Disclaimer:I do not own Degrassi.
Massively random I know. For whatever reason I couldn't get it out of my head, lol. Let me know what you guys think.
Weakness is an attribute I hate. Yet, I loved you. Still love you, even though I now know that she isn't your only weakness. I wasn't strong enough for you back then. With me, you had to be the strong one. You had to be the one to pick up the pieces and put them back together and maybe...maybe for a little while that was what you wanted. You didn't want the stone cold girl with perfect hair who was always picking up your scattered pieces, you wanted the broken girl with messy hair and chewed up fingernails who could make you feel like you were a man. But beneath that want, there was a want much stronger that you couldn't conceal, even from me; from the girl who only saw the world the way she wanted to see it.
I can say I know what true love is because I found that with you, but it wasn't really you, was it? I found true love with the person I thought you were, the problem was that you'd already found that love and it certainly wasn't with me. I always knew you'd go back to her some day, so it shouldn't have hurt as much as it did when it happened. It shouldn't have created the gaping hole in my chest that still hasn't healed, will never heal. I thought with time I'd get over you, I made myself believe that I was in love with Craig Manning. I made myself believe that it was him that I wanted and wasn't I smart with that? I let myself believe I loved someone that would never love me back, that would never want me. I couldn't have pretended long enough to stay with him if it had been me he had chosen instead of Manny. It wasn't hard for me to keep pretending when he was with Manny, my hate for her was real. She was the best friend of the girl you loved and that was enough for me to hate her.
Like you, she couldn't see past the compassionate facade that your blond angel put up. She couldn't see the cold brown eyes that were always so carefully concealed, or the way Emma was always only looking out for numero uno. I never understood how the girl could be so loved by everyone, even by the people who pretended to hate her. Jay Hogart for instance. I thought for sure that he was the only other person beside me who could see past her facade, but I was wrong. He let himself fall into her trap and he got burned. Even after he saw her for who she truly was, he still loved her. I always found that funny. For whatever reason I could always see the two of them ending up together. They would be perfect for each other, you know. Both of them are cold as ice, both of them so uncaring for everyone around them. Their only difference is that he shows it to the world that he doesn't give a shit, and she keeps it carefully hidden.
Did you go back to her because you didn't have to the strong one with her? You knew that you didn't have to hide who you were with her and pretend to be the one who had it all together like you did with me? You could simply let her keep picking up the pieces and make you believe that you could be someone someday? She does that for people. Manny, her always so beautifully broken friend; Liberty, whose feelings are always so guarded but always such a mess; JT, the boy who hides his sadness behind a clown's smile; Peter, the lonely boy who wants so badly to be loved; and you, the bad boy on the outside, but so lost inside. She gave all of you a reason to feel like you mattered. When did you have to pick up her pieces? Never.
There was only once that I'd ever heard about her falling apart. I wonder if the stress of having to pretend to be someone she isn't finally caught up to her. The evil part of me that I hide deep inside laughed cruelly when I found out about her anorexia. The jealous monster in me hoped that she would kill herself with her disease. Do you find that horrifying? Do you find me horrifying for feeling that way? I don't. I find myself simply human and for once if you found out my feelings about your perfect girlfriend I wouldn't care what you thought of me because maybe you would start to look for the chinks in her perfect facade and maybe you would finally see.
But none of that matters because I know that even if you did see it wouldn't matter. You went back to her when you found out what happened between her and Jay. You went back to pretending that she'd never fallen off of that sky high pedestal you keep her on. To you she almost isn't human, you believe she wears a halo. I, too, can see that halo, but I see that it's crooked and slowly falling away. I saw the way she turned on her best friend after JT's death, practically sending her to the gallows with out a second's hesitation. Instead of seeing her, then, for who she truly is, you simply went along with her. Maybe it wasn't because of Emma, herself, maybe it was because of JT. That's something I will never know. I can see, though, through that distorted view how it would seem a betrayal to Manny's dead friend that she would hook up with a boy from Lakehurst. I can understand that sentiment, so maybe I won't blame you for what you did. Not in the way I blame you for so many other things.
You went to jail for Emma. Would you have ever gone to jail for me? No. No, you wouldn't have. You wouldn't have acted so stupidly "macho" that way for someone as insignificant as myself. You didn't even come to see me when you returned. I never even got an apology from you for leaving me. It still baffles me that you never even called me, simply had your mom call to ask me if I could send your things. So maybe I'm wrong and you do deserve to be with the preppy girl with ice for a heart. Maybe you have ice for a heart as well, but you hide it behind all the weakness that shine through.
I've only ever truly hated one person. I've only ever wanted to see true physical harm come to one person and that's your girlfriend. I would dance on her grave if she died and laugh in the faces of all those who cried silent tears at her funeral. Would you come back to me, then? Or have you simply forgotten about me? I watched you at her party. I watched you from across the room as you fawned over her and I watched as the two of you silently stole away to the sanctity of her bedroom. I know what you were doing down there and it took all I had not to go bursting through that door and tear her away from you, screaming at the top of my lungs. Does it make you feel any guilt at all about what you've done to me? You've jaded me.
I'm with someone, now. Did you know? His name is Jesse and he loves me. I can see it in his eyes and it eats away at me that one day I will crush him. As I said before, there is only so long I can pretend, I don't have the strength that your Emma has to pretend for years and never feel an ounce of guilt for what I've done to those around me. It will hurt me when I hurt him, but I suppose in some way I am like Emma. Because there's a part of me that doesn't give a shit that he will be left in the dust and only be a memory in time.
He will be what I was to you. Simply a stand in that could never quite compare to the person I truly wanted to be with. I could never quite meet the high expectations you had, even though you were so careful not to let me see that. These eyes see more that you think. Like the first time I let myself fully understand that I wasn't what I thought I was to you. After I'd first moved in with you and we were walking to school, our fingers linked, I saw out of the corner of my eye that you were watching her. I saw the look on your face that said to me that you still loved her, had never stopped loving her. She was standing at her locker talking to Toby about something and there was an evil glint in those dark eyes of hers, she turned towards us as if she could feel your eyes on her and she raised a single perfectly plucked eyebrow at you before you quickly turned away from her. My eyes were glued to her though, I could force myself to look away and she looked at me in such away that made me want to melt into the cold linoleum floor. It was as if she was telling me that I didn't matter and that she would have you back and the only reason she didn't was because she wasn't quite ready to take you back yet. I know now that if she had put any effort into it at all she could have had you back with the snap of her perfectly manicured fingers.
Does it hurt you to know that I see all of this? Does it hurt you to know that she will never love you. The only person Emma Nelson has ever loved is Emma Nelson. You are her toy, something for her to play with and be amused by. You are her pet project, just as Peter was. She loves that you are weak because as long as you are weak you will not see her for who she really is. As long as you are weak she gets to be the strong one and she gets to take care of you. She does not want you to be strong because if you are strong what need does she have for you? You will keep messing up and she will keep fixing you and the two of you are content with that. It sickens me that I still love you.
What sickens me even more is that I don't truly hate her. I can't. She is a disease that runs through our veins and we can't get rid of. She is the person that no one will ever truly hate. I love her as much as everyone else does and that makes me no better than any of them. But I can feel all the things I do because she has you and because she has never given me a second's thought. I was simply the girl that was standing in for her for a short period in time. I was not even a road block for her. I was simply there, somehow invading in her perfectly constructed universe and then I was gone. Emma Nelson is the girl that every other girl wants to be and never can be.