The start of the end

'Nah, come off it Ref, that was well out!' Finn huffed in protest to no-one in particular as he watched the match onscreen. The referee was blind to miss that last foul and it looked like the other team might take the next goal if their goalie didn't get his head out of his arse. A well timed pass managed to get his team the upper hand and within the next fifteen minutes they'd gotten another goal and just narrowly been cheated out of a second and Finn's mood had improved massively for the evening. He waited until half-time to think about moving and sorting himself something to eat when the door rang. Closing the fridge and straightening up he made his way down from the kitchen to his front door. He fought to keep control of the grin spreading across his features as he opened the door to see a welcome sight. He opened the door out wide and bit down on his bottom lip to contain his smile at the sight of Rae standing on his front steps. 'Alright?'

'Here's your jacket.' It wasn't what he expected and it knocked him. Instead of the smile he'd been expecting in return her eyes took on an uncomfortable pained expression as he waited for her to speak. He stepped out from the doorway and his confusion turned to concern as he reached an arm out to take it from her. Rae pushed the plastic covered coat hanger towards him like a barrier.

'What's goin' on?' Something was wrong. Did something happen? At College-her mum, did he do something?

'…I just-I just wanna be mates,' he saw her try to shrug it off like it was nothing as she spoke. The words hit Finn square in the chest and he couldn't quite understand what he was hearing before it sunk in. After a breath she continued and he could feel his stomach tighten, 'I don't wanna go out.'

'What do ya mean? Since when?' There was pain in his voice and it was in his throat as he struggled to make sense of what was going on, not believing any of it.

'That's my decision,' her voice was brittle and he could see her eyes reddening, 'I'm sorry.' Before he could even let out the breath he'd been holding she had already turned to go. He lifted his arms out in confusion, waiting for her to explain what was going on, that it wasn't actually happening. Rae. Rae don't. Please don't.

'No Rae. What've I done?' He pleaded, following after her, reaching out for her and missing as she shook him off, 'Rae!' He knew he sounded desperate but he didn't care. He reached out to take her hand and she pulled it away again like he had burned her. Finn searched his brain for something, anything that he might've said or did. Ready to plead for a chance to tell her he was sorry and to let him do better. He watched her go from the end of his drive, quickening her pace like she couldn't get away fast enough. She started to fade out of sight from under the orange glow of the last streetlight on his road and she was gone.

'Rae, Rae!' He called out to her again and again and considered following after her but found his legs were weighted to the spot. A heaviness took over along with a leaden ache in his gut. After a while he could see across the road's curtains move to look out at the noise but he didn't move. He couldn't. Not even when she'd already disappeared from view. What had he done? It didn't make any sense. His brain reeled, he tried to wrack his brain for answers and came up empty. Everything was empty. It was only when his arms started to protest at the chill that he thought about going back to the house. He felt the jacket still tightly gripped in his hands. He looked down at it, took a few pained breaths before launching it as far as he could throw down the hall where it slumped defeated in a heap.

In the living room he could hear the murmur of the commentators getting excited about the match before everything had come crashing down. Finn padded into the living room and slumped down on the couch feeling heavy and sick. He was unsure if he should feel upset or glad that his dad wasn't home, wouldn't be home for the week, leaving him to his thoughts. It was too quiet but he didn't want to see anybody or to have to talk. He just wanted to curl up and not exist for a bit.

He thought they were getting on. They were, he hadn't imagined that. It were real, he felt it. How was he supposed to go back to being friends after that? Hadn't they sorted things at the pub? Things at college were shit enough as it was and any hope of actually having someone to talk to, someone he wanted to be around that didn't make him miserable were smashed. He'd looked for her in the halls and the grounds, waiting near the doors for her to come out of class and not seeing so much as a glimpse of her for a week. She became a ghost and that had been bad enough. He thought maybe if he gave her a bit of space for a bit she might have come around. He should've noticed then that something was wrong. The idea hurt him. She'd slipped away from him before he could even try to fix it. He was alone again.

The voices on the screen faded out and he wasn't aware of time passing when the TV switched over to teletext and he was truly alone. It hurt to move. In the room downstairs he sat and stared, chest hunched inwards and feeling like someone had hit him with a bulldozer. Finn couldn't remember how long he stayed like that. He remained rooted as the sky changed from behind the blinds and the anaemic blue of the early morning seeped through uninvited. The chorus of the sodding birds outside stirred him out of the thoughts pressing in his head until he moved to his room where he didn't come out as it all hit him. His eyes stung and his throat ached as he shielded the top of his face with his forearm to block out the early morning light from his window. He could feel the pit of his stomach lurching like he was being punched from the inside and curled his chest towards his knees where he lay. Nothing had ever made him ache this much.

There were reminders all over the place, his room had scatterings of her CD's that she'd left for him near his bed and downstairs with the Hi-Fi. He remembered playing some of his records for her, even with Chloe being there he'd wanted to impress her, gauge her reaction to see what she liked, what she didn't. He'd had a load of tape ideas he hadn't even gotten round to. Bit pointless now. Finn lifted the first CD in the pile in his room and turned it, examining the Bowie tracks she'd told him to have a listen to. He had. He'd grown attached to them, like her, and now he'd have to give that back as well. He wasn't sure which was worse. That was a lie. He did, he'd take her any day over any of it.

There was no point in them sitting there with him staring at them like a mopey git, they were hers and she should probably have them back to lend someone else. That thought brought an unwelcome twinge.

It had taken him three false starts where he'd put the phone down before he had even finished dialling her number. Fourth time had to be the charm and he waited with unease as it rang out, steeling himself for what was going to follow. He heard the click and bit at his nails when he heard her.

'Hello?' Hearing her voice was hard. Her voice was quiet and uncertain on the other end and it took him a moment to answer. 'Hello?'

'Sorry, it's just me,' he forgot himself for one traitorous moment before his tone changed, his voice lowering slightly. 'It's Finn.

'Finn-' he heard her tone change, voice cracking.

Before he bottled it or said something stupid he tumbled it out before she could finish. '-I just wanted to say that I'll be down near the estate after one. Can you meet me at the park? Thought ya might need your stuff back.'

'Don't…' she started and then stopped, changing her tone with a shaky breath. 'You don't have to do that,'

'S'alright, they're yours anyway an' it'll save you coming round for em.' He knew it was a low blow, but he didn't have it in him to try and be anything else. To pretend she hadn't hurt him.

'Right. I'll er, I'll get you over there then.' Finn could hear a hint of pain in her voice.

'Yeah, see you in a bit.' The finality didn't come with the relief he expected. That leaden feeling had settled again in his stomach.

There was a pause at the end of the line. 'See you.' He waited as the phone clicked down on the other side before doing the same. That was that then.

He'd had some time to be on his own for a bit to deal with things he reassured himself. While he wasn't ready to really face her yet it seemed like the best thing was to get it out of the way before it got any worse and he couldn't be in the same town as her. If he could do that then it would get easier to see her about. If he could talk to her it might not be as hard for him to be around her, maybe after a while he'd stop thinking about her and eventually it would hurt less. There wasn't much else for it. Not as though he had much choice. Before he could change his mind he collected everything up in his hands and stuffed them carefully into his bag. Tugging on his jacket with reluctance and looping his bag across his chest he moved with resignation out the door and down towards the playground. His steps slow, hands deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. He couldn't be around her and he hated it. He knew it was selfish but he couldn't do it. It was hard not talking to her or seeing her about but at that moment he couldn't accept the substitute of just being friends, nothing more. He hated it.