Title: Fading Away
Author: Matthew Shine
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek (even though they don't deserve too sometimes).
Notes: As my first Voyager fic, this is my ultimate 'What the f**k' at the majority of the stories out there which portray Janeway falling in love with some alien, and Chakotay nobly standing by her side and silently dealing with his broken heart. This fic take the whole 'crazy gene' thing in another direction, a more… drastic direction.
Summary: Alternate universe fic that takes place after 'Counterpoint.' After beginning a love affair with her, Kashyk stays on Voyager at the request of Janeway. This is what happens to Chakotay following his learning of the new couple's decision, and being forced to face that he and Janeway would never get together.
Chakotay remembered a lot from his life. He remembered his long talks with his mother, playing with his sister and cousins, his first vision quest. He remembered joining Star Fleet and then the attacks on Dorvan, which left most of his family dead and his subsequent recruitment in the Maquis. Normally, those memories along with his camaraderie with certain people sustained him as he drew from them for strength. Today, he received another memory for his collection, but this one had no equal. This was the day he lost Kathryn Janeway.
"You're what?" Even upon hearing it thrice, the Commanders mind still wouldn't pick it up. Oh, he heard the rumors (damn Paris and his gossip ring) and he saw the 'looks' he had been getting that spoke of consolation, but it wasn't real. Until now, that is.
"I'm in love with Kashyk and he with me. He's agreed to stay on board Voyager and go with us to the Alpha Quadrant." It pained Janeway to see the flash of agony that seemed to rack her best friends expression, but it needed to be done. It wasn't that she didn't love him, but Chakotay was like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Lowering her head to shield herself from what seemed to be an explosion of emotion, the Captain of Voyager tried her best to remember that she had a lover waiting in her quarters and that he was all she needed.
"I'm sorry Chakotay. I know how you feel about me, but we could never be in a relationship with me as Captain and you my First Officer, and neither one can resign without adding far too much pressure to the already stretched ranks." Taking a breath, Janeway lifted her head to look in his eyes and saw the immense conflict playing out in his eyes, in his soul. "Over time, you will find someone else. I know it will be difficult, but we both knew that this could happen at sometime."
Like trying to wake himself in the middle of a horrible dream, the Commanders entire body seemed engulfed in tremors. Yes, he wanted her happy and yes he always figured that if they didn't get together someday either she or he would most likely find someone else, but this was far sooner than he could have imagined. Chakotay struggled to speak, but his voice box seemed unable to work for him. "I know. I just hoped that by the time it did, we would have grown out of love. I had figured that it wouldn't have been for years, if not home in the Alpha Quadrant." Ignoring the tears that feel freely, the man tried to stabilize his mind and senses as best he could.
Kathryn understood his words, even if she didn't completely agree. If they were in the Alpha Quadrant, maybe they could have gotten together, but they weren't, as sad as it was too say. It was becoming more and more obvious to her that her friend wasn't accepting this as well as she had hoped he would. Perhaps it was going to be best if she tried the 'cold water' trick.
"Chakotay, I'm not in love with you." Seeing his face contort all the more, Janeway continued the lie of her lifetime in hopes that he would be able to break free from the hold he believed she had on him. "I'm in love with Kashyk. You and I will just never be together." Kathryn watched in fascination, his entire body seemed to be rejecting her words. His hands shook and teeth chattered. Closing her eyes and taking a breath, the Captain of Voyager prepared to shove the knife home. "You will not need to find quarters for Kashyk, Chakotay. He will living in mine, permanently."
Chakotay knew that she and Kashyk would no doubt be spending a lot of time around each other, but living together meant something? The only way it could have gotten worse was if she announced their engagement and that was probably going to come fairly soon as well. The thoughts of hearing them every night for what could reasonably be the rest of his life did what no other event in his life had done before: it broke him. He could no longer anticipate the private dinners between them, no longer spend late nights flirting in her quarters. The touches on the bridge while on duty might still happen, but it would be forever tainted by the knowledge that she spent her nights loving someone else. She may flirt with him, but she was going to belong to another man.
Desperately, Chakotay looked around as he watched his world shattering. The world of his mind was being torn to pieces and his body shook in responce to the emotional agony. He knew what she wanted, she wanted to be free of any obligation she may have felt to him. She wanted his blessing and the knowledge that he wouldn't act like a scorned lover. He was going to give Kathryn what she wanted, freedom from his ghost, and he was going to give his very self to do it. He would finally give up on Kathryn Janeway and the hope that kept him going that maybe she and he could someday be together. Once he felt himself let go, the quiet calm that had entered his mind shortly after stepping onto Voyager, after meeting Kathryn, slid from his mind. The importance of the ancient legends, the sage advice from his animal guide, all of it broke free from the bonds of importance and floated out of reach. The light of his soul, the happiness in his smile, the small grin that he always seemed to wear (even when outraged) all seemed to fade away, along with the tears in his eyes and the shaking of his hands. The man Chakotay had become, the one he always wanted to be, the one people turned too, the one that hoped of a better tomorrow, finally emotionally fell.
Janeway watched his body shake with grief and his eyes blaze with rejection of what he was being told until her final words before about her and Kashyk living together and then after a few moments, something changed. His body ceased their tremors, his face relaxed, and his breathing become stabilized. For a moment, she was relieved, believing that he was accepting what she told him, but that went away when she looked into his eyes. The dark brown pools that radiated intensity and life for as long as she had known him, seemed to actually flicker, like a dying light bulb, before completely going out. The warmth she had associated with Chakotay's gaze had just expired and she now shivered as his look. The beautiful eyes that he had used to charm her with years before now resembled the ones in morgues when people died with their eyelids open.
She was about to speak when the broken man before her did. "I am so happy for you Captain, you deserve happiness. I'm sure Kashyk will be a great addition to your life. Notify me if you or he need anything." Smiling a smile that never even made an attempt to reach his eyes, Chakotay nodded his head and left her ready room without waiting to be dismissed.
Janeway felt nauseous at his reaction. His voice was toneless and his walk wooden. All of the thickness that had been there was gone and the way he said her name (which before sounded like a prayer) now was hallow. The smile that he had given her was mechanical and his dimples, the ones she dreamed about before she met Kashyk, said nothing now. She expected a lot of reactions from Chakotay, but that wasn't one of them. He looked… lifeless.
Getting to her feet, she shook herself mentally as well as physically. Chakotay was a rock. He survived when his family was killed by the Cardassians, he would survive this as well. He had too.
"Computer, time?"
"Present time is 19:03 hours."
Shaking herself again, Janeway reminded herself that she had promised Kashyk that she would be home for dinner before 19:00 hours for dinner so that they could go to bed early. Oh, she wasn't at all tired, but then that was a good thing with what she and Kashyk had in mind whenever the term bed is used, Kathryn grinned for a moment at the man now in her room, her life. He was just what she needed.