Chapter one
Why did he have to do this to me!? Not again, I repeatedly told my self, not again, sliding down the wall of my bedroom squeezing my head in my hands, He would not make me feel bad for him for telling the truth, trying to explain my feelings. Confusing myself, how could I expect him to understand when I couldn't understand myself, surely someone else must of felt like this. At one time or another someone must have known what it feels like to be me. To know that you love someone so dearly but do not want to be with them, how am I supposed to explain that I see him as a brother, no not even a brother, I wouldn't lie, I do not see James as a brother we have been through so much and he gets my attention in such a way that would be illegal if he were. I love him but I need time apart, yes that is it. I need time alone.
That is how most of my days go by now, trying to work up the courage to do something I want so badly but dreading it so completely. I had been with James for years now I didn't want to loose him although it would be best for both of us if we separated, easier. I hated feeling this way, hated feeling so empty especially when I had no real reason to be...I just was, there wasn't a problem I could point to as the cause of my troubles and fix it . Walking home was always my favourite part of the day, I was alone and I could clear my head easily without having to worry about hurting other peoples feelings with my mental absence.
England was beautiful this time of year all the trees were just starting to turn into their magnificent shades of orange and red dancing in the soft breeze and it couldn't be a more comforting site. I lived in a nice part of the country, not to far from London but not to far into the rural country side either. Letchworth garden city, this was the name of my town apparently it is supposed to contain all the benefits of the city without any of its down falls and all the benefits of the countryside. My home is located close to the town centre so it isn't exactly a long walk back, ten minutes tops. We are not a rich family in fact the very opposite. My family and I live in a semi detached council house,3 bedrooms,1 bathroom, 4 people. Sighing to myself as I rounded the corner which lead to my house I pulled my hands further into James's jumper, I didn't have the money to buy a new winter coat yet. I didn't mind not being rich, but I wouldn't mind if we didn't have to struggle as much.
Stepping through my front door I could hear my mothers laughter running through the house, its amazing how much one person can go through and still keep smiling. My mother and I are very different she is optimistic, dark haired ,tall ,very tanned and plump , I am negative, about 5 foot 3 inches blonde(albeit bleach),pale with a slim but curvy build .
"Kayla, your home early" My mothers voice was shocked and surprised but definitely happy that I hadn't been wondering the streets again. I swear if she could she would have a CCTV camera on me at all times just to make sure I was ok.
"Yeah, I caught an earlier train back from college and I didn't really feel like saying hello to any of my friends down at the pub" laughing inwardly to myself as I said this. Drinking is number one on her lists of 'don't ever do Kayla or you won't see the light of day for the next twelve months'.
She simply rolled her eyes at me and said that dinner was in the oven, great jacket potatoes again, I must have had them every day for the past week. I loved my mum but she wasn't much of a cook, not that I was either. I took out the potato that was destined to be mine and sprinkled what my brother would call an unhealthy amount of cheese on it and took it with upstairs so I could get down to what I loved, drawing but not before changing into my pjs and settling in for a long night. Today was Wednesday and James would be down for the weekend on Friday. I hope I'm ready for this. I have to go to college tomorrow but will have the hole of Friday to prepare.
I snuck out of the front door and quietly closed it behind me trying my best not to wake anyone else up. I pulled on my gloves trying to cover up every inch of my exposed skin as the cold wind bit at my hands and cheeks, it was early in the morning and the streets were mostly deserted aside from the odd commuter. Snow had fallen last night and the wind was particularly sharp, wishing nothing more then to have a cup of steaming hot chocolate in my hands I headed off towards the station hoping that the queue for tickets wouldn't be that long, I couldn't afford to miss my train again Ms Hunt would have my head. It doesn't matter to her that I live far away from the college and have to rely on trains that only run every hour to get me there.
I brought my tickets and headed through the barriers I thought that it was about time now to get my steaming hot chocolate and I couldn't help the smile that spread over my face. Walking up to the cashier I pulled out my purse to get ready to pay I told the lady my order and waited impatiently for it to arrive, she handed me my hot chocolate as I handed her the money, £2.00 for a regular hot chocolate what a rip off! Its not like it even tastes that nice. I was turning to leave not really noticing what I was doing when I stupidly walked into somebody, spilling my hot chocolate all over the unfortunate victim.
"oh my god, I am so sorry" I cannot believe this, this was going to be such a bad day and what a waste of £2.00. I hesitated looking up at the stranger for the first time, What do I do? What if he starts arguing with me? I can't stand confrontation I don't even know what to say.
"don't worry about it, it was old anyway." His words were soothing but his tone was cold. I visibly flinched and reluctantly pulled my gaze towards his face and away from the floor. He looked amazing, even with hot chocolate dripping down his top he looked good, his hair was a black colour with a blue tint definitely not natural and was arranged in a messy style which flicked out at his ears and swept just above his eyebrows. I couldn't tell the colour of his eyes exactly they were too dark so my guess was that they were a very dark brown. He was well dressed in a simply black top that was now smeared and jeans but anyone could see he was well built. His skin was clear and his features were perfect, he wasn't the most good looking person in the world, but there wasn't exactly anything wrong with him either.
Just then he smirked at me. Oh dear how embarrassing he had just caught me drooling over him like a twelve year old. I looked away and apologised to him once more before rushing out of the station cafe without a second look. I don't think this day can get any worse.
On the train I plugged in my iPod and started playing one of my favourite songs for the mood I was in right now. I couldn't believe what I had done earlier today, that poor man, I hope he wasn't going anywhere important I didn't want to ruin anyone else's day. I started to look out of the window watching the scenery go past. The people on the train were being rude as usual, that's was the problem with getting the train this early in the morning its filled with business men who do not care about anyone else but themselves, putting their laptop bags on the seats so no one can sit down next to them. This annoyed me more then anything people were standing up and squeezing into any available space and they couldn't even be bothered to create space and move out of the way for any one they didn't know. So I tried to ignore them as much as I could until Chloe got on the train and when she did she would be sure to laugh at me for the incident earlier. Chloe was a great friend, very stubborn sometimes but I didn't mind, we got on easily and she is the closest to me out of our circle of friends, not that there were many.
As the train began to pull into Stevenage station I took out my headphones and started to put them away in my bag. Chloe stepped onto the train as the masses of business people started to get off, pushing and shoving. Stevenage was a big stop and a lot of people would get off there, it is very much a big town and nothing like Letchworth, it also said to have the highest young adult pregnancy rate in Europe. Typical. Chloe walked up to me with that famous smile of hers and sat down awkwardly on the seat opposite me. You were lucky if you didn't get a seat that was falling apart and or dropping through the floor, not the most comfortable thing to sit on first thing in the morning.
I smiled back and decided to ask her how her night went as I don't really feel like getting into my embarrassing tale just yet, knowing Chloe she would still be talking by the time we got to college leaving me shame free till at least lunch.
"Nothing much." she replied simply "just stuck doing all that anatomy and physiology homework, I swear what do they think they are training us for, I thought I signed up for a beauty course I'm not training to be a bloody doctor!"
This made me burst out laughing, which earned me a few dirty looks from the self proclaimed 'upper class' on the train. I could always count on her to cheer me up; we had the exact same sense of humour. "Of course you are Chloe what do you think we've been doing all this time." I said while laughing.
We carried on like that bitching, moaning and laughing until we strolled into the college campus when she unfortunately brought the topic of conversation onto me.
"So, what have you been up to then I know it's got to be more exciting then what I've done." Well she was definitely right about that. I quickly skipped over everything that had happened and I wasn't surprised with the questions she was asking. Of course she was only interested in one thing.
"He was fit then?" she kept asking, as if I hadn't told her 20 times already.
"yes Chloe I told you! A million times allre" I stopped short looking in front of me to the canteen. He was here! What the bloody hell was he doing here! Why was I so surprised? This is college he's obviously taking a course here. What did I honestly think he was doing here, looking for me? Yeah right.