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Chapter. 1

I am finally out on my own. I have graduated high school, and now finally college, haven't gotten into any major trouble, and typically make my dad happy. It's been hard being raised by a single man my whole life, probably why I never did seem to fit in with most of the other kids I went to school high school with. It's all for the best I guess, I know I'm not typically 'normal' by social conventions, or whatever that means, and I'm okay with that. Honestly I've taken care of myself most of my life, and I try to keep my own company. If it wasn't for my neighbor, I probably would have died though. I'm a smart person, I can pretty much solve any kind of math problem, but remembering to eat? Yeah, that's not really up my ally.

Mrs. Winchester knew exactly what I needed, food mostly, but company too. Sometimes when dad needed to go on a conference meeting out of town, I would sleep over at their house. Now to me, this was just absolute torture, but it soon became bearable, and eventually enjoyable. I had always been slightly jealous of the Winchester family, they had both parents that seemed to care, a nice house, people were always coming over to visit, a normal family.

Sometimes when I got home from school I would see Mr. Winchester outside playing basketball with Dean and Sam and Mrs. Winchester tending to her garden, normal family stuff, and deep down I would secretly burn. Maybe that life just isn't in the cards for me, then the angel that is Mrs. Winchester noticed what was going on. Dad wasn't a bad father just…busy. She knew how to approach the subject and not make it sound like he was being neglectful to me. I of course rejected, I could take care of myself, but who was I but a child. Someone who doesn't know what's going on and needs to be taken care of constantly.

I knew who Dean and Sam were, of course I did, not only were we neighbors but we went to the same school, and our town wasn't very big, so of course the school system wasn't very big, so during my, forced, sleepover I was a nervous wreck. It was obvious they had been told to be nice to me and the conversation during dinner seemed very forced and awkward. It was just very uncomfortable, I didn't help with my one word answers either, and by desert I pretty much just wanted to get out of the room and escape somewhere I could be alone, then I would be able to relax and just rest.

Once left alone I did feel better, I cracked open a book I had brought with me, and fell into the lives of someone else's problems, my own just melting away, then I could feel a presence in the room. Looking up I saw Dean standing in the doorway with a dish towel in his hands.

"I know you're the quiet type, as I noticed at dinner tonight when our cat talked more then you," Dean said as I slightly hung my head in shame, "But Sam and I take turns doing the dishes, and I have plans with friends tonight, so…your up." Thankfully I had looked up right about the time he tossed the towel to me, and by the grace of God, I actually caught it before it fell to the floor. I could hear him in the next room over, I assumed it was his room and hear things being tossed lightly to the ground.

That was the first memory of Dean actually talking to me. Now years later, I don't think back at this memory and it be instant love, honestly I thought it was flat out rude, but it did break the ice. As time went on, not only did I think of my dad being out of town as a bad thing and being forced to stay somewhere other than my own house, but it meant friendship and something that I could actually rely on.

During the start I was actually closer with Sam then Dean, he was only 2 years younger than me, and we shared some common interests, but Dean was, well Dean. He was the most popular guy at school, star basketball student, always had the prettiest girlfriends, but was always close with Sam and eventually me too. It wasn't until high school that Dean and I actually became friends, real friends, not just some kid his kid brother played with. It was just happenstance when we actually started hanging out. Like he was my savoir.

Discovering that I was gay really hit me hard, I had always been taught that since I was a boy, I was supposed to like girls, and I had kept it to myself for years, not even telling Sam who was my best friend during that time, then I came out and the bullying increased big time. Sam and I had always been picked on because we were kind of weird, and Dean would typically step in and stop them from bullying Sam, and of course since I was always with him, me too, but after I came out, people were really into pushing the gay kid around, and when Dean stepped in, it stopped for good. At first I thought he was just hanging around with me because he wanted to keep a watchful eye on me, but after a time, it was just friendship, and that was that.

"Thanks again for helping me move all this." I said as I slowly sank into the couch with a beer in my hand. We had pushed it off to the side to make room for walking in and out of the apartment and there were boxes everywhere.

"That's what friends are for," Dean said in between drinks a shadow passing across his face, "Not like I had any other plans, that's done now." His voice cracked slightly.

Deep down my very soul cried out for the man who was sitting on the other side of the couch. For the last two years of my college experience I had really fallen for my best friend. So cliché it's embarrassing. He is, well had been, in a serious relationship with a girl named Lisa. I actually liked her, they got along great, and he was happy, so I was happy, but things turned sour when she cheated on him. They really did try to make it work after Dean found out, but he couldn't get over it in the end, and he ended it.

"You know if you ever need to talk, I'm "

"Don't even go there Cas." Dean said holding up his empty hand to stop me short, I shrugged, we had been friends for years now, but sharing typically always came from me, and rarely from him, although from time to time his 'touchy, feely' side came out, as he called it.

"So what's the plan now, gonna have me put all your furniture together since you're such a pansy you can't do it yourself? If that's what you're planning, and I know it is, then you better order a pizza. And pie, don't forget the pie."

In all honesty I didn't really need his help putting it together, I can read instructions, but he always did that type of stuff so much faster, and without the need of instructions. Things like that just came easy to Dean, but I liked having him around helping me out. What he really needed was to get out, forget his problems and help him move on from Lisa. Even though I was completely in love with him, I had realized my love would always be on sided. As much as I wanted him to love my back, I knew it wasn't going to ever be returned, but he was still part of my life, and for now that would just have to work. He may not have been mine in the sense I wanted, but he was still in my life for now.

"Okay here's the deal we work fast, put up the entertainment system and my bed, then we go out and celebrate, I will buy the first round, yes I will buy pie, and have a night out." I said this a little firmly as Dean was already shaking his head at the thought of going out.

With a sigh, he rolled his eyes, set his beer down and got up. "Fine, but it's gonna be 2 rounds." And he set off to my bedroom to assemble my bed and I made my way into the kitchen to unload the boxes in there.

"Why can't you just put your mattress on the ground like a normal single man?" Dean shouted at me down the hall, I could already hear him putting things together.

"Because I'm not a drug dealer, and I do want to eventually have company in my bed and not go screaming out of the room since they're lying on the ground." My smartass comments came out before I could stop it, not like I really would stop it though, I've found I could always be myself around him.

"Ha! Face it Cas, deep down you just want pretty things, just admit it, in any relationship you are always the girl, and the girl needs a nice bed, with ruffle pillows, and lace or whatever to make it look pretty."

"You never know, I might get lucky and need it tonight Dean." I shouted back with color rising in my cheeks. I finished putting up my plates, pots and pans. It didn't take long to put up my few belongings in the kitchen, then Dean was setting up the entertainment center, and I tried to help but he can be very demanding when working on things, he likes it done his way, so I ended up sitting to the side handing him whatever he asked for, like I was a kid in the kitchen asking my parents what I could do to help with dinner, but really being too young to offer any real type of help.

Ever since I came out, Dean has been very comfortable with bringing it out in the open, and not letting me hide who I truly was. Most of the time it was just us hanging out, sometimes with Sam too, but when we were around people I wasn't very familiar with it would get uncomfortable and Dean seemed to think he was helping more than hurting. The problem was, he would shove me into the limelight, but hide himself. Maybe he though if he was talking about me, or others were engaged with me, then he could just bury himself behind the wall of loathing he has for himself. Not that I completely agree with it, but I get it, I knew how it felt to be cheated on, it wasn't a good feeling.

One thing I do know for sure is that Dean has no idea how deeply my love runs for him, to him were just friends, family even. That's one of the reasons I've never been able to tell him that I love him, he just thinks of me as another brother. Is there any way of jumping that gap? People talk about the friendzone, but I think the brozone is worse.

Sometimes I'm really surprised he hasn't figured it out, I don't think I've done anything big to show him how I feel, but it's the little subtle things I do and curse myself later for, because I'm so sure he's going to figure it out and be disgusted that I love him like that. It's things like always keeping his favorite radio station on in my car, and how there's always some of his clothes mixed in with mine for when he's had a few too many and was just closer to my place than his, and didn't want to go home. Dean is oblivious to the small things I've always done for him, even before becoming friends, and it all seemed to start with me putting my book down and covering for Dean with the dishes while he went out with friends.

I am going to die without knowing what his hair feels like in my fingers, or the feel of his lips on mine, but at least I won't die alone, he'll still be there, just out of reach.