This was meant to be a one-shot, but now that it is over 20,000 words I am making it into chapters...
Peter has a lisp in this, but in order for you to read this without trouble, I only wrote it slurred every once and a while. Just keep in mind that it is there. ;)
Disclaimer- Spidey and all his buddies belong to people that I am not...
Brace for Impact;
Peter's head hurt. His whole mouth felt compacted and the pressure was very, very, annoying. He has just left his orthodontist's office and though he did love Dr. Kathy he kind of wanted to punch her in the face right now. When he told her that, she had laughed, which made Peter like and dislike her simultaneously even more...Darn her and her niceness...!
If he had thought the spacers were bad well this stupid expander was down right horrible. Turns out that his teeth were very resistant to wanting to relocate. Peter had a feeling that his spider healing and strength had to do with his teeth's lack of cooperativeness, but really, who knew? Maybe his teeth and gums had always been freakishly strong and he should have gone with a name like Mr. Chompers instead of Spiderman.
Now, what would that super suit look like?
Maybe still red and blue, but with a set of teeth on the front instead of a spider.
And he would shoot floss from his wrists.
Perhaps instead of the big bug eyes, he would have some of those chomper-teeth glued to his mask.
Yes. This is a plan. Peter should become a costume designer for all superheroes.
The teen jumped off of the next rooftop twisting in the air so that he was upside down before shooting out a web. The expander was starting to make the top of his mouth numb with pain, and Peter found himself constantly running his tongue over the tangy metal. It felt odd to have something so large glued into his mouth. It felt almost as if a spoon had gotten stuck to the roof of his mouth and was pressing uncomfortably on his teeth shoving them out of the way. Which when Peter thought about it, was essentially what was happening.
What would Mr. Chomper's catchphrase be?
'Your friendly neighbor reminder to floss'?
No that was horrible.
'I'll chomp you up'?
Oh god, no, that sounded wrong.
Wait, wait, he had it-
…'I pack a mean bite'…
Yes. Peter was pleased.
Spidey's mouth still tasted a bit like copper from when he had bled earlier and the teen's face scrunched up in distasted. Stupid Kathy with her stupid expander and her stupid kind smile that made Peter want to hug her…stupid.
Spidey landed in a horizontal crouch his gloved fingertips pressing to the brick of the building as he listened to his spider-sense, unconsciously running his tongue over the expander and his sore teeth yet again.
He had also gotten his braces changed and tightened today. Which wasn't that big of a deal the teen was used to that uncomfortable experience by now, and it usually meant he and his Aunt May could get ice cream later so that made it all worth it.
But today Aunt May had to take an extra shift at the hospital for a friend and Peter had gone to the orthodontist alone. But that was fine, Peter was fine. Aunt May said that they could have ice cream and watch a bunch of movies later tonight. Peter was looking forward to it.
But that did mean the teen had some time to kill…And honestly, Peter felt a bit bored.
Wait, what was Mr. Chomper's theme song?
He'd have to come up with one…
The teenager hummed to himself thinking as he quickly ran down the side of the building, before twisting off and shooting out another strand of webbing. Ouch. His head was killing him. He would have loved to take some pain killers,
but A; he couldn't exactly swallow right now (darn you to hecky, Kathy!),
number 2; pain pills didn't really do much for him in the first place (thanks again spider powers)
and lastly; it wasn't like he had any pills on him in this skin-tight suit anyway.
Spidey grumbled to himself as a pulse of pain shot from his mouth and into his skull. It was a little hard to think about anything other than the intruder glued to the roof of his mouth at the moment, but distraction was a-go.
What had he been thinking about again?
Oh, yeah, theme song. Let's see, how would that go?
'Mr. Chomper, Mr. Chomper…looks real good in a…baby romper?'
Okay, so not the best at rhyming. But Peter was working on it.
The back of Spidey's head buzzed, the feeling was a slight bit sharper because of the teen's already very present headache, but if this meant there was something for him to do then, by all means, spider-sense buzz away!
Spidey quickly spun back around, licking his chapped lips and grimacing as his braces felt like they were pulling at his mouth. Kathy was pure evil; she would take over the world one day; Peter could feel it.
Below Spidey a few police cars sped by and the tingle in his head intensified. Whatever was going on, Peter was needed. The teen began swinging faster following the racing police vehicles as their sirens blared.
Peter hummed the tune of the Spiderman song to himself as he launched his body into a curve through the air.
'Takes a bite any size, goes right to his thighs.'
'Look out, here comes Mr. Chomper!'
'Is he strong? Listen bums; he's got radioactive gums.'
'He can floss way up high, you might wonder why.'
'Stay there! Because Mr. Chomper is doing his daily dental care!'
Ehe, it was a working progress. Peter had a headache, alright? He couldn't be bothered to rhyme wholeheartedly at the moment. Peter could come up with something better when he was laying in his bed bored tonight.
Yeesh.
A shrill ringing caught Spidey's attention a moment before his spider-sense did. The teen flipped himself around and towards the noise. Finding that a window to a jewelry store was shattered, Spidey watched as a few people ran from the building looking deshelled and frightened.
Peter's eyes squinted under his mask as he flipped himself to the building, the bell was loud and grated on the teenager's ears, making his head hurt a bit more, his teeth gave a jolt of pain but Peter ignored it; in favor of going inside the busted jewelry shop.
The inside of the store was painted in a red as the security lights flashed off and on in warning. Spidey glanced around looking for the robber because clearly, someone was in here, but before he could spot them his boot crunched on what looked like sand?
"Oh, n-" Spidey started to say in dread before he was abruptly slammed into the roof of the store. A moment later the face of Flint Marco appeared before him a sand stained smirk playing on his features.
"Spiderman," Sandman hissed, a second before he threw Peter back out the window.
Spidey turned his body into an arc so that he ended up landing in a crouch his gloved fingers scraping against the asphalt and bringing him to a stop. "We've goth to stop meetin like this Thandy," Peter called, only after he had spoken did Peter realize he had a very heavy lisp. Oh, god, this was much worse than when he normally got his braces tightened.
He didn't know where to put his tongue now that this stupid big'ol expander was in the way. His tongue kept slipping off of it and making him mispronounce his words. Oh, this was just great, like Peter didn't already have trouble speaking properly in the first place…Flash was going to have a field day with this one.
Okay, wait, back to the current baddie Pete, he could think about how he would deal with Flash's teasing and mocking, later. Spidey watched as Sandman began spilling out the edge of the window sill and started forming back into his body. Maybe Sandman hadn't noticed his lisp? Maybe he hadn't been paying attention. I mean, a lot of people just tuned Peter out, maybe he had gotten lucky?
"What did you call me?"
Evidently not… Awe, isn't life just wonderful?
"Nothin'," Spidey said as he ran forward, kicking Marco in the jaw, but it didn't do much damage, seeing as his face was made of sand. "Why are you th'oing this Thandy?" Peter couldn't help but ask, "I thought we both agreed you th'uck at being a villain,"
Sandman turned his fist into a hammer slamming it down and almost hitting Spidey in the process. "What? You chip a tooth or somethin'?" The man asked. And okay, maybe that meant Peter should shut up now. No one could understand his hilarious quips anyway.
But honestly, was Spidey even capable of being quiet for a full fight?
Evidently…the answer is no…
Peter pulled off his mask with a huff, a bit of sand fell to the floor and he wrinkled his nose at it in exasperation. His mouth was feeling a bit better at least, Peter walked over to his mirror hanging on his closet door and inspected the expander.
Oh, yeah! He forgot he got the colors changed on his braces, he should show his friends. Peter snapped a quick picture, (he was making an overly exaggerated happy face; his eyes squeezed shut as he gave a huge cheesy smile to his phone, his hair was still messy from the mask a few stray wisps of unruly brown locks falling onto his forehead) and sent it to the group chat.
He threw his phone on his bed before stripping out of the rest of his suit as quickly as possible. He tipped one of his boots upside down watching as a trail of sand fell to the floor and created a pile on the carpet. Peter grimaced, at least it wasn't sewage this time.
His phone 'dinged' a moment later and he dived onto his bed, it was from MJ.
Rockin Watson- "You did NOT." She said.
Peter could imagine the eye roll she would give him in person. The teenager grinned stupidly at his phone, the motion pulled on his sore mouth a bit, but he ignored it.
Bug Boy- "Oh, but I did. ;)" He replied.
Gwendy Bear- "Oh Petey, noooo. :-O"
Bug Boy- "What!? I think it's clever!"
Flame Brain- "U would. ಠ_ಠ"
Peter scoffed even though no one could hear it.
Rockin Watson- "U are such a dork."
Gwendy Bear- "He's a cute dork, though."
Rockin Watson- "Well, obviously."
Flame Brain- "I just think he's a dork."
Bug Boy- "No, no, I agree I'm adorable. ( ﾟ∀ﾟ) "
Rockin Watson- "Ha! U can't agree that u r adorable that just makes u seem big-headed."
Bug Boy- "MJ, you do that like all the time…"
Flame Brain- "Yeah u do MJ. It's tots annoying."
Gwendy Bear- "You literally would throw yourself a parade if you could Storm. ಠ_ಠ"
Flame Brain- "I am offended! OFFENDED I TELL U!"
Flame Brain- "But yeah. I so would. (づ￣ ³￣)づ"
Flame Brain- "Oh my gawd, guyz! We should, we so should throw a parade! (ง°ل͜°)ง"
Peter lets out a laugh, before rolling his eyes at Johnny, the blond was beginning to send plans and ideas for what the parade would be like, and where it would take place. Peter wasn't sure how the other teen could text so fast.
Gwendy Bear- "No Johnny. Just no…"
Bug Boy- "This is a horrible idea." Peter told Johnny before two more texts arrived at the same time.
Rockin Watson- "Ur one 2 talk Bug Boy."
Flame Brain- "No idea is as horrible as getting ur braces blue and red."
Peter huffed at his friends. Feeling insulted he grabbed his mask put it half way on and then smiled largely as he took another picture. He sent it a moment later. The group text now displaying a half unmasked Spiderman showing off his red and blue braces.
Bug Boy- [attachment: fhgtagmb/jpg]
Bug Boy- "Ur all just jelly! I'm hot!"
Flame Brain- "OMG! ಠ╭╮ಠ"
Gwendy Bear- "No Petey, no…"
Rockin Watson- "I'm leaving."
Peter had just hopped out of the shower, his hair wet and falling into his face a towel around his waist when all of a sudden, "SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN, DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN, SPINS A WEB ANY SIZE, CATCHES THIEVES JUST LIKE FLYS-" Erupted loudly in his bedroom.
Peter squawked in surprise, almost jumping to the ceiling and losing his towel in the process. God, what the heck was that?! The teen dug around in his blankets pulling out the singing device and finding that it was indeed his cell phone.
Peter squinted at the phone as if it had mortally offended him before looking to see who was calling, it was Aunt May. Peter shoved down his suspicion for the culprit for a moment so he could answer. "Hey, Aunt May." He greeted.
"Hi sweetie, I'm about to finish up here at work, I was thinking since it's already past six maybe we could just have pizza for dinner, what do you think?" There was a shuffling on the other end that informed Peter that his Aunt was multitasking and probably still busy.
Peter hummed as if thinking, "Me, a th'eenage boy want pi'th'a for th'inner?" He teased before realizing that his lisp was still very present and that May probably couldn't understand him. "That th'ounds great," He tried again, uhg, okay from now on Peter needed to avoid all words with the letter S and D in them.
May huffed a slight snicker on the other end, "I see that you did have to have that expander put in after all," Peter groaned and May laughed again. "Alright honey, I'll be home in about half an hour, could you order the pizza for me please?"
"Sure thing Aunt May," Peter agreed, before saying a quick goodbye to his aunt and opening up Gwen's contact and sending her a private text.
"Did you change my ring tone?! :(" He asked. Gwen had asked for his phone at lunch today and Peter hadn't thought anything of it at the time. But now he was regretting all his life decisions.
A moment later Peter's phone started ringing again "SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN, DOES WHATEVER A SPID-" He nearly dropped his phone in his surprise.
"Wha?" He snapped.
Gwen was on the other side laughing her butt off, Peter tried to talk over her giggling, "Gwen…Gwen, Imma hunt you down and Imma hurt you." He said, but he sounded a lot less threatening when he couldn't use any S's or D's, awe the trials and tribulations.
Gwen was stifling her snickers on the other side, and her smile was very evident in her voice as she responded, "But for real, I gotta ask, can you?"
"Can I wha?" Peter asked confusion furrowing his brow.
"Can you swing from a thread? Oh wait, take a look overhead, hey there! There goes the Spider-"
Peter didn't even feel bad as he hung up his phone in the middle of Gwen's singing.
This was not going well.
Why had Peter agreed to this?
What in the world had he been thinking when he said he would do this?
"Ma'am could you please repeat that again, I think something is wrong with our connection," The pizza guy said on the other side of the phone for the umpteenth time.
Peter has given up on telling the dude that he wasn't a woman, it just wasn't worth it. "I th'aid, one large pi'th'a with pepperoni, th'au'th'age, and mu'th'room," Peter huffed, trying to pronounce every word carefully, but it still wasn't working.
"Miss, could you please try calling back, maybe then I will be able to make out what you are saying," The pizza dude suggested again.
Finally, Peter let a frustrated growl pass his lips before he yelled "PEPPERONI, TH'AU'TH'AGE', AND MU'TH'ROOM!" Into the phone, his tongue slipping over the expander in his anger.
"Lady, there is no need to become hostile." Pizza dude huffed at Peter.
"AHH!" Peter slammed the home phone onto the wall with a yell, before stomping away.
Aunt May hung up her coat and place her keys on the corner table by the door before looking up to find a pouting teenager sitting on the stairs, his elbows on his knobby knees, his chin propped on his fists.
"What's wrong Peter?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at the fifteen-year-old as she slipped off her shoes.
"I couldn't order the pi'th'a." He said, his sentence a bit jumbled and very, very, slurred. He scowled with the last word, seeming to chew on the inside of his lip. He looked like he used to as a child when he was trying to figure out a problem; May has the urge to snap a picture of him. But she resisted it.
"Why not?" May asked.
"I called them, and they no know what I'm th'aying…th'ay-ing…th-a-y-ing" He tried again, looking very frustrated, May's fingers itched to grab her phone and take a photo. "Uhg, never mind." He huffed.
May hid a smirk behind her hand, forcing a cough to cover up her amusement. "Well, I'll just order it now. Why don't you pick out a movie?" She suggested.
Peter's expression brightened at that and he hopped off the stairs, "Okay," he agreed before he walked into the Livingroom and grabbed the remote.
May watched him for a moment, a smirk on her face one hand on her phone, fingers twitching to pull it out and turn on the camera.
She wondered how long he would have this lisp for? Her book club would be coming over tomorrow. All the girls would love to hear Peter like this.
It was a bit hard to eat with all the new equipment in Peter's mouth, but when there was a will there was a way. Now he was sitting next to May on the couch, the two of them sharing a blanket and binge watching Parks and Rec on Netflix. They hadn't been able to decide on a movie, but this was better anyways.
Peter ran his tongue over the expander again, he could swear a mushroom was stuck up there, and it was slowly driving him a crazy.
On the screen Andy Dwyer was talking "Some guy looked at my winner, touched it, that was kinda weird." He informed.
Before April replied, "That guy wasn't even a doctor," in her flat tone.
Andy's eyes bugged out of his head, "That's…what?!"
Peter snorted a laugh. "Oh my god, I love Andy." He commented. Except when he said Andy it came out sounding more like Annie.
May laughed, her hand running through Peter's long hair, he needed a haircut he knew, but they couldn't afford it right now. "How long is it supposed to take for you to stop lisping?" She asked.
Peter shrugged, still looking at the TV screen, "Kathy said a few days," he answered. Really she said around a week, but Peter was hoping that he would get used to the expander quicker than that.
May hummed, "Are you going to be home tomorrow? Or do you have plans?" She asked, her blue eyes going back to the screen.
Peter thought for a minute, biting at his lip before answering, "I'm not th'ure, might go out." He wanted to go on a patrol tomorrow, but if he was still lisping this bad he might call it off. He could use a day to himself anyway.
"Hm, maybe you should just hang out here with your old Aunt," May said.
Something in her tone sounded planning, and Peter pulled his eyes away from the screen to look over at his aunt, "May…?" He began, "Tomorrow wouldn'th happen to be your book club night, would it?" He asked.
May shrugged, "Why, yes, it is." She answered, not looking at Peter as she spoke.
"Annnd, are they coming over here?" He asked. Squinting his eyes at May in suspicion.
"Oh, you know what, I think they are," May said, a smirk on her face, her eyes still remaining on the TV.
"May!" Peter gasped in mock outrage, "You wanna embarra'th me in front of your book club!"
May bit her lip to hide a smile, looking away from Peter as she began playing with the hem of her sleeve, "Not to "embarra'th" you honey," May mimicked the way he said 'embarrass', causing Peter to glare. "I want to show you off." She informed.
Peter huffed at her, "Well, in that case, I do have plans, with Johnny."
May blew out a breath, "Fine, that's just fine." She waved a hand dismissively, turning back to the TV.
Why did Peter feel like this wasn't over?
Peter woke up to his phone 'dinging' over and over again with text messages. The teen rolled over and flopped an arm half-hazardly over to his bedside table and brought his phone to his face squinting up at the screen with a bit of irritation. Why were his friends texting him this early in the morning?
Rockin Watson- "Holy crap, u think he's seen it yet!? (◠﹏◠✿)"
Gwendy Bear- "I think we would know if he had seen it."
Flame Brain- "Oh my god, I love this day. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧"
Rockin Watson- "It really is amazing."
Flame Brain- "I'm framing it. I'm keeping it 4ever! (ง°ل͜°)ง"
Gwendy Bear- "U 2 are mean."
Gwendy Bear- "But yes, it is hilarious. (¬‿¬)"
Bug Boy- "Oh my god guys, what the heck are you all talking about?!" Peter sent back, groaning as he flopped onto his bed, letting an arm land on his face and cover his eyes.
Peter knew that whatever they were talking about had to be something to do with him, and he had a feeling that this meant bad things were in Peter's very near future. His friends were evil after all.
Flame Brain- "I WANNA TELL HIM!"
Flame Brain- "ME ME ME!"
Rockin Watson- "Oh my gawd Johnny, just tell him or I will."
Flame Brain- "Peter, go to the Daily Bugle's web page and click on their latest video,"
Bug Boy- "What? Nooooo! Why? What did they do? I wanna go back to sleep."
Peter rolled over stuffing his face into his pillow so that he could slowly suffocate. Yes, this was a plan. Or at least it had been, until his phone started ringing, "SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN, DOES WAHTEV-"
Peter huffed, "I go'th'a change dat." He mumbled to himself before answering. "Wha Johnny?" He asked, his exasperation clear in his voice.
"Congratulations lucky caller 57, you are now on live, with the Human Torch, Gwendolyn Stacy, and Mary Jane Watson!" Johnny said in his best radio show voice. Peter refused to tell him that he was pretty good at it.
"Hey, Tiger."
"Hi'ya sleepyhead." The two girls greeted him.
Peter groaned loudly into the receiver. "Why do you people do dis to me? What did I do to deserve dis?" He asked.
"Oh my god!" Mary Jane cooed over the line, "The lisp is still so baddddd," Johnny erupted into laughter at the same time that the girls did, and Peter crossed his arms over his chest, a betrayed pout on his face, even if no one could see it.
"Peter, say something else!" Johnny crowed on the other side, his voice garbled with his giggles.
"No! You th'uck," Peter told Johnny. That only caused more laughter to burst from Peter's speaker, and he had to pull the phone away from his face until the trio's mocking laughter died down a few moments later.
"Oh, oh my god. This is great." Johnny panted.
"No it's not Johnny, it's noth," Peter informed tersely.
"I think it's cute Peter, don't worry," Gwen informed.
"Yeah you can pull off a lisp Tiger," MJ pitched in. "Okay, but there is another reason we called Peter, go look at the Daily Bugle's website."
"I don't like where dis is going," Peter informed, even as he lifted himself out of his comfortable bed and plopped down into his office chair. "What am I looking for?" He asked.
"Oh, I think you'll know it when you see it," Gwen told him, a hint of a giggle coming from her. She had a cute laugh, unlike MJ's loud sound, and Johnny's obnoxious one. But maybe Peter was just being biased.
A moment later Peter made an outraged noise as he found what his traitorous friends were talking about. The newest news article was of course about a certain red and blue wall-crawler, but that wasn't what had Peter's cheeks reddening in embarrassment.
The heading read-
"Spider-Man Brain Damaged?"
Peter huffed as he heard his friends begin to holler with amusement again. "Wait, Peter, you gotta read it! The article is the best part!" Gwen told him in pure delight. Peter felt his face scrunch up in annoyance. He took it back; Gwen's laugh wasn't cute, it was, it was, un-cute.
"No, no, the video is the best part!" Johnny disagreed a moment later.
"Video!?" Peter squeaked, "Wha video?" He asked.
Johnny's voice was breathy and laced with mirth as he answered, "Dude, someone caught your fight with Sandman, it's gone viral."
Peter felt his stomach fall out his butt, "Nooooo," He breathed, his cheeks redder than his suit at this point.
MJ cleared her throat to get the last few chuckles out before she began reading, "It seems that the wall-crawler Spiderman has finally taken one too many hits to the head. Spiderman was seen yesterday seeming perhaps concussed or maybe even suffering from a form of stroke. His speech slurred and unrecognizable, New Yorker's all over wonder, what has happened? Well, I ask you this, if Spiderman can't take care of his own well-being, how can we expect him to take care of ours?"
MJ continued to read as Peter slammed his head down on his desk repeatedly, "Nooooooo. I hate you all so much. So much…I want a divorce, I want full cus'th'ody of the children. I'm leaving you all, this isn't working." He began to babble, the beginnings of a headache forming in the front of his skull.
Johnny cackled on the other side of the phone, MJ still reading in the background, Gwen laughing. "THIS IS MY FAVORITE DAY!" Johnny called.
Blame the Anon on my Tumbler for making me think of this idea...They made me do it...It's all their fault. (Okay, maybe this fic is a little my fault too)
Please let me know if you enjoyed the more...messy...way of writing. I was trying something new, and I'm not sure how people will like it. *shrugs*
See you in a few days my peeps, Fernandidilly-yo out!