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Before the Fact
You turn around to face me, so excited, and I can tell that bubbling over your cool facade is the tempting impossible. And I know that you think I could fall for you, and that we could live happily ever after, but you are forgetting so much. I can see it in your eyes, your face is radiating confidence and glee, and I know what lunatic thoughts run through your mind. But you are not thinking rationally, and this scares me.
Have you ever noticed, have you ever stopped to think? We only exist in the game. To leave is to die. And yet here, we are immortal. In here we will always fight, always compete. But outside this protected circle, we cannot live. We have no future; we rely on the game for our very lives. What would we be without it? We would be nothing; we cannot exist without it. Do not dream, it is not worth the angst that comes later. We cannot be together, for the game gets in the way. The game gives us life; I will not sacrifice my life for you. Our very lives, our very nature prevent us, so do not even try. It is not worth trying for. It will never happen, we would die. We fight this battle every day. All too often, I see someone fall to the ground below, never to return, because they wished for something outside the game. I would never willingly take that plunge into nothingness, any life is better than none. Do you not agree? You are here, at the pinnacle moment in this frenzied war of ours; you must've clawed your way up to be here. I know only some of the terrible things you've done, but I do not blame you for them. I have done horrible, unorthodox things in my life; you've done the same, perhaps even worse things than I. So do not ridicule me for my mistakes; I know you make them too. Do not spite me for my cruelness, for you are as underhanded as I. Do not torment me with your near-perfection, because you are not worth my attrition.
Why? Oh why do you distract me from my life? From this all-important game? Is it because you are everything I can never have? Do you represent what my life could have been? We would be nothing without the game, and we are not nothing. We each strive to be better than the other, to justify our arrogance, our superiority, which has flourished without competition for years. You will not back down from your pedestal, and neither shall I. So how could we step down, if it would mean the other would win? I cannot do that, I have my pride at stake. My reputation. I like where I am; I only wish I were higher than you, instead of level. How is it that I have now come to wish for such simple things as to be with you? Things I rejected long ago and criticize? How do I wish that I need not to be admired by millions to feel happy? How can I want to kill, to annihilate the game that has given me everything I have, and that has made me into what I am? I cannot turn on my creator, something that has helped mold me into what I am. As you must have done too, I suppose. I am different now from how I was when I first met you, and you are different too. Everything has a hand in shaping everything else, and we are no exception.
What won't we do for the game? We lie, all the time, to everyone. About the most important of things too, it is one of the most vital parts of the game. We lie so often I doubt I can remember how to speak the truth. We cheat, if there are rules, we break them. There is no hesitation, no guilt, nothing. It is an automatic thing. Whatever it takes to win, right? We manipulate others and ourselves. Scheming is a pastime for me now, more than it ever was before I met you. We steal whatever we need, seduce if we have to, and I wonder if there is any sin that I have not yet fulfilled. I will destroy relationships and betray someone's trust without a hint of remorse. We kidnap, burn, claw, drown, throw, lie, manipulate, lure, trample, punch, kick, bite, and abandon. I would kill for this game without a second thought. Nothing is beneath me now, and nor is anything to you. Nothing is sacred, nothing is past mutilation. What is so special to kill for, to die for? What are we really playing for, and how is it more important than everything else? Money, power, glory, fame, what is so amazing? And why does it seem to turn on me, I who have given so much for the game?
We are so ruthless; do we feel any compassion at all? I do not deny that I enjoy their pain, I relish in their misery. Do you feel the same? I love it beyond measure when you lose, when you hurt. It is not because I have hurt, and now I want you to feel the same, it is because all should obey me, submit to my rule. You do not, and you must dip your head and acknowledge that I am far better than you. I must make that happen, so that I can be sure you know who is the superior. The pain and the suffering just make it less finite, more lasting and enjoyable. I want to be worshipped, praised as something divine. Do you not feel the same? You are the only one that causes me any hesitation in my narcissism, the only one who puts that poison into my mind. You make me question myself, and my right to call myself most supreme. Though I will be, without any question, when I bet you.
It will be less fun when you are gone; you are the only real competition. I feel tormented around you, but there is something I love about the fear of possible defeat. It must be the adrenaline. The more risk there is then also the greater possible reward. And I will bask in the euphoria that will come after I eliminate you from this world. I will win, and régime forever, for there is no greater threat than you. After you are gone what worry is there? If I can defeat you than I could contain anything. Of this I am sure, because I am sure that you are the greatest thing next to me. If I were to cease to exist, than you would be the preeminence of this world.
To work with you, instead of against you, that is a thought I have had before, and a dangerous one. For I cannot express, I cannot describe how much I would love that. Though I do not know why, don't ask me why. I do not want to know. The major problem that comes to mind is that one of us would always have to back down, and I will not do that. I am better, there is no need to. But you are under the illusion that I should be the one to surrender my voice. This is why we cannot work together, not as the way things are. We can only fight each other; there is no outside force to go up against.
Unless… if somehow there was a power greater than mine or yours alone, then we could work together to save ourselves. It would be only temporary, and only as long as there was a true threat. If there was someone else, something else to work against that would take the both of us to destroy, only then could I work with you. We would be unstoppable if it ever came to that. We would be able to crush any opposition or competition. Still, how could we agree on who was the truly in charge? We would have to agree on everything, simultaneously come up with the best plan. It is not so farfetched of an idea, we are very similar to each other, like two sides of the same coin. Still, how could I convince you to agree with me? And how would we split the prize? For surely one of us would try to take it all, or at least claim an unfair portion of the rewards.
But we are gods, you and I, compared to the others. We are superior in every way. We could both rule, but neither of us would tolerate the other for long. We are the ones who want all the pieces that there are and more, even one less would drive us to the edge and throw us into the depths of insanity. We could rule over them and live in luxury until the end of time, but I could not stand to share anything with anyone, not even you. You are not more worthy than I for the role as a god. I should have the privileges and power, not you. You are not deserving of it, you are not good enough. I am. You're the next best thing, but still not close enough.
You're the arrogant, self-conceded one, the one who is going to be struck blind in the end. I am the one with their head in this game; I am the one who is going to win. You just fake it, you just pretend you want it as badly as I do, but you don't care as much. You haven't been working towards it as long as I have. You use the others more efficiently than I ever could, thats all. No, I could use them if I wanted to, I choose not to because I don't need to. Got it? I don't need to trick the others to win; I can win on my own. It is you who needs to coast, I don't. I can get to the top on my own; I don't need to rely on anybody. You are not my equal, you just use people to get where you are, and I can get there by myself.
But when I stop and think, really think, doubt consumes my thoughts. Is winning really such a priceless thing? Is being better than everyone else really that important, even to me? How much pain do I need to go through to win? What do I have to do? Is there anything that I would feel bad about doing? Is there anything that would cause me to pause in my quest? Is there anything that isn't worth it? I have sacrificed everything just to be here, I can't throw that all away. But how much is that really worth? Will it not become pointless if I cannot win? But I could win, if only I take you out now.
If I do this thing, this thing that causes me to hesitate, what will happen next? This is the only life I know. But this, this is the only thing in the world that would make me question everything I thought I knew. I don't want to hurt you, somehow... Not when your this vulnerable, and expecting me to be as well. Not when I want to be down there with you, not when you're standing right next to me, being more honest and upfront then I can ever remember you being. I have never felt guilt before, but in the face of what I'm about to do, it's hard not to feel ashamed. I will destroy you, I will conquer my enemy, but I could not think of a curler way to do it. It will tear you down to nothing, and when I look at you I will be mortified that I ever thought of you as a threat or an equal. For you will not be anyone. You are absolutely nothing.
This will be the most underhanded thing I have ever done, and to the person I would least want to do it now. Especially now, after what you just told me, how vulnerable you just made yourself, it seems too easy. It seems like I should not have to resort to this, but I do. This will be my only opportunity, and I know that. It's just hard to face what I'm about to do. And you are the only one I would not want to hurt, at least not like this, when you are not fighting me. As you lay down your weapons and hold out your hand to me, I just cannot take it. I have to act like I'm going to so I can get close enough to stab you. I want to take your hand, but I want to win even more. And so I will attack you now, even though I will hate every second it will take to tear us down. And I hate myself to have to pretend to you that we have a future together, even if it was only for a moment. I know it was the happiest of your life, and now I get to manipulate the strongest player by letting him run away with his fantasy. I hate having to pretend as much as I hate betraying you, it's worse than lying. So much worse, it's the most evil thing I can imagine anyone doing. You have to be close to someone to really hurt them, and right now you trust me, and I will have to betray that trust. You are the first person to trust me as far as I can remember, and it's hard to let this go. It's as much a new experience to me as it is to you. And I hate being the one that has to kill it.
This is a prequel to Distraction, even though it's longer, once again in Mawile's Pov. I wanted to explore how she felt before, and well... got carried away. Sorry I posted it afterwards, but I think it's understandable no matter which order you read in. Now you should go read Chagrin, it will be a lot easier to understand if you've just read this.