Bloody hell!
What is it, James? And stop swearing. Mum will have your head for that.
Oh my Merlin, Lily, I just got to the part in this fan-fik-shun (is that how you say it?) where you sleep with Scorp!
What?
Rose, calm down. Put down that down—what're you doing with Grandmum's meat cleaver anyway?
And why does Grandmum even have one? Is she a witch or not!
Oh hey, Albus. Where's your boyfriend?
My BOYFRIEND?
Yeah, you know. The one from Durmstrang? Didn't he have a gender transplant or something?
I don't have a boyfriend! I don't even have a girlfriend!
Oh, right. Sorry, my head's getting clouded from this fan-fik-shun thing.
Oh-kay…hey, you're being awfully nice today.
I'm always nice!
No you're not. Ethan still has the scars from the last time you caught us holding hands.
Yeah, I've been meaning to say something about that. For some reason, all these fan-fik-shuns like to portray me and Al as tender loving older brothers who'd blast some bloke to Mars for smiling at you.
Oh.
And you're always with one of the Scamander twins too…
Wait, WHAT?
There's loads of you and Lorcan, or you and Lysander, or all three. It's kinda disturbing, actually.
Oh, EW. Me and a Scamander? Not gonna happen. And…Rose? Why are you holding that…?
Dammit. Rose, put it down, I say—
WHO SLEEPS WITH SCORPIUS? TELL ME AND I'LL RIP THEIR HEAD OFF.
Um, me, apparently. Why do you care, Rose? You despise him.
Ahh, you're right. This fan-whatever is getting to me too.
That's not the worst of it, guys. Earlier, Lucy apparently carved out her wrists after being dumped by Louis and then snogs Molly, who's going out with…me? What the…
Someone say my name?
Speak about the devil, and the devil shall come. Hey, Luce. We're just discussing the matter of your sexuality.
Um. You know I'm straight, right, James? Father will murder me if otherwise.
Yeah, well, that's not what it says here. According to these fan-fik-shuns, you're the object of desire of many boys, and also girls. You're a tomboy rebel who wears miniskirts and ripped shirts with something close to five different piercings on your tongue. And apparently you have a streak in your hair that you dyed with unicorn blood…
Oh yeah. Totally. Take a look at my fourteenth-century blouses and pants and get back to me on that.
Well, tell that to the author. Honestly, there's so many stories of us being horrible, chaotic kids who end up either getting disowned or stoned on gillyweed. I mean, I always knew you weren't quite right in the head, Al—
Hey!
—but the rest of us running away from home, getting high on acrylic paint, then going on a shagging spree with everyone at Hogwarts is…well…
Imaginative.
Thank you, Rose, that was exactly the word I was going for.
Man, Lils, you're never gonna believe this. There's a story about you and Teddy eloping.
Whoa.
Glad to see that you're no longer trying to kill me, Rosie. On the other hand, me and Teddy?
Yeah, sis, you're up with everyone. Scorpius, Teddy, the twins, Louis, and Hugo too.
Holy mother of Merlin. Will someone get over here to hold my puke bucket?
James, what is this fan-fik-shun thing anyway?
I dunno, Luce. I think Dad might want to take a look at this one though. It's him and Scorp's dad. Pretty spicy, to be honest. And, does anyone know what bondage and slash mean? They appear quite often on stories about us. I wonder if it's anything bad.
AH! MY EYES! THEY BURN!
What's wrong, Al?
Aunty Hermione—and—Mum—
What? Why did you search that up anyways?
I didn't! It popped up!
Snape and Aunty Fleur?
Hey, there's one of Louis and Dom and this Slytherin—
I'm in Slytherin?
It's you?
Where are these coming from?
Urgh! Molly and Athena! They're bringing innocent animals into this too?
You know what? I don't want to know about my sister and her owl—
—Professor Longbottom and Lorcan and Lysander's mum—
Oh no oh no oh no Headmistress McGonagall and James—
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
AN: This is what happens when I get bored. But siriusly, some of those Next Gen fics are so off…
~Gella