{Come along, come along with me...
Come along now, come along and you'll see
what it's like to be free...
Come along now, come along with me,
and I'll ease your pain...
Come along, come along with me,
and let's seize this day...
Oh, come along with me...
Vicci Martinez - Come Along}
Nikita Mears was hard-core - Alex had worked that out the instant she woke up locked in a makeshift sauna. That impression had only been reinforced a few days later when Nikita forced Windex down her throat to make her puke up the bottle of pills she'd taken in an ill-considered (and never again repeated) attempt to kill herself.
Nikita wasn't cruel or unkind to Alex in any way - even Alex's worst moments were met with compassion and pragmatism rather than anger or blame - but she was strict, and an obvious control freak. Alex had chafed at it at first, but being clean (both literally and metaphorically), safe, and well-fed for the first time she could remember had gotten her past that pretty quickly.
When Nikita said she was doing things for Alex's own good, she meant it. She apparently also meant it when she said Alex needed to learn to be her own person, to think and act for herself - Alex, of course, obliged her by pushing at their still-forming boundaries time and time again, until she was sure Nikita was going to haul off and smack her a good one.
Nikita never did, though, not once. If anything, she subtly egged Alex on while yielding just enough to let Alex feel like she was starting to regain control over her own life - Alex had never felt more powerful than the first time she won an argument with Nikita and got her way, even if it had only been deciding what they ate for dinner one night.
She would have expected to feel stifled and confined in Nikita's loft - trips outside were kept carefully limited in those first few weeks, with good reason - but she'd felt oddly comfortable there. Then, one day, she'd realized with a soul-shaking jolt that she'd come to consider it home - to actually feel safe there.
The nightmares still came when she slept - the burning room, Papa's dead body - but Alex expected those would be with her for the rest of her life. They didn't really bother her all that much, anyway - they were bad, sure, but Alex was more interested in the crack they exposed in Nikita's tough-as-nails exterior.
Nikita Mears - stoic, hard-ass, and control freak - dragged herself from her bed to check on Alex at even the slightest hint that she was having another nightmare. Alex had feigned sleep the first few times Nikita came to check on her, waiting with bated breath to see if that oh-so-gentle hand brushing the hair away from her face would turn on her.
Finally, though, Alex had been able to understand that Nikita wasn't like that - her only interest was in comforting a scared girl. The strange thing was the way Nikita somehow just *got* how weird Alex was about being touched outside of those moments - so much so that Alex started to suspect she had her own horror stories to share. *Something* had to have driven her to start using Ketamine to escape the world, even if she'd been clean for years now.
Alex hadn't missed the engagement ring on Nikita's left hand - or the picture of her with some guy that Alex had found tucked away in a drawer when she went snooping one day. She was also a much lighter sleeper than Nikita realized, and she learned pretty quickly that Nikita cried herself to sleep at night after she thought Alex was out cold.
That was when Alex finally realized a couple of things herself. One: Nikita was devoting all her energy to taking care of her, but no one was taking care of Nikita. Two: that thought affected her far more deeply than it probably should have.
Avoiding the second thought - not one emotional attachment in her life had ever ended well - Alex focused instead on the first. She didn't have much to offer, of course, but what little support she could give Nikita had to be better than none at all.
Nikita didn't make it easy for her, either. Alex tried coming at things sideways to see if she could slip past Nikita's defenses, but she wasn't good enough at it yet to fool Nikita - the closest they got to an actual discussion of Nikita's emotional state was a short and painfully awkward conversation that Nikita directed right back around to Alex.
Never one to give up easily, Alex got sneaky. It was almost ridiculously easy, given Alex's skill set - a couple phony whimpers, followed by some equally phony waterworks, and Nikita was too focused on consoling Alex over her big bad nightmare to worry about anything else.
From there, it had only taken a few words uttered in a scared-little-girl voice to get Nikita to lay down beside her - spooned up against her, actually, because that was the only thing their tiny beds allowed for. It worked like a charm, that night and every night after - Nikita always fell back asleep again while waiting for Alex to do the same, and then slept soundly until she moved back to her own bed at dawn.
It was dirty, and underhanded, and Alex knew that Nikita would never call her on it even if she did manage to figure it out. It also wasn't as much of a con as it might have seemed - Alex discovered pretty quickly that the arrangement helped her sleep better, too, though she refused to think too much about why.
The arrangement wasn't without its complications, of course. It wasn't that Alex minded the physical proximity - if anything, it was the exact opposite. Breaking down that wall between herself and Nikita left Alex aware of the other woman in a way she hadn't planned for, especially after Nikita decided it was time to start teaching her yoga and some basic self-defense.
Years spent as a drugged-out teenaged sex slave had effectively killed any libido Alex might have possessed - or so she'd thought. In some ways, it was a relief to catch herself seeking out the hint of green in Nikita's eyes, or to find herself staring stupidly at the way Nikita's muscles moved under her skin - it meant that she wasn't nearly as broken as she'd always feared she was.
It meant that Alex could still want, even if it was in a weird, lopsided sort of way. She couldn't care less if Nikita ever touched her - she'd had too many hands on her body already to want any more of them - but she desperately wanted to touch Nikita. She also wanted to kiss Nikita, just once, to see if Nikita tasted like honey the way Alex imagined she did.
Alex, of course, knew better than to do either - there was no good reason for a 26-year-old woman to want a screwed-up 18-year-old junkie perving over her. Not that any of that kept Alex from looking, and looking hard - neither of them worried much about privacy and bodily modesty, given their backgrounds, so Alex got an eyeful of half-dressed Nikita on a pretty regular basis.
It also left Alex much more prone to showing off her own body than she otherwise would have been. She couldn't help it, though - just the few short weeks she'd been living with Nikita had cleared up her skin and put some meat and muscle back onto her bones. When Nikita caught her staring at herself in the mirror, admiring her new curves, she'd actually stopped to remark on it too, making Alex's whole day - hell, her whole week.
Alex knew full well that Nikita hadn't been checking her out - not like that, anyway - but just knowing that Nikita thought she looked good was an amazing ego boost from a safe source. The 'safe' part was probably the most important - Alex trusted Nikita to keep her hands to herself, so much so that she even felt comfortable flirting with her a little sometimes just for the hell of it.
Nikita always responded to Alex's flirtation with some harmless flirting of her own, and the pattern of their days together was set pretty quickly. They talked and bantered and argued like best friends while Alex soaked up everything Nikita had to teach her - Alex eventually started to feel like a whole human being again, and Nikita stopped crying herself to sleep every night.
It was safe, and warm, and happy - the word for it, Alex learned, was 'idyllic' - and it was exactly what the both of them had so desperately needed. In hindsight, Alex should have known it couldn't stay perfect forever - that, sooner or later, something would mess it all up. She *did* know that, actually, but she got careless, and then got blindsided.
To be fair, Alex would have been better prepared to cope if Nikita hadn't been so close-mouthed about her past. As it was, all she knew was that Nikita suddenly started getting moodier and moodier - more so than usual, anyway - until Alex woke up one morning to find her dangerously close to a relapse.
Oh, Nikita hid it well, but Alex would have been a damn poor student not to recognize the same coping mechanisms Nikita herself had taught her. Alex had realized in that moment how truly isolated they both were - she was in no shape to help Nikita, and there was absolutely no one she could call in to help - and it had been terrifying.
For lack of anything else to do, Alex started with the basics, drawing on the things Nikita had tried to help her on her really bad days. She badgered and whined and cajoled until Nikita took them both out for lunch and some shopping - and when that didn't entirely do the trick, she got them both to the first available NA meeting in the area.
It was at the meeting that Alex finally learned what was eating at Nikita: it was the second anniversary of her fiance Daniel's death. Nikita couched it all in mundane terms that still expressed her grief and loss, but Alex could read between the lines - Division had killed Daniel after he learned too much, making it look like an accident.
There wasn't much mention of that first anniversary, but Alex could read between the lines there, too. Nikita hadn't relapsed then because it simply hadn't been an option - she'd been scared and on the run, and too angry still to let Division win by self-destructing like her superiors had always predicted she would.
The anger had faded now, though, leaving Nikita with a raw, soul-shattering pain that she didn't know how to handle. Alex had felt some very real pain of her own in that moment, as she'd realized that she was too screwed up to even know how to begin comforting her only real friend.
Fortunately, the others at the meeting did. One woman in particular - who probably had more years sober than Alex had alive - seemed to know exactly what to say to help Nikita step back from the edge she was balanced so precariously on.
The three of them went for coffee after the meeting ended - coffee that lasted for a good couple hours as Nikita just talked and talked. Alex, for her part, watched with a gratitude she'd never be able to fully express as Nikita was finally able to breathe again. Alex tried her best to thank the woman when Nikita left them alone for a moment, but the words just wouldn't come out right.
The woman simply smiled at her and patted her hand, while pushing over a napkin with a hastily scrawled number on it. "Don't worry, honey, your girlfriend is strong - she'll get through this. If she needs to talk again, though, just have her call me."
Alex was too stunned at the woman's kindness to explain that Nikita wasn't her girlfriend. Even after she regained her wits, she just tucked the napkin away in a pocket, grateful to have someone to call on if she or Nikita needed help - it was doubtful that either of them would ever see the woman again after that night, but simply knowing that number existed let Alex relax a little for the first time that day.
When they all finally left the coffee shop, Alex could tell the crisis had passed. The only real sign that Nikita was still a little rough around the edges was the fact that she wanted to stop on the way home to pick up some wine.
Alex wasn't so sure that was a good idea, even with Nikita's assurances that she drank wine all the time without any issues, and had only abstained for Alex's benefit - it was too easy to substitute one drug for another. Still, when Nikita turned Alex's tentative objections into a coherent, balanced discussion on the subject - and offered to skip the wine altogether if it made her uncomfortable still - Alex decided it wouldn't hurt anything to say yes just this once.
She did make Nikita promise to limit herself to two glasses, though, just to be safe - Nikita was tiny, but two glasses shouldn't faze her much. Also, if Nikita was at home sipping on overpriced wine, she wasn't out somewhere else getting high or out somewhere harassing armed Division agents - in that moment, Alex finally understood Nikita's insistence on keeping her home most of the time.
Nikita had pretty much returned to her usual self by the time they got back to the loft. She set the wine to chill, explaining the proper temperature for drinking it, and started explaining that particular wine's origins and history - she also explained a bit about wines in general, and the proper procedure for tasting them.
Alex wasn't even marginally interested, to be honest - the only thing she'd ever really worried about when drinking was getting drunk as quickly and thoroughly as possible - but it was all clearly important to Nikita. She did her best to pay attention and follow along, and it must have worked, because Nikita's smile at the end of the impromptu lesson definitely seemed pleased.
That smile, however, wasn't enough to get Alex out of the rest of her schoolwork - Nikita was bizarrely insistent on fixing the gaps in Alex's education, and had worked up an entire homeschool curriculum that had been neglected during their day out. For once, though, Alex wasn't complaining - it was a sign that Nikita was getting back to normal.
The rain that had been threatening all day finally let loose as Alex cracked open the copy of Sun Tzu's Art Of War that Nikita had given her to read through. Truth be told, she was actually enjoying the book - not that she'd ever tell Nikita that, of course - but it was a real struggle not to let the drumming of the rain on the roof lull her straight to sleep.
A struggle Alex lost, apparently, as she woke suddenly to the sound of thunder loud enough to rattle the windows. A quick check of the clock said that she'd only been out a couple hours, but that had been long enough for night to fall - the loft was dark now, lit only by a few randomly placed candles and the occasional flash of lightning.
Alex panicked for a second when she didn't spot Nikita immediately, but the next lightning flash threw Nikita's silhouette into sharp relief against one of the windows - it was the one farthest away from the living area, which was why Alex hadn't spotted her immediately. She stood gazing out of that window in a typically Nikita-esque stance, one arm wrapped around herself, though the wine glass in her free hand was new to Alex.
The wine bottle itself still sat in the ice bucket, though it had been moved over to a flat surface near the window. There was no way to tell how much was left in it, even with the lightning, and Alex steeled herself to raise hell if Nikita had broken her promise to stick to two glasses - she didn't honestly expect to win the resulting argument, but she could definitely make her displeasure known.
Even with that weighing on her mind, Alex couldn't keep from staring as she walked over to the window. Nikita was wearing one of those short, loose dresses that she loved so much, this time without the leggings she usually wore underneath them - the skirt came to mid-thigh at best, leaving her legs completely bare.
There was probably a name for whatever kind of dress that was - and Nikita had probably told it to her - but all Alex really cared about was the fact that those excruciatingly short hemlines always made her hands itch to slide up under them to see what they were (barely) covering. She had a little more trouble than usual shaking off that thought, and her irritation showed in her voice. "That better be your first or second glass."
"It's my second," Nikita assured her, apparently not the least bit startled by Alex's sudden appearance as she turned to face her. "About today - I know it was hard for you. It won't happen again."
There was just enough light for Alex to catch the flicker of guilt in Nikita's eyes before it got hidden away - guilt, and more of the pain that even Nikita's best efforts couldn't completely hide. Alex's chest constricted at the thought of Nikita burying all of that grief and anger, just because it was what she figured Alex needed from her - and then something in Alex just snapped.
There wasn't any sort of conscious decision to act on Alex's part, just a driving need to help ease the pain of the one person in her life who'd ever cared enough to try and do the same. She knew it wasn't quite the right thing to do even as she reached for Nikita, but it was the only way she'd ever learned to comfort another human being.
The kiss was nothing like the one she'd always imagined when she thought of this moment. It was raw, graceless, too much like the desperate fumbling she and some of the other girls had shared to distract themselves when life in the brothels became unbearable - before Alex could stop it or change it, though, it struck some similar chord of desperation in Nikita and jumped completely out of either woman's control.
Somehow, thankfully, Nikita managed to take that control back long enough to stop the kiss and push Alex away. She looked every bit as shaken as Alex felt, barely managing to set her wineglass aside before it slipped from her hand. "I already told you before, Alex - you don't owe me. Not this. Not ever."
"I know. That's why I'm offering." Alex's voice was surprisingly steady given the fact that her insides were all in knots. She had no Plan B for if Nikita shut her down completely, and wasn't entirely sure she could manage Plan A even if Nikita didn't say no.
Still, faking it until she figured things out was totally in Alex's wheelhouse - as was seizing on any potential weakness in someone's defenses. She moved in for a second kiss, pressing Nikita back against the window glass as she let herself give in to an unspoken but long-standing desire to see how her imagination matched up to reality.
Alex was pressed so closely against Nikita that she was pretty sure air couldn't have fit between them - not that she was thinking too hard about much of anything right then. She hadn't given any thought at all to her own response when planning this, and she was completely unprepared for the intensity of it.
The whole world narrowed itself down heartbeat by heartbeat until Nikita was the only thing in it - the taste of berries and spice on Nikita's tongue, the lingering scent of white tea and ginger on Nikita's skin, and the silkiness of Nikita's hair as it slid through Alex's fingers were the only touchstones Alex had to define the strange new place she found herself in.
More out of instinct than anything else, Alex shifted her weight when the kiss ended and slid one leg between Nikita's thighs. That same instinct led her to move her hands to Nikita's hips, and she drank in every tiny gasp, every hitch in Nikita's breathing, as she helped Nikita rock against her - the rain beating against the window made an absolutely perfect counterpoint to both sounds.
Then Nikita's hands started tugging at the hem of Alex's shirt, and Alex froze completely, heart trying to pound its way out of her chest as she struggled to remember that it was Nikita touching her. Nikita let go of Alex the second she sensed something was wrong, shifting to as neutral a stance as she could without actually moving away from Alex or breaking Alex's grip on her.
The part of Alex's brain that associated Nikita with safety and stability tried to protest, but stilled when Nikita placed a hand on her arm - the gesture was instantly comforting, familiar as it was from previous attacks like this one. "Alex?"
"I'm okay," Alex reassured her, voice a little distracted as she focused on controlling her breathing. "I just... need a minute..."
Thankfully, the attack was a very minor one this time, easily managed, and it wasn't long before Alex was trying to lighten the moment again with a shaky, but genuine, smile. "No one's ever kissed me like that before..."
As predicted, it made Nikita smile a little in return, just a tiny smirk that pulled at one corner of her mouth and sped up Alex's pulse in a way that had nothing to do with her panic attack. Nikita turned serious again, though, slowly reaching out a hand to touch Alex's face. "We don't have to do this if it's too much too fast."
"No!" Alex's reply was so immediate and insistent that Nikita just arched an eyebrow at her. Alex actually flushed a bit in response as she tried to find the right words to explain herself. "I want to do this - I need to know I *can* do this. It'll just have to be kinda lopsided this time."
"Alex, what...?" Nikita's eyes were a mix of worry and confusion, with a touch of self-blame for having let things get so out of hand. The same emotions laced her voice, making it strange and awkward so that it took a second attempt to get her entire question out. "What, exactly, do you want to happen here?"
Nikita's hand hadn't moved from where it rested against Alex's cheek, thumb idly tracing out the line of Alex's cheekbone. Alex wouldn't have tolerated anyone else being so familiar, but it felt right coming from Nikita - who seemed completely unaware of what she was doing and that it was the first time she'd ever even touched Alex in that particular way.
Alex - possibly still hyped up on adrenaline and definitely not about to let fear make her back down - turned into that touch and kissed Nikita's hand. She couldn't resist stealing a taste of Nikita's skin - just the barest flick of her tongue against Nikita's palm - any more than she could help the momentary flash of smugness at the way Nikita's breath caught for a split second as she did so.
Still, Nikita was waiting for an answer, and wasn't going to budge until she got it. Alex was tempted to be a smart-ass and go into *very* explicit detail about what she wanted to do to Nikita, but didn't think she could pull off talking dirty just yet. Instead, she went for honest. "I want to touch you. I want to get you off with my hands, and I want to watch you while I'm doing it."
Nikita drew in a breath that sounded suspiciously shaky, and Alex didn't even bother hiding her continuing smugness about it as she met Nikita's eyes. "Is that specific enough for you, or do you need me to elaborate?"
"I've always preferred showing to telling," Nikita shot back, mirroring Alex's own smirk. She moved her hand from Alex's cheek to tuck a stray curl behind Alex's ear. "If I keep my hands to myself, do you think you can show me what you had in mind?"
It was exactly what Alex had been trying to ask for, and she grinned at Nikita. "You can owe me one."
The next few moments were awkward but necessary - sex scenes in books and movies never really talked about things like having to decide where to do it, or how to comfortably settle two bodies into a space meant for just one. Alex and Nikita snarked their way through it, keeping things light - even Nikita's insistence that Alex promise her to speak up if she needed to stop didn't really dim the mood at all.
Deciding where was actually pretty easy - the idea of taking Nikita up against the window with the storm raging behind her was just too good for Alex to pass up. Getting comfortable in each other's personal space was a little harder - not touching at all didn't feel right, but Alex didn't want to risk messing things up with another panic attack.
Finally, they ended up somewhere very close to where they'd started - Nikita with her back against the window, arms wrapped loosely around Alex. It gave Alex plenty of freedom to move so she didn't feel trapped, and gave Nikita something to do with her hands beside letting them dangle awkwardly at her side.
It felt surprisingly good to be held, and Alex took a moment to savor it. She buried her face in the crook of Nikita's neck, soaking up the warmth of Nikita's skin as she breathed in the combination of white tea, ginger, and flowers that was uniquely Nikita.
Smell prompted the urge to taste, and Alex let herself follow the impulse. Nikita certainly didn't argue, tilting her head back and making appreciative noises as Alex trailed kisses across her throat and collarbone. When that wasn't quite enough to satisfy the urge to explore, Alex slid the straps of Nikita's dress down off her shoulders and trailed kisses along the bare skin there.
The dress, loose as it was, still fit too well to simply slide down Nikita's body, even if there'd been room for it to. That was fine with Alex - there was a certain kink to getting Nikita off while still fully clothed that she could appreciate.
Alex's hands moved up under that dress of their own volition, needing little guidance after weeks of fighting the desire to do just that. Alex took her time mapping out the curves hidden under the fabric, starting low on Nikita's stomach and working her way up - Nikita was all lean muscle, like a cat, and Alex was a little surprised to find that those muscles still had a softness to them as they tensed and shifted under her touch.
Nikita, unable to stay completely passive despite her best efforts, pulled Alex in and kissed her. Alex, remembering her earlier success, slid her leg between Nikita's thighs and pressed upward just as her hands found Nikita's breasts. She teased the nipples into hard peaks as Nikita ground herself against Alex's leg, her moans lost to the kiss that seemed to stretch on forever.
There was nothing steady or controlled about Nikita's breathing as they finally broke for air, and Alex's wasn't any better. Giving them both a moment to catch their breath, Alex slid one hand down to Nikita's hip, fingertips tracing the lines of the phoenix tattoo there from memory alone.
Indulging herself a moment once she'd recovered, Alex shifted both hands to cup Nikita's ass - another impulse long denied. It didn't offer the same control and leverage as holding on to Nikita's hips, but Alex decided she liked the feel of the muscles moving under her hands as Nikita rocked against her.
It also bought Alex the time she needed to gather her courage. She'd been more or less just skirting the line she'd drawn for herself up to this point, and she was okay with that, but the next step would start actively erasing it - there was a pretty distinct difference in her mind between Nikita grinding herself into oblivion against her leg while they made out and actually having her hand between Nikita's legs, touching her.
Alex didn't hesitate for long, though - if she was being honest, this was the part she wanted most. So much so, in fact, that she had to force herself to slow down and take her time instead of rushing through it - Nikita was pretty close to the edge already, and it was very tempting to just help send her over it as quickly as possible.
It was totally worth the effort to restrain herself. Nikita may have protested when Alex moved her leg away, but that didn't stop her from pushing against Alex's fingers as Alex teased her through the thin, already damp fabric of her boyshorts. There was a strange sense of pride and empowerment when Alex finally slid her fingers inside those boyshorts and felt for herself just how wet Nikita was.
The realization that she'd had that kind of effect on Nikita just by touching her was a little mind-blowing, but not in a bad way. Setting the thought aside to go over later - when she wasn't otherwise occupied - Alex continued her explorations until Nikita was cursing and whimpering as much as she was moaning and gasping.
Alex could feel another (completely justified) smirk spreading across her face at Nikita's response, and wasn't at all surprised when her reflection in the window confirmed it. Feeling strangely bold after her success thus far, Alex circled two fingers around Nikita's entrance and ran her thumb over Nikita's clit - it was both a question and an offer.
Nikita pushed against Alex's fingers until they slid inside of her, accepting Alex's offer - her hips jerked involuntarily as Alex's fingers started moving almost lazily, thumb continuing to work Nikita's clit the whole time. Nikita met Alex thrust for thrust after that, helping Alex make tiny adjustments until the rhythm and angle were perfect - Alex, in that moment, actually found herself grateful for the first time ever for the things she'd learned in the brothels, because they were helping her please Nikita.
The storm - obediently playing into its own cliche - increased in intensity as Nikita moved closer and closer to the edge. Nikita just let herself revel in both the pleasure and the elemental display, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the glass as it rattled in its frame - Alex did her own fair share of reveling then, too, eyes seeking out each little flare of pleasure as it crossed Nikita's face.
When something in that moment, between one lightning flash and the next, seemed to pull Nikita out of the present and back inside her own head, it was easy enough for Alex to guess what had happened. The flashback was clearly a pleasant one, though, so Alex let Nikita stay in it - instead, she focused on what she was already doing, steadily increasing the tempo of her thrusts and the pressure of her thumb until both Nikita and the storm reached a crescendo.
Alex couldn't hear what Nikita called out as she came - a sudden and very loud roll of thunder drowned it out completely - but she could do the math and knew exactly whose name it had been. The fact that it wasn't hers stung a little, even though she'd completely expected it, but she was okay with that - this time.
Over the weeks that followed, Alex sharpened and built on the skills she'd surprised herself with that night, and she made damn sure that hers was the only name Nikita ever called out from that point on. The sense of power she got from knowing that her hands, her mouth, were the ones pushing Nikita over the edge only grew stronger and stronger as she grew more and more confident in her abilities.
Even more weeks passed then, as Alex started using that power to reclaim the parts of herself that she'd lost or buried. First she learned how to let Nikita touch her, then she learned how to let herself enjoy it - until finally, on yet another stormy night just like the one that had started it all, it was her own hands clutching at the sheets and her own voice being drowned out by the thunder...