There exists a space in between us that for so long I thought no one else could come into.
I was mistaken- it wasn't a space for you and I. It was a space for you and him. Surprising even myself, I was hurt.
How had you come into my inner circle? How had I let myself become so attached to what wasn't mine? When had you become the lighthouse on the shore? Painstakingly, I tried to reconstruct myself into something resembling who I used to be, before you. Put the pieces of my puzzle back into the picture of who I was previously. But I was still in your space, what I had thought was for us. So I broke it. I destroyed our place and fled from the flames. I had to return home anyways.
I lied to myself, told myself I didn't miss you, I didn't miss where we met. You were happy, you had to be happy. Had I made you unhappy? Your name became the lump in my throat that I could never say out loud, always on the tip of my tongue. I caught the stares, they were hard to miss. Everyone around me who didn't understand. How could I tell them that I was humiliated, always the wrong one. He was always the good one. It was the first time in my life that I thought someone had chosen me. I'm no competition for him.
I'd brush the ash off my shoulders, the scorch marks leaving left on me but they won't go away. I can't sleep because all I see when I close my eyes is the face you made when you realized. You've probably gone and created a new space for the two of you. You were so clumsy at everything except for giving love. You've probably bulldozed the wreckage that I caused and created a wholly new space for you two. It's probably better because I'm not there. It's fitting that the two people I care the most about found each other. The picture of who I was before you was gone forever, but I'm sure that you are left untouched by my self destruction. You are unbreakable, and for me, untouchable.
I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine.
I don't miss you.
I don't miss your smile or the way your hair moves when I call your name or the way you turn red or the way you light up when someone is kind to you or the way you are thoughtful and caring or the way you empathize with anyone and everyone or the way you walk and it's like watching a spring rainstorm.
I don't think about you at all.
I don't think about your tea, or the way you worry your lip when you do homework. I don't think about how delicate your wrists are, I don't think about your neat kanji. I don't think about your sleepy expression when you've just woken up, I don't think about how you smell like spices and home, I don't think about you when I see the leaves turn red in the fall. I don't think about you.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
You don't love me.
I don't miss you.
I don't miss you at all.
You're certainly not the reason I am awake in the middle of the night purchasing a plane ticket.
It wasn't until I saw you again for the first time in an eon that I realized I had failed. You must have grabbed an extinguisher, or blanket and smothered the flames. Or perhaps it was that I was never capable of the level of destruction that I believed myself to be. Either way it only took a single shared glanced and one intake of breath for me to realize that what you had created with me, shared with me, what I had run run from was still fully intact and pulling me in like gravity. More than intact it was... improved?
How is this possible? Where has he gone? He was supposed to stay with you. I wonder if I could destroy it again, and then quickly dismiss the thought. Can I keep running? I don't want to run from you. Instinctively I know that to be possible but ringing just as true is the knowledge that I can't run from this forever.
You smile, tentatively.
I can't escape you.
Your smile widens, and the warmth in your eyes is like honey in tea on a warm summer day.
You don't love me.
The pull of gravity increases, like someone using a tractor beam. I dig in my heels. I clench my jaw.
I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine I'm fi-
You say my name the way only you say it. Our stares lock and the space between us isn't a space anymore. It's a black hole, drawing me in even as I resist. Suddenly, I am tumbling down like Alice, sinking with the realization that I'll never escape. Only one question comes to the top of my mind;
Do I even want to?
I smile back at you and I think of the leaves in autumn. I still need confirmation but I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I am an idiot.
You look at me and cock your head to the side, worrying your lip as if I am a difficult problem. I need more answers, I need to ask the questions. I say your name and breath leaves you in a gasp, but that may be because there is no more space between us.
I ask the question.
An image of the maple leaves falling comes into my mind. You're angry. Your cheeks puff out. I poke one. Your voice raises and lowers, berating me as I am transfixed, watching you. You are so... touchable. Then you give me my answer. You worry your lip again, and I make you stop.
Honey and spice.
I'm home now.
The space we created is ours, just for you and I.
This is my first official submission to FF, please be kind! I have other stories in the works but I felt compelled to post this. Please let me know your thoughts.