The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to the dogs. Not even this idea is completely mine. Invader Johnny gave it to me! Enjoy Invader Johnny!
Mallory Off The Leash
"What do you think it is?" Ray asked. He and Mallory were looking at a strange device on the breakroom table. It looked like a small grey tape recorder welded to a small cable box.
"I haven't the faintest idea," Mallory sniffed as she held a drink in her hand. "Nor do I care."
"Not even a little?" Ray asked. "I mean this is one of Krieger's inventions…"
"Which is why I don't care," Mallory glared at him. "Honestly the less I know about what that nitwit Nazi experiment experiments with the better!"
"Do you want me to find Krieger and get rid of this thing?" Ray asked.
"No, I want you to just stand there and ask stupid questions," Mallory gave him a look. "Can you be any more of a simpering sissy?"
"Can you be any more of a bitch?" Ray asked.
Mallory threw the drink at Ray. He ducked and it missed him shattering against the wall. "AAAH!" Ray shouted as he ran off.
"IDIOTS!" Mallory shouted. "I am constantly surrounded by idiots! And now I've lost another good glass…I should buy them by the case."
"WOOF! WOOF!"
"Oh dear god what fresh hell is happening now?" Mallory groaned.
Before she knew it running into the breakroom was the shaggiest mangiest looking grey furred dog she ever saw. "What are you doing you stupid…?" Mallory shouted.
The dog leapt up into Mallory's arms. "AAAAH! GET OFF ME YOU STUPID MONGREL!" Mallory shouted. She was so surprised she fell backwards towards the table. "HELP!"
She realized she bumped into something. Then she felt a very strong volt of electricity pulse through her body before blacking out.
The first thing she was aware of was Lana's voice. "What possessed you to bring a dog in here in the first place?"
"I didn't bring her in here!" Archer was heard shouting. "She followed me! This is the last time I get lunch from that barbecue joint down the street."
"How do you know it's a she?" Cyril was heard.
"She has dog tits! Six of 'em!" Archer shouted. "Or eight I wasn't able to count them all. And the fact that it doesn't have a dick or balls…"
"Ohhhh…" Mallory didn't feel so good.
"Is Mallory okay?" Lana's tone had concern in it.
"I'm fine…" Mallory groaned.
"She's still out cold," Cyril said.
"Damn Krieger and his crazy machines," Archer groaned. "What did he make this time?"
"Don't know," Ray was heard. "I was looking for him to explain."
Mallory opened her eyes. She was on the floor and saw the others standing around. "Will somebody please help me up or do I have to lie here all day?" Mallory growled.
"Shut up!" Archer gave her a harsh look. "This is all your fault you stupid bitch!"
"Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "How dare you talk to me like that?"
"Well that's what she is," Archer told the others. "Technically…"
"We'd better get it out of here before Mallory wakes up and wants to make a fur coat out of it," Cyril pointed at her.
"First of all, I wouldn't use that mangy mongrel's fur to clean my car much less wear it!" Mallory snarled as she stood up. "And second of all you idiots I'm clearly…"
That was when she saw herself lying passed out on the floor. "Awake…?"
"Come on dog," Archer went to pick her up. "Let's get you out of here before Mother wakes up and has a hissy fit."
"Hang on!" Mallory managed to get to her feet and backed away. "What's happening? Sterling! Hang on!"
"You don't belong here," Archer reached out to grab her.
"Sterling! What are you doing?" Mallory tried to back away on her four feet. "Wait…Since when do I have four feet?"
That was when she saw her distorted reflection in the refrigerator door. "OH MY GOD I'M A DOG! AND A MUTT AT THAT?"
The next thing she knew she was being picked up. "Put me down! Put me down!" Mallory barked. "Sterling!"
"Quiet down you dumb bitch," Archer said. "Before you wake up the evil bitch."
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Mallory barked.
Before she knew it she was flying in the air and landed on the sidewalk. "Sterling!"
"Get out dog!" Archer pointed. "Go on! Git! Go! Scram!"
"Sterling!" Mallory barked. Archer slammed the door in her face.
"Hey! Let me back in!" Mallory barked as she scratched on the door. "Sterling! Sterling it's me!"
"Right. I'm a dog now…And not even a purebred! What kind of indignity is…? Wait…Krieger! Krieger's stupid machine is responsible for this! He can change me back! I just have to find that idiot!"
A weirdly designed van drove by. "I'd know that date rape vehicle anywhere! Krieger you'd better fix this!" She ran off after the van. "Then I'll kill you when I get my hands on you. When I actually get hands again that is…"
She followed the van around back and saw Krieger getting out of the van. "Krieger! Krieger you idiot! It's me! Look what your stupid inventions did to me this time!"
"Ooh goody!" Krieger's eyes lit up. He grabbed a net. "A new test subject!"
"On second thought," Mallory ran away as fast as she could. "Maybe going to Krieger isn't the best idea?"
It wasn't long before she was far away on the streets. "This is ridiculous. No one can understand me! That's right. Dogs can't speak human! Great! I'm a former spy trapped in the body of a dog! This is ridiculous!"
"Trust me sweetheart, it could be worse."
"Who said that?" Mallory turned around. She saw a goldfish being carried by a man in a blue suit walking by.
"At least you don't have to travel around in a freaking plastic bag if you want to go anywhere!" The goldfish snapped in German accent.
"O-kay…" Mallory blinked. "I'm going to walk away now…" Which she did.
"All right Mallory think," She let out a breath. "What would Lassie do?"
"Well the first thing I should do is get a drink…"
Shortly after at an outside table at a fancy restaurant…
"Look I don't care!" One well-dressed executive was talking to another. "My client wants gross profit position and that's what she gets! I…What the…?"
Mallory had managed to grab a bottle of wine with her teeth and drank it, tilting her head back. She held up her paw and tried to hold up a…well not a finger but a paw part.
"MY MERLOT!" The executive shouted. "GET OUT OF HERE YOU MUTT!"
SMASH!
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT YOU FLEA BITTEN BITCH!" The executive shouted as Mallory dropped the bottle and it shattered on the ground.
"Well I never!" Mallory scoffed as she ran off. "And that wine was too good for your taste buds anyway fatso!"
"Did that dog try to give me the finger?" The executive asked.
"Knowing you, probably…" The other executive remarked.
"That's better," Mallory said to herself as she walked away. "Okay. Now to think of what to do next."
"Hang on…If I'm in the dog's body then that means that that bitch is in my body! So…I have to go back! I mean even those idiots would notice that I'm not myself," Mallory reasoned. "Right?"
Back at the agency…
"Okay! Okay Mother I get the message!" Archer shouted. Mallory had grabbed his sandwich using her teeth and pulled it out of his hands. "God! So I accidentally brought a dog into this office that attacked you! That's no reason to take my sandwich!"
"GRRRR!" Dog Mallory growled. "RAR! BARK!"
"Fine! Take my sandwich!" Archer threw up his hands and walked away. "God could you be any more of a bitch?"
Dog Mallory ate the sandwich. Cheryl walked by. "BARK!" Dog Mallory barked.
"All right! I'll go back to work!" Cheryl threw up her hands. "Jesus! Don't be such a bitch!"
Back on the street…
"Great I'm one screwed pooch," Mallory groaned. "Can this day get any worse?"
"GOTCHA!"
A net was thrown over Mallory. "Apparently yes…" She groaned.
Back at the agency…
"Hey have you guys noticed something's a little off with Mallory?" Lana asked as she approached Ray, Cheryl, Cyril and Pam in the bullpen.
"Since the first day I met her," Ray remarked. "And it's gone downhill ever since."
"I mean really off," Lana emphasized. "More than usual. I mean she's been barking at everyone all day."
"Ms. Archer barks at everyone all the time," Cyril gave her a look.
"Yes but not literally!" Lana told him. "Well okay, during a few Christmas parties. And a few other parties. And that one she got completely plastered in San Marcos. But other than that…"
"Now that you mention it…" Pam said. "I saw her eating a whole sandwich."
"That is pretty suspicious," Cheryl frowned.
"Hey guys," Krieger walked in with a device in his hands. "Have you been playing around with my consciousness switcher?"
"Is that what that thing is?" Ray asked. "What does it do?"
"It switches your mind patterns to the patterns of another mind," Krieger explained.
"You mean it's like a mind swap machine?" Pam was stunned.
"Pretty much yeah," Krieger said.
"Why did you leave that in the break room?" Ray asked.
"I left it behind by accident last night while I was making a sandwich," Krieger shrugged.
"So you left a machine that can switch one mind to another…?" Lana realized. "Uh oh…"
"What?" Krieger asked.
"You don't think…?" Ray gasped.
"Uh oh…" Cyril blinked.
"What?" Krieger asked.
"We had a little incident this morning," Ray winced.
"What?" Krieger asked. "What kind of incident?"
"Well that explains what's going on the Ladies' room," Cheryl blinked.
Cut to a shot of Mallory drinking out of one of the toilets.
"Oh this is not good," Cyril winced. Lana, Cheryl, Pam, Krieger and Ray watched the scene with him.
"Are you kidding?" Pam was taking pictures with her cell phone. "This is f##%%^ hilarious! I gotta put these on my Facebook page!"
"Krieger…" Lana glared at him.
"How is this my fault?" Krieger asked.
"You're kidding right?" Ray gave him a look.
"Somebody get her out of there," Lana groaned.
"Not it," Ray spoke up. "What? I don't want her dirty tongue on me!"
"I'll get her," Pam rolled her eyes as she put her cell phone away. "Come here girl! Come here!"
Dog Mallory bounded over on all fours. "Woof!"
"So to recap, Mallory is now a dog," Lana groaned as they left the ladies' room. Dog Mallory followed on all fours.
"And to think," Ray remarked. "I didn't think it was possible for her to be a bigger bitch than she already was."
"I wonder how long it will take for Archer to notice?" Pam mused as she helped Dog Mallory sit in a chair.
"Knowing him, it could be days," Cheryl snorted.
"Even Archer isn't that clueless," Lana told her.
"Afternoon idiots," Archer walked in. "What are we doing?"
"Bark!" Dog Mallory said.
"Oh God Mother are you still going on about what happened earlier?" Archer groaned.
"Grrrrrrrrrr," Dog Mallory growled.
"I said I was sorry!" Archer said.
"No, you didn't," Cheryl said.
"Carol!" Archer glared at her.
"Grrrrrr…BARK!" Mallory barked.
"Okay! Fine! I'm sorry!" Archer rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry! Are you happy now?"
"BARK!" Dog Mallory leapt on him and knocked him down. Then she started licking him.
"I would take that as a yes," Ray quipped.
"Wait a minute…" Archer did a double take. "Oh my god! Mother's brain has been replaced by a dog's!"
"Told you, he'd notice," Lana gave the others a look.
"Well yeah!" Archer snapped. "The dog is a lot more affectionate than my mother!"
"And more forgiving," Pam added.
"Krieger what did you do?" Archer pushed Dog Mallory off him.
"Why does everyone always…?" Krieger began. Everyone glared at him. "Oh fine! There was a slight whoopsie in the break room with my consciousness swapping machine."
"It's a mind swap device," Cheryl said.
"I figured that out from the context Carol!" Archer snapped. "A slight whoopsie?"
Ray gave Krieger a look. "Krieger a slight whoopsie is when you spill coffee on the rug. Not when you switch brains between a human and a dog!"
"English isn't my first language!" Krieger snapped. "Sue me!"
"That would be an interesting lawsuit," Cyril blinked.
"What?" Lana gave him a look.
"You have to admit the legal precedent of suing someone for accidentally switching a human's mind with a dog's would be pretty interesting," Cyril said.
"Will you shut up Isaac Asshole-ov?" Lana barked.
"So you're saying this machine switched a dog's brain with my mother's?" Archer pointed. "Krieger how could you be so irresponsible?"
"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Cyril gave him a look.
"You know what this means," Ray said. "It means that dog you kicked out into the street was really your mother. Who could be anywhere by now."
"The pound, an animal testing lab, a Korean barbecue joint," Cheryl counted off. "Lying dead on the street after being hit by a car."
"AAHHH!" Archer gasped.
"Koreans do not eat dogs!" Lana barked. "That's totally a stereotype!"
"Actually that is a thing Lana," Cyril corrected. "Dog meat is a typical staple in many Asian and Southeast countries. Korea, Vietnam, China, Thailand…"
"But not over here!" Lana snapped.
"Yeah," Cheryl scoffed. "Over here they put dog meat into high school food!"
"You're confusing that with actual dog food they put in some high schools," Pam groaned.
"They don't use dog food in high schools," Ray said. "Not even in mine! Okay I admit we had possum a couple of times but that was more of a potluck thing…"
"I'm serious," Pam said. "In my high school they substituted breakfast cereals for dry dog food. That's one of the reasons our superintendent was caught skimming funds from the school budget."
"You're joking," Archer did a double take.
"I wish," Pam told him. "My old high school was a crap hole that was literally falling apart. Asbestos falling from the ceiling. Running out of toilet paper. They caught Superintendent Bombard skimming millions of dollars from all the schools."
"That's horrible!" Cyril gasped. "Did they catch him when they did an audit?"
"That and when his thousand-dollar racehorse tested positive for steroids," Pam shrugged. "Man got sixty-five years in prison but got out of it when he was murdered in a prison riot on his first day."
"Is that why you have a box of Canine Crunchies in your pantry?" Cheryl asked.
"It's made from almost the same stuff regular cereal is made from!" Pam snapped. "And it cleans your teeth as well."
"I thought your teeth were looking whiter lately," Cheryl remarked.
"Thank you," Pam grinned.
"Can we circle back to the surprisingly saner conversation here?" Lana groaned. "Which considering it's that Mallory's mind has switched places with a dog…"
"I guess we'd better go find her," Archer groaned. Cheryl was about to speak. "I am talking about the dog that has my mother's brain!"
"Oh right," Cheryl nodded.
"Hang on a second," Cyril thought of something. "Let's think this through for a minute."
"What is there to think about?" Lana snapped. "Mallory's body is being inhabited by a dog!"
"I know. A nice friendly dog," Cyril said. "Who quite honestly is giving Archer more affection than he would ever get from his real mother."
"Look Cyril…" Archer began. Mallory Dog hugged him. "He does kind of have a point."
"And let's face it," Cheryl spoke up. "This is probably what Ms. Archer would be reincarnated as anyway."
"The bitch is now an actual bitch," Ray agreed. "Talk about Karma."
"You just want my mother out of the way so you can run the agency without her interfering!" Archer snapped.
"She also wouldn't be in the way of interfering in your life anymore," Pam pointed out.
Archer thought a moment before he pushed Dog Mallory off him and stood up. "That is a good…No wait…No! We can't…Well…Maybe…? I mean logically I know this isn't my mother but…"
"You're actually considering this aren't you?" Lana barked. "Keeping the dog and leaving Mallory in the dog's body!"
"Technically it's not really a dog in there," Cyril said. "It's just the dog's brain patterns. If you look at it one way, it's still Ms. Archer…She just got her personality switched. Not her actual mind so…"
"Honestly I like Ms. Archer better this way," Pam said.
"Me too," Ray said.
"Yeah she is a lot more fun like this," Cheryl giggled. "I bet we could play fetch with her and everything!"
"That is a stupid crazy plan even for us!" Lana threw up her hands.
"It's not like we could pass this one off as Ms. Archer," Ray said. "Can we?"
"We could always say she had a stroke and teach her a few simple words," Cyril said. "Who would know the difference?"
"We would know the difference Cyril!" Lana barked. "I can't believe you would all let Mallory stay a dog and…Oh wait! Yes I can!"
"Again, Karma!" Ray interrupted.
"And besides," Cheryl spoke up. "Ms. Archer gave you power of attorney Lana."
"She what now?" Lana did a double take.
"Yeah I remember snooping through some of her papers," Cheryl said casually. "And Ms. Archer named you as her guardian if anything happened to her. And to manage her money."
"My mother has money left?" Archer asked.
"A couple million at least in offshore accounts," Cheryl shrugged.
"A couple…million?" Lana gasped. "At least?"
"How much money are we talking about exactly?" Archer asked.
"Enough to put AJ and any bastard siblings she has through college," Cheryl added. "And she also has a secret retirement condo in Florida she managed to keep on."
"Really?" Lana raised an eyebrow. She and Archer gave each other a look.
"You know…" Archer said. "We could just try this out for a few weeks? Give this a shot?"
Dog Mallory hugged Archer again and licked his cheek. "Going to have to teach her not to lick people but still…" Archer winced. "And like Cyril said technically it's not an actual dog in there. There's a slight chance that Mother could revert back on her own after a few weeks right?"
"Or years but yeah that could happen," Krieger shrugged. "A very slim chance but still…"
"And we could actually damage her mind even more if we fool around with it," Cyril said quickly. "So the logical choice is to just let this whole thing ride and see if it works itself out."
"I hate to say it but that is the more logical step," Ray shrugged. "And again I like her better like this. At least she's not insulting us every five minutes."
"It's not like Mallory hasn't been…Oh what's the word?" Lana rationalized. "Completely evil?"
"She has done a lot of rotten things to us," Pam said.
"She's said a lot of rotten things to us," Ray added.
"And made us do a lot of rotten things," Cyril added.
"This is just God's wrath punishing her," Ray said.
"Normally Ray I wouldn't agree with the whole God's wrath thing," Lana said as Dog Mallory rolled around on the floor. "But honestly…I gotta give it to you."
"Oh sweet Jesus I'd better get my ass to church," Pam realized.
"Aren't you all forgetting something?" Archer asked. "What about Ron?"
Everyone paused a moment. Then they laughed. "I know right?" Archer laughed.
"We'll just lay Bitch Archer low and tell Ron she ran off with an old flame of hers," Pam scoffed.
"He would totally believe that," Cheryl nodded.
"I could draw up some divorce papers in no time," Cyril said.
"And remember California law says you split fifty/fifty!" Pam added.
"We'll let Ron off with most of his stuff," Ray said. "Say Ms. Archer's new boyfriend is richer. He'll buy that."
"As long as we get the house," Archer said. "We could flip it and make a profit."
"Archer we could get at least a million for that house the way the market is now," Lana said.
"More than that," Cyril said. "Even if we all get a cut we could do pretty well."
"We're free!" Cheryl squealed. "Finally free!"
"Hang on!" Krieger said. "What about the real Ms. Archer? When she comes back and…"
"Krieger can I see your machine for a minute?" Cheryl said innocently.
"Uh okay…" Krieger gave it to her.
"Thank you," Cheryl then put it on the floor. "Wait right there for a moment." She walked out of the room for a minute. Then walked back in with an axe.
CRASH! SMASH!
The machine was now in pieces. "God damn Cheryl…" Ray whistled.
"Oops," Cheryl said as she pulled up the axe. "Machine's broken. Guess it's permanent."
"I get dibs on her office!" Archer called out.
"Fine but I get half of her scotch," Cyril said.
"He is drawing up the divorce papers," Lana said.
"Okay that's fair," Archer said. "Ray, Pam. Take my new mother somewhere where she can learn to be toilet trained. Lana you call Ron and tell him Mother's run off. He'll believe you."
"One question," Krieger spoke up. "What about the actual Ms. Archer? She's trapped inside a dog's body forever! What if she comes back?"
"Then I'll go all Ol' Yeller on her ass," Cheryl spoke up.
"We are not going to shoot my mother," Archer said. "Unless she has rabies. Yeah then we kind of have to. But other than that…"
"I'm sure Mallory will be fine," Lana waved.
"If not, who cares?" Ray whooped. "The bitch is gone! Long live the new bitch!" Dog Mallory howled happily.
"Yeah my mother is fine," Archer waved. "Dog or not she can take care of herself!"
Meanwhile somewhere else across the city…
"This has got to be the lowest point in my entire life," Mallory groaned as she sat in a kennel. "And considering my life that's a damn high record to beat!"
Dogs were barking all around her. "SHUT UP!" She snapped. "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a scotch around here?"
"Tell me about it sister," A white dog with a red collar groaned. "God I hate rehab."
"Wait, how come you can talk but I…?" Mallory did a double take. She heard someone coming. "Oh god! I know what happens to old dogs! They get killed and then sold to Korean restaurants for barbecue!"
Just then two women walked in. "Relax sister dog!" A woman that looked and sounded exactly like Cheryl wearing hippie clothing said.
"We are like here to take care of you!" The other woman looked and sounded exactly like Pam was also wearing hippie clothes.
"Pam? Carol?" Mallory blinked. "Why do you look like that?"
"This is a no-kill shelter," The Cheryl Hippie said. "I'm Cher and this is my lesbian lover Sam!"
"Okay…" Mallory did a double take. "Despite the fact that idiocy obviously runs rampant in the gene pool I'm safe."
"You're going to live with us at the Trudy Beekman Home For Recovering Alcoholics!" Cher said cheerfully.
"You're going to be a therapy dog!" Sam added. "Helping people recover and live a life of sobriety!"
"Is anyone infected with rabies?" Mallory screamed in dog. "I'd rather be shot!"
"Oh see how happy she is?" Cher smiled.
"Well who wouldn't be happy living a life of selflessly helping people and being sober?" Sam asked. "Oh we should get those Irish crippled orphans in! They'll be great to start her off with."
"No…No…." Mallory shook her head. "This is not happening!"
"So what do we name this old girl?" Sam asked.
"My name is Mallory!" Mallory shouted. "You hippie dippie asshole!"
"A name that has significance! That has meaning!" Cher said.
"If you call me Carol or Cheryl I will bite you…" Mallory warned.
"I know!" Sam said. "We'll name her after our founder! Trudy!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mallory shot up in bed.
"Honey keep it down," Ron was heard muttering. "I'm trying to sleep…"
Mallory looked at her hands. "Just a dream…" She let out a breath. "Just a stupid dream."
"Oh God now I remember…" Mallory groaned. "I was watching AJ for the evening and passed out during the movie I put on. That's the last time I drink vodka tonics while watching The Shaggy Dog."
Just then Ron turned to look at her. Only his face had changed to that of a scruffy looking dog. "Say Doll face. I have the weirdest hankering for bacon this morning. You think you can rustle up some of that for me?"
"And apparently I took one of Krieger's pills," Mallory groaned. "I hope."
"Honey, can you scratch my back?" Ron the Dog asked. "I think I have fleas."