Chapter 1. The Gift

After sharing her feelings with Castle about her therapy and being almost ready for her wall to come down soon, Beckett smiled to herself as she gazed at Castle from the doorway of the break room. She felt happier than she had in a long time now that their relationship was slowly healing, as were they. Right now she wished she could rush over to him and muss up his always perfectly groomed hair, but it wasn't in her cautious nature to be quite so spontaneous.

Forced to move into the room by a detective who was trying to enter, she cleared her throat and stepped up to the espresso machine just as Castle was firing it up.

"Oh, hey, good morning, Beckett," he said, warmth and new understanding shining in his eyes.

"Hey, Castle." Smooth, Kate thought, and then added, "It's great to see you." And especially great that you're back to being friendly, not glaring at me and don't have a bimbo attached to your arm. She forced back a grin at her thoughts.

A companionable silence filled the room as their conversation came to a complete stop when the coffee machine hissed and sputtered loudly. Suddenly Castle glanced her way, catching her unawares.

"Is something wrong?"

Realizing that she'd been staring at him and imagining all sorts of scenarios and possibilities, she stammered, "What? No, of course not. I just…"

He frowned at her and then shook his head and glanced at the machine again.

"It's just that…"

"What?"

She thrust towards him the small box she'd been hiding behind her back.

"What's this?" He asked, accepting her offering and looking puzzled.

"It's nothing. Really. I just thought that since you spend so much time at the precinct with us, you should have one of your own."

It had been delivered to the precinct only this morning so she hadn't had time to wrap it properly and at the last moment had made a few photocopies of the cover of the Nikki Heat novel she had locked in her drawer and taped them around the box.

She watched him anxiously as he carefully unwrapped his present and then bit her lip nervously wondering if it was too much, not enough, too big, too small, too personal, not personal enough. After all, they'd never given gifts to each other before.

Finally he lifted it out and stared at it for the longest time, turning it around and examining it closely. His silence made her even more nervous.

"You did this for me?" He asked.

"I just thought you might like to have your own coffee mug instead of using everyone else's." She glanced down at the floor and added, "And to thank you for yesterday. You know, for understanding what I was trying to say."

"I love it, Kate," he finally answered, choosing not to comment on their conversation outside the pretend zombie's hospital room. "Thank you."

She glanced up on hearing the sincere warmth in his voice and they smiled at each other, both enjoying the lack of tension that had been between them lately.

"You're welcome. You can leave it on my desk if you'd. You know, so it doesn't get broken in here. Or you can take it home if you prefer." In case you decide you want to bolt again at some time, she thought.

"Who took the photo? It's pretty good, if I do say so myself. It shows off how really ruggedly handsome I am."

He grinned at her as his comment earned him the classic eye roll that he expected.

"Espo did." She took the mug from his hands and turned it from his 'Castle' logo on one side to the other which was a really good photo of him from the waist up wearing his 'Writer' bulletproof vest. She'd been in the picture beside him, but decided it was best to keep that one as a framed photo in her apartment. Of course, she didn't have the nerve to keep it out in the open and instead had tucked it away in the drawer of her bedside table. In the past few weeks when she'd obsessed over why he had changed, she had often taken it out on the sleepless nights and had long conversations with Castle's paper image.

"It's a really good photo of you," she said, smiling as she remembered the day. They'd both been laughing at something silly that he'd said and Espo had captured the two of them in a moment of sheer joy and camaraderie, which hadn't been part of their relationship for a long time. She would like to have left herself in the photo since he was her partner, but since he didn't seem to like her very much at the time she'd had the mug printed she figured he'd be happier not having to look at her face every time he took a sip of coffee. Her smile slid away quickly and she handed the mug back to him just as his cappuccino was ready.

"Glad you like it, Castle." She turned on her heel to leave and then glanced back at him over her shoulder. "I'm heading to the courthouse for an hour or two, so if Espo and Ryan get called out, why don't you ride along with them?"

"I will, thanks." Castle felt somewhat deflated as he watched her leave, wishing he could have spent more time with her today. He wondered how long it would take for that wall of hers to come tumbling down, but he was more than ready to wait now that she'd admitted she was ready, or almost ready for it to happen. He always had been willing; he'd just needed some encouragement.

After filling up his mug, he headed back into the squad room and immediately felt better when he spied his pal Esposito.

"Hey, Esposito, I understand that you're responsible for my superb mug," he smiled, holding it up. "Well, I suppose I'm responsible for my superb mug," he said, pointing to his face, "and you're responsible for the photo and Beckett is responsible for the coffee mug."

Esposito rolled his eyes at Castle's never-ending love of himself. "Let's see, bro." Espo reached his hand out and took the mug from him. "I only forwarded the photo to Beckett and haven't seen how the mug turned out." He glanced at both sides, looking puzzled.

"What's wrong," Castle asked. "Doesn't it look as good at your original?"

"That's not the original. I mean Beckett was in the original photo. It was a really, really good picture of both of you and I thought that's what she wanted on the mug. You know, partners and all?"

"I'd like to see it if you still have it," Castle said, trying to hide his hurt. "Can you send it to my phone?"

"Yeah, sure." Just then, Esposito's phone rang and Castle stood beside his desk impatiently while the detective talked on the precinct phone and thumbed through his cell phone photos. Finally he gave Castle a thumbs up and the photo arrived almost immediately on his own phone.

Castle opened it up and stared, just stared. It was a beautiful photo of both of them looking so happy as they turned towards each other laughing about something. He suddenly remembered a lot of those good days and those better times that had been pushed to the back of his memory in the wake of feeling rejected, lied to and betrayed. What an idiot he'd been, keeping things to himself and not discussing them with her. He cringed when he thought about the way he'd spoken to her and that whole Jacinda debacle. His mother had been right: he had been punishing Beckett even though he hadn't been doing it consciously. He was actually rather surprised that she didn't appear to hold a grudge about his behavior.

Castle looked down at the photo again. So Kate didn't want to be on the mug? She couldn't stand to have a permanent image of the two of them together? Suddenly losing his desire for the cappuccino, he went back into the break room and poured it out. After washing and drying the cup, he put it on Beckett's desk, as she had suggested, even though he might not be using it again.

Beckett returned a couple hours later and the first thing she did was look around for Castle since she noticed both Esposito and Ryan were there.

"Did Castle leave?"

"Yeah, he did," replied Esposito. Glancing up at her with curiosity, he continued, "Can you tell me why you cut yourself out of the photo on the mug?"

"I don't think Castle wants to look at my face, Espo," she answered, sitting down at her desk and turning her back to him. "Maybe now, but not then when I had the mug made."

"You're joking, right?" Esposito came over and plunked down in the chair beside her desk, Castle's chair. "You should have seen his face when I told him that you had been in the original picture and that I had no idea that you were going to cut yourself out."

"Why would you tell him that, Javi?" Beckett was furious. "He didn't need to know that."

"Yeah, well, you should have seen him, Beckett. It was like he thought you didn't consider him your partner, that all the years you've spent together on cases didn't matter to you."

"This is none of your business, Javi. Now haven't you got something you can do at your desk? Right now?"

Esposito clicked his tongue and heaved himself out of the chair, muttering under his breath but loudly enough that Beckett heard him as he left the room, "Some people are so clueless."

Beckett felt sick as she stared at Castle's face on the mug and then turned it around so she wouldn't have to look at it. Good going, Kate, chalk up another bad decision on your part. Now what are you going to do about damage control?

Suddenly, she thought of one thing that would make her feel better right now. She picked up the mug, glanced around the room and when saw that she was alone she dropped it on the floor, watching as Castle's image shattered into as many pieces as her heart had over the previous weeks. She scooped up the shards, put them into her bag so that there would be no evidence in the break room, and headed home to throw them out.

On the way, though, she had one stop to make. It might be too late, but she had to try.