that's I thought of you as a brother."
But the worse, Dean kissing you while drunk a night, Sam giving you a hug after a hard hunt.
And then
"I love you, Cas"
But the logical following
"You will never be as much as my brother."
You remember your heart broke into pieces… (And there you're definitely sure you got fully human in a very spirit way of speaking.)
You remember the times they stopped saving or, killed each other in anger or in the stupid belief that, this time, they could live with the loss.
You remember and You stop cursing everyone else. Dean and Sam would have fucked it up eventually.
Most of the time, You curse yourself.
You still come back. You still pull Dean out of Hell. You still let Sam live. (But Killing one of them at the beginning would have be way much easier) You still get between them – or between Heaven and Hell- like it will make any sort of difference. No matter how many times it happens, You can't stop yourself. No matter how much you know that they barely see you – or be here- when you do it, you do it all over again. (Such a believer, you are…)The worse part you get to live was 2014 with the Croatoan virus, without a doubt.
"Don't hurt him!"
"I will make amend, just let them go!"
"Just stop!"
"The plan will only work with my angelic power, Sam."
"Dean, I'm becoming human…"
"We can choose our future!" (Like if…)
You're drowning in your blood, consequence of your inner fight with the leviathan.( You've got to admit, one of your best idea… Become God? Look like even with that amount of power, you can't leave their side…)
"Have we been here before, Dean?"
He smiles at you, but his beautiful green eyes that you like so much are filled with tears.
And you close your eyes (they used to tell you they love them so much.). You let yourself go in Death's arms.
'Cause you know, it's Dean and Sam, and it will never end.
Most of the time, you curse yourself because you curse so much that you can't bring yourself to regret, or to break the spell they've created.
The next thing you know, Dean stares at you and whisper next to your ears "He's my brother", before putting a small kiss on your lips.