Positive Rein-dunce-ment

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Wade's losing the attention of Adriana, so RK introduces him to positive and negative reinforcement. It works like a charm until Wade starts abusing it. Meanwhile, Sparky's paranoid about going to Brooklyn with Halley for her sister's half-birthday.

1. Positive Rein-dunce-ment Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 10

Airdate: December 14, 2014

Title: Positive Rein-dunce-ment

Segway Segment: The Big Television Debate (Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn debate the Simpsons episode "Homer's Enemy")

Special Guest Stars: Adriana G. as Adriana Chachinski, Billy West as Sparky's inner voice, Anna Revia-Khocholava as Herself

Satire/Social Commentary: None

SCENE 1

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Wade and Adriana are back from their date and walking up to Wade's front porch. Adriana looks a little out of it, like something's eating at her.)

WADE: Boy, that was the most scrumptious dinner I've had in weeks. I'm so glad lobster is back in my life. There's a special place in my diet for lobster again.

ADRIANA: I'm glad you're glad, Wade.

WADE: Hey, are you OK? Lately, I feel like we haven't really been connecting on our dates.

ADRIANA: Yeah, it's cool. It's nothing, don't sweat it.

WADE: Um...alright. Hey, how about a goodnight kiss, my little pudding cup?

ADRIANA: Actually, I have to get home. I think it's past my curfew.

WADE: You live by yourself, you don't have a curfew.

ADRIANA: Well, God knows what I did. And if God knows, then everybody will know I broke curfew. Sorry, Wade, you can tell me that story later. (Adriana then walks away in a haste)

WADE: I wasn't telling you a story! (Wade looks at his little container of lip balm in disappointment) I picked the wrong day to be moist.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK sits down on the couch with a ham and cheese sandwich and a can of Pepsi Wild Cherry. He turns on the TV to a replay of WWE Monday Night RAW.)

JOHN CENA: And that's why you don't sell out on your beliefs. I'm not going to have The Authority sit there and tear down what I've worked more than a decade to build. Because whether they cheer or boo, it doesn't matter. They have known me for years as the man who never gives up when his back is against the wall. So as far as I'm concerned, jack, if The Authority wants some, THEY CAN COME GET SOME!

RK: That's why I love John Cena. He delivers the same damn promo every week and it never gets old.

(Wade comes through the front door and turns off the TV)

RK: Hey, the company is actually starting to try again.

WADE: Look, I need your help with Adriana.

RK: Me? Why?

WADE: Because you're my best friend and you're dating her best friend.

RK: Aw, Wade? I'm touched that you finally think we're best pals.

WADE: I've thought that for a while.

RK: Yeah, but you never said it. I feel like having a margarita, where's the bartender?

WADE: RK, this...this, I don't see what this does.

RK: Well, what's going on anyway?

WADE: Adriana has been acting really cold lately. Almost all of our dates and conversations end up the same way: I talk a mile a minute, I eat all that I can at the buffet table, Adriana just sits there and barely uses that sexy, incredible voice, and once I get home, I have to puke in the toilet because I ate something I shouldn't have.

RK: At least THIS time you're not puking because the Patriots never win the AFC.

WADE: SHUT UP, THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME! What am I going to do? Our relationship is slowly coming to an end.

RK: You're overthinking this, man. Maybe she's just dealing with something personal and she hates it when you give her advice.

(The camera does a close-up of Wade's bored expression)

RK: Hey, you know how girls are.

WADE: No, I really don't. I don't want to lose Adriana. She's one of the most amazing girls I've ever met and all I care about is making her happy.

RK: Well, there is ONE surefire way you could turn things around. Guaranteed by me.

WADE: I'm a little skeptical now. What did you have in mind? And nothing about sex!

RK: Of course not. It's the language of love. Positive reinforcement.

WADE: Positive reinforcement? So a crude system consisting of unsophisticated behavioral conditioning?

RK: Yes, Wade, you smart too so you say things. You see, one day, I was watching My Wife and Kids. As usual, I was laughing until I could barely move, and I realized something.

(long pause; RK just stops talking without warning)

WADE: What?

RK: Oh yeah, I was talking. Basically, in order to mess around with the waiter, Michael and Jay used positive reinforcement to get better treatment. And once they got what they wanted, they took him down with negative reinforcement without him even knowing.

WADE: OK, so how does this help me?

RK: Look, it's pretty obvious you and Adriana are at a point where you're phoning everything in and things are just stale. I like to call it the "Season 8 Full House phase." But every phase comes to an end. The next time you see Adriana, shower her with compliments and let her know you're really into her.

WADE: But I'm always into her.

RK: Yeah, but this time, you make sure she knows that at every turn. And once you have her all buttered up, put her in the toaster. Take her down a peg, throw a few subtle insults. She'll be aware of what you think and will now desperately try to impress you. I tried it on Anna a few weeks ago, and now she can't get enough of the White Mamba.

WADE: Nobody calls you that! Isn't this a little odd trying to change Adriana's behavior?

RK: Of course not. You're a boy, Wade. And as a boy, it's your job to stay out of the "Season 8 Full House phase" at all costs. Nobody deserves that phase. Once you know it works, you'll eventually stop using it and Adriana will be crazy for you again.

WADE: I guess it couldn't hurt. We have a date next Friday, I'll try it then.

RK: That's my boy. Hey, how about I make you an after-dinner snack?

WADE: That's OK. But could I use the bathroom? The lobster's coming back.

(knowing what this is leading to) RK: Yeah, sure.

(Wade runs to the bathroom and starts throwing up while RK watches TV with a bored expression)

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is writing in his journal. An instrumental taken directly from Doug plays in the background.

(In his head) SPARKY: "Dear Journal, I don't know why, but I feel like something really cool is going to happen soon. And it's going to be because of my girlfriend Halley. We've been dating for more than a year now, and things couldn't be better."

(record skipping)

(on the stairs) BITCH CLOCK: Since when do you have a journal?

SPARKY: How did you know...I wasn't even talking!

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, but I could hear your inner voice all the way upstairs, it's loud as (bleep). What's going on in the fourth grade anyway?

SPARKY: I don't know, I'm just waiting for something to happen.

(Sparky hears a knock on the door and checks the peephole. It's Halley. He opens the door.)

SPARKY: Hey, sweetheart.

HALLEY: Oh no. No talking before kissing.

SPARKY: (chuckles) You're dirty.

(The two start making out)

BITCH CLOCK: Aww, I remember when I was like that. Then I found out what whiskey was.

(Sparky and Halley stare at Bitch Clock)

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I'm just gonna go since...you know, who cares about the bit players, right? (Bitch Clock chuckles and then walks upstairs disappointed)

HALLEY: You know, you never told me why your alarm clock can talk.

SPARKY: It seems pretty late for you to say that. What brings you here anyway?

HALLEY: Well, my little sister Ariel is having her birthday party in Brooklyn a couple of weeks from now and she invited you too.

SPARKY: Wait a minute, I thought Ariel was born in June.

HALLEY: Well, you know, it's her half-birthday party. I told her not to go overboard, but she's still a kid. So will you be able to go?

SPARKY: Hell yeah, I'll be able to go. I just realized I've never met your family so this will be pretty interesting.

HALLEY: Great, I'll let her know. I don't think you need to prepare for anything, but my dad is a little judgmental as you may already know.

SPARKY: Yeah, so both of your parents are going to be there?

HALLEY: Yeah. They're still divorced, but for one day, they'll just forget about the past for Ariel's sake. Speaking of parents, I've never met yours either.

SPARKY: You have, you just don't remember because it was a long time ago.

HALLEY: I literally don't remember. At all.

(sternly) SPARKY: You met them...it was just a long time ago.

(long pause)

(confused) HALLEY: You're...trying to imply something, aren't you?

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is watching TV again while Wade is getting ready for his second date with Adriana in the mirror.)

WADE: Dear Allah, my hair is a mess!

RK: Wade, you got a haircut two days ago.

WADE: So. It no longer looks fresh. You're a white guy, you won't understand.

RK: Hello. Mohawk? This thing is a lethal weapon.

WADE: Yeah, right.

RK: No, seriously, my mohawk cut a guy's hand and he started bleeding. Then for some reason I'll never be able to figure out, he started beating me with his other hand.

(long pause)

WADE: Sometimes, I feel like you make these things up. Oh man, I can't do this! Using operant conditioning on Adriana isn't exactly something I'm too keen on.

RK: Wade, don't be scared, kid. You got this. Just be really nice and give her a bunch of sweet compliments. Then pull back and knock her down a peg. She'll be on her toes the whole time.

WADE: I guess. Did it really work with Anna?

RK: You bet. Positive and negative reinforcement saved our relationship. Now, come on, champ, you got this. You're going to have a good time with Adriana, and you're going to use what I taught you to keep your girl.

WADE: I'm the champion. I'm the champ. I'm the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

RK: No, I'm pretty sure I'm the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

WADE: No, I'M the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

RK: I'M THE WORLD CHAMPION!

WADE: I AM THE WORLD CHAMPION!

RK: I AM THE WORLD CHAMPION!

WADE: I'M THE WWE CHAMP!

RK: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

WADE: THAT'S NOT EVEN GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT!

RK: GO TO YOUR DATE!

WADE: SIR, YES, SIR!

(Wade leaves while RK smiles with his hands on his hips)

SCENE 5

Ken Griffey Jr. Park

Interior Playground

Seattle, Washington

(Wade has set out a cloth for a night picnic with Adriana. She brought the basket.)

ADRIANA: You know, when you first told me what we were doing, I was a little confused, but now I think this is really cool.

WADE: Well, Adriana, when I'm with you, I want to make sure you have the best. Like last month.

CUTAWAY GAG

(RK, Wade, and Adriana are all watching TV together. RK is finished with his bag of chips and tosses it on the floor instead of throwing it away.)

WADE: Hey, hey! Don't throw your culinary paraphernalia around like some kind of monkey!

RK: I'll get it later, it's not a big deal.

WADE: Yes it is. Female company is here and you can't just embarrass me by having her stand privy to your insufferable slovenly behavior!

RK: OK, Wade, but I think there's one small thing you decided to overlook here.

WADE: What's that?

RK: THAT THIS IS MY (BLEEP) HOUSE!

END OF CUTAWAY

ADRIANA: That was so strange. I thought you were going to murder him.

WADE: Nah, never RK. But I would definitely do it if I needed to protect you, because you are the sunshine in my life. I love spending time with you because it somehow makes everything simple to understand. I can't explain it, but I'm crazy for you, Adriana.

ADRIANA: Awww, I'm crazy for you, too! I'm sorry I've been acting so weird lately.

WADE: Why were you?

ADRIANA: Eh, it's not important. But this is.

(Adriana kisses Wade but then he backs away)

ADRIANA: What's wrong?

WADE: I don't know, it's a pretty starry night, I get wistful.

ADRIANA: It's my breath, isn't it? I had a feeling something was up!

WADE: It could be, it couldn't be. We'll never know for sure.

ADRIANA: Well, I know, and I'm going to make sure it never happens again. I can't have my boyfriend think I have a breath problem. I won't even know who I am anymore. But anyway, let's get down and chow down, I'm starving.

WADE: It's working. RK's crazy schemes can actually work!

ADRIANA: What was that?

WADE: No, I meant...the system works, to keep black people like me in jail.

ADRIANA: Yeah, I hate racism too.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK is, as usual, watching TV.

VOICEOVER: Coming to Disney direct-to-video in time for the holiday season, Toy Story is back for the third time with Toy Story 3.5: Woody Strikes Back.

RK: I can't believe I used to respect Pixar.

(Wade comes in with a big, sly smile)

RK: Wait a minute. You did it?!

WADE: Yup.

RK: Wade, you dirty dog! I knew you were a genius, but I didn't know you were able to do it! What the hell is wrong with you, you're a wizard! Did you use Trojan or those ten-cent ones at the pharmacy that come with a 65% chance of pregnancy?

WADE: You jackass, we didn't have sex! I used those positive and negative reinforcement tips you gave me.

RK: Oh, so it looks like Mr. Ryan Kennedy Jennings has the magic touch when it comes to plans.

WADE: I guess. But it was amazing. Adriana acted...different. She was obsessed with impressing me. Why?

RK: Because it was something she needed to do. She felt like if she didn't try, you would get bored and leave her. With reinforcement, needs are always more important than wants.

WADE: Sounds kinda manipulative.

RK: It is, but that's why girls can never find out about it. That's like telling little kids that WWE is scripted, you kill their excitement. And you have to be responsible with it. You can't use this stuff like a toy, you have to be careful or you'll start dicking around with it and ruin everything.

WADE: Well, that makes sense. But it couldn't hurt to do it one more time.

RK: No, no, no, pal, I gave you one shot and it worked. Adriana likes you for you, not because she feels like she has to. You took your opportunity, so just maintain the relationship from now on, OK?

WADE: I don't know. I mean, one more time can't hurt.

RK: Wade, this is not a game. Sooner or later, you're going to start taking advantage of it and bad...things...will happen. You're always telling me what I shouldn't do, now I'm telling YOU what you shouldn't do. Do not use it again, capische?

WADE: Capische. Thanks for setting me straight, RK.

RK: You're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go rub some lotion on myself.

WADE: Why?

RK: Because what I just did gave me a rash.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Sparky's Tree House

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is practicing his greetings for Ariel's birthday party.)

SPARKY: What up, Mr. and Ms. Vidal? No, they're divorced, but still, I can't just separate them. I need a good greeting, something that just rolls off the tip of the tongue. (snaps fingers) I got it! Yo, my neezy, this heezy is off the heezy fo sheezy, Veezies! (Sparky starts to feel nauseous) Oh God, I felt it in my mouth.

BUSTER: What did you feel in your mouth?!

(A disgusted Buster rolls into the tree house after climbing it)

SPARKY: It's not like that, Buster.

BUSTER: Oh, you weren't going to tell me about how kinky you can be?

SPARKY: IT WASN'T SEXUAL! Not that I don't want you here, but...what are you doing here?

BUSTER: Well, you know how The New York Diaries crashed and burned?

SPARKY: Yeah.

BUSTER: Well, how about we go to Cartoon Network with an all-girls version of the show?

SPARKY: Are you pitching an idea for a kids cartoon or asking to get stabbed repeatedly in the chest?

BUSTER: Hey, we could do it. We're smart guys. OK, you're smarter than me, but I'm up there. And what were you doing just now?

SPARKY: Practicing my greetings for Ariel's half-birthday party.

BUSTER: Ariel from The Little Mermaid is real?!

SPARKY: No, dude, Ariel as in Halley's little sister.

BUSTER: Well, to me, I think celebrating your half-birthday is a little esoteric.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Esoteric? Since when did you start talking like Wade?

BUSTER: My brand new word-a-day calendar. It helps me understand new words so I can be smarter. I even started watching Smart Guy. Their very special episode was, uh...pretty cliche.

(Sparky takes the calendar)

SPARKY: Huh. In a week, your word will be "discrepancy."

BUSTER: DON'T SPOIL IT FOR ME! Wait, what were we talking about?

SPARKY: Ariel's half-birthday party.

BUSTER: Oh yeah. Aren't you nervous? I mean, Halley's folks are going to meet you for the first time ever.

SPARKY: A little bit, but I can't think about that too hard. They'll like me no matter what.

BUSTER: Yeah, but you're going to Brooklyn. As in the big city.

SPARKY: Buster, I'm missing the point and Seattle is ALSO the big city.

BUSTER: But Brooklyn is the only city that can brag about its basketball team being the best when it never will be! Doesn't that frighten you?

SPARKY: Uh...

BUSTER: Dude, life is slowly slipping away from us all! Nothing makes sense anymore! YOU HAVE TO HAVE FEAR! WHAT ELSE WILL YOU HAVE WITHOUT FEAR?! You'll just be a shell of a man doomed to spend his life hiding out in a cardboard box next to the newly-built New York magazine kiosk. Because he never learned to fear. Sparky, if you don't understand your task, then you're nothing more than a flunkie. A damned flunkie! I can't even stare at you in the moonlight.

(Buster looks away from Sparky with his arms folded and his eyes closed. Sparky looks down on the floor in confusion.)

SPARKY: What the (bleep)?!

SCENE 8

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Time for another date.

(in the kitchen) RK: I hope it goes well, man.

WADE: I sure do too. (under his breath) I love behavioral conditioning.

RK: Wait, I just realized something.

WADE: What?

RK: I have no idea why I'm here.

(long pause)

WADE: Now that I think about it, I don't know why either.

("She's Not Afraid" by One Direction playing in the background)

Wade and Adriana are watching movies at her place. Wade is once again using positive and negative reinforcement. Adriana is once again like Play-Doh in Wade's hands. This also makes Wade more attractive to her, and she starts making out with him. During the chorus of "She's Not Afraid," RK is shown singing it on the beach and hopping up and down while Wade is dancing in the background. The two then start dancing together and toss sand onto each other and chase each other. Wade uses the technique at a Taco Bell date and at the mini golf course. He also starts dressing in leather jackets and sunglasses, along with a gold chain. With everything now filmed in black and white, RK is then shown singing "She's Not Afraid" at a 1930s-style big band club, while Wade is shown at a table using more aggressive negative reinforcement on Adriana. RK stops singing and looks at the camera worried, foreshadowing what's about to happen.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(to the tune of "James" by Allstar Weekend; getting out of his car and walking towards the house) RK: Adriana's always on a date...with...my buddy Wade.

(RK walks into the house and continues to hum "James")

RK: Ah, teen pop. It never changes. (RK's phone starts ringing. His ringtone is "Still Unbroken" by Lynyrd Skynyrd) Sup, Adriana? How goes Wade? Wait, what?!

SCENE 10

The Gawronski Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Adriana has her arms folded and Wade looks nonchalant, dressed in sunglasses, a leather jacket, a gold chain, and baggy blue jeans. RK looks like he's about to explode.)

RK: YOU TOLD ADRIANA YOU WERE GOING TO SMACK HER?! WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

WADE: Hey, bitches don't know how to act, it's not my fault. She need to respect her king. I (bleep) her erry night, I give her Armani and Charles Jourdans, and she don't want to listen. Bitch a dog, man, need to put her down, you smell me, bruh?

RK: You don't even know what you're saying, bruh. Adriana, I'm sorry my idiot friend here has completely lost his mind. You bastard sitting here with your oversized jeans like you're homies with Mobb Deep. Calling their house when they never even gave you their numbers and whatnot.

WADE: Look, spaz, I don't have time to worry about this BS. Babe, let's go, I need to let you know you're filth so you still feel me.

ADRIANA: Wade, I'm done with you.

WADE: Bitch, what?! Are you playing? You gaming, bitches is gaming!

ADRIANA: No, Wade. You're a bully now and I hate bullies. You know, lately I've really started to be intimidated by you and I thought it was kinda hot, but now you're just a loser wearing clothes you don't even like.

WADE: I love my gear, hoe. And yo, you are NOT leaving me. (Wade starts to grab Adriana's arm)

ADRIANA: LEAVE ME ALONE! (Adriana slaps Wade hard across the face and runs away from the house. Wade was slapped so hard he fell down and his sunglasses came off. It's at this point that he realizes what he's done.) (worried) RK, what just happened?

RK: You didn't listen to me, that's what happened.

(RK leaves the house and "Big Time Theme Song" starts playing as the camera zooms in on an ashamed Wade)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

(The opening instrumental to "F*** Tha Police" by N.W.A. plays in the background)

RK: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another Big Television Debate. Today, we, the people, versus the Simpsons episode "Homer's Enemy." This is one of the most controversial and divisive episodes the show has ever produced. Sparky is coming to the defense of "Homer's Enemy," claiming that it is an all-time classic and an example of how to do mean-spirited humor correctly. He's squaring off against Buster and Jaylynn, who claim that it is an Animated Atrocity and the episode that started what Simpsons fans call "Jerkass Homer." Now, let's begin.

(Sparky is staring down Buster and Jaylynn at the coffee table. The boys are in suit and tie, and Jaylynn is wearing a green hooded military jacket and blue jeans.)

WADE: Sparky, you have the floor first. And you will start...NOW!

SPARKY: If you take a look at my first piece of evidence, you will see the following: A picture of Homer sticking two thumbs up at an angry Frank Grimes. This one picture represents everything that the episode does well. Homer isn't being an asshole here, his idiotic traits are just increased to emphasize the episode's point: You can laugh with Homer and enjoy his antics on TV, but no sane real-life human being would ever be able to work with him. This episode also tells you that the world of Springfield doesn't really make that much sense and challenges Homer's character. Despite the fact that everything Grimes says is true, none of it can really apply to The Simpsons after everything we've seen up to this point. Grimes is invading the world of Springfield and trying to find logic in a place where he never realizes he can't. Therefore, he's the true antagonist. It's intelligent writing that only the best could really pull off without bastardizing anything. When you look at all of that, and see that Homer treated Grimes well for the most part, you can call this a good episode.

JAYLYNN: Hold it! I'm afraid I have to shut you down now. I'm the type of person that can't watch The Simpsons now. The first ten seasons have some of the most entertaining scenes, gags, quotes, and episodes I've ever seen on television. But around season eleven, the show started to get more out-of-left field and stupid. It continued this way until the movie, which was actually really good and made me a Simpsons fan again, but it didn't take long for that feeling to go away. "Homer's Enemy" was made when the show was still considered one of the best on TV, but I'm not sticking up for this train wreck because of that. It was horribly mean-spirited, the subplot was lame, the characters were passive and stupid, and Homer was at his worst. Not his absolute worst like he would end up becoming, but this was a step towards that. Punishing someone for pointing out what doesn't make sense in your world doesn't make you a smart writer, it makes you someone who doesn't understand your characters anymore. Everybody knows that Homer is stupid and destructive in the episode, but they ignore it because it's funnier to watch Grimes lose his mind. He was spot-on with everything he said about Homer but he gets punished for it because that's how things go on The Simpsons. But it's not funny because one of your characters is being ruined for it.

BUSTER: This episode also has some...unfortunate implications. What it's saying is that they know Homer has gotten everything he ever wanted without having to work for it and Grimes has always busted his ass for nothing. They bring this up just to acknowledge it. You're killing your main character, the guy who's supposed to represent the everyday Joe. Episodes like this make me wish The Simpsons had ended in May 2000 with "Behind the Laughter." Instead, the writers kept watching "Homer's Enemy" and believed this is how he should act all the time, so they kept making more crap.

SPARKY: OK, hold up. Your argument doesn't really make much sense.

BUSTER: Oh, you wanna fight about it? We can shoot it up outside.

SPARKY: No, I mean, it's just flawed, that's all. True, there are times where Homer got things without having to do much work like when he went into space, but we supported him anyway because he just wanted to be a hero to his family. If you're a true Simpsons fan, you know Homer never had the sweet life. His mom was almost never around, his dad mistreated him, he ended up becoming a chronic alcoholic, and he had to go back to his dead-end job just to support Maggie. Homer busted his ass trying to provide for the kids and maintain a healthy marriage with Marge, someone who should have left him years ago. Grimes only saw the nice things Homer had earned without really seeing the man inside. And this is what I'm saying. Grimes was looking for logic in a place where he couldn't find it. He never got to know Homer that well and understand him, he just wanted to humiliate him.

JAYLYNN: Well, Homer didn't really treat Grimes that well. He ate his lunch, messed around with his pencils, and told Mr. Burns that Grimes caused the acid to destroy the wall when he was trying to save his life. Plus, he witnessed his laziness firsthand and as someone who has had to work hard for everything he got, that would obviously cause resentment. Grimes had reasons to not like Homer from the start.

SPARKY: True, while the acid thing was really stupid even for Homer, nothing he really did was out of bullying or malice. Homer was disappointed when Grimes said they were enemies and wanted to be his friend. He even invited him over to dinner to show him that he's not the man he saw at the power plant, but Grimes didn't care. He just looked at all of Homer's nice things and assumed he lived a charmed life. Marge hit the nail right on the head: Grimes didn't really hate Homer, he just hated the idea of lazy people succeeding in life because he always had to struggle for any achievement. Homer even tried being a model employee and entered the contest to prove it despite the fact that Grimes was tricking him.

BUSTER: Homer may have tried being Grimes' friend, but he was acting unusually stupid to the point where it's painful to watch. When Grimes was imitating Homer and saying that he was him, Homer replied with "You wish." I caught that and realized that was the only line that mattered in the entire episode. Homer realized he did lead a charmed life and Grimes is only jealous because he will never get that life for himself. Plus, the episode decided to kill Grimes and have his funeral completely ruined by some lame sitcom ending. The episode never treated him with respect and for that, I have to call it an Animated Atrocity.

JAYLYNN: And let's not forget what makes this episode especially bad: The fact that Homer would later do even worse things without consequence in later seasons, only making Grimes' arguments more accurate and the episode even more confused.

SPARKY: But we're looking at this from 1997, not 2014. I don't see Homer framing Marge for drunk driving here or saying that he's always wanted to get rid of Bart. This episode had a point to make and in order to do that, you had to make it awkward, you had to make it thoughtful because that's the only way an episode like this can work. You see, if Family Guy rehashed this episode with Peter, I would be on your side because we know Peter is a bad person who gets what he wants with little effort. Grimes called out Homer on things that he didn't take the time to understand. In those years, Homer always put his family first and did things he didn't want to for their sake. We know Homer's not what Grimes thinks and that's why he gets what he deserves at the end of the episode. He never took the time to understand what world he was living in, antagonized everyone around him, focused on what other people had instead of working to get them himself, and singled out Homer for being lazy when that power plant was enough of a mess already. This episode has some of the deepest and smartest writing The Simpsons has ever seen or will ever see. Next to "Marge vs. the Monorail," this is my favorite episode and a classic all the way. I understand your frustration over "Homer's Enemy," but after this debate, I love it even more.

JAYLYNN: Fair enough. I get your points too and I know there was a message to this episode but I still think it is an Animated Atrocity.

BUSTER: Me too.

SPARKY: Join us next time on the Big Television Debate. Now, back to our show.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is on the couch talking to RK.)

WADE: Come on, RK, you can't stay mad at me forever!

RK: I'm not mad. I just have my arms folded like this because I'm planning to take a selfie later and Buster will be the cameraman.

WADE: But you're supposed to take selfies yourself, that's the whole point.

RK: You see, this is why our generation is going to Hell. There's no point to anything! But seriously, Wade, why didn't you listen to me? You had it made like Special Ed, but you just had to forget what everyone told you and now you have nothing.

WADE: Special Ed's career didn't end like that.

RK: Well, then that's his fault! Still, man, Adriana was hanging on your every move and now you (bleep)ed all of that up.

WADE: Hey, don't you think I rue my decisions as well? I lost my angelic cupcake because of that God-forsaken operant conditioning and I bet being on a first name-basis with her from this point forward is just a pipe dream.

RK: Well, if I were you, I would just stay away from her and wait for things to cool down.

WADE: Why do that? I have to apologize immediately!

RK: Wade, I know you want to fix things now, but you can't reason with someone after a fight. There has to be time to let things calm down so nothing bad happens.

WADE: Forget it! I'm through taking advice from you!

RK: Wade, did you forget that I was the one who helped you and YOU were the one who didn't listen?

WADE: (sighs) You're right. I guess I should just wait to say I'm sorry.

RK: Good. But you know what? I'm going to help you forget about it by getting you in touch with your inner self. Becoming a man again. And when I die, you can take over the family business.

(RK then kisses Wade on the head; long pause)

WADE: I'm running out of ways to say you confound me.

SCENE 12

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is dancing to "Take Over" by Nick Jonas on her computer. Sparky walks in and sees it, and then starts dancing along. Jaylynn sees Sparky dance, Sparky looks up, and the two then give each other awkward stares. Jaylynn then pauses the song.)

SPARKY: Hey.

JAYLYNN: Hey.

SPARKY: I thought you hated the Jonas Brothers.

JAYLYNN: Eh, they're OK, I guess, but I love Nick's new songs. I would turn myself straight just for him. Wait, what are you doing here spying on me?

SPARKY: I just wanted to talk, but I can see you're having one of your episodes, so...

JAYLYNN: No! You never saw that, you never heard that, you never even tasted that. What's going on anyway?

SPARKY: Halley's sister's half-birthday party is coming up and I'm worried about it.

JAYLYNN: I always thought those things were kinda esoteric. Why are you worried?

SPARKY: Because for the first time ever, I'm going to meet Halley's family in person. I don't know what they're going to say to me. Why do you look like Sid the Science Kid? Why do you think you can walk around like you're Don Juan DeMarco because you've been dating our daughter for almost two years? Why do you sound like Rowan Blanchard's kid?

JAYLYNN: They probably won't get that last thing. Sparky, I think you're worrying over nothing. You shouldn't let them get to you because you can't let them see you sweat.

SPARKY: Ooh yeah, I should cover up my sweat, right?

JAYLYNN: No, I mean play it cool. Act like you're not worried about a thing. You have to show them that you're everything Halley talks about.

SPARKY: Yeah. I mean, I'm Sparky MacDougal. I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm...impetuous. I'm...well-read. I'm (licks his finger and spreads it across his hair) a real live bachelor.

JAYLYNN: See, that's the attitude you need to have.

SPARKY: You know what? Thanks Jaylynn. I'm going to go to Brooklyn and come out the man.

JAYLYNN: Wait, the party's in Brooklyn? Like, Brooklyn, New York?

SPARKY: Yeah, of course. That's where Ariel lives. Why?

JAYLYNN: I think you SHOULD be worried about that.

SPARKY: Why?

JAYLYNN: Well, it depends on where you go. If you go to a neighborhood like Canarsie or something, you really wwon't have to worry much about your surroundings. But if you go to Brownsville, you're probably going to end up with a cap in your ass. Believe me, it happened to this one guy on a business trip. Now his ghost haunts Brownsville for senseless violence.

SPARKY: Sounds like you're making this up.

JAYLYNN: But I'm not.

(long pause; Sparky gives Jaylynn a death glare while she stares to the side trying not to laugh)

JAYLYNN: I'm not!

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade are both in their pajamas at night watching TV.)

WADE: RK, I don't see how this is supposed to help me not have thoughts about Adriana.

RK: Wade, when you're thinking about someone who doesn't like you, the best thing to do is laugh at other people's misery. So tonight, we're going to watch an awkward movie: Horrible Bosses.

WADE: I hate Horrible Bosses. And why are we wearing pajamas at 7:00?

RK: I think it's cute. You don't love it too?

WADE: You're nine years old, cut it out.

(The movie starts up)

RK: This is actually a pretty sexy movie because of that dentist. I am in LOVE with that chick. She reminds me of someone though.

WADE: You mean, Jennifer Aniston? The actress who plays her?

RK: Oh yeah, like Jennifer Aniston would ever do this.

(RK chuckles, and then realizes through Wade's bored expression that he's right)

RK: Oh my God. Rachel Green from Friends...is Dr. Julia Harris?!

WADE: Affirmative.

(long pause; RK looks disturbed)

RK: Wade, if you'll excuse me, I gotta...I gotta-I gotta go take a shower.

(RK goes upstairs slowly to do exactly that while Wade continues to watch Horrible Bosses in boredom)

SCENE 14

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is drinking coffee while staring at the window. RK comes in with a package.)

RK: Wade, I know the perfect way to help you get out of your Adriana funk. A good old-fashioned prank. I ordered some real live feces from France a few days ago, and now it's finally come. You can tell it's imported because it smells nice when you first open it.

WADE: 1. I don't want to prank anybody. 2. That's gross. And 3, I'm starting to wonder if you were going to use that feces for something else.

RK: Ah, you're being too negative. This is going to work like gangbusters, you'll see. (RK opens the box to check out the contents) Wait a minute...wait a minute, what the hell? Where's the shit?!

WADE: Check the postal address.

RK: "Buster Newman"? Oh no. That means...

The camera cuts to a shot of Buster's condo while we never actually see him.

BUSTER: Awesome, my imported French cheese is finally here! Let's see here, I...ARE YOU (BLEEP)ING KIDDING ME?!

RK: Why didn't you tell me this was Buster's package?!

WADE: Because I saw it after you opened it.

RK: Oh, that's convenient. Now what am I going to do?

WADE: I don't know, maybe get an idea that actually works?

RK: You know, you've been an asshole ever since you came here and all I've been doing is trying to help because I hate seeing you like this. But go ahead, keep acting like everything sucks. See if I care!

(RK walks away from the kitchen angrily, making Wade disappointed)

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(RK is crying into his pillow which Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows at sadly. Wade walks into the room and Mrs. Tuxedo Pants hisses at him while holding up her claw.)

WADE: RK, look, I'm sorry for what transpired in the kitchen. I really do appreciate everything you've done for me, and you're the best friend a guy can have.

RK: Then why have you been bitching me out so much?

WADE: I don't know. I guess I still hate myself for how I treated Adriana and for not listening to you. This isn't like me. I always follow the rules. I am a firm believer in the straight and narrow lifestyle, then I lose Adriana and all of a sudden the rules change. Why can't this nightmare just end?

RK: Trust me, it is going to end. In fact, it's going to end right now. Go call Adriana and let her know you're sorry and win...her...BACK.

WADE: You're right, RK. Enough's enough. Time to apologize to Adriana and get my life back.

KG: Hey RK, I'm making cinnamon pan...

(KG realizes that Wade is in the room)

KG: ...cakes for two. Just two.

(KG then walks away)

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is calling Adriana while RK is standing by him.)

WADE: Come on, Adriana is always an early riser.

RK: Hey, these things take time, you know.

ADRIANA: Hello?

WADE: Adi, it's me, Wade. Look, I'm really...

ADRIANA: Bye.

(Adriana hangs up, leaving Wade dumbfounded)

WADE: She...she hung up on me. I-I tried apologizing and she rejected me in an instant. Why? I don't understand any of this.

RK: I guess she wants you to do it face-to-face or she's still upset about the whole thing. After breakfast, why don't we talk to Anna? I mean, she might know more about why Adriana's still pissed.

WADE: Yeah, I guess we could ask. Anna's always been street-smart.

RK: Of course, that's why I fell for her. You see, Wade, your homeboy here appreciates the ruffnecks.

(Bell rings and RK goes to get it. The camera stays on Wade the whole time.)

RK: I'll get it. Oh, hey Buster. I think I know why you have that look on your face.

(A splattering sound is heard and RK comes back with brown stuff all over his face)

WADE: I guess he didn't forget.

RK: Yeah, but why waste a whole Snack Pack, you know?

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Sparky's Tree House

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is pacing back and forth, worried.)

SPARKY: Oh man, I can't do this. I don't want to crush Halley but I cannot go to Brooklyn. I'm going to get pounded and mashed and murdered repeatedly.

HALLEY: Sparky, you wanted to see me?

SPARKY: Yes, Halley. Sweet, beautiful, loving Halley. The most gorgeous girl on the planet Earth. (Sparky kisses Halley's hand)

HALLEY: Aw, you're so sweet. So what's up?

SPARKY: Well, um...it's about...it's about...(in his mind) I can't do this. Think of something else. (aloud) Um, it's about me having cystic fibrosis.

HALLEY: What?

SPARKY: Yeah, I just recently got diagnosed with it and even though I barely know anything about it, the doctors want me to stay home for the next month so I can die peacefully.

HALLEY: Sparky, is this about you being scared to go to Ariel's party because of my family AND the fact that it's in Brooklyn?

SPARKY: Damn, you're good. How did you know?

HALLEY: Because I know everything about my boyfriend. Actually, Jaylynn told me but I would have found out before the party.

SPARKY: Look, Halley, I'm sorry but I just can't do it. I really wanted to go with you, but I can't face your family and go into unfamiliar territory.

HALLEY: It's OK. You never had to go anyway, it was your choice. I would have wanted you there, but hey, it's just a half-birthday, right?

SPARKY: Yeah.

HALLEY: Don't worry, I'll just let Ariel know.

SPARKY: You know, you're really cool, you know that?

HALLEY: Of course I am, babe.

(Halley then kisses Sparky)

HALLEY: I think Ariel's going to be the most disappointed though.

SPARKY: Why?

HALLEY: She loves you and wanted you to be there so you could dance and play video games together. But hey, what can you do? See you.

SPARKY: See you. (Sparky stares at Halley as she climbs down the tree house. He starts to feel a bit regretful.) So Ariel really wanted to see me?

SCENE 18

The Revia-Khocholava Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade walk up to the steps of the house, and start knocking.

RK: Hello? Anna? Hmm, I wonder why she's not around. She's an early riser too.

WADE: Eh, maybe she's still sleeping. Try again a little louder and she might hear you.

(knocking on the door louder) RK: ANNA! ANNA, YOU IN THERE?! WE'RE FROM THE I.R.S., YOU OWE US $60 IN BACK TAXES! Crap, that didn't work. Wait a minute. I know exactly what will get her to come out. (imitating Eric Matthews) ANNA?! A-HA-HA-HANNA?! ANNA?! (clears throat) Anna? OK, HO HO HO HO HANNA?! Anna? A-ha-ha-ha-hanna?

WADE: I think you lost her.

RK: Dammit, my first Anna Call and it failed. I should have brought KG, he's way better at screaming.

(Out of nowhere, two people wearing masks put potato sacks over the heads of RK and Wade, tie them up with rope, and start attacking them with nightsticks.)

RK: HEY?! HEY?!

WADE: WHAT THE HELL, YOU BASTARDS, LET US GO!

RK: Yeah, I'll get my big brother on you. OW, THAT WAS IN MY HIP! RIGHT IN THE HIP!

(RK and Wade are then carried over to the black van with a yellow stripe from "The Field Day from Hell," and are thrown in the back. The two assailants make sure it's locked up, get in the front, and then drive away.)

SCENE 19

The camera focuses on RK. His sack is off, but he looks incapacitated and apparently has a black eye. He then gets sprayed with a water hose, along with Wade. It is revealed that the two are tied up back-to-back while sitting in chairs. There is a light shining on them but the rest of the room is completely dark.

RK: HEY, YOU JERKS, LET US GO! I'M GOING TO KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE NUTS AND NO JUDGE WILL EVER INDICT ME FOR IT!

WADE: Yeah, whatever fetish you need to work out on little boys, it doesn't need to be this way.

RK: What?!

WADE: Yeah, I don't know, I could have worded that vastly better.

RK: Well, who are you guys?! (RK rubs his eye and apparently he doesn't have a black eye) And why was there grape popsicle residue on my face?!

(The assailants slowly walk up to RK and Wade, and take off their masks. It's Adriana and Anna.)

WADE: Holy (bleep).

RK: I'm kinda turned on and scared at the same time.

ANNA: We did this because we know what you guys did.

RK: Leave the blueberry muffin in the vegetable crisper? Look, I was going to save it for later, but I was tired and...

ANNA: No, not that! Wait, that was you?

(RK chuckles nervously)

ANNA: We're talking about your reinforcements.

ADRIANA: Yeah. How you get to take advantage of girls?

(RK and Wade stare at each other worried)

RK: I don't remember that happening.

WADE: Yeah, me either. I think it was the number man that did that, get him instead.

(to RK) ANNA: You used it on me weeks ago. Remember?

(to Wade) ADRIANA: And you've been using it on me for days, haven't you?

RK: I obviously did it, but I don't really see what the problem is if it brought us closer together. You were getting distant, I used it twice and that's it. I just needed it to save our relationship.

ANNA: Wait a minute. You used it because you wanted my attention again and I wasn't giving it to you?

RK: Yes, that was my ONLY intention. I love you and I would never take advantage of you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were an object.

ANNA: Awww, RK...

(Anna hugs RK and then kisses him)

ADRIANA: OK, so what's your explanation?

WADE: The same thing as RK.

ADRIANA: But you used it way more than he did.

WADE: I know, I got carried away. Look, Adriana, I'm going to be honest. I may be smart, but if there's one thing I've never really had my pulse on, it's girls. I don't understand them well enough but when I'm with you, I feel like none of that matters because you accept me for who I am and what I believe in. After you kept snubbing me, I wanted your attention again so I took RK's advice and I abused it. Adi, I'm really sorry for how I treated you. I hate myself for what I did and I promise I will never treat you like that again. I know how it feels.

(on the brink of tears) ADRIANA: I can't stay mad at you, that was so sweet! I forgive you and I love you! (Adriana starts kissing Wade all over his face while RK and Anna watch with happiness)

ANNA: Come on, let's get them out of these ropes.

(Adriana and Anna then untie RK and Wade. Anna turns on the light to the house which is Adriana's, and Adriana turns off the lamp)

WADE: So why were you so upset the first time anyway?

ADRIANA: I don't know. I started thinking about Diana again and I got really depressed. I still can't believe what she did. We were best friends for life.

RK: You know what? Diana deserved to die, she was a scumbag.

WADE: Yeah, and don't worry, you can tell me about anything that's bothering you. If I'm going to understand girls, I better start with the one I love.

ADRIANA: Awww.

ANNA: Oh yeah, and sorry about the whole beating you with sticks and tying you up thing.

RK: Yeah, what was that about?

ADRIANA: Well, I told Anna about Wade and after we figured out the whole reinforcement thing, we wanted revenge.

RK: Hmmmm, well played. Hey Anna, you wouldn't mind...doing something like that later on, would ya?

ANNA: Does Cosby lie?

(long pause)

RK: You so get me.

(RK and Wade walk out of Adriana's house a little wiser)

RK: You know what, Wade? I think we learned a valuable lesson today.

WADE: Affirmative. Our female companions are not toys. To get on their level, we have to just talk to them.

RK: Yup. Reach out and use c...c-c-communication.

WADE: Dude, are you OK, you look a little pale.

RK: Yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky is sitting down with Buster and Jaylynn at his side)

BUSTER: Dude, just go, you'll have a great time in Brooklyn.

SPARKY: Yeah, whatever happened to the guy who never learned how to fear?

BUSTER: Hey, you know me. Crazy Buster with his weirdo stories again.

JAYLYNN: I agree with Buster, go to Ariel's party and have fun. And hey, at least Halley will be there.

SPARKY: Mmmm, Halley. You know what? I'll go. No city is going to have ME running scared. What could possibly go wrong anyway?

SCENE 21

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

A FEW WEEKS LATER...

(Sparky comes in, back from Brooklyn. He looks almost traumatized.)

BUSTER: Hey, our leader's back!

RK: How was New York City...again?

SPARKY: Fine, fine, it was alligator souffle all the way.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, what happened? Did you get robbed there?

SPARKY: No.

BUSTER: Did something happen to Halley?

SPARKY: No.

RK: You got drunk, turned out, forced to listen to the whole Pinkprint album?

SPARKY: No.

WADE: Then what happened?

(The four all stand close to Sparky, waiting for his answer)

SPARKY: THAT CAKE WAS (BLEEP)ING NASTY!

(black screen)

(standing inside an empty CenturyLink Field) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Electric Relaxation" by A Tribe Called Quest playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS