These are the memories that Snape didn't manage to share with Harry.
I own nothing and this is my first fic that isn't R/Hr centric. Also can't spell so sorry!
Goodbye
7th November 1981
Hogwarts
From the outside Severus Snape looked like a man without a care. This masked his inner torment. In the daytime, it was easy to distract him self with the business of living. But a night his torment engulfed him till he thought he couldn't take any more. He no longer slept instead he was trapped thinking and crying… ready to steal himself for the torture of living each day.
Lily was…was… dead. Potter was dead too. Even rat-like Peter was dead. Surprisingly, it had been Sirius Black that had betrayed them.
The Dark Lord maybe gone but Sirius lived.
The moment he heard Snape had vowed, by the love he had for Lily - the only reason he was still breathing – vowed that one day he would have his revenge on Black. That if he had the chance Black would be paid in kind for his actions. Snape tried to comfort him self with the thought that had he been in Blacks position that he'd have protected them.
In fact… He'd been in Blacks position; in front of the Dark Lord with information he wanted and withheld it; withheld it for Lily.
He told himself that it was Blacks fault; his fault entirely: His fault for betraying them all. Betraying Lily's, and Blacks precious James, trust as secret keeper.
But he knew that was a lie.
It was both his and Sirius Blacks fault. It was the only time they'd worked together, if what unknowingly. Knowing this made him hate Black as much as he hated himself.
But he couldn't indulge himself in that hate. He had to continue. He had to live for him. For Harry, the son Lily and James left behind.
Dumbledore said that he should him, protect Lily's son; that '- the Dark Lord would return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when it does.'
As he walked around the castle, in was in a daze, trying not to be tortured by the ghost of his misspent youth. He went around the castle automatically; like an inferi sent to do his masters bidding. His head knew that she was dead but his heart still loved her, and kept the bitter reality that surrounded him at bay.
Dumbledore had decided that Hogwarts was to have a 'educational hiatus' to celebrate the Dark Lords defeat, be with family and mourn for the Potters and all those lost in the fight. Most of the students were gone but some remained and he'd gotten permission from Dumbledore to leave for the day. As soon as the 'educational hiatus' was declared he knew where he was going today.
However just when he was ready to Foo to his mothers the Blood Barron floated triumphantly.
"Professor Snape. The trap you set has been sprung – the culprit is encased in your store cupboard." He said in a cold tone.
"Thank you Barron. I will attend to it immediately." Snape said putting down his travelling cloak and heading for the door.
He sighed and thought bitterly: 'should have known that the sneak thief that has been taking things from my store cupboard would strike today.'
As he descended to his basement home, his refuge, his beloved potions dungeon Snape steeled himself to act professionally.
As he entered his classroom he heard bang and crashes happening within his store cupboard. Shaking his head, he knew that the thief had wrecked havoc in there and that he would pay for this transgression.
And then the unmistakable pong of one of his students caught his nose. He'd known it was him and now he'd caught him red handed – punishment was a dish best served by a Slytherin.
Directing his wand doorwards it opened with lazy ease. The door creaked and as the light poured into the space the banging stopped.
"Out Fletcher" Snape said coldly crossing his arms. The fifth year Mundungus Fletcher shuffled out of the cupboard, his red shaggy hair covered in all manner of potion ingredients.
There was a moment when the potions master and student stared at each other.
"Why are you here, Fletcher?"
"Mum and dad are away on business." He sniffed while he wringed his hands out,
"No Fletcher. I'm referring to the fact that I find you in my store cupboard." He snarled; Fletcher didn't look up and didn't dare speak. "I'm referring to the fact that you've been stealing from Hogwarts: from Professor Slughorn before my instatement and more amazingly from me?"
Mundungus looked down and shuffled his feet.
"You're parents will be informed. You will pay for the supplies you've stolen and broken. You will also have weekend detention until Christmas. Now go." He said pointing the door. As Mundungus reached the door Snape's eyes narrowed. "Fletcher turn-out your pockets."
Mundungus sighed and even though the room was cold, he began to sweat. He hesitated then did as he was told. Out came the sugar quills that Snape had confiscated from Mundungus a week before, three bezoars, unicorn hair (that Snape had found while walking in the woods) and two flasks that Snape knew contained Polyjuice and Veritaserum.
"For your stupidity, your detention is extended. I will speak to your head of house about further action." Snape roared. "Now go!"
Mundungus eyes opened in shock and he didn't need telling twice. As soon as had he left, muttering under his breath as he did so; Snape used the desk to steady himself. He felt retched being in the dungeon that Lily and he had spent so much time in. His eyes burned with unshed tears.
He couldn't take it anymore; as he walked out he pocketed the sugar quills, needing something real and sweet to dull the pain that tore through him.
He stepped into the cold corridors of Hogwarts, lit only by November's dull light and proceeded to the place he hadn't gone to since his youth.
Little Whinging
His eyes followed her. Whatever she did, even now as she sat down with her drink they followed her. His eye's so like his mothers followed her with an abnormal intensity.
They questioned her as to why his cousin was poking him and where his parents were. She knew they were also questioning why she wasn't using magic to do the housework. His unasked questions prickled her.
'Questions wouldn't be allowed when you grow up.' She mused silently. 'And then when you have the truth; you'll hate us for it.'
She wished that she could explain it to him. Explain that his parents were gone and that Vernon and she were to 'take care of him'. As she held her sweetened coffee, she tried not to think about the reason behind their new 'no questions' rule. She tried not to think about the argument her and Vernon had had about Harry's future.
She'd concentrate on her two boys… On her beloved Ickle Dudleykins and the boy she corrected herself. She couldn't demonstrate and emotions towards Harry; not love or compassion or anything. If Vernon's hope that by keeping Harry as downtrodden as possible, they would be able to squash the magic out of him.
She had to be heartless towards Harry: Heartless towards him like she had been towards Lily. If she couldn't, she wouldn't be able to keep Vernon, Dudley and Harry. If she couldn't keep emotionless they wouldn't be able to 'squash out' the magic Harry would undoubtedly have.
And it needed squashing out. Not only for her sake so that Vernon wouldn't leave her and take Dudley with him. But it was for Harry's sake, because if, like Dumbledore's letter had warned, Harry wasn't out of danger – the safest place for him was this world not his. Petunia was determined that the world of freaks would not claim this one remaining link with her extraordinary sister.
She sighed and gave into the temptation to look at him. Harry was wearing the clothes Dudley had recently grown out of. Harry looked at her and smiled, waving a teddy that Dudley had just finished maiming. With a stab she realised that was the life Harry would have until he left her: Always hand-me-downs and broken toys.
'What would Lily say if she knew that this was the future her little boy would have?'
She couldn't take his eyes any longer, so she went to the kitchen considering what she'd cook for tonight's tea rather than the fact that she'd never get to say goodbye to her little sister. And the only thing she could do for Lily was to raise her child, as horribly as could be mustered.
She looked over at Harry again and suddenly wanted to cry. She longed for a simpler time; when she had a sister, a best-friend before the magical world told her that she wasn't just Lily, her special sister; but a witch.
Even now the pain of that word dug into her like a dagger. Like the first time she'd noticed that Lily would rather be with that odd Snape boy rather than her.
She looked about the house for something to occupy her and could find nothing. There was nothing in the house that needed doing. But more painfully, nothing that she could do to mourn her sister and her husband. She was just trapped in suburbia with her regret and no one to confide in.
Petunia decided that she didn't want to sit inside and mourn and mope. Or mourn for the life her nephew was going to have. She knew that she wanted to say goodbye.
She spent sometime feeding her Dudley while holding Harry close so she couldn't see his eyes. As she did so, she promised that this was going to be the last time she'd indulged herself in getting close to him. Knowing that, one day, he would be ripped from her as well.
She bundled Dudley into his pushchair and placed Harry in the baby carrier that Dudley had long since outgrown, then she stepped into the cold of November's dull light and proceeded to the place she hadn't gone to since her youth.
The Park
He sat in the same bushes that he always had – but this time he was hidden by a Disillusionment Charm. Even sucking on his depleting stock of sugar quills reminded him of her. He'd silenced himself as he'd remembered a time, long ago, when he'd made his only real friend and gave her his beloved wizard candy.
Snape's mind roamed though memory after memory.
The first time she had walked into the park with her red are ablaze she'd been flanked by an older girl. They'd gone to that very swing and his fascination with her had begun.
He was recalling the day when they met when he saw her.
He couldn't believe his eyes. Even though he hadn't seen the muggle for at least ten years, there was no mistaking Petunia Evans.
She always had had a look of someone who smelt something distasteful. And her neck had always been abnormally long. However, he realised she didn't look as well turned out as she usually did. And what was more; she wasn't alone.
She had her coat tightly wrapped around her as she pushed an ugly child in a push chair. It wasn't until she went to the swing and took off a funny bag that contained a black haired child – that he knew for sure. His breath caught and his heart seemed to stop. Even from a distance away he could see that it was Lily's child.
The eyes. Oh her eyes were in his sweet face.
He was gazing at the child when he noticed that Petunia was crying. As she pumped her legs higher and higher she was crying. She looked quiet demented like she was trying to reach the past and Lily by only her determination to swing.
Snape attention moved to that the large ugly child was asleep and snoring loudly but Harry was looking at his aunt. As Harry moved his head Snape saw that he had a large plaster on his forehead. He knew from the stories that had circulated that that was were his scar was.
When she was quite high up; Petunia suddenly jumped off the swing. Jumped like he remembered she'd told Lily off for. But Snape knew that she wasn't going to make the grass she was aiming for, so without thinking he placed her safely down.
Petunia looked wide eyed around; shocked at herself: Shocked that she'd imitated her sister and shocked that she'd survived. It was then that he stepped forward and revealed him self.
For a long moment they looked at each other. Petunia couldn't belief her eyes. Even though the years had changed him; she knew it was him.
"You!" she said breathlessly.
"Hello Petunia" he sneered.
"Severus! What are you doing here?" she asked ignoring his tone. Snape didn't answer; he didn't have to. She realized. "Spos you've heard about Lily" she sniffed trying to regain her dignity.
"Yes" he said with the cold indifference he'd had to adopt when referring to Lily.
There was a long silence between them as they sized each other up: neither one knowing what to do. Then to both of their surprises, she began to run towards him.
"You lied to her." She shouted with all the venom she felt. "You said that it didn't matter that she was muggleborn" she started to hit him. Snape didn't have the heart to stop her; he welcomed the pain. "And now she's dead Severus! She's dead" she screamed breaking down into a heap at his feet.
"She's dead and she'll never know how much I loved her, regretted that I let magic get in the way of our friendship. And now I'm stuck with him" she cried pointing at Harry. "And his eyes Severus! They remind me of her and it breaks my heart."
They both looked at him. Harry's face balled up and for the first time in a while he was crying. But these weren't cries of a child in need; it was a cry that both Severus and Petunia knew he was upset about he aunt being upset.
'Of course he's upset that she's distressed' Snape thought, 'he's Lily's boy.'
Without thinking Severus left the immobilised Petunia and went to the child. He lifted him out of the baby carrying bag. Harry settled down immediately which shocked both Snape and Petunia, it was as if Harry knew Snape was safe.
He held the baby at length as the boy looked at him. His green eyes piercing his soul as he did so. Then Harry smiled brightly and started to grab at Snape.
This gave Snape courage, to hold the baby closely and inhaled him. He smelt like baby, but there was also a hint of rosemary and his heart broke. He started to silently cry. Lily always smelt like rosemary. It was what he always smelt when he had to brew Amortentia.
"They're being buried today" he said thickly. "In Godric's Hollow, they're being buried and I couldn't even bring myself to go there. I couldn't stand to be there and see her go when I know I could have, should have stopped IT." in his arms, Harry moved knowing that the man holding him was upset. Snape drew him closer and kissed his head to still him; reassuring him, that both of them were alright. "So you're not the only one with regrets Petunia."
"You're pathetic!" Petunia spat. Snape looked at her astonished and hurt. "If I could have gone to Hogwarts and been with her I would have been there in a heartbeat. And you read that letter, you know I tried. Then I was so angry for so long and now I can't even say goodbye.
"Vernon won't stand for freaks in the house, so he'll have a tough life with us. I don't want to think about my sister being dead, and yet every morning until he goes to Hogwarts, I'll have her eyes looking at me." Dudley suddenly awoke wanted attention and Petunia went to him. She picked him up and held him close to comfort herself.
"I have him" she bitterly stated. "With his ugly scar that the one who murdered my sister inflicted. And I know I'll take her lose out on him. But I can't help it: I can't even go to my own sister's grave, Severus."
There was a pause when they wouldn't look at each other and just saw to the child in their arms.
"If you could you would?" he asked incredulously. "We're all a bunch of freaks remember."
Petunia shot him a dirty look, and he knew what her answer was.
"Fine. I'll take you!" Snape exclaimed holding Harry closer.
"What?" she said shocked.
"I'll take you and Harry and er… that… one" he said pointing in the vague direction of a snoring Dudley, "to their graves."
The Grave
The funeral had been held at dawn. The Potter funeral had been like a muggle state funeral: With mourner from across the wizarding world coming to pay their respects. The large crowd had already started to dissipate when Severus, Petunia, Harry and Dudley arrived.
Severus, even though he had used charms to disguise their identities, held them back when he saw that Dumbledore was still in the grave yard talking quietly to a distraught Lupin.
As soon as they arrived Petunia started to silently cry.
Through the crowd Snape noted that Lupin looked dishevelled and older than his twenty one years.
'If that night hadn't been a full moon, Lupin could have stopped it.' Snape's eyes narrowed. 'Lupin should have known that Black would betray his friend.'
Through Petunia's sobs he heard on the wind him say.
"I always joked that I was going to be the first to go because of my furry problem. Not James and never Lily. They had so much to live for and now Harry…"
In his arms Harry turned eager to see the familiar voice that had said his name.
"Moonie!" he exclaimed in an excited tone.
"No Harry" Snape soothed. "We'll see him later. Ok?" Harry looked at him and nodded his head, although his eyes were betrayed that he didn't believe him.
Once Dumbledore and Lupin had left, Snape, Petunia and boys followed the line of mourner to the grave. After sometime Snape's courage to go on nearly failed as he saw the white marble shining with the words truth that broke his heart again.
'Lily Potter, born 30th January 1960, died 31st October 1981
The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.'
Snape looked at the grave and held back the tears that threatened to engulf him. Instead, he concentrated on moving Petunia who had started to weep into Dudley mop of blond curls. Dudley didn't utter a word because Snape, without Petunia's knowledge, sick of Dudley's noise and violence and had put him under a body bind curse.
An hour later, they hadn't left the grave yard; they sat on a bench far away from preying eyes, lost in contemplation.
Dudley was now fully awake and Snape had had to give the child the last everlasting sugar quill that he'd confederated earlier to shut him up. However, not even the sugar improved his mood. Now bored he started to poke Harry again. Harry was taking it better than Snape himself was. It surprised him how upset Harry being hurt was making him.
To entertain them Snape produced coloured puffs of smoke from his wand. Harry and Dudley sat on the grass to enjoying the late autumn sunshine. This entertainment was so good that it engrossed Dudley; he even stopped bothering his cousin.
Harry laughed and followed the smoke for a while before he looked like he was going to cry and Snape felt powerless. He tried to conjure his Patronus to entertain him more but when his it irrupted from his wand it wasn't his usual snake that he had intended to make dance, a silver doe trotted around.
Snape looked at Harry, then to the Patronus stunned. Harry was too transfixed on the doe to notice the shock on Snape's face.
Next to him, as she tried to compose herself, he felt Petunia stiffen. She was looking towards the Doe.
"Is that a Patronus?" Petunia asked hoarsely.
"Yes" Snape said shortly as the doe disappeared. "How did you…"
"Know? Lily… I heard her talk to my parents about them once." She said with a small smile.
"What time is it?" she asked casually stretching a little to wake herself up.
"Four O'clock. Why?"
"Vernon!" she explained picking Dudley up. "He'll be home and I won't have tea on the table. We have to go Severus."
As they left they both silently vowed never to mention or think of this day again.
TBC