Bella is a vampire already. She lives with Charlie. Bella and Edward are engaged. Post life-changing accident. It's a spoof on fan fiction-if you may.
Enjoy, and feel free to flame and blaze me with hate and criticism if you dislike it.

--Bella's House--

"Hello?"
Edward called from the porch of Bella's house. He stepped inside. There was an unmistakable smell coming from the kitchen. Just then he heard a quick

"I'm in here!" from Bella in the kitchen.

As usual, Bella was making some sort of disgusting microwaved crap in the kitchen. The whole house smelled of it. He wondered why she still prepared the food she did not eat.
They met by the door. They embraced. Like always.

"Hello Bella."

"Hey, Edward! You caught me in the middle of making Charlie's dinner."

"I could smell it when I walked in the door."

"Did you miss me?" she inquired with false curiosity.

"Oh, I've missed you deeply, you dearly, dearie, dear weirdo."

Bella smiled in ignorance and slight amusement at the comment. She, for no apparent reason, adored the way he called her "weirdo". Perhaps it was because the being called 'weirdo' was better than some of the other names he had taken a fancy to calling her. Lately, at least.
As the day would grow on however this statement would grow less and less true.

Clearly excited Edward said to her,
"Guess what doll?!"

Then Edwards face dropped at the sight of her pants. They were a rich scarlet, and on them he could see the mess she had made earlier that day.

"What?" Bella exclaimed.

Edwards face tensed up a bit. "Jacob" he thought angrily.
"Oh, nothing. Never mind" he lied to her.

"What?"

"No, nothing."

"No, just tell me what you were going to say."

"No nothing. Just drop it."

"What? Why won't you tell me?! Why are you hiding these things from me like this?!"
Bella was clearly growing distressed. She was so moody lately, ever since the accident.

"Nothing. Just be quiet okay? It's going to upset you that I've noticed this." He said aloud. It was sure upsetting him.
It was already beginning. Her annoying stupidity was growing.

"I promise not to get both sad and mad." She said, trying to cover up her distressing with simplistic words and silly requests.

"No, I don't want risk insulting you and I don't want you to get upset by this. Please dear, it doesn't matter, just be quiet. It's not important anyway. Just be sure to wash you pants."

"JUST TELL ME EDWARD!!" she began to let out a frustrated sob.

"JUST DROP IT BITCH!" Edward shouted. He didn't like shouting at her, but Bella can be SO incredibly annoying. And since he had had a hard morning arguing with Emmett over where to hunt and what for (Emmett can be so stubborn when it comes to his bears), he was already on his last straw and it was only 2:33 in the afternoon.

Bella dropped her pants in confusion.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He then sighed. Bella, his once souls mate, was now the source of his recent aggravation.

Bella cried. "I hate you! You're a meanie pants who doesn't tell me anything! You're so concealed and conceited because of you in your mind-reading mind! and now I'm not wearing any pants!" She was so whiney! It was getting worse and worse everyday and makes absolutely no sense. She was moody, and dull and irrational. Truly, an emotional wreck. She went to run upstairs, but decided aganist it. She just stood there in her emotional mess and sobbed some more.

"ALRIGHT. OKAY. FINE. I WASN'T GONNA SAY IT, BUT NOW I AM. BELLA YOU HAVE SOME VOMIT ON YOUR SKIRT!"

"w-what?"

"Vomit. Your skirt." He gestured to the mess on her lap.

Bella wept. Edward groaned. Ugh. How annoying the afternoon was turning out to be.

Bella was sleeping with him again.
She always vomited after she slept with him. It was just a habit-you know almost like biting your nails, well maybe not as minor as biting your nails but pretty close. Almost. It drove Edward crazy, them sleeping together. Edward was getting used to it by now, however it still drove him crazy to know that they had just done it without him. He could read Jacobs thoughts a mile away sometimes even two-but he had just come back from hunting from about 17 miles away-so he wouldn't have known-if not for the vomit now massacring his nose and positioned on to Bella's scarlet colored pants. Her fashion choices were becoming more and more horrendous-after all, she was dressing herself now.

Just then, and for no apparent or logical reason, Alice magically popped her head into Bella's kitchen. She randomly spat out, "HI EVERYBODY! IT RAINS POPCORN IN HEAVEN!! SHOPPING IS FUN!! SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!!" She then left, running in circles and out the door while manically laughing to herself. She ripped off all her clothing and ran for the woods. Edward and Bella watched from the kitchen window.

Suddenly, the door bell rang.
Edward glanced out the window to see who it was.

Harry Clearwater. Back from the dead, and in his hands was a plate covered in tin foil.

Bella, being the ignorant fool she is called to her father upstairs-not realizing the man on their front porch was a zombie.

"Dad!"

"What?!" he cried back.

"Harry Clearwater is here! I think he has some of that fried fish you like!"

Bella was too stupid to realize Harry had been dead for nearly 6 months. She and Jacob had mourned together with Edward at her side; her father was a bit more prude and kept to himself in that time of sadness. He was still recovering from it and was getting over his grief little by little everyday.

"Mr. Clearwater is here!" Bella said in complete oblivion.

"Ohhkayy Bella!!" Bella was not to be taken seriously by anyone anymore. Just agreeing with her was Charlie's usual technique in dealing with her bizarre claims and silly shouting. But he was just responding, not putting any thought into his speech. But replaying her words in his head, he neglected to see that his lover was really dead and his delayed and illogical realization kicked in. Charlie's lover was here, at his home.

You could hear Charlie scrambling to get his bearings even from downstairs. Charlie often gets caught up cleaning his gun now a days. Damn chimpanzees are everywhere. Ever since the circus abandoned the chimp cart in Forks 6 weeks ago, Charlie has killed roughly 23 monkeys. He finds them in his car, the attic, and even, at the station. Sometimes he would lock them in the small jail cell there and practice his shooting. After all, live and moving targets are bound to improve your skill and Charlie was developing a blood lust. When he was done he would usually thrown them into peoples backyards, allowing them to rid of the body themselves. He would sometimes bring the corpses home for dinner too. Bella makes a tasty microwaved chimpanzee with mustard. Ah, those delicious damn annoying chimps. Mmmm, the chimps. He was caught up in his thoughts when Bella had called.
This, plus his distraction to his lovers death had kept Charlie from hearing the door bell ring in the first place.

"OOOOOH MYYYY!!" Charlie eagerly expressed. He was so happy and very excited. Charlie, at the mention of his lover's name had quickly forgot that Harry Clearwater was dead.

Edward opened the door to the zombie that awaited Charlie. One of the mindless tasks he had picked up from Bella lately. He was beginning to believe her idiocy was contagious.

Clearwater was a ticked off zombie by now though, he had been waiting on the porch for nearly 8 minutes. He (Mr. SexyHarryPants) counted these things now that he was a mindless zombie. A mindless zombie is obsessed by not only brains, but time too. This, and love. A powerful love between two grown men can withstand death-on both ends of the string called life. Actually, such a love between two grown men can withstand just about anything.

"Charlie! My love," was the first thing the zombie managed to mutter out of his empty and lonesome lips.
Harry dropped the fried fish from his hands on to the floor and rushed on towards his lover.
Charlie, too much in love to realize his deeply missed love was no longer living, eagerly embraced Harry Clearwater and they shared a long, meaningfully romantic, and much awaited hug.

"I've missed you so much!" was the first thing Charlie said to his new zombie lover.

"I've been waiting for you" Charlie said in his oh-so-disturbing sexy voice "and I've got a surprise for you…"

Charlie backed up a bit and ripped off his clothing.

Beneath his uniform he wore a sparkly red man thong. He had been secretly wearing it under his clothing for months, and this was evident by the smell it wreaked of. He had worn it hoping that it would bring him luck and when his luck was granted, a little pleasure for the one he would share it with. The thong was present in countless clubs, bars, and blind dates, but it had not seen any action whatsoever.

Bella and Edward awkwardly shifted into the kitchen. Bella picked up the seemingly ruined fish off the floor. She would find something to do with it anyway. Maybe tuck it into her father's hot microwaved chimpanzee and mustard.

Edward in the mean time had figured a zombie wouldn't do much harm to Charlie. Although he could not read Harry Clearwater's mind (being that he no longer had a mind), the old fart couldn't be harmed much anyhow. He had a gun upstairs. Wait-what good could a gun do? Guns kill more people than they do protect them. What? Oh, never mind about guns. And he could still read Charlie's thoughts to see if he was being eaten. And if something somehow did happen, he would be nearby. He decided he would keep a close watch from afar, and open ears for sound.

He had always suspected that Harry Clearwater's Fried Fish was a bit more than just 'fried fish' anyway.

As they shifted in their awkward graces and steps, Harry and Charlie shifted to the couch. Here, was where they would make sweet, sweeet love for the next three hours or so. Just like they did in the past, before Harry had suffered that final and fatal heart attack and had died so many months ago.

--end--

hehe... done! (ooh! look at me! adding exclamation marks to everything i write! oohhh! yay! i'm so exclamation happy!! ohh! and annoying!)
you might as well go on to chapter two, as you already made it this far. it gets better... SO READ ON!

please I would really love some feedback (good and bad-yup i give unnecessary permission for you to go ahead and flame it)