Giving Up to Keep

Disclaimer: I own only Lola and Gracen, no one else!

A/n-Keira, thanks for the title! I appreciate all the help you give me.

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Am I nuts? How can I give up someone this precious?

My thoughts confuse me as I watch Gracen Jade getting passed around the room. From Randy to Chris to John and then back to Randy. I knew when I went into this I wouldn't see her as much as a 'normal' mother.

Gracie is barely an hour old. Glancing to my left, I see John and Randy. They're cooing over her. Rolling onto my right side, I see Chris, my husband.

"You're doing great," he says, mouthing the words. It's as if he knows it's killing me to give up this child.

Forty-one weeks

That's how long I've known Gracen. She was implanted in me on January 17th. She was born on Halloween.

That was a big disappointment to Lola, my four year old. She wanted to go 'Twick or Tweating wit' Daddy'.

I'm so proud of Lola. Blonde hair and blue eyes, just like Chris.

Why did I agree to this? I knew it would break my heart, I think.

Giving up Gracen is the single hardest thing I've ever done. She's beautiful. She's got Randy's blue eyes and a head full of dark unruly wild hair. I can't say it enough. She's beautiful.

"Would you like to hold her?" Randy's voice penetrates my thoughts. Slowly, I nod.

Randy sets the child in my arms. At first, the soft pink blanket hides her face. Gently, I move the blanket away from her face. Her eyes connect with my eyes. Softly, I gasp as I realize something.

I know her.

First, Gracie looks like Lola, when my princess was a baby. Secondly, this face has been in my dreams, since I got pregnant.

It's funny how women get so close to someone they barely know.

"Welcome, Gracen. We've been waiting," I say. She yawns. I grin.

"What can we ever do to repay you?" John, a good friend and Randy's boyfriend, asks.

"Everyone should know the love of a child," I say and it's true. I thank God every day for Lola Rae.

With my permission, John takes Gracie. Each word he says to her is full of emotion. I can tell he'll be a good dad.

Randy hands me an envelope. I accept it, puzzled. As I begin to read, I can understand.

10/30/08 11:50 PM

Dear Trish,

As I write this, you are in labor with our child. I have accepted your request and am staying in the waiting room with John.

Trisha, thank you. You have given us something we have wanted for so long. I am honored to share custody of Gracie with you.

Not a lot of women have the strength to do what you're doing. John and I will be forever grateful for this.

Trish, there is so much I want to tell you. I can't though. I don't know how to word it and it comes out all funny.

You know me, Trisha. You know Gracen's not going to want for anything.

Thank you so much.

Love,

Randy

I glance to Randy. His big blue eyes tell me how grateful he is. He has wanted this baby for so long. That much is obvious.

Chris, John and Randy head to the nursery with Gracie. I am left alone in my thoughts. I pull out a yellow legal pad and black pen out of my bag. I put pen to paper and began to write.

10/31/08

Dear Gracen,

Hello, Baby Girl. As I write this, you are barely an hour old.

At five-sixteen PM, you, Gracen Jade, were born. You weighed six pounds, two ounces and were twenty-two inches long.

You are absolutely perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, absolutely perfect.

That's all I can write. I'm too choked up with tears.

I wonder if I'll ever get over this. My heart is literally about to break. Then, I remember Mom's philosophy.

Do what you feel is best for your child. You, as the mother, are the only one qualified to make that decision.

I figure Mom was right.

Giving Gracie up is tough, but we have joint custody. She'll live with us in three months.

Until then, I won't worry. I know John and Randy will love her.

THE END