Splinter

kash30032000

Colonel Mustang was in the middle of filling out paperwork when there was a knock at his door.

"Come in," he called. He heard the door to his personal office open as the person entered the room. He looked up from his desk to see the newest, and youngest, State Alchemist enter the room. "Fullmetal, how nice of you to show up," he said sarcastically. "And you're only-" he looked at the clock on his desk and gave a mocked gasp. "-four hours late. That's a new record. You're usually three and a half hours late."

"Shut up," hissed Ed. "Al and I just got into town a couple of hours ago and I needed a nap."

Mustang watched as Ed limped towards his desk, favoring his right leg. The blond tossed a sheet of paper onto the desk before backing towards one of the couches and sitting himself down.

Mustang lifted the paper from his desk and frowned. It consisted of one sentence that was only four words long: The mines are fine.

"You call this a report?" asked Mustang. "You didn't even put a date on here let alone your name. How am I supposed to know who the report is from and when it was written?"

"Did you send anyone else out to Youswell?" seethed Ed.

"Fullmetal, this is not acceptable." Mustang threw the report onto the desk so that the sheet of paper slid to the edge. "Reports are at least three pages long and includes a title, date, and the name of the soldier giving the report. They are also typed and not handwritten."

"And where the hell am I supposed to find a typewriter on the train!?" yelled Ed.

He banged his fists against his knees in anger. His face suddenly turned to one in pain as he clenched his teeth stifling a cry.

Mustang rose an eyebrow. "Fullmetal, are you hurt?" he asked.

"No," replied Ed. Mustang gave a skeptical look. "Fine. I got something stuck in my knee from when I fell in the park."

"Awww," Mustang said in a mocking baby voice. "Did little Eddie fall off the baby swing?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CAN USE A POPCORN KERNEL AS A BASKETBALL!?"

Mustang laughed. Seeing Ed explode like this was simply too much fun.

"Settle down," said Mustang. "It sounds like you might have a splinter. Let me see it." Mustang got up from his chair and walked around his desk to the couch where Ed was sitting. Ed looked up at him contemplating on rather or not he was going to show the Colonel. "Does it hurt?"

"Of course it doesn't," snapped Ed. "Does it look like I'm a kid? I'm a State Alchemist!"

"Well then, Mr. State Alchemist, show me your knee."

Ed hesitated before getting to his feet and undoing the buckle of his brown belt. Once his belt was open, he unbuttoned his pants and unzipped his fly and pulled his pants down to his ankles revealing light blue boxers. He sat back down on the couch and extened his flesh leg.

Mustang crouched down so that he could get a closer look at Ed's knee. In the center of the knee was a small piece of skin that had been lifted from the rest of the knee due to a small piece of wood that was sticking slightly out of the skin. The area around the splinter had turned red due to Ed's light complexion.

"It's just a little splinter," Mustang said. "I'll just take it out." He placed a comforting hand on Ed's shoulder. "It might sting a little, but you're going to be just fine."

Ed slapped Mustang's hand away. "I'm not a kid," he said. "I'm a State Alchemist. I can handle it." Mustang chuckled before getting to his feet. He walked over to his desk pulling open a drawer and got out a pair of silver tweezers. Ed's eyes widened. "W-What are those?" he asked.

"They're tweezers," answered Mustang. "I'm going to use them to pull out the splinter."

"I-I-I-I changed my mind," stammered Ed. "I-I-I don't want you to pull it out."

"Oh? Why not?"

"B-B-B-Because...u-um...I-I-I...Al's waiting for me."

"Al can wait. We have to take care of this splinter before you get an infection."

Mustang advanced and Ed started squirming on the couch.

"I-I-I just remembered I have to use the bathroom."

Mustang continued walking. "You can go afterwards. It'll only take a second."

"It will only take a second to piss on myself."

At this point, Ed was standing on the couch cushion and scrambling backwards trying to climb up the couch.

"Please, if you had to pee that bad you would have gone to the bathroom before coming here."

Mustang stopped in front od Ed with the tweezers in hand. He reached for Ed's right leg.

"DON'T!" yelled Ed. "IT'S GUNNA HURT!"

Mustang froze with confusion. Of course it was going to hurt. His skin was punctured by something sharp.

"It hurts now, doesn't it?" asked Mustang. "Once I pull it out it will feel better."

Mustang reached again.

"NO!" yelled Ed. "DON'T TOUCH ME! ALPHONSE! ALPHONSE!"

"It's not going to hurt that bad," coaxed Mustang.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Mustang glanced at the door that led to the outer office. He was sure that Hawkeye and the others were wondering what was going on.

"Ed, calm down," he said. "I thought you were a State Alchemist."

"I am a State Alchemist!" whined Ed.

"Then be brave and let me take this splinter out."

"IT'S GUNNA HURT," Ed repeated.

"It's hurting now," replied Mustang.

"Just let me go! I want to go!"

The door to the office suddenly opened. Hawkeye appeared in the doorway with a perplexed look on her face.

"What's going on here?" she asked.

"The Colonel's trying to kill me," answered Ed. "Call the police."

"That's not true," said Mustang. "Fullmetal has a splinter and I was trying to pull it out for him, but he started acting like a little bitch."

Hawkeye walked over to stand next to Mustang. She folded her arms and leaned in to stare at the small dark mark that was the splinter on Ed's knee.

"That looks deep," she said. "We're going to have to pull that out."

"It's going to hurt!" cried Ed.

"It's hurting now," replied Hawkeye. "We either pull it out the normal way, or I'm going to hold you down. Either way that splinter is coming out."

Ed's eyes widened. He clapped his hands together and sparked his automail blade.

"Touch me!" he yelled. "Touch me! I dare you! I'll cut your throats!"

Mustang froze. Was Ed that scared of getting the splinter pulled that he would threaten to hurt someone else?

"Edward, be reasonable," said Hawkeye. "If you get an infection we'll have to take you to the hospital and they're going to cut off your leg. Do you want to lose your leg?"

"I've already lost a leg," said Ed. "I'm not scared."

Mustang looked around for something that would seem appealing to Ed. If he could pull the splinter in exchange for something Ed wanted then perhaps...

Mustang spotted a brown bag on his desk. He walked over to the desk picking up the bag and then returned holding it out to Ed.

"If you let me pull it, I'll give you my lunch," he said in a bribing voice. "It's a steak sandwich from that sandwich shop down the street."

Ed looked at the bag with interest. He then slapped the bag out of the Colonel's hand with the flat of his blade and knocked it clean out the window.

"It's my knee!" cried Ed. "If I want a piece of wood sticking out of it, then a piece of wood is going to stick out of it."

Mustang sighed. It came to this. "Lieutenant, can you leave us alone for a moment?"

Hawkeye looked between the two alchemist. She had a feeling if she left now they were going to kill each other. However this was an order. And she obeyed her orders.

"Yes, sir," she said.

She left the room closing the door behind her. Mustang turned his attention to Ed, who remained still not knowing what to do about the change in the situation.

"I'll just leave it there," Mustang said. "I can't believe you would act this way over a small piece of wood. Then again, you are a kid. A little kid."

"I am NOT little," said Ed. "Go ahead and take it out! I can take it! I'm a State Alchemist!"

Ed slid down the back of the couch into his seat. He held his leg out allowing Mustang to gently grasp it.

Mustang leveled the tweezers with the spinter before looking up at Ed.

"This may sting a little," he said. "But know that I would never hurt you on purpose...while you are in pain."

"Colonel..." Ed said softly. "I-I'm a State Alchemist."

"Yes you are," Mustang said gently. "A brave one." Ed hissed in pain as Mustang grabbed the small piece of wood with the tweezers. He then slowly pulled until the wood left Ed's knee. "See?" He showed Ed the piece of wood between the tweezers. "That wasn't so bad."

"Of course not," said Ed. "I'm a State Alchemist."

Mustang got to his feet and returned to his desk leaving Ed to adjust his pants. He sat down picking up the sheet of paper that was Ed's report.

"About this report," said Mustang. "It's a little..." He looked up at Ed and smirked. "Short."

Ed stopped in the process of buttoning his pants to round on Mustang.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HIS SPLINTER IS TALLER THAN HIM!?"

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