Kate Beckett sat at her desk, staring down the chair next to it, almost wishing that if she stared hard enough he would magically appear. Ryan and Esposito kept throwing worried glances at her and she was pretty sure that Montgomery had wandered out from his office once or twice but she took no notice of it. All she wanted was for her writer monkey, the infamous Richard Castle, to reappear and tell her that it was all going to be alright.
Kate wasn't going to lie and tell everyone that she was fine, when it was clear that she wasn't. No, she was going indulge herself and wallow in her misery for once in her life. She was feeling a deep pang of regret in her heart for the words she had spewed at him almost 3 weeks ago when he had gotten to her again.
He kept poking and prodding at places that he didn't belong, but Kate had never once tried to stop him. It was almost like she presented herself as a challenge to him, and Richard Castle never turned down a good challenge. But his latest attempt to peel back another layer of the Beckett Onion had failed and she had gone off on him. She could remember everything she said to him, almost word for freaking word, and it killed her.
"Why do you keep doing that!" Kate Beckett was beyond infuriated, why could this damned idiot ever just stop for five minutes and realize that he didn't need to dig through every inch of her battered heart. Lanie did enough of that during your average week and she sure as hell didn't need Castle doing it too.
"Do what? Try to figure out what has got you so messed up this week?" Beckett was seething, didn't he get it? She didn't need him worming her way into her head and she was going to let him know that.
"Yes! Why don't you just back off into some far off corner and write your damn book! Leave me alone! I don't need you trying to 'fix' me!" Castle took a step back, looking shocked and angry at the same time and Beckett got this horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Castle…I didn't…" He held his hands up, stopping her from speaking.
"No, I get it. Sorry for caring. I'll show myself out." He spun on his heel and walked out of the precinct, not sparing a look back at the stunned detective. Once he disappeared out of her sight, she felt her eyes shut themselves and she began the battle to stop herself from crying. She never meant for those words to come out, but they had, and now she was regretting them with everything she had.
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
Richard Castle groaned as he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his face in exasperation. He had been trying to work on the latest Nikki Heat for the past 3 weeks, but he was getting nowhere. The image of Kate Beckett's face after she had yelled at his was ingrained into his mind and he couldn't get it to go away no matter how hard he tried.
She looked so remorseful and sad, but Castle had just stormed out of there without a second look. He had been furious with her at the time but over the three weeks of their separation, the fury had subsided and turned into a lingering sadness. He missed the detective like mad, but he would never be the first to own up to it. He had his pride and it would never let him apologize first.
For the first few days after the fight, Beckett kept calling him. He always let it go to voicemail, but she only left one voicemail the entire time. It was an apology if one wanted to consider it and it almost had Castle running down to the precinct to check on her, cause she sounded so sad and upset, two things that Kate Beckett should never be. But then his pride kicked in and the whole thought went to shambles.
"Hey Rick, it's Kate. I just…I'm sorry. I never meant to say that to you. I just got so upset and angry and you were there. I'm so very sorry. You don't have to avoid the precinct if you don't want to. The guys miss you and it's not the same without you here. So, if you want to come back, I won't stop you. And to be deadly honest, I miss you too. I miss you more than I should. I guess…I guess I'll talk to you later then. Bye Rick." Castle pulled the phone away from his ear and gaped at it. Did Kate Beckett just own up to missing him? He would have never though it possible. And her voice, it was killing him. He wanted to jump out of his chair, fly down to the precinct, and hug her until she sounded less sad. And he almost did it, until his pride kicked in. He didn't want to be seen as going back to his master with his tale in-between his legs. Quickly saving the message, Castle hung up and placed his phone back on his desk. But even so, he still couldn't shake off the feeling that this was all going to go downhill very fast.
And that's where he was again today. Staring at his phone every five minutes because he had this feeling in his gut that something was going to horribly wrong today. He couldn't exactly say what, but he just knew that today was not going to be the best day in the world. Then his phone rang. He snatched it up off of his desk and saw that it was Esposito calling. He answered with trepidation running though his veins.
"Castle here, whatcha need?" He heard Esposito swallowing heavily before answering in a voice that bespoke of fear and worry.
"It's Beckett. She got shot today trying to apprehend someone. They just took her back to surgery but the doctors aren't hopeful." The tears that Castle could imagine coming down Esposito's face were running thick in his voice "Dude, you need to get down here. We can't hold it together by ourselves." Castle was up and halfway to his car by the time he told Esposito, "I'm on my way, tell her to hang on for a little longer."
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong
I know that I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
She was hearing all sorts of voices. She remembered a bang, then a thump, and then nothing, cause her world was going black. She was trying to take down a suspect one moment, then the next she heard people yelling over her. Giving up on trying to understand what was going on above her; she closed her eyes and felt herself go to the happy place in her head. It was a meadow filled with fresh wildflowers. She was always dressed in a beautiful sundress and there were no such things as murders and convicts here. It was simply put, heaven.
But today, there was a new addition. It was tall, wearing a dark button-up shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans, and most definitely male. The person turned around and Kate's jaw dropped when she realized who it was.
"Castle?" She had never seen him here before and it worried her to have him now. He smiled softly at her before walking up to her and pulling her into a tight hug. "Rick?" Kate was getting scared, Castle had never hugged her like this before and he had no reason to start now. He released her from the hug but kept his hands on her shoulders, rooting her to her spot.
"Hey Kate, so, is this where you come to hide when the world becomes too much? Cause if so, I'll be making some serious plans to come back." Kate failed at resisting the smile that came to lips effortlessly. Rick smiled back at her before talking again. "But seriously Kate, we need to talk." Kate's smile fell, what was so important that it couldn't wait until later? "You can't stay here; we need you in the real world." She was confused, what was he talking about? This was her real world.
"Castle, as much as I would love to frolic in the fields with you, care to explain what you're talking about?" Castle sighed and shook his head, obviously expecting this.
"Kate, you're in a dream. You need to wake up." This was all just a dream? It didn't make sense to her. It all felt so real. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she almost missed what Castle was saying. "You're dying Kate. You got shot and you're dying. You can't do that to me. I still need you. Not just as my muse and my friend, but as my forever. Goddammit Kate, you can't just die on me. I love you and I need you. Please, please come back to the real world so that I can actually tell you this, cause it sounds kind of cheesy in this dream." Kate smiled at him, only Castle would be able to act like this.
"Are you that much more eloquent in the real world? Cause I've never seen it." Castle laughed his full, deep laugh and it made Kate feel warm inside, knowing that she was one of the few people who could get him to laugh like that.
"I actually am, not that you pay any attention to me, but that's still not that point. The point is that I need you to wake up. I need you to join me back on the other side, cause I'm not ready to give you up just yet. I've spent a lifetime looking for you and I'm not letting go of you this soon. Sorry Kate, not happening today." She smiled again, more to herself this time than anything.
"Ok, I'll do it. But you better remember to say this stuff when I do wake up, or I'll be forced to hurt you." Rick smiled as leaned in and whispered in her ear, "My safe word still is and always will be 'apples'." Kate grinned before Rick faded away and she felt herself being pulled away from her dream and back into the real world. She heard voices a few feet away and felt herself straining to listen.
"We did all we could, but she lost a lot of blood. We're sorry for your loss, but we can't do anything else at this point. Not unless God gives us a miracle." She heard someone start to sob and the sound of feet as someone rushed to comfort them. That was when she heard his voice.
"Do you guys hear that?" She heard a few quizzical 'hmm's' before she heard footsteps approach wherever she was and fling back the curtain around her. "Guys! She's got a heartbeat!" She heard more rushing footsteps, a few running right up to where she was, and voices all over the place. She spent a few minutes struggling with her body for a few moments before getting her eyes to open. The world in front of her was blurry for a few minutes, but it started to clear up and it focused on one person that was hovering above her, Rick Castle. "Kate?" His voice was heavy with fear and worry, but she couldn't figure out for the life of her why he sounded like that.
"What happened?" Esposito stepped forward to answer her question.
"You got shot by the suspect you were trying to take in. We thought we were going to lose you there for a while." Kate looked back up at Castle and she could see all of his emotions, and the emotions of the precinct, reflected in his eyes; sadness, hurt, fear, worry, anguish, it was all there but with the addition of one more that the precinct didn't have, well at least not in the same way as him, love. She could read from his eyes that he loved her and he had been truly afraid of losing her today.
"Kate…" Castle didn't know where to begin. He wanted to spew out all this stuff how he had been so afraid that she was dead, that he was never going to get to tell her that he loved her, and that they would never get the chance to make their forever. But, in one moment, that all flew out of his head as he leaned down, pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, and whispered "I'm sorry" to her. She took his hand in hers, entwining their fingers together before leaning into him and responding to him.
"I'm sorry too. I've regretted those words since I said them." Rick said nothing, instead he opted to press another kiss to her forehead and pull her a little closer. And in that moment he knew. He needed no big declarations of love and devotion to show to her that he loved her. No, Kate Beckett was not that kind of woman and that was what probably made them so perfect for one another. And one way or another, they would get through this, Rick was sure of it. But for now, he was content to sit here and count himself lucky that she hadn't been taken from him today.
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my, just myself
Just myself, myself, just myself
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
[A/N: Hopeless Romantic Author is Hopeless. So, this is my first SOLO foray into the world of Castle fanfiction, and I kinda like it. Be warned that this is the result of an hour of sleep, a can of Dr. Pepper, the song "Perfect" on repeat, and the world's longest Amtrak ride. So I apologize for the sheer amount of cheesiness in this thing...
You guys know the routine by now, read and review, it'll make this review hungry author very happy!
Also, if you've read "Castle Facebook" just know that I'm in the process of writing the next chapter, but me and my co-author, Bagel-chan, are on break for the holidays, so it'll be a few days while we email each other back and forth, working the kinks out of the chapter. The joys of living so far away from each other!
I don't own Castle or the song "Perfect" by Hedley, but if I owned the former, I would still write fanfiction about them cause it would be HILARIOUS!]