A/N Characters not created by me (including the SASman and his children), belong to Valve and J. Michael Straczynski.
It was in the middle of summer, and in Culiacán, a tall, but fairly old, man in a British Army uniform, released only eleven years ago, was drinking tea at a café. The man's pipe was on the table, and a gramophone was sitting nearby. His pack was next to him. Despite the heat, he was wearing a naval sweater, a shirt and a vest under his jacket. No one asked questions, not to a man with a G3 Assault Rifle next to him, a Lewis HMG across his back, PE4 under his jacket or a military grade foil in a scabbard. He had just arrived from England by boat. The man's hair was in a ponytail and had not been cut recently, had two big mustachios, and wore glasses for eyesight reasons. However, his face and rifle stopped people from laughing.
General Franklin Smith was one of the best in the English SAS, and a personality to match. Tough as nails, the general was able to survive on his own for years, and he enjoyed going on missions, mainly because he could kill people. One of his legs had been cut off for food one particularly cold winter when Franklin had run out of food and couldn't get any from his surroundings. Despite this, he still kept going as his medical skills and his metalworking abilities meant that he forged a replacement limb. Although he limped a bit for a few minutes afterwards, the new limb was fine.
A woman approached him, and he turned his head towards her. She asked him:
"General Smith?"
The 7'3" tall general saluted her and said:
"Indeed I am, and you are Miss Pauling, the Administrator's assistant?"
"I am."
"Sit down."
Miss Pauling sat down, and continued talking.
"I hear you are looking for a new job, ever since you got kicked out of the SAS."
"I wasn't kicked out." said Franklin, raising the G3 and taking the safety catch off.
"What happened then?"
"I... resigned. I was past the retirement age. The boys were good about my age, but I am beginning to slow down."
"How old were you when you left?"
"57."
"How did you stay that long in the SAS?"
"I was one of the best. Out of everybody."
"Do you have a wife if you put so much into your career?"
"I did, but she died after the birth of our second child."
"Looking after your children must have been hard."
"Not really - my daughter, Konstanze, always looked after Arnold, my son. Konstanze takes after me, and Arnold after his mother. They're inside the café. Both of them want a job as well. Konstanze wants to be involved with helping the team's doctor, and Arnold as an ammo technician."
Mrs Pauling talked about the job she was offering Franklin. He started to smile more and more.
"Sounds like quite a party." said Franklin
"Will you join?" asked Miss Pauling.
"Will I keep my rank?"
"Yes. Will you join?"
"Do mice like cheese?"
"I'll take that as a yes."
They both got up.
"Say goodbye to your life sitting around cafés. Welcome to your new job, General Smith. Report to the Administrator when you arrive. Do you want me to take you?"
"No, I'll make my own way. My children can go with you, if possible."
Eleven days later, the general, with his pipe in his mouth, was walking along the dusty road to Teufort, New Mexico, when a Land Rover camper van came up behind them. The driver's window went down, and a head with a wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses came out of the window.
"Do you need a lift, mate?"
"I will – this is taking longer than I thought."
"You're a Pommie, ain't you?"
"I am, and you're an Aussie."
"Where you going?"
"Teufort."
"New recruit?"
"Yes."
"Your name?"
"Franklin Smith, General. And yours?"
"Mr. Mundy. Laurence Mundy. Get in."
"Ehm, Laurence, I've noticed that you're wearing Argyll. And you're smoking a pipe. Individually, they make you look like an idiot. Together, they make you look smart AND stylish! Just like Umberto Eco!"
"Thanks mate!"
After a long drive in Mr Mundy's camper, they finally arrived at Teufort. As they got out, Laurence shouted to the rest of the team.
"Oi, lads! We've got ourselves a new recruit!"
This got a fairly good response.
"Our influence grows." said Jacques Rameau.
"Prepare for your examination." said Fritz Krutz.
"Some people think they can outsmart me - maybe... maybe. I have yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet." said Ivan Tolkovski.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!" shouted Mr Jane Doe.
"Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother... I hurt people." stated John Cyrus Pimentel.
"Mpphhh mphh mphhhh mphhh mhh!" mumbled Mr O'Neil.
"I like to make things." stated Dell Conagher.
"Guts and glory, lads!" shouted Tavish DeGroot.
"Well, it sounds like you've been having a party over here, so I came to join in the fun." said Franklin.
As the team were walking away, Laurence whispered to Franklin:
"Don't steal my lunch mate, or you'll be in for a very nasty surprise!"
Franklin went to the Administrator's office. He knocked on the door, and the Administrator bid him enter. The Administrator had a cigarette in her mouth, and she took it out when she told him to sit in front of her. The general marched over to the desk, tuned, stood to attention, saluted, and promptly sat down, with much whirring of machinery from his leg.
"I gather you have already met Mrs. Davis and the rest of the RED team." said the Administrator, exhaling a large cloud of smoke.
"Yes ma'am." replied Franklin.
On the Administrator's desk, a file was open. Franklin's.
"D.O.B 18/10/1913. Country of origin: England. Pointless information, but where do you come from?"
"Dorset, Ma'am."
"Never been there. Never been in the South-West, as I lived in London most of my life before I came here. Now, I'm hiring you to be the Red Team's SAS man, a combination of most of the good traits of the team, like disguising and healing. However, your mobility is slightly impaired, and you are vulnerable to sniper bullets and fire. I know of your abilities, but I want you to report to Fritz Krutz, your medic, for a medical analysis, and Dell, your engineer, to check over your leg. I instructed the BLU Team's SAS man to do this, and I expect you to do the same. I allow mercenaries to use their personal names, but I prefer my employees to use their colleges' class names. This allows us to establish a strong, trusting friendship, and allows classes anonymity if they want it. Fritz Krutz, your medic, will have your medical records. No more personal details are allowed to be told to anyone else on the team. Your contract will be for the next 20 years on all areas of conflict from now. Your first assignment will be tomorrow, a special one that will require all the people on your team.
"Before you leave, it says here that you've become immortal, which is like your counterpart."
"Yes, I am immortal. Konstanze followed me, and is immortal also."
"Well, dismissed General."
Franklin followed the Administrator's instructions. This meant his leg had a few tweaks made to it, an Über device fitted to his heart, and a re-spawn chip implanted into his brain. The following day, the Administrator told the two teams to check the corkwood sheet that served as a news board in their bases. Franklin checked it, and as the first there, took the only sheet off it. He read it. The rest of his team arrived. John asked him about it.
"We have to do an adaptation to Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. I am aware that you did something similar some time ago, but this is a second test of team superiority at acting. Jacques will have to be a female, and, like last time, we have been put into roles. These are as follows:
Jane – Benedick
John – Claudio
O'Neil – Dogberry
Ivan – Leonato
Fritz – Antonio
Jacques – Beatrice
Tavish – Verges
Dell – Friar Francis
Laurence – Sexton
"Balthazar, Boratio, Conrade, messenger, watchmen, boy, lord, Hero, Margaret, Ursula and extras need to be recruited from the New Mexican people. A new director will film your attempts of the play, using your battlegrounds as scenery, as well as being allowed to go to the nearest town to film scenes that you want filmed there. Marks will be presented for presentation, language accuracy, choice of scenery, character portrayal and the like. You will not be marked down for your accents, and mercenaries are not allowed to change their characters, or it will damage our strong, trusting relationship. There will be no shooting the opposing team, or you will fail this assignment. Music must be chosen to suit what is happening. There will be a month for Acts 1 & 2, a second month for Acts 3 & 4, followed by a fortnight for Act 5, and a week for editing. Your plays must be rehearsed and recorded in this time. There will be a week-long break between each month, and part way through the third month. Use your time wisely, as you will not be given any more. Administrator."
"No way!" exclaimed John in his rather annoying Boston accent.
"You may have to act through the entire play, mon ami, but I have to act through the entire play as a girl." stated Jacques.
"I know where the Administrator's coming from for you, because you're French, and the French supposed to good at acting, but having O'Neil act is a bad idea."
"I've read the play, but as O'Neil is playing Dogberry, it doesn't matter – Dogberry mangles every word he says." the Jacques said.
"Tavish, Dell, Laurence and O'Neil, seeing that they have less acting to do, will search for actors, design costumes and such. The rest of us will rehearse our lines and memorise them." added Fritz.
The first week went by. Progress was made, and most empty roles were filled by New Mexican people. The places that the filming was going to take place were chosen, the 1812 Overture was chosen because of the different moods in it, and the costumes were coming along nicely.
At the end of the second week, the team had managed to record their version of Act 1. Some mistakes were made, but all were small and unnoticeable to all but the most experienced critic. The team, eager to move on, rehearsed their second act, and recorded it at the end of the fourth week. The RED team, after a month of fairly had physical and mental work, enjoyed the week break before moving onto Act 3 and 4. Some of them, like John and Ivan, were playing games on their Playstation3 (which Franklin called the 'Gaystation3') or, when they got annoyed by this and changed to the Xbox 360, Franklin referred to it as the 'Crapbox 360'. Fritz supported Ivan on the games he played, and O'Neil supported John. Franklin, Jacques, and Laurence practiced their aim on the firing range.
Acts 3 and 4 were recorded. Once, O'Neil messed up what he, or maybe even she, was saying, but nobody noticed, as he was mumbling like he always does and Dogberry messes up everything he says.
During the second week-long break, Franklin looked into who Saxton Hale was.
Act 5 was recorded two weeks later, and the recorded play was edited. The SAS man disappeared and reappeared several days later during their editing week. The night before it was submitted to the Administrator, the RED team watched their Much Ado about Nothing in its entirety. After watching it, Jane said: "We suck."
"No, we don't." said Franklin.
"I have personally killed 6,078 men in cold blood while looking them in the eye; jumped on 1,455 live grenades; and stuffed fourteen feet of my own intestine back into my stomach.
If that doesn't scare you out of your frilly pink leotard, guess what: You are an idiot and you hate America."
"Well, Saxton Hale has personally killed over 90,000 men in cold blood while looking them in the eye; jumped on 133,700 live grenades; and stuffs fourteen feet of steak directly into his own intestines on a daily basis. If that doesn't scare you out of your 30-year-old baggy trousers, guess what: you are a dead man and you hate Australia, TF2, Valve, computers, and (presumably) Xbox live. Worst of all, you hate Saxton Hale. It was nice knowing you, sergeant."
This insult Jane, and the rest of the team held their breath.
"You're accent is laughable." said Jane to the SAS man.
"To be honest Jane, giggling at Saxton Hale's Australian accent is rated by Satan himself as the fastest and messiest way to Hell. And if you didn't know, I'm on very good terms with Mr. Hale, so if you laugh at me, you laugh at Saxton Hale."
Jane tried to taunt the SAS man by screaming and waving his shovel around.
"Saxton Hale's taunt is a nuke. Sergeant, you will be placed on a fizzer for two days starting tomorrow morning due to a case of arguing with a senior officer. Dismissed!" said Franklin.
"I'll...I'll be in my bunk, and if I die, you'll know what happened." stuttered Jane Doe.
"Well, are we all just gonna sit 'ere or are we post this off to the Administrator?" asked Dell.
"If anything needs improving, we've just three hours before our deadline of Friday 28 November. Personally, I'd send it and get lower marks for it because it's rubbish than sent it in late and it being very good but cheesing off everybody else in the process. Send it." stated Laurence.
The following day, the team heard over the speakers in their base crackle into life.
"Out of 100 marks, BLU gained 89 overall, and I am impressed by them. However, RED got... 95 marks, and I am very, very impressed."
This got cheers and mild celebrations from the RED team who had got up early, like high-fives, and Tavish took a swig from his trusty bottle of scrumpy. The speakers came back to life again.
"For the blood-thirsty of you in RED, you may go on your customary killing spree of BLU, and all of you will get to go on holiday to Barbados."
Franklin was lying on a beach with his towel under him and the sky above him. John was nearby, and, as he had board-shorts and nothing else on, it was fairly obvious what he was going to do. Laurence was on a hilltop looking around the island. O'Neil was lying near Franklin, and, despite the heat, still hadn't taken his, or her, gasmask off. Tavish was drunk, and had a small supply of Scrumpy near him. Jane was trying to beat up every living creature he could find in the sea, even if it meant swimming over to it and clobbering it over the head with a shovel. Ivan and Fritz were sunbathing, with only their trousers still on. Jacques was leaning on a post, smoking a cigarette. Dell was sitting in the shade of the Dispenser he had erected, while a Sentry beeped close by.
Franklin relaxed. He was thinking of his newest friend, Saxton Hale.
Soon after he insulted Jane, other team-mates had told him about Saxton. Things like when Saxton Hale made John build his own damn Dispenser. Then beat him with it. Alternatively, when a bunch of animals are in one place, it's called Saxton Hale's lunch. Unless it's a snack. According to Fritz, Saxton Hale can headshot you with the black box loaded with degreasers while drinking mad milk and flossing his teeth with the bushwacka while wearing familiar fez during the alpha phase of Team Fortress 2, and, once, John said "I, eat, your Breakfast Steaks!" to Saxton Hale and has worn those bandages on his arms ever since.
Twenty years later, Franklin's mind was still going back to the time he was on Barbados. When they returned to Teufort, Franklin was pushing the payload and capturing points like the rest of them.
During his time on Well six months later, Franklin managed to destroy the Train. That cheesed off Jane and Tavish, but the rest of the team were impressed. They would be, with a 58 year old who could take out something that strong.
In November, Franklin started getting bored. At dinner one evening, he was chatting away to Dell and Jacques, when he started talking about what might happen.
"Well, the Administrator should let us have a little bit of variation." said Franklin.
"Non, ze Administrator wants us to fight her way, over zis little war between Blutarch and Redmond." replied Jacques.
"Spook's right, General, but I can unner'stand where ya coming from, what with ya bein' a lea'er an' an org'niser, so y'wanna fight ya own way." said Dell.
"I guess that the only variation we're going to get is from that author... b**s, I've just broken down the forth wall!" cursed Franklin.
"I did not know that you swear in French, mon ami, but zhere is nothing we can do about ze forth wall. Have we got ze fact that zhere is nothing we can do about ze forth wall?" shouted Jacques.
"Spook, I just reckon that you need a lidl' R&R. What do you think about that?" asked Dell.
Suddenly, a voice boomed out.
"STICK TO THE SCRIPT, CONNAGHER. I AM THE AUTHOR HERE, AND I AM WRITING THIS, NOT YOU, SO YOU DO AND SAY WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. STICK TO THE SCRIPT, THE LOT OF YOU. BLU IS, BY GETTING SLAUGHTERED BY YOU LOT. I CAN GET YOU FOR THIS, EVEN IF IT MEANS KILLING YOU ALL WITH SAXTON HALE, BECAUSE I CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN. AT ALL. FRANKLIN, CONSIDER THIS PAYMENT FOR WHAT YOU DID."
A choking noice came from Arnold, which got worse, which stopped when he flopped over, quite limp. Fritz checked him.
"I am sorry, General, but Arnold isn't breathing, he doesn't haf a pulse, can't re-spawn, and he is very dead. Now, he vas in ze prime of life, so ze organs should be useful. Unless, of course, you order he not be opened..."
"Don't do it."
"But General-"
"No. I'm not having it happen again. He'll... raise him up, then kill him again!"
"NOT STRICTLY TRUE, AS I'M NOT THAT EVIL. NOW, MESS AROUND, BUT STICK TO THE SCRIPT! I'VE GOT SOME BABYLON 5 THAT I WANT TO WATCH."
Ivan started talking, but he didn't get far.
"No! We need author, we-"
"NOW, WHERE WAS I? AH YES, ARNOLD JUST DIED. LETS GET THIS OVER WITH."
On December 20th, directly a month afterwards, a truce was made, and snow was thick on the ground. A rather battered tree, with a couple of scorch marks showing who had got it, was in the main foyer of the RED base. There were a few petty decorations around the RED base, and the Intelligence was covered in holly, resulting in a jab of pain for anyone who touched it.
The team was in two groups – Franklin, Laurence, Ivan, Dell and Jacques on one side, the rest of the team on the other, save for O'Neil who didn't want to join in, as the team was having a massive snowball fight. Several snowballs went into people's gobs, mainly Ivan's because he was shouting lots, and people fell over concealed objects in the snow, like Tavish and the rather thick tree root.
When they all tired of that, they went back inside their base, and collapsed on their old and battered sofas. Konstanze and Franklin made hot drinks for their team-mates, and their recent rivalry still prominent in their minds, leading to several nasty glares in their tiny communal kitchen.
Franklin was talking to Laurence about his (Laurence's) plans involving him and his family.
"So, do you have any plans to see your parents over the festive season?" asked Franklin.
"Nah, mate. Me parents and I don't talk much apart from the occasional letter and phone call. Ya see, they didn't want me to be a sniper, or even be in the military. "
"Ah, I get where you're coming from. It was the same with me and Konstanze. Didn't want her fighting, but she did, and now look at her. Lost part of her foot and a good right eye in the same day. Soon came to her senses and left."
"Why's she her then?"
"Came travelling with me, saw there were vacancies here, and joined with me. Couldn't stop her, being that she's twenty-three and out of my jurisdiction."
December 24th, 23:58.
Soot became dislodged in the chimney. The Fat Man in the Red Suit came down. He checked no-one was around, then got down to business. What he didn't know was that a gun was pointed at his back.
The muffled shot woke up Konstanze, and the quiet scream made her suspicious. Funny, who was shooting at this time of night? She woke her father who had fallen asleep on the couch next to her, who put on his overcoat and and officer's peaked cap. He went to his gun rack and asked where his G3 had gone. Konstanze had no idea. The two ran to where the shot came from. They found John there, along with Tavish.
"Who on earth would, and has, shot St. Nick?" asked Franklin.
"We'd like to know the same thing, lad." replied Tavish.
The rest of the team arrived, Ivan last, with varying degrees of emotion.
"He's lost a lot of blood, but he should be fine if we get him to the Doc's surgery quickly. He has that ceiling-mounted medi-gun we can use. It's better than Doc running there and back for his portable medi-gun." said Jane.
Ivan slung the injured man across his shoulder, and went to the Fritz's surgery. The Medic went with him. Jacques crept off to the Administrator's office, as she had colour CCTV there, and Franklin snooped around for his G3. Eventually, he found it in the Intelligence room behind the desk. He found the others watching the footage of the assassination attempt.
"He comes down the chimney, looks around, and, as he sets off, zhere!" said Jacques.
"A blue peaked cap? And a... G3?" asked Jane.
"As far as suspicions go then, it's BLU's SAS man?" asked Dell.
"No, I've just found my G3 in the Intel room behind the desk, and don't the BLU Medic, Heavy, and Soldier have peaked caps? Anyway, if twenty-one of the mercenaries are asleep, then the one that is still awake can run around and disguise himself as anyone else that they chose." asked Franklin.
"Of course!" muttered Dell.
"BLU iz defiantly involved. I noticed a blue flicker outside Franklin's room at 11:56 PM on ze tapes, meaning zhat my BLU counterpart iz involved." said Jacques.
"I'll talk to General Sheridan, my counterpart on BLU. He can put Francois Lamagne, their spy, in detention, and the rest of them, apart from himself, on a fizzer for fourteen days unless they admit their guilt, in which case, it will be a detention for them."
"Isn't a detention what you get at school?" asked John.
"And why won't you ask Sheridan to put himself on a fizzer?" asked Jane.
"No, John, a detention in the army is given for offences which might be considered as criminal in a civil court, such as theft or violence against another person or insubordination. The only thing that stopped Jane getting one, regarding his disobedience on the 27th November, was that I was in a very good mood that night. Also, the theory behind jankers, or being on a fizzer, was the whole punishment made the offender's daily life unpleasant, having to get up extremely early, then rushing about miserable, often having the mickey taken out of him by his mates and perhaps feeling humiliated. So he was thereby motivated never to repeat the mistake or slackness that got him put on the charge in future. But being put on jankers was never considered an indication of bad character in the Services when I was there.
"Also, Jane, you can't put yourself on a fizzer. I thought you, having fought in WW2, would have realised that. As much as I detest him, General Sheridan is a good person, and I think he would admit to trying to, or helping to, assassinate St. Nick. This is more of a matter of trust, rather than fact, sergeant."
"Eh,what's happenin' aboot the fat man in the doctor's surgery?" asked Tavish.
"Oh, he vas on his vay several minutes ago, fully healed." replied Fritz chirpily
"Is late, so what happens now?" asked Ivan.
"It's a big day t'morra, so I suggest we be getting ourselves back to bed." replied Laurence.
December 25th
The team woke early, excited by the prospect of gifts that morning. Franklin was very quiet that day, receiving each gift with thanks. The rest of the team realised he hadn't given them anything.
"Son, why haven't you given us anything?" asked Jane.
"I think I should give you them in the Woodsman's Arms. Nice, Christmas atmosphere in that pub; great for the gifts." replied Franklin.
The team wrapped up, and went off to the pub. When they got there, they shook the snow off their clothes, and sat down at the bar, a fire was blazing in the hearth, and an elderly couple were in corner.
"Eleven of the best, on me." mumbled Franklin to the bartender. Franklin then turned to his team-mates.
"Now, you've probably been wondering what I've got you. I'll tell you."
The general threw several packets containing pips and stripes.
"Promotion, which will have a knock-on affect on your salaries by increasing them, and better pensions."
Sergeant Doe became Major Doe, and Privates O'Neil, Conagher, Rameau, Mundy, Tolkovski, DeGroot, Krutz and Pimentel became Lance Corporal, Warrant Officer Class 2, Warrant Officer Class 1, Staff Sergeant, Sergeant, Lieutenant, Captain, and Corporal respectfully.
"Enjoy your promotions." stated Franklin, as the drinks arrived.
The team was enjoying their drink when the couple who were in the corner went up to Franklin.
"General Smith?" asked the old man.
"Yes?" replied Franklin.
"General Franklin Smith?"
"Yes?"
"Pleased to meet you."
"And you are whom, if you don't mind me asking."
"You asked us to come. I'm, ahem, Laurence's father."
"Hey, Staff Sergeant, your parents are here." exclaimed Franklin.
Laurence got up and looked at his parents. There was an awkward silence. Then Laurence Mundy Senior spoke.
"Son, I thought you were an idiot and a stubborn-headed mule, with no promotion prospects in life, but, thanks to the General here, you proved me wrong."
Both father and son man-hugged each other.
"I'm proud of ya, son."
"An' I'm proud of you dad. For coming."
"Another round of drinks on me then." stated Franklin.
The following morning, snow was thick around the base, and even up to the battlements around the back. Nothing electrical was working, apart from Dell's sentries and Jacques' electro-sappers, and there was little running water as the pipes had frozen over.
However, O'Neil, with Dell's help, was able to keep all the water pipes warm using the gas supplies, lots of pipes, and fire, meaning that, once their device was working, that there wasn't a water problem any more.
In the afternoon, Franklin took his gramophone into the empty communal area. Some of the other classes came in, following the sounds of either delicate orchestral music or harsher military music, mainly because they had nothing else to do. Mozart, Vaughan Williams, Beethoven and Coates were played alongside others.
At around 6pm, dinner was cooked on the tiny gas cooker in the kitchen. It wasn't much, just potatoes, vegetables and boiled strips of meat that had the taste and texture of dog. Apart from Franklin, Laurence and Dell, who had eaten and enjoyed it before, and Ivan, who came from a state in the USSR where dog-eating was the national sport, everybody was almost sick when they found out what Laurence had cooked for them.
That evening, Fritz was explaining to Tavish, for the 4827th time since they joined, how all of the initial RED team arrived.
"Listen, you drunken Scot, I am not very sure about how ze Scout arrived, as he vas selling a pile of ze Valve Time and I bought one of zhem, but the rest of us, apart from you, ze general and his children, came on einen train into the station in Vell. Engineer vas ze, vell, engineer of ze train, and, after putting it somevhere, joined us. Soldier, he vanted me to collect something, ah yes, mein bags. Heavy, he vas already a good friend of mein, and vas telling me zhat Soldier vanted to speak to me. Spy und Sniper got off vithout any problems. Pyro, he vas a guard of sorts, but he could not blow his vhistle. Ha, ha, ha. I think that you vere drunk, and had gone inside the station to get somvhere that vas dry and out of ze rain."
"Oh, I understan' now, doctor."
Fritz knew it would not be the last time he would have to explain how they all arrived. Meanwhile, Ivan was talking to Jane.
"Is there any rank above General?" asked the Russian.
"Yes, there's Field Marshall. Why?" asked Jane.
"Is interesting to know who Franklin takes order from."
"Well my Commie friend, Her Purple-ness the Administrator counts as one, as do Redmond and Blutarch, though it's fairly obvious which one is the one that isn't obeyed."
"Hm."
"Are you up to something?"
"Nyet, skatina."
"Do you know what the chain of command is, son? It's the chain I beat you with until you understand who you do not call a maggot!"
One day, Franklin woke up around 6A.M like he usually did, and an hour before everyone else but John, who got up at the same time. Nothing out of the ordinary was supposed to happen, just a little fight at Teufort. However, something felt wrong. Franklin heard John scream in the next room along, barely audible because of the walls. Regardless, Franklin got up, and started getting dressed. Then Franklin realised that, instead of being a 59-year-old man, he was a 59-year-old woman.
Franklin was in the main eating area, sitting at the table with several bottles of BLU Streak in front of her, some empty. Dell, who was looking decidedly more feminine, and Laurence, who had shoulder-length hair and was in a skirt, entered.
"Did it happen to you, General?"
Franklin nodded slowly.
Down the corridor Ivan was heard saying: "On nas, seche est problema."
"Big problem." said Jane.
Fritz came into the room on her way to the kitchen. She stopped and laughed at Laurence and Dell. In response, Franklin got up, gestured towards the green skirt she was wearing and said: "Do you think this is funny? Where you doing anything last night?"
"Nein, nein."
By eight o'clock, the team was wondering what on earth had happened. Konstanze was the only male on the team. The Administrator came through on the speakers.
"I hope you have adjusted to what has happened to your bodies, as the battle commences in fifteen minutes!"
Fifteen minutes later the RED team were waiting to be deployed.
"Five! Four!"
"No looking up my skirt when I rocket jump."
"Three!"
"Or mine when I double jump."
"Two!"
"Or mine when I'm PE4 jumping."
"One!"
The door went up, and the siren wailed. A few moments later, no-one was left in the spawn room.
That evening, the team was in their communal area. No-one was pleased about being the opposite gender, save Konstanze, who was loving it.
For the next week, the team kept their gender. At the end of it, the Administrator announced that she was 'disapointed' that the last week had gone as badly as it had, and that they would have their orriginal genders back. This pleased everyone but Konstanze, and was therefore ignored by his team-mates.
That night, everything returned to what was considered normal by Team Fortress standards.
When Franklin was wandering around his little bit of lawn, which he had insisted on, one morning, he encountered a young man inspecting the flowers. Franklin wasn't impressed by this.
"Get off my grass!" barked Franklin.
"The politically correct word you are looking for is lawn." replied the man.
Franklin cocked his Lewis.
"Get off my lawn you intellectual, politically correct pussy."
"Calm down!"
"I'm a General from the British SAS. I will not calm down until you are off my lawn and are far away from this place! Are you hearing me? Saxton Hale will escort you off Mann's Land!"
"The Saxton Hale?"
"Yes. Now, be off with you!"
The man ran away.
18 years went by. Nearing the end of his contract, Franklin went missing for a few days. The rest of the team started getting concerned, but he arrived before they could go looking for him. He was followed by the Christian Brutal Sniper, Handsome Rogue, Weaselcake and the Vagistaregineer. Franklin was carrying a silver plate. And on that plate was the head of the late Blutarch Mann.
Everyone was astonished.
"You. Killed. Blutarch Mann?" asked John.
"You know what this means?" asked Jane.
"Yes I did, and yes I do." replied Franklin.
The RED team was standing in a line outside of their base in Teufort. Redmond was examining his men one more time, with the General at his side.
"Well men, it's god to have this war over and done with. Now that my brother is dead, I can now live out my days in peace, and I will gain my father's inheritance, thanks to you lot and the General here. Goodbye men."
Franklin took over.
"Attention! Left turn! Dis-missed!"
The RED team had been officially dissolved.
Meanwhile, the BLU team was getting a dismissal from the Administrator, who had General Sheridan was at her side. Gwen Terrill, Mickey Benson, Harold Johnson, Bruce Frogman, Francois Lamagne, Adolfus Hamzler, Horatyo Thomason, Vlad Borshkovski, Jock McHaggis and Brittany Sheridan were hanging their heads in shame for not defending Blutarch.
After the RED team's dismissal, the General thanked Christian Brutal Sniper, Handsome Rogue, Weaselcake and the Vagistaregineer for their help. Now that the war was over, the mercenaries had very few ideas what they would do – civilian jobs would be hard to adjust to, and they couldn't stay on Mann's Land for too long. Due to the lack of outside communication, like news bulletins, the team had no idea about what year it was. When the team found out that the year was 1992, panic ran rampant in their minds.
They eventually calmed down, and thought and talked about how their families might be getting on. Jane revealed he had left a pregnant wife at home, who also happened to be called Jane, and that they had a son called George, who would be in his twenties or thirties.
Fritz had lost his wife in a divorce, and had no children.
Ivan, following Jane's example, admitted he had a 'tiny baby wife' at home called Delyia, who was 'with tiny baby child' when he had left.
Somehow, Dell had managed to break the television signal jammer, and they found a news channel. There was a close-up of the female presenter's face, along with a picture of a stocky girl celebrating something. The presenter continued reporting news, unknowing of the eleven new viewers.
"In other news, the Mann War in the Badlands, New Mexico has come to an end. Among those involved in the war, including the Administrator Helen, and the twenty-two mercenaries, including British Generals Jeff Sheridan and Franklin Smith, have been given permission to leave by Redmond Mann, after an assassination attempt led by Smith ended in the death of Redmond Mann's brother, Blutarch. We sent one of our reporters to interview Kourtney Tolkovski, daughter of the Reasonable Excavation and Demolition team's Heavy Weapons Guy, and Ayalisse Doe, daughter of RED's 'Soldier'."
The stocky girl from before turned out to be Ivan's daughter, which he was congratulated for, as was Jane. When the team had finished watching the news, they packed their bags. Some didn't have very much at all, just their guns and clothes, but some had lots of things that they had gained during their stay on Mann's Land.
After staying the night, the team slowly departed. Laurence was the first to go.
"Well mates, I think I'd better be going. I have no wish to stay here any longer. Do any of you lot want a lift?" asked Laurence.
Nobody replied.
"I'll take that as a no. I'll be off then."
Everyone said goodbye to Laurence, and he left the room. Shortly afterwards, they heard Laurence's van go past.
John and Konstanze left next, as John's mother was finishing her affair with Francois, and was therefore able to drive them to her home.
Then O'Neil, Fritz and Tavish caught the first train away from what had been their home for years.
This left Jane, Dell, Ivan, Jacques, and Franklin.
"Well men, I think it is my time to leave. It has been an HONOUR and a PLEASURE fighting with you over the last couple of decades, and I wish you are successful in all that you do." Jane said before going on to shake hands with the other four.
A motorcycle was heard starting up, before speeding away from the base.
"If ya don't mind me askin', what will happen to this 'ere base General?" asked Dell.
"Not too sure, but I haven't been notified of any need to get out of here before a certain time, as is custom when dealing with Generals and destroying the building he's in. So, I reckon that this place will stand here as a monument to what has happened here, until the same thing happens again." replied Franklin.
"I no know why, but I feel is time for me to leave." said Ivan, with an obvious sign of sadness in his voice. He continued.
"I am fond of this place. I do not like to leave, but there is a calling in my heart to see my daughter before I do something terrible and cannot visit her."
"Chuck-wagon, you kinda summed up mah feelings about this place there." said Dell.
"I will see you again someday, somewhere else." said Ivan.
Ivan left, taking with him a small truck. Next to leave was Jacques.
"General, I have the information about the team that you requested, along with the blueprints and details about the military installations on Mann's Land. I hope it comes in useful." said the Spy.
"Thank you, Warrant Officer Rameau."
"Now, I must leave." said Jacques, before walking out the door and driving his lovely little Jeep to civilisation.
"Well General, I'm not going to leave here for a while, if that's alrighty with you." said Dell.
"I refuse to leave until everyone else has gone, but I don't mind staying for the next few years if you want to stay behind." replied Franklin.
During the next few days, Dell learnt about Franklin's trip to Xanadu, where he gained his immortality. Franklin learnt that Dell was the best in his class in everything and gained several degrees while he was still at primary school.
The sands of Mann's Land had covered most of the bases, but a couple of children, who were on a camping trip with their parents and decided to explore, found one of the entrances to Teufort. They then walked down them to find two very old men, remembering their lives. They were Dell and Franklin.
"...an' then, an' then, ha-ha, Jane and Tavish, after consuming lots of booze, started kicking a twenty year old land-mine to each other and daring each other to stand on it. Of course, the land-mine exploded and killed both of them!" said the one in a builder's yellow helmet.
"Trust them to go out like that. Those were the days, but now it's just you, me, Jeff and Saxton Hale left on this planet that we know of." said the decorated war hero.
"Yes... 'ang on a minute sir, we've got ourselves some vis'tors."
The two children, scared, stayed where they were.
"Come closer, please." said Dell.
The children did as they were bidden.
"Now, do you want to hear 'bout this place, what happened, and who stayed here?" asked Dell.
"Yes please." replied one of the children.
And so Dell told the children about Team Fortress. He also told them what had happened to their mates, and both Dell and Franklin's trips to Xanadu.
"Well kids, O'Neil wanted to be in the fire-service, considering his expertise with fire, but his application was rejected, and became a raving lunatic.
"John worked as a paper-boy for a while, but got bored after a while of the early mornings and became a delivery boy for Dominoes Pizza. He was good friends with Jane, who had learnt to play the trombone, and joined a band, and with Jacques, who became a freelance lawyer after he trained for the job but wasn't allowed to practise as part of an organisation.
"Fritz became a chef at a posh restaurant in the nice end of a town, but still enjoyed cutting people open and still had a thirst for blood. Customers to the restaurant were curious why there were feathers in their food, and why there were loud shouts of "Archimedes, no!" coming from the kitchens.
"Laurence started work as a bird watcher for the Environmental Protection Agency, and he nearly got fired once and almost died six times. However, Ivan couldn't find any work except as a bodyguard for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not that he needed one because everybody loved him.
"Tavish got seriously and dangerously drunk and stayed like that for years, before he started letting out flats to anyone who will pay. Due to his drunkenness, Tavish hounded people down if they don't pay up." said Dell.
The talking had gone on all day, and the children's parents were getting concerned. The parents eventually found their offspring in the communal area with Dell and Franklin.
"What do you think you're doing here, talking to strangers!" exclaimed one of the parents.
"We came in here, and found these men here. We started talking mummy."
This response made the mother glare at Dell and Franklin. Before the parents left, Dell asked them a question.
"Are you by any chance related to any of the merc'naries who worked for Redmond Mann?"
"I am a direct descendant of Konstanze Smith, her father, and John Pimentel. Why?" replied the mother.
"Konstanze married him?" asked Franklin.
"Yes. Now please, answer why." said the mother.
"'Cause this man 'ere is Konstanze's father." replied Dell.
"Impossible."
"Check everything – memories, features, DNA. You'll find I am Franklin Smith, Konstanze's father." said the General.
"Well I'd be damned..." replied the mother.
"What year is it?" asked Franklin.
"2167."
The children and their parents left.
"Well Warrant Officer Conagher, I think we have been here for too long. When I said 'a few years' in 1992, I mean 'a few years'. However, we can't change the past. Got everything?" asked Franklin.
"Yes Sir!" replied Dell.
After they left the base, the two turned and saluted it. As if on cue, the building started to collapse.
"Well, we can't go back now. As Jacques used to say 'Let us move'." said Franklin.
Dell took his white pick-up truck, while Franklin drove his red Peel P50. They went where-ever they wanted, but their first responsibility was to find out what had happened in the 175 years they had stayed away from civilisation. They found that terrible things had happened, and were powerless to stop them. They also found out that there was a colony on Mars, and space travel was now common-place.
Almost a century later, the two got involved in the Earth-Mimbari war. They were some of the few surviving humans in Earth's military. They later resigned, and became supporters of the Babylon Project. Dell was hired to help design all of the space stations, and his anger grew as the first two were sabotaged, the third destroyed in construction, and the fourth stolen. However, they were allowed to stay on Babylon 5. When they boarded, they were in awe of what Dell had created.
Dell stayed there for the rest of his life, and he started building genetic-sensing Sentries for anyone with a spare half-million per level per Sentry. However, his main job was as an interior decorator. During his time there, Dell designed Babylon 6 so that the Babylon Project could continue if Babylon 5 was destroyed.
Dell was generally regarded as the cult television show quoting, user account deleting, soap loathing IT Manager. People thought that something in his childhood had made him the way he was. He'd been hired to provide a service to everyone else on the station - he made the computers run, and he made them run well. He streamlined everything; he had removed all the viruses and installed all the firewalls. The only trouble - the only hole in his veneer of digital perfection - was the way he laughed at everyone.
If someone didn't know UNIX, he'd laugh at them. If they lost their password, he'd laugh at them. If they visited a website using Microsoft Internet Explorer and their computer succumbed to an Internet worm, he'd laugh. Then he would take a swig of his Coke, and with another hearty chuckle tell all his friends on IRC about the idiots he had to deal with.
Maybe it made him feel better about himself, although let's face it, he didn't need help in that department. He was great, Dell. Fantastic like burning cool. If only those luddite office fools would have let him play Unreal Tournament in peace.
Franklin, being the multi-millionaire that he was, created his own, small colony in Space composed of Humans and Centauri, where ruled with an iron glove and a Teflon moustache, scaring the pants off Mimbar and pretty much everyone else the Council and the League of Non-Aligned Worlds. Pretty good going, for an evil dictator. Trade was good, and soon after being made operational. Dell designed it, and helped build it. Dell also designed lots of fighter vessels and destroyers for space combat.
"These designs... they look like Shermans, Churchills and some even like those World War 1 tanks." said Franklin when he was going over Dell's designs.
"To be honest, I got quite a lot of inspiration from them." admitted Dell.
When Sheridan declared war on Earth, Franklin joined in - it wasn't not enough that Franklin had to watch those overpaid idiots in EarthGov go about their inane business every day on twice his salary, as he relentlessly cleaned up after them. It's not enough that they refused to say more than a quick "hi" to him day after day, or gave him so much as a Christmas card. But the things they did ...
... it was enough to make him shudder with grief and fury.
And shudder with grief and fury he did, behind their backs, in one of his colony's dis-used broom closets. Some day, he'd get his own back. But he wasn't going to play their underhanded games; he wasn't going to stoop to their stuffy little level. He was going to take the moral upper hand and screw them over one day so bad that they won't know what hit them. And until then?
Until then he would wait.
Franklin ended up great friends with Marcus Cole, until he gave his life to save Susan Ivanova. Franklin's Peel P50 was adjusted and given a Mimbari power source so that it didn't produce any pollutants. During his free time, or even if he needed to get from one place to another, Franklin would drive the miniature car.
Team Fortress reunions were tiny, and they could be held in one of the lifts on Babylon 5. After a while, they were stopped. However, Dell, Franklin, Jeff and Saxton were in constant demand for their tales of their employment for the Manns. Despite them telling the truth, quite a lot of humans didn't believe the four of them, as was human nature and that most people claiming to be 350 years old are liars.
During the decommissioning and destruction of Babylon 5, Franklin Smith, Jeff Sheridan, Dell Conagher and Saxton Hale stayed aboard, being that they were tired of life and wanted 'out'. However, during the six months before Babylon 5 was destroyed, Franklin drove around his own colony slowly, listening to the echoes of events gone by, feeling good at all the things he had done.
At the time Franklin, Jeff, Dell and Saxton died, Franklin was 368 years old.
Franklin and Dell were wandering through Teufort as it was during the 1980s. They went into the communal area to find the rest of the team there.
Franklin's son-in-law was the first to speak.
"Hey, what'cha doin'? Aren't ya supposed ta be immortal? And what happened about Engi?" asked John.
"Dell was immortal as well, but we were tired of life and stayed on Babylon 5 while it was destroyed. I was 368 at the time." said Franklin.
"Sorry to hear that man."
"You were good sons, real good, maybe even the best of us."
"Mph mppphhhh mpph mphh."
"Not good."
"Well, this is a disappointment!"
"Sturm und drang!"
"Not a nice thing, but it's good to be seeing you again after so long, mates!"
"I hope it weren't painful lads!"
"I hope you did things for me to be proud of dad"
The team went back to what they were doing.
"O'Neil, I've never actually seen you with your mask off. Could you show me?" asked Franklin.
O'Neil took it off to reveal a woman with shoulder-length hair. Apart from Fritz, this was new to the team.
"Now I know everything." said Franklin.
Konstanze later revealed to her father that she stayed in America, but managed to have all of her records destroyed, and was slowly forgotten by society. She also told him that both herself and Brittany Sheridan were killed when they tried to break up a fight.
A/N
Dell being regarded as 'the cult television show quoting, user account deleting, soap loathing IT Manager', and Franklin shuddering 'with grief and fury' and 'ruling with an iron fist and a Teflon moustache' has been taken from Rum and Monkey. I found 'get off my lawn, you intellectual, politically correct pussy' on List Universe, but it made me laugh and I thought I should include it.
I hope copying from these two sources is alright - "Creativity is good, but plagarism's faster."
I should also point out that Christian Brutal Sniper, Handsome Rogue, Weaselcake and the Vagistaregineer are the creations of other people who I do not know and have not sought permission from to put them here. I have noticed that other people have used a couple of things that I have put in here, mainly St. Nick being shot and the two teams acting.
Demo and Soldier's deaths have happened before as alcohol and ex-military hardware don't mix. One I am aware of involved three men, not two like here.
Aside from this, the content is mine (or I haven't looked close enough). Like Franklin driving the smallest production car in the world (I saw Jeremy Clarkson drive a Peel P-50 around the BBC on Top Gear, and wanted to contain something like that in this).
If it's confusing, the names and classes follow.
RED
Pyro: referred to as O'Neil
Engineer: Dell Conagher.
Sniper: Laurence Mundy
Spy: Jacques Rameau
Heavy: Ivan Tolkovski
Demoman: Tavish DeGroot
Medic: Fritz Krutz
Scout: John Cyrus Pimentel
Soldier: Mister Jane Doe
SAS Man: Gen. Franklin Smith
Medic's Assistant/ SAS man's daughter: Konstanze
BLU
Pyro: Gwen Terrill
Engineer: Horatyo Thomason
Sniper: Hugh Frogman
Spy: Francois Lamagne
Difficult: Vlad Borshkovski
Demoman: Jock McHaggis
Medic: Adolfus Hamzler
Scout: Mickey Benson
Soldier: Harold Johnson
SAS man: General Jeffery Sheridan
Medic's assistant / SAS man's daughter: Brittany
As I said before, please review.