Feeling a Change

by Meerage

Isabella never knew the meaning of pain, until today.

Feeling a Change…

Rating: T.

Warnings: Mythical-beings.

Summary: Isabella never knew the meaning of pain, until today.

*Meerage*

I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was for the rush of adrenaline that always swept through me when I didn't know where I was going? Or maybe it was because I wanted to be a surprise for once. I wanted to shove it in everyone's faces that I could do something daring. Something exciting. Something no one would ever expect it from me, little Isabella Swan, the girl who seemed so clumsy, she could never be athletic. The ugly duckling often prone to stuttering her way through a conversation. The one who tripped over air. The little girl, who had never had a boyfriend, or girlfriend, not even a shy kiss in kindergarten. I was always the outcast, who had never found her place. So when I finally had the chance to change that, I didn't take it. Instead, I walked away, and ran off into the woods, something no one expected, to get away from the partying teenagers. It's not that I didn't want to change my social status. Believe me, I did. Badly. But I've never been a bad person. If there's one thing that I had always held onto, it was my morals. My beliefs. The principles my father had instilled within me.

So when Jessica Stanley offered me her friendship in return for me asking out Ben Cheney, effectively stealing Angela Webber's crush, and then standing him up, effectively ruining his dating life, and hurting his feelings( if he even accepted the offer out of feelings for me, which is doubtful), I had one second of elation. But then I crashed back into reality. My mind stopped mid-track, as I had realized what exactly she wanted me to do.

*Meerage*

Jessica swiped a piece of hair behind her ear, with a smug smile on her face as she watched her boyfriend, Jacob Black, talk to Ben Cheney, a slightly geeky. We were all at the end of summer party, I had been invited by Jessica Stanley, who like all the others at school, had never paid me a single ounce attention since middle school. I was invisible; no one even thought to pick on me. So when she called me, asking if I needed a ride to that party, I had said "Yes" out of reflex. And then when we were at the party, and we had separated from Jacob, and Ben, She had turned to me, her voice sickly sweet, and asked "So, how much do you want to be our friend?"

I had watched her for a moment, just waiting for a price, and just seconds later, I had received it.

"Because, if you do something for me, I can talk to the others, and you can join the group" She said this, with a sweet smile, and for a second, I thought 'She can't be too bad, if she would that for me' but then I remembered the "price".

I had slowly started forming the words, doing my best not to stutter at one of the most popular girls at school. "B-But w-what do I have to d-do?" My stutter still came through, and I had felt embarrassed as soon as the words left my mouth. Jessica smiled, almost gently, as if I were a tiny kitten, trying to attack a Great Dane, pathetic. She said in a soft tone, "All I want you to do is ask out Ben, Ben Cheney. I heard he likes you. But the other day, he spread some rumors about me and Mike, which could ruin my relationship with Jacob. Do you understand so far?"

I really didn't, but I had nodded anyways. She continued on, her tone still soft, but more persuasive now, "Well, I want you to go ask him out for a date this Friday, and then I want you to come over to my house instead." I didn't understand, but had tried wrapping my mind around it, but I couldn't get what she wanted from me. So finally, I asked "B-but, doesn't Angela like Ben?" Jessica grimaced, and said in an offended tone "Yea, but I don't know why, he isn't even that cute, and he said those awful things about me! If she were a good friend, she would just abandon hope for him!"

With those words, I felt sick, as I had thought the offer over, trying to judge the risk, and benefits of her proposition. 'Benefits-Get a group of friends, become popular, no longer eat in the bathroom by myself; have good news for once to tell my dad, etc…' Now 'Risks- Potentially get an arrow shoved through my spine for doing that to the sweetest girl in school, have the treatment at school worsen, become lower than dirt, disappoint my dad if he found out…' It wasn't right. I knew that. I felt even worse as I realized that I actually considered doing it, even if it was for just a second. If my dad knew, what would he think of me?

I had walked away from her with ease, too distraught over my fault in character. I had felt like such a bitch; a monster… I had no idea where I had gone from being okay with myself as a person, to wanting to be part of the 'In' crowd. Then, as I felt even worse, I started running. I didn't have a place in mind; I just took off, my feet connecting with the grassy forest floor, as I bypassed trees, rocks, and the occasional creature. I kept running, until my legs ached, and I stopped to take a few calming breaths. My pulse was racing beneath my skin; I could almost see the blood pumping through the veins in my hand as I raised it in the moonlight. After my brief moment of crazy, I finally realized where I was; the cliffs. I had run from the party, a good mile away, to this spot of beauty. From my place on the cliff, I could see the moon reflecting the Pacific Ocean's surface; it illuminated the whole sky, and made me feel almost peaceful. So caught up in the view, I took a step closer to the edge, but I didn't see the hole in the dark mossy ground beneath me.

"Oomph! Oww" I whimpered as I pulled my foot out of the rather large-looking hole. Once my foot was intact, and out of the hole, I let myself slump against the grass, and just laid there. Once again, I was thinking about what had happened at the party, and I quickly forgot the sight I had been so drawn to. I don't know why I was feeling rather pitiful, and so unsure of myself. All I did know was that I just wanted it to go away, even if just for a moment.

"I wish I could just get rid of this, why can't I just be…" I sighed, low, and beneath my breath," different?" I closed my eyes, just sick of being the same old Isabella Swan the shy and lonesome girl. The girl no one wanted, unless I had something they desired. I was sick of being the ugly duckling of Forks.

Crack.

As soon as the noise was in the air, I whipped my head to where I thought it came from, to my left. My eyes searched the darkness for the cause, but there was nothing but the trees that somehow outlined the cliffs, and the few rocks lying near the overhang. When I found nothing to cause the noise, and was done searching, I let myself relax.

"I can fix that; now…want to feel a change?" Was the last thing I heard, before my world filled with pain. A pain that consumed me.

*Meerage*

The burning was indescribable. I couldn't say that it was fast, or slow, because it was neither. I couldn't tell you if it was mind numbing, or consuming. It was so many things in one; just one huge contradiction. All I knew in those moments was that I…felt so overwhelmed. That I…just knew that this was the end to my peaceful, if lonely, existence. I felt like every piece of me was changing, every memory burning away, and everything I knew was no longer. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I could do was try to resist.

But it was so hard, all I wanted was to give in, but I knew I couldn't if I wanted to survive intact. It was difficult, but I managed to drag myself down memory lane, trying to find the most important events in my life.

*Meerage*

Holding onto Papa's neck, my head burrowed into his soft skin, and feeling the scruff of his beard against my forehead.

Being dragged down the stairs, my mother's hand clutched onto my arm, her nails digging into my fragile skin, hearing her scream "CHARLES! You can't stop me from taking my little girl! She's MINE!"

Sitting on the hard wooden benches, watching as my parents fought over me, feeling guilt, as I realized it was all my fault.

Hearing my mother, "She's all yours. I don't want the little brat.", and father "Then WHY did you try to take her, and drag us, AND her through this?!" and my tears as the words "Because, I wanted her, before you lad your disgusting claim on her." flew into my ears.

Growing up alone. No friends, no family besides my papa.

Being teased for being ugly up until middle school, when everyone decided I was even good enough to do that much, and instead turned me into someone so beneath their notice, I was invisible. For having brown hair, a mousy color. For having eyes that looked like "poop".

Watching as all the other girls were asked out, kissed, loved…

Feeling dead inside.

Hugging my dad, as he was about to leave to go fishing for the weekend. Again.

Cleaning the house. Dad's a pig, if not for me, he would be living in garbage.

Watching as Jacob Black, my childhood friend asked out Jessica Stanley, with a look on his face, as if she were the sun, and seeing her face light up with happiness.

Knowing I would never have that.

The razor cutting into my thigh, the blood beading upon my skin, like little ladybugs crawling up through my milky flesh.

My tears staining the tissue, as I watched Romeo and Juliet. Wishing I had someone who loved me.

Holding my grieving father, as the tears fell from his chocolate brown eyes for Harry Clearwater, who had died from a heart attack.

My nails digging into my palm, as my father flirted with Sue Clearwater.

My own tears, as I watched the two of them on their wedding day, standing next to my step-sister, Leah.

Remembering.

*Meerage*

I hung onto all of those memories, even if depressing, because it was all I had. I could not go through this burning, without holding onto those experiences. It numbed my mind against the pain. But I was still aware of the lances of fire racing through the very veins I had admired earlier. From my toes, to the root of every hair, I could feel the flame. Was this my death? Or was it just Satan, fighting God for my soul? If so, all I could beg for was for God to just let my soul go, into the hands of the Devil.

The burning blaze continued for what felt like centuries. Each minute unfathomable, there was no way for me to know how long it lasted. But with the end of the overwhelming burn, there was still a fire racing through me. It pained me, but I was no longer focused on only the flames. I could somehow focus on something else. I'd never been good at multi-tasking, but all of a sudden, I could register the burning, and feel the screams of my cells, but I could also think…beyond the pain? I don't know how to say it, but it was almost as though the pain and my thoughts were one and the same, but also separated on a plane, I didn't even know of.

As I thought about it, I could hear someone. The blood was gone from ears, there was no longer blood crushing through them like waves. Now, I could hear.

"Sweetness, just a little longer…," it was a man's voice. But it was also beautiful, like a croon from Lucifer's very own tongue, "You're already so beautiful, my dove. And there's still so much left to do…"

The voice awakened me in such a way, I have no words. I felt connected to that voice. It was like it was tied to the very center of my being. The pain no longer mattered to me. That voice did.

"Aw, you feel it, don't you? My sweet dove, you and I are one…forever. I will take you home, as soon as you're better. Don't worry, just a little longer. You're so beautiful…" At the end, is voice changed, deeper? But I couldn't tell the tone. As he had spoken, I felt something sliding against my skin. I knew it was something, but so much of me was distracted I couldn't tell what it was. But it was indefinable.

The voice crooned to me throughout the rest of the smoldering fire. But I could feel it coming to an end, the fire becoming more intense, more painful. The voice could no longer distract me from the pain. The blaze was like a wave, crashing into my skin, against my heart, but then rushing back to cover the veins, like footprints in the sand. In order to obliterate them. Erase them from existence. Each time it came to my heart, it would leave, as if it were sentient, and checking to make sure it had made no mistakes. This just prolonged my suffering.

The waves became more intense. Crashing into the surfaces of my body with a vigor, dedicated to becoming a hurricane in the very core of my body. The fire swirled inside of me. Turning in all directions, hitting all of my internal organs with glee. The fire enjoyed my suffering. It was like the boy who crashed cities of ants, trying to destroy everything in sight, just because he could. It felt the same happiness that boy did, at the fact it was killing me.

The fire receded, drawing back into itself, but somehow intensifying, and then like a cannon, shot itself right into my heart. The fire surrounded the organ, and injected itself into the heart, with no care to the damage it caused to the surrounding tissue. It ripped its way through, and filled my heart with its being. I could feel my heart harden, the ripples of the muscle, as it turned from body tissue to petrified stone. I wanted to cry, with the discovery that the fire was changing me, and not preparing me for my afterlife. But I could do nothing with the flames devouring my heart.

It felt like hours, but finally the flames died. No warning, all of a sudden they were gone.

With that knowledge, and without pain to hinder me, I opened my eyes, and saw red, staring back at.

"Hello sweetness. I was waiting for you."

*Meerage*

Songs-

Greg Laswell- The Killing Moon (Echo& The Bunnymen Cover)

Morgan Page- In The Air (Mord Fustang Remix)

*Meerage*

A/N Oneshot now, but I lost the inspiration for it, and if I do continue it, I'm going to make it so it can be considered finished/complete after each chapter posted.