AN: Hello everybody, yet another poem about Remus and his mental state after Sirius' death. I just can't seem to get off this subject, oh well and happy/merry belated christmas wishes and a happy new year to all :)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own HP, sadly :(
How to Describe the Essence of Emptiness
What is this feeling, that has burrowed itself inside my soul, leaving nothing by an aching after-effect. Every day seems darker than the one before, it scares me. I cannot sit still without anxiously awaiting the impending break that we are all waiting for. They think I do not seem them; the lingered glances of concern or worry I do, I know there watching, waiting till I fall. The thing is I just can't seem to care anymore. Theres this darkness inside thats devouring me and I just can't seem to stop it. The days pass by, slowly blending into each other I lose sense of time, of even reality itself. Scanning through the blurried memories I try, try to remember where it all began, suddenly I know.
Not a memory as such, not a sight or even a picture to place, just a feeling, a cold, cold feeling; eerie and dissillusioned. I don't remember even experencing this before, I know deep down in my heart, if i even have one, if it hasn't been desicated and degraded over the years, cremated to ash, the substance of a rotting, sticky tar, that this feeling I can taste is in all the being they call death.
That is where this all began in the name of death but also in the name of love too it seems, If I can wade back past the uncertainities in these murky memories that I have lived. A lingering squeeze of a hand, a light peck of soft lips upon an even softer cheek. I remember now I can see it now. Yet the emptiness I have always felt still remains, it's too late for me, death has made me it's victim, not by taking me but by taking everything I live for.
Five years on a baby is settled in my arms and a ring on my finger, yet the emptiness still remains the same. I don't think I'll ever forget the taste of death again, not after this, not after how much I've lost. Yet in spite of it all I am the dammed epitomine of happiness. Only death knows the real me; the one bitter and broken, owned and desagrated by time and death himself. However none of this matters in the world of the living. Emptiness is a stain inflicting itself upon my being, a stain that holds no cure. I know this stain will lead me to taste all that is death once more, it's just a matter of time. For now though I am alone. Left with nothing more than a diseased memory.
Why? Why did it have to be this way?
I do not know. All that is clear to me is the emptiness that has devoured and delievered me into darkness. I try to corrosponde words with this feeling;
pain
deciet
misfortune
betrayl
hurt
decay
torture
darkness
None of them seem to fit, they just echo mindlessly inside my skull driving me insane in search of an answer. Thats when I know this feeling with never leave, I'm not really sure it existed in the first place. I know though that it's doing what it set out to do.
forcing me to remember all that has been long forgotten in the deepest pits of my mind, all that he was, all that we were.
Sirius.
I miss you.
AN: Always appreciate any body willing to review. I also hope my spelling and grammar are okay in this, I know I have a tendency to abuse commas but who doesn't from time to time :)