-(Little Things)-
:::By:::Cereal:::Killa:::
{~}
(There were little things that I loved about her.)
They were tiny, pleasant things. Most people don't care about the qualities I loved about her. Most people don't notice them. Maybe that's why she didn't want me to hold her or tell her that I wanted her. Because the last thing she wanted to do was believe it. I can't understand- the last thing I wanted was to admit that I loved her.
Tiny things, they meant so much more than what she thought they did. I miss her freckles and her eyes, but mostly I miss her laugh. I miss her smile and her blush and the way she held my hand when she believed in me, when she wanted for me to see what she saw in me. When she wanted me to realize that she liked me back. Her little fingers would intertwine with mine, and I'm pretty sure my heart would jump out of my chest.
Mostly because it was always so much different when she showed affection. Her affection was sweet like cotton candy, not like the way she usually was. I had always been the one to encourage the relationship, to be so suggestive, to try and make her want me as much as I wanted her, so when she grabbed hold of my hand, it was always sugar coated. It meant more than when other people do that. Because Courtney hates being that way. So I knew it was true- I knew that she meant it when she kissed me and told me that she loved me.
I never doubted for a second that I loved her and every part of her- like I said, I loved all the tiny things that made her as a whole. I felt like such a sap for feeling like throwing up each time I saw her. I thought for the longest time that I just hated her- it would explain it more than the fact that I could just fall for someone that quickly. I mean, she had never showed any kindness toward me and I wanted her so bad it ached. How can you love someone when you're sure they don't love you back?
Or maybe I wasn't sure. All I know is that I must be the luckiest bastard in the world because she actually liked me back. You've gotta give me credit- I tried so hard to win her heart that it was embarrassing. Everyone saw it, and that was what left me so disgusted with myself. What made it so strange and just freaking gross was the fact that I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about how people saw me. I didn't care about how people looked at me- not as much as I cared about what she thought of me.
Technically, I was just really confused about she wanted from me at first. Those tiny things I loved about her… she didn't seem to love any part of me. She just kept denying it, and denying it, over and over and over, and it started to affect me. Sooner or later I started believe it. I started to think that she didn't like me, not even a little bit.
And that was when I started getting angry. If she wasn't going to accept me, well then, I was no longer up for grabs. I tried to ignore her, but she was everywhere. She haunted my mind and thoughts and dreams and that's when I realized exactly how messed up I had let myself get. I had let myself fall in love with her, I had let her become this huge part of my life, so huge that I couldn't function without her. And she didn't even fucking want me.
I wasn't going to follow her around like a damn lost puppy though. I had my pride. I had my pride… but somewhere along the way, I lost it. I'll never know where the hell I let it go off to, but I reached a point where I stopped caring about those tiny things and I decided I wanted every part of her, to myself, to keep, just for me, mine, mine, mine. I started to get possessive about Courtney- no one could touch her. It didn't matter if she didn't want me around, if she didn't love me back. As long as she didn't want anyone else, and as long as no wanted her.
No, I didn't follow her around, but I sure as hell guarded her. I knew she would get mad at me, but surprisingly, she didn't. I started to notice that she would often let me guard her, that she would allow me to act as though she was mine, even if she wasn't. I lied to myself and said that it was enough. Her letting me love her was enough.
But it wasn't. After a while, after waiting for her, I was done. I was so close to giving up that I felt like smashing something. She was making me give up. She was going to make me this way, because I knew it was going to tear me apart when I gave up on her. I was going to have to quit her cold turkey- oh, yeah right, like I would be able to do that. I had tried to get away from her before, to see if it was her presence that was robbing me, but no, it didn't work, when I was without her I was easily angered and always depressed.
Just quit on her? Just stop loving her? It made no sense, because no matter how much I told myself that I hated her demanding tone, I could only think of how much I loved her small laugh. Whenever I told myself that I hated how she pushed me around sometimes, I could only think of how much I adore her hands on me, her attention on me. No matter how much I told myself I didn't love her, all these little things kept popping back up and reminding me that I did love her, and everything thing about her- from the good to the bad. And it made me sick.
I decided that since I couldn't quit on her, I would just be mean to her. That worked out oh-so well. I'm serious. For the first part of it, the plan seemed to be working. I didn't like this side of her as much, so it was easier to deny her. But then I would see that flicker of hope in her eyes that I didn't understand. And then she said those few words- "What is wrong with you?" And as much as she tried to cover herself up quickly, I saw it- she was worried.
(About me.)
Some things clicked in my mind then that took my breath away. Some part of Courtney wanted me around, and that sucked me right back in. My sane part of me went all jumpy and frustrated and told me I was so pussy-whipped it wasn't even funny. He got mad and cursed at me and demanded that I blow a raspberry at her face and that if she had been a boy I should kick her in the nads.
My lovey-dovey side (which I didn't know I had) told me to take her in my arms and woo her and nuzzle her neck because I loved her. I didn't listen to that side of me for a second. He's kind of sex deprived and love sick, so he's not all that trustworthy.
And then, of course, there was the Duncan side, which I usually go with. He told me just what to do. "I didn't know you cared." Never has a truer statement been made. I really believed that Courtney had no worries about me and had no intention of worrying about me, ever. So this clever part of me, the sarcastic one who liked to make jokes and tease her to death, totally took over. I like to call him my cocky side. The one Courtney pretty much hates.
So as all that clicking was going on, her face just kept displaying different emotions that made my whole head spin. (Angry, angry, confused, smile, angry, angry, ANGRY, oh lord, Duncan shut up, Duncan come here, Duncan don't do that, angry, angry, Duncan stop, Duncan wait, Duncan please don't get hurt, Duncan, Duncan, angry, smile, angry, DUNCAN-)
(I do care!)
(I don't care!)
Angry.
Really angry.
(I'm going to walk away now.)
Yeah, and then she really did walk away. She walked away but I knew that she liked me back and that was all that mattered. She might not feel as strongly back, but she liked me and that made cocky me go super crazy and start chattering like a maniac inside my head. For the rest of the time, I was kind of a total dick, I know I was, and I started to doubt myself again, and things seemed to all be going wrong-
But then, things go right. Maybe God was looking down on me in pity for having the crazy raging hormones of a twelve year old fan girl, but someone decided that I needed some slack.
(Or maybe she really liked me.)
Because she grabbed my face in her hands and smiled at me and kissed me like I was all she wanted. She kissed me like I meant something to her- like I meant more to her than I knew. And it hurt me and made me smile and made me want to rip my hair out because god dammit, she liked me! Mother fucking son of a bitch, she liked me! Cocky Duncan quieted down, lovey dovey Duncan stared in awe, and sane Duncan sat grumbling in corner because I don't really like him.
Right then, I was in control. I pressed myself against her, trying to take in all though little things that I was so sure would never be mine, but that I knew could be. She was offering it to me, and it made me so sad. Could she not see that I had been hers to take for so long? But whatever. Better late than never, and I would have waited forever just for that one moment. I would have chased her to the end of the fucking world to feel that.
All the tiny things seemed to align in that moment.
There were little things that I loved about her.
I think now, though, I've come to accept the whole damn thing. I love her for everything. I love her for all she is. And I think she kinda likes me too.
(I think she might love me.)
There are little things I love about her.
(But mostly, I just love her.)
Mostly, I love the fact that every part of her, even the little things-
(They're mine.)
And I really love them all.
{~}
Authors Note:
I mean, I always thought about how people are always talking about Duncan loving things about Courtney, but what about just her? Her as a whole? *Does odd circle pattern with fingers* Isn't it so adorable that he wuvs his C.I.T? *fan-girl-ish faint*
Also- 99th story! Just one more. And listen to me. I've been working on this 100th story for like, a week. And that's a lot for me! It's so far 11,312 words and it's not even 3/4's finished. So I would really, REALLY appreciate it if you guys looked out for it (around the next five days or so) and reviewed. And you know how much I hate begging for reviews. SO I MUST BE DESPERATE.
You don't have to review this. :) Though it would be nice if you did.
I want to thank you for reading and helping me make it to my 99th (soon to 100th!) story! :D I love you guys with all my little freaking heart, and that's a lot for such a tiny heart! *heart beats out of chest*
*cries* I love you guys! Thanks for EVERYTHING!
First Draft Finished: 12/12/10
Final Draft Finished: 12/14/10
Published: 12/14/10
Fandom: Total Drama series
Disclaimer: Total Drama Island and all its characters are property of their respective owners.
©2010 Cereal-Killa