A Captain's Regrets

By Alone Dreaming

Rating: PG-13 or T for language

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. If I did, this would not be posted under fan fiction.

Warnings: Language

Author's Note: I should be writing my thesis but I've found serious inspiration in this movie. This is merely a missing scene written to fill in a bit between the black hole and the return to Earth. I had something very different written in-- a scene between Spock and Kirk dealing while stuck in a turbolift which smoothed out a few of the wrinkles in their relationship-- but decided it did not work very well. Unfortunately, Spock did not make it in here.

All grammar/spelling/canon mistakes are my own. Please enjoy and feel free to give feedback.

He felt petulant in the most childish sense of the word as he rode the turbolift to the sickbay. The rolling in the pit of his stomach combined with the general whirring in his brain-- a combination of too many thoughts at once with a persistent headache-- added to this making him, he judged by the reflective interior of the ship, look quite sullen. A huff of frustration escaped him and the cadet sharing the 'lift with him flicked a set of frightened eyes at him and fled as soon as the doors opened. The darker side of him felt a glimmer of satisfaction at this reaction but overall, his attitude did not improve. In fact, with every step he took towards the sickbay, he felt more and more like a little kid who had done something naughty and was about to receive punishment. It did not make him regret his actions one bit because, like a kid, he had enjoyed every second he'd spent being Captain of this vessel.

And it was because of this that he sulked as he approached the sickbay and the now rescued Captain. Now that Pike was back, his Captaincy was at an end. Sure, he'd proved himself, perhaps enough to save his cadet career (he seriously doubted that the Academy had forgotten his little cheating stunt and his sneaking aboard a vessel stunt), he felt certain that they would not allow him to continue as a Captain. If he was lucky, they might allow him to stay on this ship in some menial position and he could scrub floors and lavatories while those he'd worked close with continued the glamorous and exciting jobs. Maybe, every now and again, he could be washing the floor of the bridge while they were there and be able to share a quick word with Chekov or joke with Sulu or flirt with Uhura or antagonize Spock. But in the end, he would be just a memory while they shared new adventures and he wiped stubborn spots off walls.

To sum up, James Tiberius Kirk felt completely and totally sorry for himself.

He stepped into the bay and allowed several nurses to pass him to slow his approach to Pike's bed. The Captain, he noted, looked much better than he had only an hour or two before but still not healthy. The pallor of his skin and the sweat dotting his temples gave the impression of a man in distress but the thin smile on his lips as he spoke with McCoy showed he had recovered some. Kirk was too far away to hear what the two of them were saying but McCoy almost seemed to smile as well. He stopped and watched them converse, wanting to use their meeting as an excuse to drop by another time. But Pike glanced over just as he began to inch towards the door and weakly motioned to him to come.

And so, Kirk thought as he strode over, trying to look confident and breezy, ended his time being Captain. It had been fun-- he'd had a few laughs, experienced power, made his Dad's spirit proud. Now, reality had to set it and it was time to face the facts. He'd broken the rules-- more so than he'd ever done before -- to the point that he deserved a dishonorable discharge. Hopefully, he could skimp by with some time on suspension.

"Jim," McCoy greeted and then frowned. "Have you seen anyone yet about that neck of yours?"

He did his best cheeky grin, "Nope, Bones, but I will soon as I have a breather. Doesn't even hurt really." Too bad his voice, cracking and rough, revealed something completely different. He'd barely noticed how much speaking bothered him until now but, ever since they'd escaped the black hole, he'd been moving like a whirlwind through repairs and living on the high of success.

McCoy gave him a patented 'like-I-buy-that-shit' look. "I'll see you after you talk to the Captain then," and before Jim could retort, "I'll be back to check up on you in an hour or so, Captain Pike."

"Thank you, Doctor McCoy," Pike said and McCoy gave Jim one more threatening look before departing. "So, Cadet Kirk-- or should I call you Captain, now?"

He winced a little. "I think you're the Captain, sir. I was just Acting Captain for a little bit until we could get you back."

"If I remember correctly, I appointed Commander Spock to that position and you to first mate," Pike commented, shifting a bit. His forehead wrinkled and he closed his eyes for a moment.

"Spock stepped down," Kirk inched forward a bit. "You need me to get Bones-- I mean Doctor McCoy, sir?"

"No, no-- I don't need another hypo from a damned leech," Pike muttered irritably. He took in a deep breath through his nose and focused back on Kirk. "When did you become so polite?"

When he realized his career was diminishing before his eyes-- a career that, once he tasted it, he wanted more than anything else in his life; once he'd seen what beautiful things the Enterprise could do for him; once he'd basked in the glory of sitting in the Captain's chair and the thrill of giving orders; once he'd ridden on the exhilaration of saving a planet, saving a crew and escaping from the very jaws of death; once he knew that this was all going to come to an end and that for once in his life, rebellion would not keep it for him. Somewhere in the trip down to see this man who had convinced him to join Starfleet in the first place, he'd discovered that his usual cocky attitude would give him nothing in this situation. He already was holding onto his place in Starfleet by one fingernail.

"I feel that I should be polite to a," Kirk paused, "commanding officer of a fine-"

"Cut the shit."

"Yes, sir."

Pike sighed and studied him for a moment. Then he shook his head slowly, as though trying to avoid jostling a painful injury. "I've heard some very interesting things about you, Kirk."

He tried not to change his expression. "Well, I'm a very interesting person, sir."

"I heard you tried to mutiny against Commander Spock after I left." Pike came directly to the point.

Pike had recruited him off the floor of a dirty bar, showing him more respect than he probably deserved. In turn, it only made sense that Pike deserved much, much more in return. "I wouldn't say that so much as expressed a difference of opinion with Commander Spock's decisions. If it makes you feel better, he tossed me off the ship afterwards. Did some sort of weird thing with his hand and knocked me out."

"I heard afterwards you came back and intentionally drove him to giving up the Captaincy," Pike continued.

"I felt that I had the better idea, sir, and I was told, by a source I can't name, that it was necessary for me to Captain the ship and that Commander Spock was emotionally impaired by the destruction of his home world and the death of his mother," Kirk explained. He could sense the build of anger in Pike's voice. "I was right, wasn't I?"

Pike gave him a look that said that it was not. "You were out of line."

"I saved the Enterprise and Earth. I think that's a job well-done."

"It was reckless, subversive and completely against standard rules of engagement," Pike snapped and his tone was harsh.

The cold feeling that he'd pushed off dropped heavily into his stomach and he barely suppressed a shiver. Pike had, since he'd first met him, always taken his rebellion in stride. He'd slapped his hand when necessary, given him a lecture for pushing the rules too far and even punished him when he'd really stepped over the line. Never had he seen Pike look so serious or angry and he realized that, despite the rescues and the triumph, Pike had every right to court martial him. In fact, Pike would be remiss not to do so.

"Well, Cadet," he winced, "do you have anything to say for yourself?"

But, all the same, if he was given a second chance, he would not change his mind. He would not do anything differently. Maybe, he wouldn't cheat so he wouldn't have to go through the agonizing process of anaphylactic shock and numerous hypos. But overall, he did not regret a single action of his own; he only wished that he could have saved the man he'd lost on Vulcan, the planet itself and rescued Pike sooner. With those thoughts in his mind, he met Pike's eyes.

"I regret for acting outside the rules," he began firmly, "but I believe that my actions not only saved multiple lives but was the most logical and safest course of action. I would, with my current knowledge, act as I had again," he almost stopped here but, as a postscript added, "sir."

Pike broke eye contact and leaned back against his pillows. His eyes closed and for a moment, Kirk thought he'd fallen asleep. He started to back up, uncertain if this meant he was dismissed. He knew that it meant that he'd been relieved from duty-- Pike had essentially just said it. So, what was there for him to do? He did not have the power to give orders nor did he have a regular position to fall into. There were no quarters for him to rest in. For the first time since he'd set foot on this beautiful and amazing ship, he felt lost.

He was turning away when Pike opened his eyes again and he didn't see it. Pike's voice had him spinning back to face the Captain immediately, the last bit of hope fluttering in him.

"Well, Kirk, I can't say I expected anything less from you," Pike muttered and Kirk was shocked to see amusement tainting his features, now. "Lucky for you, I've spoken with Commander Spock already and he agrees about that damn logical actions crap you just fed me. So, I won't lock you up."

Elation rose in him again and he thought he could fly. "Thank you, sir," he gasped.

"But," Pike added, "I am relieving you from your duty as Captain and ask you to see Doctor McCoy and get some rest. You look like hell, son."

He'd lost the Captaincy but the joy of not being tossed out or locked up left him feeling giddy with relief. This set him back on the course of his destiny. He could still become Captain of this vessel now; especially if both Pike and Spock-- and the latter surprised him more than he would ever admit-- put in good word for him. He smiled broadly at Pike, saluting in a cocky, slightly sloppy manner. The smile Pike gave him in return was lined with exhaustion but also barely hidden pride. Then, someone placed a hand on Kirk's shoulder and he knew that McCoy was standing behind him most likely with a hypo.

He figured he could handle it.