A/N: just a quick one shot in Eli's POV on the word love and what it meant/was to him.
Disclaimer: I own a pen and a bed but I don't own Degrassi ):
Without her in my life I was lost, alone. Not even Adam could make me feel better no matter how hard he tried. It was like losing Julia all over again but Clare had a choice. She chose to leave. To leave me. If I wasn't so damn over protective she'd be here right now with me, in my arms. I had asked to much of her and it all just pushed her away from me. It wasn't what I planned to happen. It should of brought us closer but just the opposite happened, and I was the only one to blame. If I could only take it all back things would be so different right now, if I'd gave her the space that she wanted for a while. I shouldn't of manipulated her but I had no idea I was doing it. Looking back, its pretty clear that I was. I would of stopped immediately of I had known I was doing it at the time. So many "what if " 's. This is all so messed up and wrong. I knew exactly what I was feeling.
Loneliness.
I didn't even notice we were growing apart, we were so different from each other. To put it in simpler terms, I was negative and she was positive. When you add a negative and a positive together you can get either a negative or positive outcome. I guess for us it was negative. I was to much for her and I didn't know it. She had rubbed off on me though, now I was comparing our relationship to a math rule. What was wrong with me? A lot of things actually. I had officially lost my mind, I had gone over the deep end. I had gone insane while I broke Clare's heart and trust in the process. All the while I noticed nothing. I was a monster. I knew what a really was though.
Oblivious.
Now with her gone their was no one in my life who could keep me down on earth and in the present. Everything was spiraling out of control, out of my control. My life was changing all to fast for my liking so I chose to live in the past part of my past where I would hurt myself. The time in my life right after I lost Julia. Now I had lost Clare, along with all the tips, tricks, and things she had told me - taught me even - on dealing with lose. With my depression. They were all gone; just like her. Like both of them. It was so simple to go back to my old ways before I met Clare. Before I came to Degrassi. After all I was trying to forget her, those 'tips' would only make me remember her more. That's not what I was trying to do. It wasn't my goal. It wasn't the goal. It was easy to go back and do those things to myself, she had no reason to care anymore and why should she? I ruined her life. It was much better like this, for me to be like this.
Violent.
I had lost almost all my emotions. All the ones that mattered. Like joy and happiness and love. Those things were all gone now, just thrown out the window. Just a thought, a memory of what they felt like was all that I had. I was a shell of a person there was nothing inside of me, I was hollow. I had become nothing. I was here, but I wasn't really here. Even if I didn't believe in God, Clare made me believe that everyone had a soul. While I had ruined and broken hers, I had lost mine along the way. Maybe it had been gone a long time ago and I was just hoping, wishing, pretending even that it was there. I wanted to believe it was still here deep down. I felt like it had been there with Clare though. Maybe it had been. Though maybe it had only come back to visit a while, she how I was, meet the new girl but once things started to get bad it must of up-and-left again. Now there was nothing inside me, I was sure of it. I hated knowing that and I hated even more feeling it.
Empty.
Loneliness, Oblivious, Violent, Empty. L.O.V.E. My type of love, the only kind I disserved.
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