Chapter 2: Hermione's POV
Authors Note: Again the song lyrics from "Dying" by Five for Fighting and Jo's World are not mine. They just let me visit every once and a while…This is a companion piece instead of chapter two because the tone is distinctly different
I shouldn't have a crush on him. It messes up everything. He's too old, I'm supposed to be with Ronald…or Harry, but anyone but him. A glance from him shouldn't send my pulse racing, beating in my head so hard I can't think. An accidental touch shouldn't lead to sleepless nights imagining his elegant hands exploring my body. Why me? Why in my graduating year am I reduced to a babbling, hormonal lusting teenager in the presence of one Professor Snape—my SLYTHERIN Potions Master!!!
I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again
And of course he complicated things last night. Dancing with me. Merlin, I found my heaven in those broad secure arms. We swayed in the night as if time stopped, as if it was simply nonexistence. We were that moment completely. And that was all it should have been…a dance between two strangers. But why did I have to bloody kiss him! Why was I that stupid! That kiss made me his body and soul…that searing demanding kiss that broke down all the walls I had built around my heart. And damn him to hell, he has no clue, no idea. And It's my fault. I walked away. How could I have walked away! I should have pulled him close and demanded he possess me, he love me as deeply as I loved him. A million things have been racing in my head all night; a million ways to have told him, "Please don't take your love away from me. Please give this a chance." Hell he might have even wanted to but I was too afraid of hearing no. I couldn't handle his rejection because I respect him. If he didn't want me…I don't know. I could never be happy because I would have to wake up every day knowing that I wasn't good enough. Ironic really, the Gryffindor Princess was afraid…funny, maybe the Sorting Hat got it wrong after all.
I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again
He hasn't been able to look at me in the Great Hall, in class. I stare openly at him, begging for a sign that he wants me too, that he hates me, just a sign of what he is thinking. I hate this uncertainty.
The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive
Nothing. I've gotten nothing. And in less than two weeks, I will be robbed of his presence forever. I'm graduating, being thrown from the only home I've ever known. As much as my parents love me, they don't understand our world. They don't know the rush of magic flowing through your veins those moments before you conjure a spell. Being ripped from his presence will hurt just as much as leaving Hogwarts. He means more to me than he will ever realize.
Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
Sometimes I wonder if he would ever take me seriously. If we had meet in a different place, a different time, could he have been able to give a relationship with me a chance? I am so lost to all these thoughts racing around in my head that I bump into someone taking my same path along the lake surrounding the castle.
Oh Merlin's Beard! It's him.
We both stopped, locked in this moment. It was too awkward for me to say anything, but I couldn't leave. I was just trapped in those handsome eyes. Wait I shouldn't be noticing this. No, he isn't handsome. He's a greasy git, he's just a greasy git. He is so pale it looks almost sickly and the way his hair limply hangs in front of his face is not particularly flattering.
But why does the mere sight of him make me hungry with need? This dark, brooding man was the key to the Order's victory. He placed himself on the line for the sake of the many. It takes a special man to do that and I want to understand that man. I want to be the one he turns to when he has troubles. I want to be the one he needs. I want to be the one he holds at night, the one whose name he moans when he climaxes in pleasure, the one who he sneaks in love sessions with when the kids are asleep.
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
"I'm sorry," are the two words that snap me out of my revere. I shake my head to help me focus and then I see it…I see the sorrow and need in his eyes. That was all I needed to see.
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I slowly move my hand to stroke his face, giving him enough him to push me away but praying he doesn't. He doesn't. So I gently caress his alabaster skin enjoying how big of a step this is for him. He is slowly letting me in and I'll be damned if I run away this time. I learn from my mistakes. "Thank you," I whisper hoping he understands. He does.
I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again
I wonder if I should. Would it be too soon? I can't look at him. I can't let him know what I'm thinking. As soon as my eyes reach our shoes, I feel his hand on my chin gently forcing my head up. He looks at me questioningly…damn it I have to ask him now.
"Will you go out on a date with me?" I manage to squeak out before he captures my mouth in a hungry kiss. He gently tickles my lips with his tongue, begging for the entrance I am too willing to give. He explores my mouth softly, passionately. God if this is what it feels like to lose control, I don't know what I've been avoiding all these years. He slowly pulls away and I can't help but feel a sense of loss.
"I hope you take that as a yes" are quite possibly the sweetest words I've ever heard.