DISCLAIMER- I don't own it and I never will, unfortunately. It belongs to the great man that is, Akira Toriyama., and licensed by Toei Animation and Funimation.
The Full Monty
Chapter One
"YOU'RE FIRED!" A small blonde man hissed, as the door was slammed in the faces of two wild haired men.
They were confused at the situation, and how on earth they had just got fired. It couldn't have been because they told the man to go screw himself? That was in no way offensive to the two men, but it might have been to their boss.
They walked away, hands in their pockets, partially disappointed in themselves. After a few kilometres, they reached a pub (bar) and entered. They found some of their friends sitting knocking back pints of ale or sipping on glasses of whiskey. The group noticed the two and burst out laughing.
"Yet another job down the pan for Goku and Vegeta!" A small bald man sniggered, holding up his pint to the men. "What did you guys do this time?"
"We told the man to go fuck himself. I'm not cleaning up some brats vomit." The flame haired man hissed, ordering a beer at the counter. "Kakarot decided to do it instead, but ended up causing more of a mess, throwing the bucket of water over the disgusting child."
"The boss said we were irresponsible, immature and completely stupid. He also said we should grow some balls and act like men if we ever want to earn some money in this deadbeat world." The man named Kakarot answered, scratching the back of his head. "He fired us, so it means we have to join you guys at the job centre again, tomorrow."
"Ah well, just don't tell Chi-Chi, Goku," An aging man laughed, watching the duo remove their old work overalls, which were navy with an orange star on the right upper arm. The back was emblazoned with the words, 'Orange Star Primary School Janitor'.
"I don't plan to Roshi! You know what she's like every time I lose a job. She goes ballistic at me," Goku replied, sitting down opposite the man with a pint of ale in his hand. "I just find it hard to keep a job. I get bored very easily."
"How I lasted three days in that job without killing a child, I will never know." Vegeta said, sitting on one of the stools at the counter. "All those brats did was squeal and kick us."
"Except Trunks and Goten!" Goku corrected the man, beginning to drink. "I hope Goten doesn't tell her, or I'm staying at Vegeta's again."
"No you're not! You can sleep in bloody hell, for all I care! The last time you came, you projectile vomited all over my living room floor!" Vegeta raged, pointing at the man angrily. "You can sleep in the park!"
"I only puked because you made sandwiches with mouldy bread that was a week out of date. Don't blame me because you can't read food labels." Goku retaliated, frowning.
"Hey! Did you guys hear about the strippers coming to General Blues Bar, down on Penguin Street?" Krillin spoke excitedly, grabbing every male's attention at the mention of strippers and averting the conversation away from vomiting and spoiled food. "Next week, I think they're coming?"
"Kami, it'll be nice to see some eye candy for once, considering the women in this dump." Vegeta hissed, as Goku chuckled.
"You guys do know the strippers are male, don't you?" A blonde curly haired woman piped up from behind the bar. She stood rubbing the inside of a glass, whilst chewing on the end of a toothpick.
"Are you tryin' to say these strippers are male Launch? I thought stripping was only a job for women, like cooking?" Goku said, as Launch threw an empty can at the (unknowingly) insulting man.
"Yes, men can strip too. Men can't have all the fun, all the time!" Launch smirked, turning around and serving a customer.
"Here was me with my evening planned, and now ruined because of a stupid woman, as usual." Vegeta grumbled, pushing his empty glass out of the way. "Hey woman, another!"
"Ah well, as Launch says, we can't have all the fun all the time!" Goku smiled, shoving his glass in the direction of Launch, as though to tell her to refill. "Chi-Chi deserves to see a man with a decent job for once after being with me for nearly twenty years."
"Kami, Goku's tolerant, isn't he? Letting his wife go off and watch a man parade a bigger wang than his in front of her." A small fat bushy haired man breathed from the bar. Goku immediately spat out the liquid that was in his mouth, which ended up directly in Roshi's face.
"What you talkin' about Yajirobie?" Goku questioned, wiping the dribble of alcohol that slithered down his chin.
"Ooh, Kakarot feels challenged. Are we hiding something?" Vegeta queried, amused at the situation. If there was one thing Goku hated, it was being teased. Vegeta had a tendency to do it every day, just to get some sort of Saiyain reaction out of him. One of the worst spots for teasing a Saiyain was his performance as a man.
"I'm quite adequate, thank you very much!" Goku snapped, folding his arms along his chest and beginning to pout.
"Well, I wouldn't blame that Blue for having male strippers at his bar. I mean, he is not in the direction which we men go." Krillin pointed out, as every man grunted in response. "It will probably be poorly attended, compared to female stripper shows." Every man grunted yet again.
"Are you kidding me? That show totally sold out in three hours. We girls aren't missing a chance like this!" Launch jeered, resting her hands on her hips and looking at her usual customers haughtily.
"Are you saying, you women would pay to see men take their clothes off on stage every now and then?" Vegeta asked, quite disgusted.
"Yup! We ladies never get a little treat around here. It's always the men who get them!" Launch rolled her eyes, and began to wipe the counter with a cloth.
"That's because we do the most work, woman!" Vegeta snarled, taking a gulp of his beer.
"I hate you guys! You're a bunch of sexist pigs!" Launch moaned, as she heard some of the crowd of men laugh. "Well, it's true. You guy's never do anything for us women. For example," Launch pointed at Goku. "You never lift a finger round the house and help Chi-Chi."
"But Chi likes to do the housework." Goku whined, pouting at the ranting woman.
"Krillin and Roshi, you guys think women are just to look at."
"You can't blame a couple of guys who have lazy eyes?" Krillin defended, as Roshi nodded in agreement.
"And Vegeta is a man whore since Bulma dumped him four years ago."
"They love it!" Vegeta smirked smugly.
"And you all have excuses!" Launch squawked, walking into the back of the bar, out of sight.
"Let's go see what these guys think they have, that we don't." Goku said, rising from his chair, followed by the rest of the group, except Roshi and Yajirobie who stayed at the bar.
They had a ten minute walk to General Blue's bar, which was on the more fashionable side of town. It housed the women's shops containing, cosmetics, clothes, and hairdressing and beautician services. The men seemed a little uncomfortable as they walked through the street towards their destination, a few women looking oddly at the group.
"What's wrong with us walking through this street? It's not like we have shit on our face. It's a bloody free country!" Vegeta complained, as the men continued on their walk.
The group stopped before a poster of, handsome, gleaming smiles and baby oiled muscled men. The men narrowed their eyes as they looked at the men standing in police outfits, showing their well toned stomachs.
"I really don't see the appeal?" Krillin commented, looking at the poster and sneering.
"Police officers are over rated. The ones I know are donut guzzling fatso's!" Goku hummed, rolling his eyes. "Plus Chi likes firemen!"
"Didn't need to know that Kakarot." Vegeta spoke disgusted, tearing the poster from the wall and shoving it in the dustbin below it. "Just were that kind of crap should be."
"No use anyway, all the women have their tickets," Goku said, shrugging his shoulders. "Why they would wanna see a bunch of pansies is beyond me. It's clear they're not straight."
"We could do a better job than that bunch!" Vegeta grumbled, walking down the footpath, followed by Goku. Krillin had to run off and get ready for a job interview. "I'm far more superior than those pansies."
"Would be good money," Goku replied, scratching his chin in thought. "Roshi said they earn up to a grand a night. That's a lot of hot dogs." A slither of drool began running down his chin at the mention of hot dogs. "But I wouldn't do it."
"Why? You're a past fighter. You're fit and toned." Vegeta said, as Goku blushed lightly.
"That was in my younger days. I've put on a little baby weight since then Vegeta," Goku began to pat his stomach, as Vegeta rolled his eyes. "I don't wanna be a guy in my thirties with a tan and flaunting his muscles, that's kinda obscene if you ask me?"
"So, I'm obscene then Kakarot?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow to the taller man.
"No, you're Vegeta."
"Hmm, but still, we could make some money outta this kind of thing. Launch said women would pay to see men take off their clothes."
"I think they would come to laugh at us, more like!" Goku groaned, turning a corner into the local park, which was littered with rubbish and housed a rusted and broken children's playground. The men then headed back in the direction their old workplace, Orange Star Primary School, to pick up their young sons Trunks and Goten.
"I wonder if Bulma and your harpy are going to that thing," Vegeta said, leaning against the pillar of the school. Goku sat on the ground beside him and looked up at the sky. "Imagine if your wife left you for one of the strippers!"
"Shut your face Vegeta! I don't even wanna think about something like that," Goku breathed, as his brow furrowed nervously at the concept. "I don't even think Chi would like a thing like that."
"I didn't think that the woman liked good boys, and now look at her with that stupid Spamcha."
"No offence Vegeta, but I wouldn't blame her." At these words, Goku was punched hard on the head and the bell rung inside the school signalling the end of the day for the children and a perfect cover up for Goku's swearing. "Ow, the kids are coming."
A herd of children began to emerge from the wide oak double doors, either excited to see their parents or trying to avoid being seen with them altogether. A lavender haired boy and a smiling child came running towards the two men. One of the children was identical to Goku in every way, from his hair to his grin. The other child held the same scowl to Vegeta and stood with the same hands in pocket pose as his father.
"Hey Goten, don't tell your mother I lost my job. I won't be in the house for a week if she finds out." Goku told, as Goten looked up at his father and nodded obediently. The child watched the whole scene where his father threw a bucket of water over one of his classmates, and found it extremely funny, although disappointing that his father had then lost his job.
"Trunks, tell Kakarot's wife he lost his job." Vegeta ordered Trunks, out of earshot of Goku, who was busy listening to Goten talking about his day.
"Yes Dad!" Trunks obeyed, waiting on the two males who lagged behind.
A Few Hours Later
"Goku? Is what Trunks just said true?" A small ebony haired woman questioned sternly, as her husband began to sweat nervously. It was dinner time in the Son household, and Goku sat down with his family, along with Vegeta and Trunks who invited themselves. The man in question remained silent, as he glared mercilessly at Trunks. "Goku, answer me!"
"Why would you believe Trunks over me? I am your husband and he is only an eight year old." Goku replied, shoving a spoonful of food in his mouth.
"Goku, I trust Trunks more than you. You're a scheming lazy bum, who lies to me nearly every single day. Trunks is far more of an adult than you'll ever be!" Chi-Chi said firmly, looking at her husband from the corner of her eye. "Now, did you get fired today?"
"Yes dear!" Goku answered finally, looking at the ground, like a little boy who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "It was Vegeta's fault. If he just did what the man asked him to do, then I wouldn't have been asked to clean it up."
"Don't bring me into this. This is your lover's spat," Vegeta hissed, pointing his fork at the moaning man. "If it's anyone's fault, it's that child's. He shouldn't have thrown up in the first place."
"Oh, you're both as bad as each other. You're just a couple of children in men's bodies," Chi-Chi snipped, clearing the table of empty plates and trays. "You two need to learn to grow up. You're both bad influences on our children, except Gohan."
"Any more insults harpy? I would just love some more!" Vegeta said sarcastically.
"Yes!" Chi-Chi uttered. "Get out of my house!"
"With pleasure!" Vegeta said, rising from his chair, followed closely by Trunks. He walked towards the back door, and made his way out. "See ya tomorrow Kakarot."
"Right" Goku smiled, waving to his friend with the back of his hand as he continued to eat.
"You better make some money within the next month Goku, or I swear you are never getting back in this house." Chi-Chi hissed, beginning to wash the dishes in the sink. "It's an ultimatum- no money, no home. Ever."
Goku turned to his kids and smiled nervously. Gohan, a tall seventeen year old with dark black spiky hair, sat reading a book whilst Goten continued to eat his food.
"Gohan, can you take Goten and his dinner upstairs while your mother and I talk?"
"No problem Dad!" Gohan replied, lifting Goten with one arm, and holding his dinner in his other free hand.
Once the two boys left the room, Goku turned and frowned at his wife, who was busying herself with the dishes. He could tell the small woman was angry, as her body stood stiff, and her hands were scrubbing the dishes harder than usual. This was a level three Chi-Chi tantrum, the highest of the levels.
"Please don't talk like that in front of the boys Chi?"
"Why? Is it so much worse than telling them you have no job and no money? I think it was pretty harmless if you ask me?"
"You will upset them, especially Goten."
"No it won't, because we've been near the edge of splitting more than a few times Goku. Why? No money and no job courtesy of Goku Son!" Chi-Chi yapped, slapping the drying cloth on the table hard, creating a smacking sound. Her face soon softened. "Goku, I know you miss your fighting and training, but as you know you can't do it anymore. You're too old to get a teaching certificate, and plus you're too dumb to get it. This is why I need you to go out and get a proper job to support your family."
"I know!" Goku sighed, looking at the ground, disenchanted.
"We've been through this thousand of times and it never seems to get through. This is why I'm giving you this ultimatum. I love you Goku, but I can't live like this anymore." Chi-Chi cried, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Goku came to his wife's aid and wrapped his arms around her tight. He rubbed her back softly as she cried into the tall mans shoulder, her sniffing muffled in his shirt. He brought her out and looked at her, the tears still cascading down her face. He wiped them away with his thumb, whilst he smiled lightly at her.
"You look so much prettier when you're smiling Chi!" He commented, as Chi-Chi laughed slightly, looking away from her husband. "But if having me miserable in a job I hate will make you smile and your eyes sparkle again, then so be it."
"I don't want you to be miserable!"
"But if it makes you smile, then I want to be miserable. At least I can come home to cuddle you to make it all better, hmm? Will you cuddle me?" Goku grinned, as Chi-Chi fell into his chest and began to giggle. "Is that a yes?"
"Yes! But you will still get kicked out if you don't make any money in a month," Chi-Chi noted, pointing her finger into Goku's chest
"Deal!"
The Next Day
"Bloody HFIL!" Vegeta cursed, slamming the morning paper closed. He then picked it up and tore it in half, hopeful that the action would disintegrate the image that was blaring in his mind. He threw the pieces of torn paper over the table where he sat. "I don't want to see that image again."
"Hey! I just bought that!" Goku moaned, looking at the shreds of paper on the ground. "That thing you just ripped up costs money, y'know Vegeta?" The man slouched into his chair and put his hands behind his head, as though he was lying down. "What scared ya?"
"Men in Speedos... on page three. That's the naked ladies page, Kakarot," Vegeta winced, rubbing his temples, hoping that the action worked better than tearing up Goku's newspaper.
The pair sat in an unemployment office, which catered for the jobless. They searched the web and read newspapers for job vacancies, but the occupants just looked at the topless ladies in the newspapers and inappropriate images on the internet. So, no good was ever done.
"Do you mean the stripper guys Vegeta? Yeah, they're a nasty piece of work them," An aging man spat, as he typed at a computer behind the talking duo. "Damn them, taking away all those young women!"
"Shut up Roshi!" Vegeta ordered, as Goten, who sat beside Goku, looked at Roshi, confused.
"Dad? What's a stripper?" He questioned a puzzled look on his young features. "Is it a job?"
"It's a man or woman who takes off his or her clothes for people over the age of eighteen," Goku smiled proudly, clearly impressed at himself that he knew what a stripper was. He then began ruffling the youngster's hair affectionately.
"Oh, that must be what Mama and Auntie Bulma was talking about yesterday. They mentioned the word strippers when Bulma came over last night after you and Mama were talking, and how they were going to see some eye candy!" Goten spoke innocently, smiling widely at his father, who looked utterly dumbfounded.
"Ooh, Kakarot's got competition!" Vegeta cackled hysterically, hitting his fist hard on the table. Goku hid his head in his hands and whimpered slightly.
"Don't worry Goku; I hear they have tiny dicks!" A bald man yelled from the back of the room, the extra eye on his forehead roaming the room.
"They bloody better Tien!" Goku hissed, pointing at the man in question. "I can't help it if I have to come here every day just because I can't get a job. But I need to get one though by the end of the month."
"Why don't you go back to your fighting?" Vegeta questioned, stabbing his pen into the desk. "Couldn't you make money off of that?"
"Nah, Chi say I'm too old to fight and too dumb to teach. I'd have no luck going there." Goku sighed, laying his head on the desk. "What about you? You're not too dumb to teach?"
"I'd end up killing the students." Vegeta huffed, as Goku chuckled. "Then what are you going to do then? You've nearly had every job under the sun."
"Why not become a stripper Goku? You're a handsome guy," Krillin laughed, remembering about the upcoming strippers that were coming to town. "Plus it's something you've never been."
"I don't think Chi would be too pleased. Plus I've a seventeen year old and a youngster, so I think I'd only end up being laughed at," Goku grinned nervously. "Plus, I've put on a few pounds since I stopped training."
"Yeah, but if you think about it, we could make quite a few bob off this idea. Why would you want to see some bronzed male bimbos, when you can see some real men?" Roshi said, thinking about the idea.
"Roshi, if you're thinking of stripping, I think the whole female population would totally die out at the sight of your nudity," Goku chuckled, as Vegeta sniggered beside him. "I think we should leave it to the guys who know what they're doing."
"Don't put the idea totally down the pan Kakarot. If you want to make some money by the end of the month, then a little thing like this might do the trick." Vegeta furthered, as Goku looked at Vegeta in disbelief. "The economy is down the shit hole and jobs are scarce, giving you no chance of gaining any money by the end of the month or having a place to sleep."
"Can't I stay with you?"
"Shut up Kakarot, I'm talking," Vegeta snapped, shutting Goku up immediately. "So, having a little event like this might make us quite a few quid."
"Are you saying you wanna strip Vegeta?" Goku questioned a look of disbelief still on the man's face. "Why are you so up for it?"
"Yes, I want money and possibly some women," Vegeta answered, folding his arms along his chest. "Plus, the woman is threatening to keep the brat away from me. I need the money to pay her child support. If I don't, she's gonna ask the court for sole custody of the boy."
"Bummer. I guess we're both in hot water huh?" Goku muttered, as Vegeta nodded. "Well, I guess the idea might work. But if we're gonna do this, we need a know how to dance." Goku scratched his chin. "Who can teach us to dance?"
"We need a troupe first, before we can dance." Vegeta told. He turned around and slapped Krillin on his bald head. "Hey, Chrome Dome, wanna strip with me and Kakarot? You can meet a woman or whatever you want."
"There is nothing more attractive than a man who strips," Goku mockingly whispered sexily in Krillin's ear, causing the man to slap him away. "Come on, I'm doin' it and I have two kids who I'm gonna embarrass."
"I guess, but Goku man, you need a work out. You've gained a bit of a gut," Krillin agreed, pointing at Goku's somewhat protruding gut.
"Stop pointing out my bad parts!" Goku pouted, glaring at the man.
"Right, we have three. Who else?" Vegeta noted.
"Whoever has a meat and two veg, please come to me or Vegeta, if you want to be part of a strip show to make a quick buck. We have two places." Goku shouted to the whole room, but no one responded. "Come on, I'll have nowhere to go if we don't do this thing."
"Does this mean Daddy's gonna take his clothes off?" Goten questioned a bored looking Trunks, who seemed to be firing spit balls at the ceiling.
"I dunno?" The boy answered, continuing with his game of saliva and paper.
End of Chapter One
I hope you all like it. I really want to continue this, as I have good ideas for it. It will not be an exact copy of the movie only with DBZ characters. It will be my style; it will be similar as how I wrote Under the Skin. I am only using the concept of the unemployment and becoming strippers for them. It's quite a real concept for them if you look at it. Goku never has a job, Vegeta's too arrogant to work and the rest just sit around and look at rude magazines. Chapter two will be up soon, when the plan comes into full swing.
Thank you!
GokuBootz